I am not sure I want to post this!
By lvmybz
@lvmybz (125)
United States
April 16, 2007 2:55am CST
I did a horrible thing today and it was not the first time. I have a very short temper, I can only take so much before I burst. Unfortunately my autistic son usually sets me off. like today I told him to take the tounge out of his shoe, but he kept taking off his other shoe the one that was put on correctly. I would try to show him, but he didn't get it. I got so mad I threw his shoe. And that isn't even the bad part. He of course cried, but we had to go to the store. Everything seemed fine, until we were at the park and I said "help your brother down the slide." He went down another slide and I said " this one." Well all hell broke loose and he had a major tanrum. There was a Grandma there reading her book on the bench. She kept looking up at him. I just ignored him and played with my other child. The tantrum continued, so we left the park. He was fine at the store, until the check out. He likes to put the groceries on the belt. He was unable to get the garlic, so I did. Another melt down, this time I told him to stop and come here. He did, but he was still very mad. By this time I am fuming in the car, I can feel my blood pressure rise. When we got home I told my child that it is not o.k to scream at the park or at the store. He screamed louder and cried harder. I left him on the couch but he was still screaming. Then I did something so inexcusable I feel just terrible. While he was having a fit on the couch I walked up to him and began hitting him on the back. Even as I write this, I feel just horrible about my little guy. For the rest of the night he just kept having melt down after melt down. Eventually he did calm down, and so did I. For now anyway. I think I need help. I know he can't help it, and he does try really hard.I would like to know has anybody else lost their temper? How did you handel the situation. like I have said before, this was not the first time. I feel like an abusive mother, it has been a secret that me and my husband keep. Because I can't lie to him or keep anything from him. I let him know if I lost my temper.
2 people like this
8 responses
@des1018 (14)
• Philippines
25 Apr 07
Hi
I cannot say I understand your situation since I dont.I am a SPED teacher of CWA for a few years now and I know how they throw tantrums.Its when they are stimulated,they are confused,excited or when they cannot get their way.There are really days when these children are more difficult to handle.You have to try to feel what is causing these outbursts besides getting frustrated.Observe him..there must be a reason why he misbehaves or gets confused.Or is he just trying to test your patience?They can do this,Im sure you know this.When this happens you just got to make him feel and see you are in control but please..try not to hurt him..its not going to help.It would make things worse and would make him confused.You might not know it but he might be doing it on purpose because as you said it was not tyeh first time it happened.He was expecting what was going to happen thinking it is normal.Try to think of a different approach when you feel like you are going to lose your patience.Like with the shoes when you did everything you can to teach him the proper way of doing it?Are you saying the instruction in a simple sentence?Is your tone right?If yes,and he cant still follow try to say you will leave him for awhile and he can call you when he is done.it will take time but the message was sent..he has to do it and he has to follow you.
1 person likes this
@clownfish (3272)
• United States
2 May 07
lvmybz, I'm sorry I haven't been around to respond to this issue. First, let me say that teachers think they know all about our kids, but the simple truth is that they DO NOT LIVE with them. They don't live the lives we live with our special needs children and a few hours together in a classroom will never be the same. Tantrums are NOT the same as meltdowns and any parent who has dealt with a meltdown knows that someone who doesn't even call it by its right name, a "meltdown," does not know what we're dealing with. As you know, a child having an anger tantrum is completely in control of it, but a child having a meltdown is not.
Second, I feel terrible that you had this problem and I do understand! Could you maybe get a respite care provider or someone to help give you breaks away from your kids? Now, I know what you're going to say, you don't want to be away from them. None of us do, but you need breaks to do things by and for yourself. I think that would help you greatly! Feel free to send me a message anytime, k?
@lvmybz (125)
• United States
4 May 07
Hello clownfish
Thank you for your response, and I don't mind at all that you responded late. Also thank you for understanding what I am going through. Don't get me wrong my son's teachers are great, but like you said they don't know what it is like to live with a special needs child. Some days are really good and others are complete nightmares. As for getting time away from my children, I work 5 days a week full time. So when I get home I just what to spend my time with them. Again I really appreciate your kind and thoughtful words. All my best.
@lvmybz (125)
• United States
28 Apr 07
Hi, Thank you for responding to my post. I understand he has tanrums for a reason, and I never think hurting him is going to help. But, I do appreciate your honesty. I am sorry if this sounds forward but a parent of a CWA is different then a teacher who teaches children with CWA. Yes you understand why a child has a tantrum, but do you know pesonally what it is like to see your own flesh and blood the child you love dearly have a major melt down and nothing will calm him down. The screaming gets louder, he mignt even start lashing out. Now please don' get me wrong, I absolutely know what I did was very wrong. I also really appreciate you not sugar coating anything. Your are right to feel frustrated at my post, and I am really comforted knowing you are a teacher who understand our children. That you have the patience to teach our children. So thank you very much for that.
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
18 Apr 07
One person can only take so much. It sounds to me that you need a bit of a break to calm down and catch your breath once in a while. We all get pushed to our limits. My son has CP and that is bad enough but I really bow to those of you that have to deal with Autism. They are so strung out sometimes. All you can do is try to get some respite to help once in a while. Maybe visit the doctor and tell him how hard it is on you by the end of the day and maybe he can give you a very mild nerve pill to help. I have some and only need them about 2 times a month. They are there when I feel that I am overwhelmed and I am sure that is how you are feeling.
1 person likes this
@lvmybz (125)
• United States
19 Apr 07
Thank you for responding to my post. You are right it can be very overwhelming dealing with an autistic child. I really don't like to idea of taken anything, but maybe I should so I could deal with my son's meltdowns better. I would probably do what you do and only take as needed. I will see how bad it gets and maybe talk to my doctor. You mentioned your child had CP, what is that?
1 person likes this
@lvmybz (125)
• United States
24 Apr 07
You must be a very loving and strong mother to your wonderful child. It is very overwhelming dealing with a special needs child. Although you don't need me telling you that. I think whatever you take to make it easier on you is a good thing. Perhaps it is something I might need to consider. My son goes to school 5 days a week. It is really helping him. Usually he is a joy to be around he just has bad (really bad) moments and sometimes very often.
1 person likes this
@rainbow (6761)
•
16 Apr 07
Sweetie, it is over now and you work under stress every day, you are a good mum but occassionally our little ones really wind us up, it is frustration and we all feel it.
Both my boys are going through a bad stage and life is pretty unbearable with them right now so I understand how you feel.
Send me a private message if you feel like talking some more, I can't make it batter but I do understand.
This is a good link, gives you chance to calm down for a few seconds by then the moment should have passed.
http://advice7.com/games_movies/anger.html
1 person likes this
@lvmybz (125)
• United States
17 Apr 07
Hi Rainbow, Thank you for responding. I believe reading your post does make me feel better so thank you for that. It is also nice to know somebody knows what I am going through. I don't feel so alone, and I am feeling much better. The calmer I am the calmer my son is.
2 people like this
@maximax8 (31053)
• United Kingdom
17 Apr 07
I am a parent and I am a teacher. I know everybody gets bad tempered sometimes. You try so hard with your son. All you did was snap for one moment. I am sure you won't do this ever again.
I once taught an autistic boy. He liked everything the same all the time. He was not like other children. One time a band played loud music in the school hall. The boy put his hands over his ears. Another time the fire bell went off. He nearly screamed the classroom down after hearing this, an even louder noise than the band. He watched the clock and often told us what we should really be doing. We were getting ready for a christmas production and he knew we should really be doing sport. He was not too pleased.
1 person likes this
@lvmybz (125)
• United States
19 Apr 07
I did snap I was very angry, and I am still upset with myself. Autistic kids are not like most others, I believe they learn differently. My son is also sensitive to loud noises. He will cover his ears, and sometimes he will cry too. I would like to thank you for your respons. It helps to know someone understands.
@SheliaLee (2736)
• United States
25 Apr 07
Dear Friend,
I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and you are not an abusive mother. My son has autism also. My husband and I are learning daily how to deal with it. His is a mild case but autism just the same. He doesn't have tantrums but he gets upset if I get upset at my daughter or if there is something on the news that he hears or sees and I have to calm him down. He is also terrified of storms and we have a really hard time getting him calmed down during times like that. I just want you to know that I'll be praying for you that you will have the strength and wisdom that you need when these episodes occur so that you will know the best way to handle them. God Bless You Dear Friend!!
@lvmybz (125)
• United States
28 Apr 07
Hello SheliaLee
I really needed to read a response like this one. Thank you very much for that. I am glad to know you will be putting me in your prayers. I too hope I find the strength and wisdom to help me deal with these eposides. I feel very comforted knowing a person like you is on my side and who understands me.
1 person likes this
@fozalgerts (4)
• United States
22 Apr 07
Hmm...Our son is 20 yrs. old now and he still throws tantrums. Do not beat yourself up over what you did. If I get to the boiling point, I have learned to go outside for a bit to cool off. My son is usually in his room during the tantrum time. If it gets to bad, I give him a little bit of Melatonin and he calms down after about 15 minutes. Melatonin can be bought at GNC. They carry the kind that is flavored and dissolves in the mouth. It takes less than 1 ml. tablet to calm him down. Hang in there.
@lvmybz (125)
• United States
24 Apr 07
Hello Fozalgerts
Thank you for responding and apparently you have been there done that as far the tantrums go. I hope as he gets older I will be able to deal with the stress a lot better. I might consider the Melatonin if it becomes too much.
1 person likes this
@SageMother (2277)
• United States
16 Apr 07
Everyone looses their temper.
I suggest you simplify things when you can. You might avoid taking him to the store, or limit his outdoor playtime to the backyard, if you have one. Since you know these two places can be prime sites for tantrums, and others see what is happening but won't understand, it would be better to avoid both situations.
Buy shoes that are less complex, or simply accept the fact that he can't put them on correctly and accept his wearing them differently than the way you would prefer. One of the things I have learned in dealing with autistic children is that you have to really ignore alot of things to keep your sanity, and they have to simply be excluded from situations that are just filled with triggers.
It sounds like you are a good mother who had a bad day. Don't be too hard on yourself.
@lvmybz (125)
• United States
16 Apr 07
I really appreciate your quick response. We live in an apartment with just a patio. Normally my child is pretty good at the store. In fact every Saturday night my husband and I and our two kids go gorcery shopping. He does seem to have melt downs at the park though. Although he does seem to be getter better. I hope anyway. You are 100% right about the shoe situation. I should just accept the fact that he can't put it on correctly, and either do it for him or let him be. I am postive because of my tantrum he had them too. Unfortunately I have to many bad days to consider myself a good mom, but thank you for that.
@des1018 (14)
• Philippines
26 Apr 07
About outdoors,I am reminded of one of my students who when i came in cant seem to get any work done as reported by the regular teachers(Im a SPED Teacher)as not getting any work done after outdoor play.I observed first and yes he gets overstimulated when he goes out because after outdoors he would,cry out loud,run around and jump and shout to his hearts content.Being 9 and a big one for his age at that with a big voice,you just can imagine how it is when he is playing up.So I proposed to the teachers to let him stay with me inside when its time for outdoors and I make him busy with things.And it was effective.He didnt show any signs of stimulation or playup after.And he was able to work together with the rest of the class until dismissal time.I know Children with Autism are sensitive to the fluorescent lights but didnt know even the sun can hurt them.I did a few research and I came upon Irlen Syndrome.You might want to look on this.In this article it was written that CWA can have this and from the tests for sensitiveness I can say that yes they might have the Syndrome that can cause CWA to get tantrum outburts when in parks,or anywhere where theres too much light whether natural of man made.In this article CWA can wear a kind of a glass that will protect their eyes form the glares of the sun/light and stop them from playing up.
@mobyfriend (1017)
• Netherlands
24 May 07
I've just been reading your post and I just want to say: it happens to all of us. Simply because we are overworked and trying to keep control over situations all the time. Not only in parks and stores but also at home. Mothers of autistic children have a lot on their plate.
You are not an abusive mother just very tired of having to walk on tiptoe all the time.
It would help very much if you talk to a profesional about it. They can listen to and give you tips to handle the situation. Perhaps it helps if you walk away or that at the moment you yourself are going to melt down if you call someone you trust or your husband. I did that from time to time and it helps you to to focus on other things.
And I know it's hard in stores and parks when you feel that a thousand eyes are pricking in your back. It helps if you go on sites likes this or talk to other ''autistic'' mothers about your feelings because they know how you feel.
The I love someone with autism in MySpace is a great group of people to talk to.
@lvmybz (125)
• United States
24 May 07
Hello
Thank you for responding to my post. You are right I should walk away when he has these melt downs at home. Lately when he has his tantrums I have just been to busy to respond and they have not been to severe. I will also check out the MySpace site thank you for that.
