Say something or just shut up?
By snookumsnort
@snookumsnort (313)
Philippines
July 16, 2007 10:45am CST
I'm on vacation at my mom's place. My other sisters still live with her. 2 are working while 1 is still studying. I really don't mind them living under my mom's roof because that's they way we really are. The thing is, one of my sisters is already 28. She is really a proponent of living within one's means and I've often heard her speak so passionately about it. But now that I'm staying with them, I suddenly find out that 1) she doesn't pay for her own cellphone bills (she uses it without care, runs up the bill and lets mom pay for it), 2) she already has a loan for a professional grade camera and on top of that bought a pair of diamond earrings on a loan too, 3) she plans to go on vacation with her rich friends to Hong Kong and wants to buy dollars from my mom at a discounted foreign exchange rate, 4) she shops like crazy to keep up with her rich friends.
I've already talked to her about her phone bill and thought that she understood but she still keeps spending like crazy (she's pushing through with her trip and still bought the earrings and still keeps shopping). So I would really really really like to talk to her before I leave but I think things are already tense as it is because I've already talked to her once but she hasn't changed. My mom complains but she is too nice to cut my sister's phone line. At 28, my sister talks about wanting to be financially independent of my mom but isn't doing anything about it. She doesn't even help significantly with their household expenses. Should I still talk to her about these things or just keep quiet?
6 people like this
13 responses
@ddlaurie (132)
• Canada
16 Jul 07
Yes you should try talking to her but try doing it in a different manner. Maybe like it hurts your mom to see her rack up bills. Also tell her mom won't be around forever sooner or later she will have to stand on her own two feet. I have sister like that to she did theses things for years. When the parents were gone she was in a bad spot finanically.
@DeenaD (2684)
• United States
16 Jul 07
Even though you may disapprove of the way your sister is living, I personally think you should keep your mouth closed about it. I think it's more your mother's place to say something to her, and if your mother doesn't do it, then she either is too timid, or she doesn't see your sister's lifestyle as a problem. Either way, I think you will do more harm than good to your relationships if you say something to your sister.
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
16 Jul 07
I think it will not do you any good to talk to her until your mom is prepared to take a firm stance on what she expects from your sister. As long as she is still supporting your sister and not asking for help with the household expences then your sister has reason to believe things are okay the way they are.
It sounds like an issue between your mom and your sister and you will just be causing additional tension by talking to your sister.
2 people like this
@agnescav (566)
• United States
17 Jul 07
Since you say that your sister talks about being financially independent, I would wait for her to mention it. then talk about the contributing to the household.
And I would have to tell my mom that if she isn't willing to do something about it, she is just gossiping and you do not want to hear it anymore.
2 people like this
@LAWise520 (275)
• United States
16 Jul 07
maybe you should talk to your mom first and scope things out. Ask her how she feels and move in slow. Just ask small questions and build up and ask her why she allows this. Then, slowly and carefully tell her your mind and ask he more questions. Be sly. Then go back to work on your sister.
3 people like this
@sunshinelady (7609)
• United States
17 Jul 07
Actually it is your moms place to say something. I know it hurts you to see her treat your mom this way. Your mom may not like it but since the house is hers and you are only visiting it would just create hard feelings. I do think you ought to sit your mom down and explain to her that your sister needs to take responsibilty for her actions. That she needs to put her foot down. But it is up to your mom to talk to your sister. It is not nice what your sister is doing to your mom but the words have to come from your mom.
1 person likes this
@egfitz62150 (645)
• United States
16 Jul 07
Say something first to your mom. She's the one allowing this to continue. Tell her that she's actually crippling your sisters by not expecting them to pay for room, board, AND that telephone. Her job is to teach them self-reliance so that when she is no longer around they will be able to survive. She's NOT really being nice, even though she thinks she is. If she doesn't start demanding a full share of the living expenses from each of your sisters, then she is teaching them to use people -- her most of all. "There is no free lunch" as one writer said. Any adult child living at home should be paying their fair share of the rent/mortgage/taxes/food/utilities. It will still be less than what they'd pay if they were living on their own.
As for the sister who likes to talk about living within one's means -- next time she starts in on that topic tell her to "walk the talk" or be quiet! Your mother has already housed, fed and clothed them for free for 18 years!!!!! If they continue to allow her to do this, you should ask them what your mom has ever done to them that they feel they should keep using her like this. Why do they love her so little that they continue to be so selfish. Time for them to GROW UP!!!!! Good luck!
1 person likes this
@gardengrrl (1445)
• United States
16 Jul 07
Nothing you can say or do will stop your mom from enabling your sister to rush down her self-indulgent and ultimately self-destructive path. Don't waste your breath, or risk damaging your relationship with either of them. They're going to need you to turn to when the stih hits the fan.
On the other hand, you don't have to listen to sis' blather about financial independence, either. Next time it comes up, be kind, but firm: "I hear what you're saying, but I see how you live. Spare me!"
@Gorgeous24 (1091)
• United States
16 Jul 07
I think you should talk to your mom first and see where her thoughts are on the whole situation, if she feels like you do then maybe you both should sit down to talk with your sister about her actions. If your mom is fine with paying all her bills then there is nothing that you can really do BUT if your mom is having a problem with paying everything for your sister then you both shoudl definitely open tell her that. Best of luck in this situation
2 people like this
@wiccania (3360)
• United States
17 Jul 07
I think your best bet would be to talk your mom into speaking up. The day I started going to college (while still living at home) I started contributing to the household expenses, $500 a month. Your sister needs to be responsible for her own expenses, and it needs to come from your mom.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
17 Jul 07
I say just keep quiet. What you mistake for your mom's kindness is really the opposite. Your mom won't be around forever and your sister has not yet at 28 learned to live independently. Please don't get me wrong here. I am a mom and I know all to well how hard it is to say no to your kids. we want to give them everything and never want to see them suffer one minute of discomfort. its natural.
I have 4 kids and saying "no" especially if I am able to say "yes" is the hardest of all...that is why they call it tough love. I have to remind myself that as a mom, my job is to see to it that they are self sufficient. If I die tonite...they can fend for themselves.
if you decide to say anything at all...say it to your mom and show her this thread.
@eyezofadevil (1)
• United States
16 Jul 07
Well some times people feel influenced or pressured by others and they end up going broke because they want to keep up with the newest fasions or to be like there friends cause 1) there afraid they will lose the friends they like or 2)they think that there friends wont like them no more because they dont have new and awsome things or 3)shes in denile and she wants to be beautyfull and match what her friends buy and she will be adored and cherished and so she has friends for ever
but indiscoseing none of that doesnt matter and if you do talk to her make sure your sensitive about it dont just blurr it out cause then she will get anxious and ambishious and push you away most people dont relise if they be them selfs they will find true friends but most are just trying to fit in! I hope this helps have a great day!
1 person likes this
