How would you handle this? Need some advice!
By lilybug
@lilybug (21107)
United States
June 28, 2008 5:38pm CST
My kids have different fathers. We live about 100 miles from both of their fathers. When I am in town visiting my family my daughters father almost always takes her for a little but unless he is working when we are up. My son's father does not call him or make any attempt to see him even if he is not working. This of course upsets my son terribly. We have been up visiting family for 8 days now. I called my son's father when we got into town and let him know that we would be here all week. He still has not called to talk to him or ask to see him. My daughter's father works hard 6 days a week and so since we have been up here he has not had a ton of time to spend with her, but he has taken her on both of his off days. My son voiced earlier that he is jealous of my daughters relationship with her father. He is just acting a little sad about it and trying to not let it bother him, but you can tell it does. What would you do in this situation? My daughters father has seen her more in the past week than my son's father has in the past year.
5 people like this
18 responses
@honeydew82174 (1720)
• United States
28 Jun 08
I would not wait for him to come get him but take him over there yourself and the father can explain to him why he does not have time.
@lilybug (21107)
• United States
28 Jun 08
I would do that except I have no idea where he lives. I know what street he lives on but that is it. It is a VERY long road otherwise I would drive around and look for his car. But then again he gets himself a new car every year, so I have no idea what he drives. He switches jobs every few months too.
@lilybug (21107)
• United States
28 Jun 08
The street he lives on is about 1/4 of a mile from my brothers house where we spent most of this past week. That makes it even worse.
I think that finding out that is sister has a new baby sister(3 months) and 2 older siblings is not helping his jealousy any either. He has siblings from his father that he has not seen since her was less than 2 years old. They live with their mother about a 5 hour drive away.
@honeydew82174 (1720)
• United States
28 Jun 08
All you can do then is what rantingqueen said! she is a wise woman! That is a pretty deadbeat dad when you only know the street he lives on. All you can do is try and make up for the jerk and shower the boy with lots of love and attention. Us mom's sure would like to fix their broken hearts.
@ZephyrSun (7381)
• United States
28 Jun 08
I'm sorry to see this is happening to your son. It has to be really hard for him. Do you have a good enough relationship with your daughter's father that he could possibly spend some time with your son? My ex-husband and I have shared parenting and although the children are at his house every other week for the entire week, he doesn't spend any time with them and when they come home they are starved for attention. So my husband takes them out and plays ball and whatnot with them. The love just the male attention. He is more of a father to them than their own father. Maybe some day both of our exes will pull their heads out of their butts and figure it out. Good luck! I hope everything turns out the way that it should!
@lilybug (21107)
• United States
28 Jun 08
I do have a brother that spends some quality time with him from time to time while the baby is with her dad. He still wants his dad though. He is starting to get to the point where he does not really want to see him. Sadly, I cannot say that would be such a bad idea.
@StrawberryKisses (2833)
• Canada
29 Jun 08
Aww that is so sad. I know where your son is coming from. I felt this way when I was growing up because my father has not been around since I was a yr and a half and my sister had her dad. When i was about 8 my sisters father started treating me as his own and whenever she went to visit I got to visit. Now I am a complete member of the family. I am not sure what I would do in your situation other than try to be there for your son when your daughter is with her father. Maybe try to get his mind off of it by taking him out somewhere special to you both.
Good luck
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
29 Jun 08
I would love my son just a little bit more, and try to fill that'
void that his dad refuses to fill. that is so sad. I would also talk to your sons father and see if he cannot make a little time for his own son. shame on him. that is his son.
@SomeCowgirl (32191)
• United States
29 Jun 08
It is sad to see the father of your son do this to his own son. I have read the responses of a few of your other responders and believe that it would be best if you could spend time with your son and make him feel like he's king of the world. The only problem I see here is your daughter getting jealous because of the time that your spending with your son. You could remedy this by having your son pick out a special gift for your daughter on these occasions that you are together. Either that, or since you stay with your brother, maybe your brother can have uncle time with your son. Do you think your brother would agree? A mother is a fine woman, but sometimes the boys need a father figure. Have a Great day.
@jamie62476 (33)
• United States
29 Jun 08
That is just awful! How sad! Sounds like you are doing the best that you can with the situation. Can he express the feelings that he tells you to his dad? It is easier to ignore him thru you than it is directly to your son. That is sad that a father wouldn't want to see his son......WOW!
@crazynurse (7482)
• United States
28 Jun 08
First of all I cannot believe how some parents just don't want to see their kids. My oldest two boys father has not seen them over 20 years. He walked out when they were 3 and 2 and has not seen either of them since! It just flabergasts me how someone can do that. As for your son, he must be hurting so badly. I would spend some special time with him, perhaps you and he do a movie or something else special. All you can do is let him know that he has one parent who will always be there for him. You don't mention his age, but if he is old enough you could discuss his feelings with him. I would not say anytihng derogatory about his father (as tempting as it would be!) rather just say, "I'm sure he must care for you in his own way, but apparently doesn't realize how not coming to see you makes you feel." For goodness sakes encourage your son to voice how he feels and get it out. That is what is essential.
@lilybug (21107)
• United States
28 Jun 08
My son is 8 1/2 years old. His sister is 7 years younger than him and still a baby, so he is trying to be happy for her which is really hard on him. I don't say anything bad to him about his father, but he sure has been coming up with some pretty bad things to say on his own.
@ersmommy1 (12588)
• United States
30 Jun 08
You are doing the best thing possible. Trying to keep his mind off of it is the only thing you can do. Some people are just genetic donors. As a young boy this is harder to understand. He is a wonderful kid. With your efforts he will be a better adult than his dad.
@Gargoyle0134 (1257)
• United States
29 Jun 08
Forget them.-Take a small vacation wiht your kids AWAY form thier dads and have a blast!
They don't seem serious about caring. So the kids don't need to be there. Go explore something wiht them..NOT near their dads!!
@DaddyOfTheRose (2934)
• United States
30 Jun 08
I would love to be able to provide an answer or a solution, but attempting to so do in the space of a few sentences seems insultingly simplistic. I would have to say that a good search through a bookstore for an appropriate seeming book might be in order. Perhaps Dr. Phil has something out there to help.
It is a sad fact of life that not everyone is born equal. Some are born stronger, faster, smarter, or with better dads. Mine left a lot to be desired but didn't leave marks on my mind so bad that I couldn't function in society. I have a family, I have a wife, I have a house, I have a job. I do pretty well, I guess. I would have loved to have a better father. But, I can't change the past. I try to be the best father I can to my daughter. That is all I can do to change the future.
I would believe that your son needs things to do which are fun for him while his sister visits with her father. This might take away a little bit of the jealousy. It won't fix it, unfortunately. I don't know if anything can.
@Twogen1987 (87)
• United States
29 Jun 08
That is really hard. The only thing that you can do, is pay a lot of attention to your son and show him love. Explain to him no matter what happens, he has someone that loves him very much! I don't even know how i would handle this situation. its a hard thing to think about. Poor kid.:( I hope that things get better, and that his father calls.
@rantingqueen (495)
• United States
28 Jun 08
This is a difficult situation to be in. I experience a form of it also, as my first 3 children have one Dad, and my last 2 are with my husband. My situation is a bit different, in the fact that all 5 live with myself and my husband. However, it is hard on the younger ones when the older ones go off with their biological father.
We tend to deal with it by distraction. We take special trips with the younger ones, such as going out to breakfast or a movie while the other ones are gone. It will never erase the sadness that your son feels, but it may help.
I also make it a point to remind my older children when their Dad doesn't call for months on end that he does love them, even if they do not get to see him or talk with him much. I figure the day will come when I will really have to explain the reasoning, but for now, it seems to help to reassure them of their father's love.
I am not sure that all of this will help, but at least you know you are not alone in that boat right now.
@lilybug (21107)
• United States
28 Jun 08
Your idea of distraction is probably a really good one for him. He has even asked if he can go with his sister when she goes with her father. My daughters father has been more of a father to him than his dad ever has. My daughters father has said that when he moves into a different place than where he is now and there is more room then my son is welcome to go with his sister for a visit.
@latriciajones (846)
• United States
29 Jun 08
i can understand how your son may feel. me and my brothers all have different dads but only one of my brothers father is be a part of his life. i used to think that maybe there was something wrong with me. my advice from a mother to a mother is to just stop calling the dad, i would just wait until he decides to participate in your son's life and then i would allow him to see him but only if it is convenient for you. sometimes you have to let them feel like they are really going to lose out and then see if he will come around. and i wouldnt let my son get his hopes up anymore than he has to.
@orchid7980 (58)
• United States
29 Jun 08
It is a really hard situation for you and your son. But I think you should treat this ASAP. I do not think it is a good idea let your son visit your daughter's father house alway, maybe it will make him more miss or hate his father. When your daughter goes with her father, you can make up for him, like taking him to zoo, theater anywhere he likes and can have fun. However, no one can instead father's love, you should talk to his father and tell your son's feeling. He is a father, he has responsibility for his child.
@chelle39574 (215)
• United States
29 Jun 08
i grew up with out a father because mine wanted nothing to do with me after he and my mother got a divorce and i went through depression and anger issues but i had a male cousin and a male friend of the family that would take me and do the "daddy" things with me like teach me to ride a bike and go on the roller coster and that seemed to help alittle for me but my mom always made sure to let me know that it was nothing that i did to make my dad not want me but i was always jealous of my friends who had their dads but after a while i learned that my mother and grandmother and the rest of my family did more for me than that one man ever could and i have grown up alot since then and have realized that not having a father only helped make me a stronger woman. Maybe there is a male in the family that can take your son out for a "guys" day or something every once in a while and that might help with him feeling left out
@lishiwei (1550)
• China
29 Jun 08
Oh,my god it's really difficult to deal with.
I think you can have a talk with your son's father to let him visit your son.to think of his and your son ha maybe will agree with you.This kind of thing is couldn't be insteaded by others,only his father can do as we know.
