The end is in sight!
By delladidit
@delladidit (466)
United States
November 2, 2007 2:56pm CST
...My divorce is almost over. We came to a settlement, it has been entered into court records, the judge ruled in favor of it and, now, just needs to sign the paper work on it. That will be on or before Dec. 2nd.
...It was the last thing I expected to happen. I'm tickled one minute and in disbelief the next.
...What did you do when your divorce was final? Celebrate? Cry? Or what did your friend or family do when their divorce was final?
...Thank you for responding. Peace be with you. =(^;^)= Della
5 people like this
12 responses
@cryw0lf (1302)
• United Kingdom
2 Nov 07
Depending on the reason, will determine the mood. Ultimately you should be unhappy, but if you were put in a situation where you felt uncomfortable and unable to live with your spouse or many - a - reasons why you broke up, my suggestions are to well... be happy. If you know you gave your marriage the best shot and tried hard to make it work then why should you be unhappy?
In my parents case, my father neglected the marriage and always thought my mother wasnt telling the truth when she 'bluffed,' He was surprised when she filed for a divorce. Of course my mother cried many of weeks in heartache but eventually she moved on, and she realised she wishes she had divorced him sooner, to save all the stress he put her through.
Its your choice how you want to feel, who should care what your family think? It is your life and you should live it the way you want to. Be loved for being who you are, not who your not.
Hope this helped ^.
2 people like this
@cryw0lf (1302)
• United Kingdom
3 Nov 07
That's really touching, im sure you have made the best decision for everybody. And i think its good that you're taking litle steps, we all need our time to get over a loved one- and about the feeling you failed in choosing the partner you should forget about, some people will try to manipulate you and change you, and if thats what he did then you are so much better then him, course the pain wont go away, not even in time, deep down it will still be there, but think of it this way, all that pain... was it worth having your children? I believe in fate, so basically, if you hadnt married this man - the wrong man, then you wouldnt have had your children, who im sure you love more then the world itself. You said you will never regret your children, then dont regret the past, there are good things in life, everyone says this but its true. I hit lows with a partner who tried to change and manipulate me, it ended badly of course - but it was my new partner that saved me and finally made me realise. He lets me be who i am, and he doesnt judge me, but without the pain in the past, the future wouldnt be the same.
I dont regret any choice ive made, this is my life, ill live it the way i want to.
Good Luck With your future and 'new man' :]
Again, hope this helped. ^
x
1 person likes this
@delladidit (466)
• United States
4 Nov 07
...There was a reason I was married to my ex. It may not be clear to me now. It may never be clear to me. All that really matters to me now are my children. No matter what our relationship was like, we were always able to come together for the kids. I pray this continues.
...If there were anything to regret, it would be that I had not filed sooner. I also know emotionally, I would not have been able to see a divorce through had I filed when he was arrested for solicitaion. There were too many other stressful things happening and he begged me to give him another change. It was easier to forgive him, at that time.
...There were good times and much love to begin with. I do not regret the past. There were many lessons learned.
...Thank you again for responding. Peace be with you.
=(^;^)= Della
@delladidit (466)
• United States
3 Nov 07
...Tonight, I drank. Then, I cried.
...Earlier, my attorney told me I "was cute" in the court room. I kept asking him if we had to return to court. He kept interating we were done. The judge just needed to sign the paperwork. It may not hit home until I have my driver's license with my maided name.
..."Be loved for being who you are, not who you're not" hit home. My new man and I are taking baby steps. We both need trust, honesty, faithfulness and the space to be ourselves. I like him a lot because he lets me be me. He knows when to reign me in and when to let me go. He respects my demand for, at least, one year on my own.
...This time, I need to heal and discover who I am again. I lost part of me in becoming a mom. Most of what I lost, I let him steal, change and manipulate.
...In time, I will be rejoicing in my freedom again. Right now, it hurts to have failed in choosing the right partner. I will never regret my children. They are the best things I have ever done.
...Peace be with you. =(^;^)= Della
1 person likes this
@marabdl86 (615)
• United States
2 Nov 07
A divorce should always be the last option possible especially for the kids sake. But I'm glad you did what was best and I wish you notthing but the best. Words of advice don't try to jump into a new realtionship too soon, take some time out for yourself to reflect what you want. Best of luck to you :)
2 people like this
@delladidit (466)
• United States
3 Nov 07
...For the longest time, I thought I was staying in the marriage for my children. They, each in their own way, told me to get divorced. They were miserable, too.
...Truly, I believe I did everything I could to keep the marriage together. We did marriage counseling four times. I could have saved us a lot of time because the second counselor we had said we would know if the other was really interested in keeping the marriage together by whether they did the homework assigned. He never did. Emotionally, I was not ready until the end of last year.
...My new man and I have agreed to take it slow. Baby steps! We both want to avoid the rebound relationship. We talk about why we are together and what we want/need. Both of us need honesty, trust, faithfulness and time to discover who we are again. Only time will tell if we are to be a couple. We feel we will always be friends.
...Thank you for responding. Peace be with you. =(^;^)= Della
1 person likes this
@artemis432 (7474)
• Abernathy, Texas
3 Nov 07
My mom went to Reno for three weeks to speed up her divorce. Then she spent a few months in bed. She'd been brought up to get married and be a wife Her biggest decisions were what silverware to use when his boss came. Then he decided he didn't want to be a husband and father.
1 person likes this
@delladidit (466)
• United States
4 Nov 07
...When she got out of bed, did she begin to live again? Was her depression healed? What did she do to heal her broken heart?
...Do you know what made your father decide he didn't want to be one anymore?
...As a child of this family, did you see it coming?
...Forgive me if this is painful. I ask only to understand what my children maybe feeling. I pray your mother does enjoy her life and has healed her broken heart.
...Thank you for responding and peace be with you. =(^;^)= Della
@artemis432 (7474)
• Abernathy, Texas
4 Nov 07
This was her first marraige - 10 years before I was even a twinkle in her eye. She did do well. She climbed that mountain and suceeded. She took a few night classes and finally, after went from secretary to Vice President of International - traveling the world for an international development corporation.
Of course she was a single parent of three. He just decided it was too much trouble. Plus, when he met my mom, she was about fifteen lbs underweight after just having her appendix removed and he loves skinny women. When she became a normal weight after pregnancy, he likely didn't like it. He drove my sister to being anerexic several times in her life too. He is quite wealthy since he had hardly anything to pay and has a big house with tennis courts and a swimming pool - and he was an athletics director at some school.
My mom recovered. It was a different era then. Her older sister was brilliant, knew several languages and wanted to be a doctor but my grand parents forbid it - girls got married and raised families. Today, there isn't as much stigma and weight attached to divorce. You're now free to love yourself and find someone who truly loves, respects and appreciates you. And you can do anything you want with your life. Unlike the 1960's.
@artemis432 (7474)
• Abernathy, Texas
4 Nov 07
When my mom left my dad, we got to stay with relatives - which was fun. I adored my cousin Alex. He let me follow him around everywhere and never got irritated. I guess we were really young (she waited 'till we were in school so she could return to work) and so we bounced back easily. It was a little confusing visiting him because he just had us play outside all day and he ate meals in front of the tv while we were in the kitchen - it was like he didn't want us there. It was more a power play for my mom.
He had actually adored my mom, put her on a pedastal - but then we were born (he couldn't stand to use protection -so my mom had seven pregnancies - miscarraiges and us) he was very jeolous of the time and attention she had to give us. IT mad him mad. Plus he beat my brother with his belt and this huge key ring he had for work.
So really, for us, she had to leave him. Too unhealthy. We didn't see him after awhile because he couldn't cough up the measly child support the court had ordered him to.
Again, we were young, so we healed nicely. It wasn't as big a deal as it would've been if we were older, even then, you need to do what's healthy for you, so that you have more to give to them. Its important if you're married to love each other and if you don't - it doesn't set a great example for them.
I hope you celebrate!
@goinliveinfive (561)
• United States
2 Nov 07
I've been happily married for 14 years and thank GOD I've never had to go through a divorce. I can't imagine what kind of hell it has to be, nor can I help but notice how it can literally take less than a minute to complete a wedding ceremony in front of a Justice of the Peace and cost less than $100 after a blood test, marriage license and the Justice's fee but if you ever want to un-ring the bell it can take YEARS and cost multiplied THOUSANDS (or more) by the time it's completely done. I'm happy and sad for you: happy that you seem relieved that this is over, sad that you couldn't maintain happiness in your situation. Life is too short to invest huge chunks of it in the wrong person. I hope that you find happiness and that you're able to enjoy the holidays with this whole mess behind you.
@delladidit (466)
• United States
3 Nov 07
...Truly, it has been a hell. I never got married thinking I could get out of it with divorce. I thought it would be for the duration of my life.
...He told me what he thought I needed to hear, wanted to hear. Then he did what he wanted to. It was his history to say one thing and do another. I am not without blame, I know what I did (or didn't do) in the relationship.
...He was arrested four times during our marriage. Each time he blamed it on me. Typical chemical dependency responce. The third time was for solicitation. I could no longer ignore his unexplained absenses. I am a cop's kids and my family would be furious with me for staying with him after the first time, if they only knew.
...Accepting that the person I loved was lying to me has been difficult. Acting on what I need to do has been far more difficult. My children gave me the courage. They both told me to file in their own way. This was a huge wake up call.
...May you never experience the pain and hell of divorce. May your relationship continue to be blessed. May you never take advantage of each other and always appreciate each other. It is the little things in life that add up to big meaning and happy memories.
...Thank you for responding. Peace be with you. =(^;^)= Della
2 people like this
@marabdl86 (615)
• United States
3 Nov 07
Salaam alikum to you to. That means exactly Peace be with you in Arabic :)
1 person likes this
@delladidit (466)
• United States
4 Nov 07
...Bless you. I cannot explain what that means to me. I am very touched.
...Salaam alikum. =(^;^)= Della
@delladidit (466)
• United States
4 Nov 07
...Thank you. I pray you never have to go through anything like this.
...Peace be with you. =(^;^)= Della
@plumwish07 (4057)
• Indonesia
6 Nov 07
i believe when there is kind divorce, it will hurt heart each other deeply. although it caused of our selves getting hurted by our partner, but still it will be hurt us. its easier to pretend to another that we feel okay about whats goin on and thats the best thing to do, but when we faced our ownselves, sadness will come to us. when we planned to get together (married), i believe there is no plan to get separated
@seabeauty (1480)
• United States
9 Nov 07
He won't go to counseling.
When I was 8 weeks pregnant with my daughter one day, when he came home from work, he told me he didn't think he loved me anymore and to make an appt. with a counselor.
Well, on the day of the appt. he tells me that we don't need counseling, that we could work things out on our own.
This happened 8 years ago.
His reasons back then for wanting to divorce me..he said I am a bad wife and a bad mother because the house wasn't clean.
He still wants to divorce me now for the same reasons, last week he told me I am a lazy sack of s*it because the house isn't clean. Now mind you I do clean the house, it is just not clean enough for him.
As far as praying, we are not religious people, we don't even go to church but thank you for the suggestion.
@delladidit (466)
• United States
9 Nov 07
...Is he obsessive compulsive? Does everything have to be perfect for him to be happy? Does he help you around the house? I have got to tell you if he does nothing to help, the courts will see it as compliance. If he wants it different, what is he doing to create this change? Has he ever shown you what he wants?
...Telling you that you are a bad mother/wife is emotional abuse. Telling you to make an appointment and then backing out is not only emotional abuse and childish. Did you ever work it out on your own? It doesn't sound like it. In my marriage we fought about the same things, they were never resolved.
...May I ask why you love him so much? Why did you marry him in the first place? Are those feelings still there? How long did you know each other before getting married and how long have you been married?
...Being honest with yourself, do you think he could be cheating on you? Please forgive me, I am sure that question hurt. I ask these questions only to impart thought. Share only if it helps you. There are many here who have been through this. You need to know you are not alone.
...I strongly encourage you to attend a divorce seminar or talk to an attorney. This doesn't mean you are getting divorced! You need to know how to protect yourself financially. Start now and ferret away cash. I had a very close friend open a savings account in her name for me to deposit money into. At the divorce seminar I went to, a woman used a credit card to buy things for her friends, they paid her for them in cash and that is what she put away. Every little bit helps.
...My house was always cluttered. This doesn't mean it wasn't clean. When the kids were small, there was always toys scattered around, paper work piled up and dishes took longer to get to. Please do not let his issues belittle you.
...Would it offend you if I prayed for you? Do you believe in God? Many believers do not attend church.
...Please feel free to send me a private message. You are not alone and I feel your pain. Peace be with you, seabeauty. =(^;^)= Della
@seabeauty (1480)
• United States
8 Nov 07
I am sorry to hear about your divorce. I don't know what I would do if my divorce were final. I would most likely cry.
My husband has recently mentioned that he is going to file for one and I was sad about it so I know I would cry once it is over. I don't know if he is going to go through with his threat though. I hope not.
I wish you the best of luck :).
@delladidit (466)
• United States
9 Nov 07
...Did your husband give reason for wanting a divorce? Have you ever tried marriage counseling? I'm not asking you to explain what is going on here, just giving you food for thought.
...Marriage counseling isn't a sure thing either. We did it four times. So I can honestly say I did all I could to keep my marriage together. Looking back, I can see it wasn't going to work when we went through the second time. The counselor stated we would be able to tell if the other person wanted it to work out by whether or not they did their homework (she set us home each week with a task). However, it did help clear up some important issues. Both have to be willing to work at it.
...Have you prayed together? Have you prayed with your clergy person? It may not keep your marriage together, but it will not hurt, truly. I know I got through this process because I had friends and church family supporting me.
...Best wishes to you in this matter. I did a lot of crying, too. I have a feeling I will do a lot more. I just know I am healthier having gone through it.
...Peace be with you. =(^;^)= Della
@raydene (9871)
• United States
3 Nov 07
Hi Della,
I am going through a hard time myself..trying to decide if I want a divorce or not..A couple of months ago I discovered that my bestfriend-soulmate-buddy-confidant-husband of 27 years and lived together for 2 years and have been boy and girl friends for nearly 30 years was having an affair(for 13 years) with one woman and several others along the way for the past 20+ years...My heart is broken..I kicked him out that day and have not allowed him to enter our home since..I've been with him more then half my life and am not sure how to act as a single person..I still love him so much but I don't think I could ever trust him again..Believe me if I could I would take him back in a blink!..
Good Luck Honey on this new journey your are starting..may the sun always shine and the wind be at your back..may your path be smoothe ...May you find happiness and contentment somewhere along the way..
Big Hugs..
@raydene (9871)
• United States
5 Nov 07
Someone called me one day and started telling me..I laughed at her till she started telling me certain nights and they were times he should have been refing a school game.. I never thought for a second that he would cheat on me.....I trusted him to the ends of the earth!.
...You are right about the cheating..I doubt if he would stop...
...We have 5 children together the youngest is a senior in hs.
...I don't know where I would find anydivorce type programs but I do have a lawyer....
I do have my faith..I am and have been a Bahai for 30 years... Thanks so much for your prayers...
Thanks so much Della
Big Hugs
@delladidit (466)
• United States
4 Nov 07
...How did you find out? Thirteen years of cheating is a long time. Did you ever feel he was before now?
...No one can tell you what to do with this. It has to be your decision. From what you have said though, you have already decided you do not want him in your life any longer. Once a cheater, always a cheater is a true statement. I do not know anyone whose cheating spouse stopped for good.
...Do you have children together? Does he have other children?
...May I suggest going to a divorce seminar. Get your ducks in a row, gf. Whether you file or not, you need to get your finances in order. Hide as much cash as you can. One of my closest friends opened an account in her name for me to use. My car is under someone else's name. Protect as much of your assets as you can and start NOW!!
...May the path before you be illuminated with God's love and the direction you are to go clearly marked. It is not likely to be smooth and much will be up hill. May you be blessed with good counsel, friends and family to see you through whatever you decide to do. I ask this in the name of Jesus. Amen.
...Please feel free to contact me with questions, concerns or just to vent. Gladly, I will help in any way I can.
...Peace be with you. =(^;^)= Della
1 person likes this
@teapotmommommerced (10359)
• United States
10 Nov 07
I hope that your divorce is a good thing for you. I have not been though a divorce so I cannot say. Good luck to you in your new beginnings.
@delladidit (466)
• United States
12 Nov 07
...The new beginnings part is a good thing for us. I look forward to starting a new job, interviewing is fun. I have enjoyed setting up a new home for us. I enjoy meeting new people
...Discovering who I am again is one of the best parts. I lost me somewhere along the way. My dreams were taken over or errased. Now, I have new ones or have rediscovered and revived the old ones.
...Thank you and peace be with you. =(^;^)= Della
@Margajoe (4709)
• Germany
10 Nov 07
I celebrated!
Married for 9 years, and wanted to leave for 6 years.
I was happy, I could finally find out who I really was.
I have been divorced for over 15 years.
Not had much luck with relationships, not really looking .
But, last New year it happend. I found my soulmate.
So, time to do what you want to do.
Peace be with you too.
Take care, have a nice day.
@delladidit (466)
• United States
12 Nov 07
...How did you celebrate? Did you go out and get drunk? Make a cake? Have a rebachelorette party?
...Congratulations! On both your divorce and finding your soul mate.
...Peace be with you. =(^;^)= Della
1 person likes this
