how do you know when you have fallen out of love with your partner??
By Gorgeous24
@Gorgeous24 (1091)
United States
June 3, 2007 10:41pm CST
I think sometimes when you have been with your partner for so long and problems from everyday life takes its toll on your relationship sometimes you dont even know if your IN LOVE with them anymore.
Do you act different towards them? How do you really know when you have fallen out of love with them?
Has this ever happened to anyone before..If so please tell me how you handled this situation.
Im very curious to hear everyones response.
10 people like this
21 responses
@dustyland87 (148)
• United States
4 Jun 07
There is no such thing as falling out of love. If you really love someone then you love them plain and simple. I get so damn sick and tired of hearing people say they have fallen out of love or there is no love in the relationship anymore. Then there was never love there in the first place, it was lust. Love is not conditional and there is no in and out of it. If you love someone then you love them for who and what they are, you love their good, their bad and their indifferent. People throw around the word love way to much and have no idea the true meaning of it. Relationships you speak of don't last because there was never love there to start with, or they'd still have it.
4 people like this
@Gorgeous24 (1091)
• United States
4 Jun 07
No what Im talking about is being "in love" with someone and then you can "just love " someone..those are two different things. I dont agree with you when you say you cant fall out of live with someone..its happens all the time.
I may not be "in love" with him anymore but that doesnt mean I wont always love him..there not the same!
2 people like this
@devilsangel (1817)
• United States
4 Jun 07
I think what he means is there is no in or out of love there is just love. Which I think is true, people put stipulations on love and that is not real love. There is no in love or out of love type things there is just love. Either you love a person or you don't. When people break up it has nothing to do with love, it has to do with like or dislike or even hate. They don't like something that person does or how that person is, it has nothing to do with love. A lot of relationships are based on the same thing they have nothing to do with love.
2 people like this
@FenwaySox (321)
• United States
4 Jun 07
Anytime that this has happened to me, I dont want to talk to him on the phone, Id rather be alone than with him, I find myself eagerly looking at other men, I begin to get critical towards him, he cant seem to do anything right, I dont want him to stay over, I make up excuses not to see him...those are just a few. LOL
3 people like this
@Gorgeous24 (1091)
• United States
4 Jun 07
Hey FenwaySox, yea I find myself doing that all the things that you have mentioned above. I think a big part of it is Im scared to leave because im scared of the "Unknown" does that make sense? LOL I have been with him for so long that I dont know life without him :(
2 people like this
@Gorgeous24 (1091)
• United States
4 Jun 07
uh huh so you got a date wit him tonight...Girl have fun!
Thats really good that hes back in your life and things are going good between you both, Not alot of people can do that..but you seem to have mastered it.
Please tell me your secret LOL
1 person likes this
@FenwaySox (321)
• United States
4 Jun 07
My ex and I (we have a 5 year history) have broke up and been back together a number of times. Ive recently been totally fine w/o him, and Ive been dating and having fun. Well, wouldn't you know it, but he's recently come back into my life. We even have a date tonight. Gorgeous...I am so happy when Im with him even though I know we will always have things to work though...my point is that if things aren't feeling right for you guys right now, then discuss it. Does he feel the same way that you do? If so, its OK to split up. If all is meant to be, your lives and paths will definitely cross again! I am living proof. Dont give up on love.
2 people like this
@maryannemax (12156)
• Sweden
4 Jun 07
i don't easily fall out of love without any reason. most of the time, when problems come crashing through and feels like it will never end plus your boyfriend keeps on nagging you about things and stuffs, you'll surely fall out of hope... and sadly, out of love.
happened to me, too. and it hurt when you know that the person you thought you'll love for the rest of your life, suddenly, your heart stopped beating for them. too much hurt can make you feel you should let go. it's when you feel like you can move on without them is the best proof that you have fallen out of love.
@Gorgeous24 (1091)
• United States
5 Jun 07
I agree you can be madly in love with someone and then one day you realize you can be fine without them and have a happy life. It is sad when it happens but as long as you know you did the right thing than its okay.
Thanks maryannemax
1 person likes this
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
4 Jun 07
i think that when you fall out of love, you definitely change the way you act and treat your partner. The relationships dynamics changes. Because they most often notice it too. Many people choose to suffer in silence, the house becomes more quiet, people take seperate vacations, they sleep in separate beds to keep from having to spend that extra time together, some people scream and yell at each other, they cringe when you touch them, they don't want to look at you in the face anymore because to look at you just irritates them. I mean there are several things we do in the course of a relationship towards the end, the falling out of love.
3 people like this
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
4 Jun 07
yes, I do understand that. I did the same thing in my 2nd marriage. I did not want to be around him, there was silence in the house most often, except when we argued. We did less and less talking and more and more silence and arguments. So, yes, I do know how you feel! I am sorry you are going through that. When you know it's over, it's over and I hope that you can find happiness again.
2 people like this
@Gorgeous24 (1091)
• United States
4 Jun 07
Mamasan you know exactly how im feeling and what Im going through :(
May I ask if you and him had children together? Did that play a factor in you staying or leaving him?
I think its harder when you have a child involved otherwise I would of left when I first started asking myslef "am I in love with him still"
1 person likes this
@Gorgeous24 (1091)
• United States
4 Jun 07
Hi mamasan..I do find myself going into another room when he comes home, or EVERYTHING he does just irritates me so I choose to be in another room so I dont have to deal with that. In a way its like im pushing myself away from him maybe so I dont have to be the one to end things..you know.
3 people like this
@lynboobsy11 (11343)
• Philippines
4 Jun 07
I t happened to me with my ex-husband hes being so irresponsable and lazy for I am the one who is working for our daily needs. And so on that thing I never know when I have fallen out of love with him. For everytime I saw him I felt annoyed about his looks, his moves and even when he talked to me it always end up in arguing.
3 people like this
@Gorgeous24 (1091)
• United States
4 Jun 07
Hey lynboobsy..atleast you got rid of that lazy and irresponsible ex husband of your..good for you!
Thanks for responding
2 people like this
@Spagman (49)
• United States
4 Jun 07
I don't think that time, is the factor in a relationship going bad, if two people really love each other they work out their differences and try to make it work.
Unfortunately, many times, decisions like getting married are rushed or living together and only after a certain amount of time we realize we have made a mistake.
This happened to me once in a relationship. We were living together, and at first everything was great but as time went by he both realized that we had different interests we had different goals in life, and it just couldn't work.
It was a mutual decision of breaking up, we both still love each other. But we knew, deep inside, it would not work. No regrets, but you just have to get on with life. Hopefully this time finding the right person.
3 people like this
@Gorgeous24 (1091)
• United States
4 Jun 07
Yea people always rush into things like getting married or living together without thinkin of whats gonna happen in the long run. Things chage and people change too for the worst or for the better, I guess it all depends on the two people involved.
Thats excatly what I dont wanna have its any REGRETS..I think if I can leave the relationship without having any regrets then I will be fine.
Thanks for sharing Spagman
2 people like this
@disvachic (10117)
• United States
4 Jun 07
I definitely have experienced this situation with my ex because he was cheating.We were together 10 years and it started fading away after 8years.I mean when he came around i wasn't happy.No matter what he did it didnt make me happy. I was saying to myself like why is he even here?I really didn't want to talk to him,didn't want to be bothered anymore.I didnt even want him around to watch a movie.I would have excuses for him not to come over and when he did come over i had an attitude.Anytime i am more happier talking with a friend ryt then i knew i wasnt into him anymoere.It got to the point where I would turn to someone else to fill the void.I was always fussing about why he was cheating.I mean i was really stressed out, depressed and was hurting.I didnt want him to touch me or anything.I just couldnt take it anymore and I stepped up to the plate and finally left him alone.It was hard to do but i did it.We have a daughter together and i still dont want to be bothered by him like that as long as he take care of her im fine.
2 people like this
@disvachic (10117)
• United States
4 Jun 07
it really was his loss and thats for sure.it really was hard to let go but i didnt want my children to keep seeing me unhappy either so i did what was best for me and them.
1 person likes this
@Gorgeous24 (1091)
• United States
4 Jun 07
That dam cheater.. LOL Oh well girl it was his loss!
Yes I ask myself that alot "why am I still here" and that answer is because we have a daughter together and I know thats no exscuse to stay with someone but it is hard to leave when kids are involved.
Im glad that you too have moved on and are now happier with life..I hear alot of people say that.
Thanks disvachic you advice is always good!
2 people like this
@vikceo (1301)
• India
4 Jun 07
hey when you feel alone in a crowd y place because you search her hand to hold on her shoulders to lean on and her smiles and laughter to make your day.when you don't want to spend time with others ,you start ignoring others for her starts lying from your mother for dating with her and when hersmiles make the day warmer and lighter then i feel you r in love
3 people like this
@Gorgeous24 (1091)
• United States
4 Jun 07
I know you do all of that when your in love but I was askin how do you know when you fall out of love.
Thanks for sharing
2 people like this
@red158 (333)
• Canada
5 Jun 07
I knew that me and my ex had fallen out of love when we just didn't care if the other one was there. I went out one night instead of spending another night at home alone, I met a guy. I was quite up front about my situation, my daughter at the time was 1 1/2. Me and the new guy really hit it off, so I told him I need to deal with something now, but please call me.
When I woke up the next morning I told my ex, "I think you should move out," and within 3hrs he was gone. No tears, no fighting, no drama. I still care about him because he is the father of my child, this was 15 1/2 yrs ago, best decision I ever made.
On the other hand, my cousin a few yrs ago was ready to leave her husband, I told her not to make any rash decisions, she stayed. Last year she told me that her and hubby had a real good talk, he told her he almost walked out the previous yr. The bottom line is that marriages that last, are the ones where you both don't fall out of love at the same time.
Everyone will go through these thoughts and feelings at some time or another, if it is meant to last it won't happen at the same time.
2 people like this
@red158 (333)
• Canada
5 Jun 07
I hope the decision that you end up making is the right one for you. If you really feel that it is time to leave, leave but do it in a way that you can live with.
What I failed to mention is that the ex I spoke of, we had never married. I was married previously, and when I left, I left for him. I knew I couldn't love him like he deserved to be loved. As much as it hurt him for me to leave, doesn't compare to the hurt I probably would have caused if I had stayed. Thankfully we didn't have any children.
Just one more thing, if you really believe you are making the right choice, make it. You might question it when the hurt starts to make you doubt it. Any relationship that ends will have a mourning period. You will second guess yourself. You have to decide whether you really regret it, or if it is just the feeling of failure, fear or guilt.
This is the big question, and a very hard one to answer. When I left my marriage I went through a very bad, very deep depression. I felt a lot of fear, failure and worst of all guilt. It might sound very selfish but you do have to think about you first, any children, then the other party. My biggest advice be honest, with him and more importantly with yourself.
I hope I helped, at least a little bit.
good luck
1 person likes this
@Gorgeous24 (1091)
• United States
5 Jun 07
I applaud you for making a big decision like that and telling him to get out..and you turned out fine right? Of course you did!
It just depends if the two people in the relationship are willing to sit down and really open up about how their feeling alot of the time we dont wanna hurt the person so we let things build up inside.
Your cousin and her husband had very good communication between them to really work it out..Lucky them.
Thanks for sharing red158
@Gorgeous24 (1091)
• United States
5 Jun 07
Red158 you have given me such good advice Thanks so much! You have indeed helped me tremendously
@CarlyLaine (759)
• United States
4 Jun 07
Gorgeous,
When I first read your post, I thought...this is where I am with my boyfriend. I don't want to go home, I don't want to see him, but he's there always wating for me.
It's me; not him. I read the other posts, and I know about the comfort zone-I was married first time for 21 years because of the comfort zone. But we do have lots of fun most of the time. I guess I'm just tired. I don't know.
But one thing I do-partially subconsciously, I gain weight like mad. It's not all his fault. I miss my freedom. I want to be alone for a time.
I do love him. I know I do. I think I'm just going through something and will try to wait it out. for a while anyway.
I don't want any one else-just him...but I need sometime alone...for just a while...I think.
2 people like this
@Gorgeous24 (1091)
• United States
5 Jun 07
Hi CarlyLaine, I understand what your saying completely..sometimes you have been with someone for so long that you forget who you used to be, we get so caught up in doing things for them that we kinda forget to take care of ourselves and we maybe gain some weight or stop dressing as nice..Make some time and spend the day papmering yourself (manicure,pedicure & massage and maybe alittle shopping) with some friends that always helps me feel alittle better.
I know you wanna ahve time to yourself to experience the things your missing out on trust me I understand that and I think im the last person that should be giving you advice but maybe you should talk to your partner about how your feeling and maybe you both can come to an understanding about it.
Thanks sooo much for sharing your experience and I know you really know how I feel.
2 people like this
@kitkat1 (1227)
• Canada
4 Jun 07
For me i knew when i lost that feeling inside that i had that just lite up my world. I got to the point i couldnt stand being around that person or touching them and if they touched me i just cringed. What you do about this you walk away and cut your loses and move on it will just make u miserable to stay in something that is gone.
2 people like this
@Gorgeous24 (1091)
• United States
4 Jun 07
Yea I would defnitely of left along time ago if I didnt have a daughter with him but I do and its harder when a child is involved. Part of me feels like I am being selfish by leaving him.
Thanks kitkat1
1 person likes this
@worldwise1 (14885)
• United States
4 Jun 07
Yes, Gorgeous, it has happened to me before. I believe that everyone has a breaking point. When you realize that your partner is not doing what they should be-or doing more than they should be-it can make you fall out of love. In some cases that love can be reignited, but not all. I think you will know that you have fallen out of love when you no longer want to be intimate with them; don't miss them when they're gone; start thinking that there just might be someone better out there for you.
2 people like this
@Gorgeous24 (1091)
• United States
4 Jun 07
Yes I do agree love can be reignited between two people IF there willing to reconize there is a problem in the first place. Most people I think dont wanna hurt the other person so they just stay in the relatiionship hoping that they alone can make it better..when in actualitty BOTH people have to change.
Thanks worldwise1..im glad you understand whats going on.
2 people like this
@Melissa528 (744)
• United States
4 Jun 07
I think it's something you just feel in your heart. When you don't want to be around that person and are actually happier when they are working then that's a good sign. I agree with the previous poster, if you are questioning if you are still in love with a person then you probably are not in love anymore.
@Gorgeous24 (1091)
• United States
4 Jun 07
Hey Melissa528, I agree if I am asking myslef "Am I still in love with him" then I guess I do already know my answer I just needed to hear other peoples stories..dont ask me why because I have no idea LOL
1 person likes this
@maryannemax (12156)
• Sweden
4 Jun 07
yup. questioning if you are still inlove with the same person or not is the start of your doubts and uncertainties about your feelings towards the guy. and it's the start of know that you have fallen out of love already.
1 person likes this
@golfproo (1839)
• Canada
4 Jun 07
All I can say is that this happened to my wife and I a long time ago and we hung on way too long. We stayed together for 14 years but probably stopped being in love with eachother about 5 years ago. We stayed together for the sake of our kids and it ended up hurting them more than helping them. Kids do complicate matters, but if you think it is over...then it is over....move on it smarts at first but gradually the pain will subside and the feelings you long for will come back.
cheers,
@Gorgeous24 (1091)
• United States
5 Jun 07
I do think kids can tell when mommy and daddy stop showing love to each other..they can sense that.
Its good to know that there are other people who have gone thru this and they come out fine afterwords.
Thanks golfproo!
1 person likes this
@maean_19 (4655)
• Philippines
5 Jun 07
I guess you are fallen out of love when the feeling is not as exciting as before, the spark is not there when you see each other, you tend to be with your friends or anyone else than that person. Perhaps, you are likewise fallen out of love when you consider other things like dating other people, be acquainted with prospective opposite ses, you tend to plan for your own. I may also say that, you had fallen out of love when there's less understanding to what that person say or do, when you tend to compete with that person now and not complementing. What more can I say?
2 people like this
@highflyingxangel (9225)
• United States
4 Jun 07
I just think it's one of those deep down feelings that you just know. I think you start making excuses and really dread seeing them or spending any time with them. You'd try to avoid going out like you normally did, and really try to stop having any contact with them. It's just one of those things you dread.
I don't think everyone completely stops loving their partner's. I think after the same old routine, and dealing with the stress of everyday life, people just get tired and bored. I think you can distinguish that from not loving them anymore, simply by realizing that you still enjoy spending time with them and everything, you just have the feeling that something is off within the relationship. Just by doing something else, you'll reignite the spark and be back on track.
1 person likes this
@Gorgeous24 (1091)
• United States
4 Jun 07
I agree it can get very boring..the same old routine everyday, and the fighting and arguing takes its toll on both of us to the point where we cant even have a normal conversation.
Thanks highflyingxangel!
1 person likes this
@steney (1418)
• Philippines
5 Jun 07
I have fallen out of love once and it was a short term relationship. The situation then was, a childhood crush came into the picture and totally moved my attention from my then boyfriend. I felt disinterested in continuing with my relationship as it became lifeless and boring in an instant. But for long term relationships that have gone sour, or those that were plagued by problems, I think it's very common to feel like one has fallen out of love even if the couple is still in love with each other. Maybe it's just a matter of reviving the flame that was once burning. To re-discover each other's feelings and strive to put the romance back into the relationship. Problems and trials tend to cover all these. But when all else fails, and no matter how you try the feeling is still not there, then I think you have indeed fallen out of love and must openly share this with your partner so you can both make an appropriate solution for your situation.
1 person likes this
@DesigningLife (903)
• United States
5 Jun 07
Gorgeous, I have been reading through your discussion just to see people's views. I do not know the answer for you but I am sorry you're feeling this way and I know that change is scary.
I will be forty next month and I am wondering if age makes a difference in what we will choose to do in this situation. What thoughts do people have about this...at some point people (well me anyway) begin to realize that they are aging and are not as desirable as when they were 25 or 30, that their options are limited and to leave might mean they will spend the rest of their lives alone and lonely or with someone worse...so, do we stick around because the other "choices" aren't there anymore and we fear loneliness more than trying to tolerate someone when the spark is gone?
I wonder a lot about this since I have been divorced for several years and now have the opportunity to marry another man who treats me better than anyone ever did, but I wonder if I am just anxious to enter into this bond more out of fear that there will be no future "choices", or because I truly want to be with him for the rest of my life. I do love him very much but cannot explain very well here, it is complicated.
1 person likes this
@ChrisRock619 (1040)
• United States
4 Jun 07
Well I don't this that everyone that's been together for a really long time gets sick of each other or whatever the case may be. I do agree this can happen sometimes though. This can happen when we let the everyday things of life get too us way too much, or it could be because of bad things all the time in a relationship. I've been through a few simular situations. When you try your hardest and give 110% and things still don't work out then you question weither you love that person or not, then you know it's definitely time to move on. I'm a firm believer though if you really are in love with someone then you wouldn't not love them anymore. Sometimes people mistake love for a strong attaction, lust, or a simple "crush". Really one person can't give over 100% and expect the relationship to stay together. So you know when your out of love by constant signs of distrust, anger, pride and other things that get in the way of love, then you know it's time to leave and move on.
1 person likes this
@Gorgeous24 (1091)
• United States
4 Jun 07
Yea I understand what your saying..I will always love him but am I in love with him (I dont think so) theres a big difference there.
Thanks for responding
1 person likes this
@ChrisRock619 (1040)
• United States
4 Jun 07
No problem, by the way I was just speaking in the general sense when anyone goes through this type of problem, so I'm sorry if it sounded like it was more of a direct to you. Well I'd say from how you are talking and since you are definitely not in love, well its time to find someone that will make you happy, treat you right and most importantly someone that makes you fall in love with them. Best of luck to you and hope you find someone special :)
1 person likes this
@jemjemjemperez (109)
• Philippines
5 Jun 07
is it right or reasonable to say that you don't fall out of love, but you CHOOSE not to love him/her anymore? :D
1 person likes this
