Honesty

@alamode (3071)
United States
September 17, 2007 7:40pm CST
Can you talk to people about their problems and give your honest opinion? Or do you find yourself biting your tongue and not saying what you really want?
6 people like this
22 responses
• Northern Mariana Islands
15 Oct 07
if they do need my advise why not? if a friend wants to talk about something that's bothering him/her then that's the time to advise a win/win situation -peace:0
2 people like this
@alamode (3071)
• United States
16 Oct 07
Exactly... openness is the key ingredient to true friendship! Thanks... its nice to know there are honest people around!
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Sep 07
it depends on who im talking to. like my mother i can not give my honest opinion most times because she gets upset and argues with me or doesnt talk to me for afew days.. or tell me to mind my own business etc etc.. if she asks and i try to answer, i either tell her not to ask me questions she doesnt want to know the answers to or i just igfnore them or i will kindly suger coat my answer.. my sister the same way, i cant come out and say the honesty part either because she as well gets upsets and grumpy and then makes small remarks on occasion here and there about what ive said.. when its someone that really wants to know and i can tell them wihtout them getting upset i will.. come straight out and tell them.. other than that.. i dont answer or i beat around the bush as to say.
2 people like this
@alamode (3071)
• United States
19 Sep 07
Thats so hard, because your family are the first people you should be able to speak honestly with! I hope that will change for you. I do ask people if they really want to hear what I have to say... it makes them think twice about unloading their problems on me!! Thanks for your honest answer!
1 person likes this
@raijin (10345)
• Philippines
18 Sep 07
If one would ask my honest opinion, then I would be glad to lend a hand. Besides, I feel honored to be asked by someone about their problems. I don't see them as negative, because they atleast are having ways to solve their problems. So that for me, is a positive sign..
@alamode (3071)
• United States
18 Sep 07
I know that I want an honest answer. If I didn't want a person to be honest with me, I wouldn't tell them about my problems. So yes, it is very positive when a friend asks for your help because they know you are truthful! Thanks for adding this!
1 person likes this
@writersedge (22563)
• United States
18 Sep 07
That depends. My husband, I say what I really want, tactfully, but what I really want to say. Most of my friends, I can say what i think as long as I'm nice about it. But I have one friend. It's her way or she blows up. I don't know how her husband stands her. I wouldn't say what I really want to her.
@alamode (3071)
• United States
18 Sep 07
I do talk to my husband, kids and other family members frankly and openly. I have a sister who is very angry and controlling... its a long story, but I defused that situation by no longer seeing her. That is an extreme, but a necessary one. I want people around me who share feelings and ideas honestly. But TRUE honesty, not just pushing their own agendas, and NOT trying to hurt!
1 person likes this
• Philippines
18 Sep 07
I'd rather be honest and subjective with my opinion on their problem. Because I believe that a person will not come to me and open up his/ her problem if he or she does not trust me or believe that I can help them or enlighten them on their problem. So that person needs to know the truth and a direct or subjective answer as much as possible.
2 people like this
@alamode (3071)
• United States
18 Sep 07
I feel the same way. I don't volunteer everything, but if they've asked, I feel I should tell them what I honestly believe. Thanks for the response.
1 person likes this
@r_yuen (332)
• Indonesia
18 Sep 07
I usually speak what I have in mind. For some cases, I might prefer not too frank and open as sometimes it will lead to another trouble. Hmmm... It's difficult and tough when you meet a difficult problems. Honesty is needed, but sometimes honesty can bring something bad. Especially when your honesty is something that's not supposed to be said. I think all of us should look at the situation and think before we say something. Don't say anything that will make us regret or not saying anything that will make us bite our tounge... :)
@alamode (3071)
• United States
18 Sep 07
There have been times when I have said, 'You may not want to hear what I have to say'... then I leave it up to the other person. I don't want to hurt peoples feelings, and so I try to talk to them in a gentle way. Some people mistake being mean for honesty, and that is just not right! Thank you for contributing!
1 person likes this
@magilives (261)
• Australia
1 Oct 07
My Mum taught me never to give an opinion when asked advice. Instead you give the alternatives and ask them what the result would be of each alternative. For example when I was thinking of quitting my job I asked Mum what I should do and she asked me what would happen if I quit and what would happen if I didn't quit and then let me make up my own mind about what I should do. After I did quit she told me that she was glad I did but ultimately the decision was mine not hers so she couldn't be blamed if I made the wrong decision.
1 person likes this
@alamode (3071)
• United States
1 Oct 07
I really like your Mum! This was how I raised my kids, and aside from a couple teen-age slip-ups, they have become good, decent, reliable people, and I want to be around as much as possible. There is nothing done from duty here... we are loving each other because we can, not because we have to! Thanks, and say 'Hi' to your Mum!
• Australia
2 Oct 07
Thank you so much. I like my Mum too. She's pretty cool. She's holidaying in Canada at the moment so I am missing her heaps because I can't contact her, I have to wait for her to contact me.
1 person likes this
@Ravenladyj (22902)
• United States
18 Oct 07
LOL I am not one for biting my tongue AT ALL...that doesnt mean I'm cruel mind you but I see no benefit in candycoating something for someone when they come to me for advice or my opinion on an issue they are having....To me thats NOT helpful ya know....Tell it like it is and give honest suggestions, thats my way of doing it and truth be told my friends appreciate it..though they admit the "truth hurts" they'd much rather come to me and have me be honest with them over goin to someone else and get b.s as a response ya know...
1 person likes this
@alamode (3071)
• United States
18 Oct 07
Thats why my friends are my friends... we can talk about it all, and if we're afraid we're screwing up, someone will let us know! We all do the same for each other, because sometimes we can't (or don't want to) see the truth... we help each other to be real!
@healwell (1268)
• Ahmedabad, India
7 Nov 07
I think that opinion should have limits of the person who has said. In my point of view the opinion could be change after some time or somr momrnts also! So when one is talking about the his / her problem one should not provide the opinion but should provide the analytical as well as well-thought reply, with could be possiblly lead the person to take decission regarding the problem solving process! Well while any one is following this, s/he has to be honest and present/ consider all possible things regarding the problem/ issue!
@alamode (3071)
• United States
7 Nov 07
I do like to sort of 'lead' a person toward seeing the answers for themselves. When that happens, they are more likely to follow through on solving the problem than if I were to say 'You have to...' Learning to solve problems is the most important trait we develop in life. For some people, it is harder to learn than for others, and a bit of help is needed. Having an honest friend makes the learning easier because the person can trust that they are being shown the right way.
@pilbara (1436)
• Australia
18 Sep 07
It depends on who you are talking to. I would say that in the majority of cases I bite my tongue. I have found that people say they want honesty, but even if you give it to them in the form of constructive criticism, they resent it. What they seem to want is reassurance, not honesty.
2 people like this
@alamode (3071)
• United States
18 Sep 07
What about the 'What I would do...', the 'In my opinion...', or the 'You don't have to take my advice, but...' opening lines? Do they help at all when you want to state your opinion?
1 person likes this
• Philippines
24 Oct 07
I usually give my honest opinion in a very nice way, considering that person's feelings... but if I think my opinion won't help for the current situation then I prefer to just lend her my ear to listen.
@alamode (3071)
• United States
24 Oct 07
Being honest doesn't mean a person has to be cruel... I keep hearing 'brutally honest', and I don't think that's necessary. A good friend will be honest, and also be kind and consoling.
• Canada
19 Sep 07
No, that is not a problem for me...most of the time. Now there is a caveat to how honest I will be...and that depends on whether they have asked me or not. I try not to volunteer unsolicited advice. In the work my hubby and I do as life coaches and group leaders sometimes people do not want to hear what we suggest...even if they pay us to offer it! Now that may sound strange...but there are times when people want to keep their trauma and drama in place because it feeds something within them for a time. Whenever I realize that they are not ready to change...or simply want an attentive ear without any problem solving input...I will just listen and yes, bite my tongue. It is the most honoring thing to do because we cannot change anyone...they can only change themselves when they feel ready to do so. However, by and large if people ask my opinion...then I cannot in a clear conscience not give them an honest opinion. People who know me say that if they don't want my opinion they won't ask me...because I will tell them what I truly think...and if they don't like it...well that really is their issue; not mine. When we ask anyone to offer input it is rather dishonoring to them if there is annoyance for them doing the very thing requested of them. The interesting thing about interpersonal relating is that one never knows what another is ready to handle..or how feedback will be perceived. It can be risky to speak the truth...but so can avoiding it as well. I think is is important to communicate as authentically as possible...in a respectful way and give people a chance to handle their 'stuff.' If we don't offer things we'll never know what they are capable of. So after all my ramblings...my short answer is yes...I try to talk openly and give people my honest opinion when they ask. Good discussion alamode...it is something many struggle with. I;ll check back to read what others think...and you were rated a plus..of course! Warm regards, Raia
• Canada
23 Sep 07
You are welcome. What you have said here is part of what I picked up on in our various chats...you do seem like a person who is willing to speak her mind in a respectful way. It have realized that I cannot have really close bonds with those who lack the confidence or willingness to be open with me and let me know what they truly think...even if I may not want to hear it sometimes. None of us will ever grow if those around us do not act as mirrors to our process. We all think and perceive things 'behind our eyes.' If those we interact with allow us to blithely go through life without challenging our perceptions we'd live in a rut...and that is not why I am here. I want to grow...be challenged, changed and transformed..and authentic communication allows all of us to do that. So great chatting...good topic..thanks for that. Cheers, Raia
1 person likes this
@alamode (3071)
• United States
19 Sep 07
Thank you, ma'am! I really do try to give my truths in a non-confrontational way... I want to help, not anger or hurt! Respect for me is the key here, because why should anyone listen to what I say, if I say it in a way that is mean or spiteful? And there have been times after someone has become angry with me, when they have called me back and said 'You were right... I just didn't want you to be!'... even Hun has said that to me. I'm not after kudos when I speak, I really want people to be a bit better off after our conversations. Another Thank You for your wise words!
1 person likes this
@sexylc (501)
• United States
18 Sep 07
Well its depend the setuation if I know the person or my family I will give my honest opinion! but if other I have a hard time.
2 people like this
@alamode (3071)
• United States
18 Sep 07
I think that's the place to start... I believe it can help us move the honesty into our other interactions if we can practice with those we know the best! Thanks for your input!
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Oct 07
Hey Alamode (big wink...:) I find myself biting my tongue and not saying what I really want more often than I'd like. Of course it depends on who is telling me their problems. I try to give an honest opinion.... sugar coated with some. But with others? It just creates havoc, better to remain silent, even it means biting my tongue in half! Any clues on how to get over 'tongue biting syndrome'?
1 person likes this
@alamode (3071)
• United States
18 Oct 07
If the subject, or the person, is too touchy, I give advice in the form of questions. 'What would happen if...', or 'Why couldn't you...' That can kick the thought process into gear, and discussion can continue on as conversational, NOT confrontational.
@Zhanec (1651)
• Malaysia
16 Oct 07
of course i will only give honest opinion..When people talks about their problems with you,i assume that they would like to hear the honest advise from the listener.So what is the point holding back your tongue?Unless...if i can sense that the seeker is not someone who can take honest words easily,i will just play my words careful ..and not to hurt or offended his feelings.
1 person likes this
@alamode (3071)
• United States
16 Oct 07
I've found that there are many diplomatic ways of telling peope things they don't necessarily want to hear. Being honest doesn't mean being cold and cruel. But if they ask, they deserve the truth in the way that is easiest for them to understand. Thanks!
@coffeeshot (3783)
• Australia
29 Sep 07
I generally do give my honest opinion. I mean, if they're tellin gyou their problems, it obviously means they want some sort of guidance so I tell them what I think. for example, in the last 2 days I've had to give 2 girls advice about their ex boyfriends., I'm sure it's not what they wanted to hear but I said it anyway. And they both thanked me for my 'different' approach. SO yes, I like to be honest when giving advice.
1 person likes this
@alamode (3071)
• United States
29 Sep 07
I think that people really do want to hear the truth when they ask for advice. Sometimes the looks on their faces are misinterpreted... they might be just processing. If someone were to scream in my face about an opinion I gave, then I would know that the next time they asked I would have to tell them to go to someone else... that would be the most honest thing I could think of to do.
@anuj291 (575)
• India
29 Sep 07
i guess u shld talk to ppl only when u can really give them ur honest opinion,else u shuld just shush cuz if u cant do that u wont be really helpin out a person,,but u might end up puttin him in more trouble than he already was in thnx and tc
1 person likes this
@alamode (3071)
• United States
29 Sep 07
I always try to keep any advice I give on a general level... I don't say 'You should...' because that can get people angry, and then they won't hear what you have to say. I like to put advice into the form of a question, and let THEM come up with the answer! Thanks for the input!
• United States
15 Oct 07
I'm pretty honest I'm the kind of person where if you don't want the truth don't ask me. I don't like offending anyone and I don't set out to do it but I am honest and sometimes people can't handle it.
1 person likes this
@alamode (3071)
• United States
15 Oct 07
Me, too... and I don't ask things if I think the answers will be platitudes... I want the truth back, as well! Can't fix things if you don't recognize that they're broken! Thanks!
@isaiah12 (416)
• United States
1 Oct 07
Sometimes I can be completely honest and sometimes I need to bite my tongue. It depends on who I'm talking to and what I'm talking about. I know some people who if I am honest with them it just causes problems. They don't want to hear the truth unless you are agreeing with them. So I do alot of biting my tongue around them.
1 person likes this
@alamode (3071)
• United States
1 Oct 07
Yes, those are the people I tell not to ask me... I've explained that I don't just want to be a sounding board... I want to help them see their options... and if they don't want my help, don't ask for it. That much honesty has helped us to stay friends.
• China
1 Oct 07
honesty is very good
1 person likes this
@alamode (3071)
• United States
1 Oct 07
I think if there was more of it, we would all be able to get along in this world. I wish that everyone could have the friends I have here... people from all over the world talking and enjoying each other! Thanks!