Teenage daughters, husband, conflict-What would you do?

United States
February 19, 2009 10:39pm CST
My daughter is 18. She moved in with my mother one year ago and filed to collect child support from me. Instead, the court granted her emancipation. At the end of December, she lost her apartment she shared with her boyfriend. My daughter has a myriad of mental illnesses and has caused quite a bit of chaos in our lives. As a family unit, we were glad to see her go last year. Well since 12/27/08 she went back to my mothers and was shortly thereafter thrown out. She then moved on to the other grandmother and lasted there about 1 week. Then she showed up on my doorstep 3 weeks ago boyfriend in tow. I put them in our boys room and had the boys sleep in my room and the living room. The boys were delighted at first, but now miss their room. Last week I gave them(daughter & BF) notice that they needed to be gone no later than the 1st of March. My 16 year old daughter has wanted her sister out since day 2 and my husband did not want them here at all. I must add a little over a year ago my 18 y/o threw a glass in my husbands face and broke his nose.The year before that while she was in a manic high, I sent him out to look for her before she got herself into trouble. Well, she was with friends and told one of the kids that she did not know my husband and he was stalking her. This kid had a BB gun which looked like a hand gun and put it to my husbands head and then shot him in the back. Only a BB but somewhat traumatizing nonetheless. My daughter also was here less than five minutes before she started with my husband screaming and name-calling. She's had a violent history with everyone in the household, not the case at this point or she'd be gone by now. She is obnoxious and lazy. Her boyfriend is not a problem. He works, he does what I ask him to do around the house, he's quiet and respectful. My daughter is quite the opposite. Well last weekend, I sent her to look at an apartment all went well and they were expected to move tomorrow (Friday). That turns out to not be the case. They will not be moving until the 28th. I don't think any of us can last that long. I want my boys to have their room back, but I don't want the guests in the living room-things will be worse. Part of me wants to respect my husbands wishes and toss her out now and part of me says she wanted to be on her own so badly too bad what happens. All in all I am still her mother. I feel really stuck in the middle. I understand where he's coming from, I just don't know what else to do but hang in there another 9 long days. I am being unfair to make everyone else suffer along? Also, my boys 8 & 4 think she's the greatest(outside of taking over their room) and I am 36 weeks pregnant and not in the mood for any of this. Sorry about the length-I could go on.....Any thoughts????
1 response
raynejasper
@raynejasper (2322)
• Philippines
20 Feb 09
..basing from your story, and comparing it to the situations I've read and witnessed, your daughter actually is thirsty and hungry for love and attention from you as her parent most especially that during this times, her teenage time, this is a very critical one and she needs to be guided. However, she can't get the attention that she wants.. Instead of getting angry with her, I would rather advice you if you would accept this, to show love and affection to your daughter.. she may not understand what she really wants in her life because at an early age, she was not given the proper care. love, understanding and most especially, the feeling of belongingness in a family.. If I were to analyze the situation, she never had a family who cares for her.. and that is what she really wants this time.. you could try talking to her heart to heart.. She will be tough of course but that is only her defense mechanism because in her heart, she is broken emotionally.. that's why she already has a boyfriend because she is longing for somebody to show her love and care.. Try putting yourself in her situation then you will realize how hard her situation actually is.. you see, I feel pity for her.. she deserves to have a family who could care for her.. grab your opportunity while she is still young because if she will be old, she will always have a bad feeling for you and maybe she will even forget you as her mother.. she is your child, flesh and bones.. she needs your love.. Have pity on her.. I'm sorry if you would feel bad with what I wrote. I just want to help her and you..
misskyla
@misskyla (40)
• United States
20 Feb 09
Thank you for your input. My daughter was always loved and well cared for. She always had extended family involved in her life. Her father is no great shakes, but was in her life all along. He slacked off when her mental illness began to present itself in her behavior. She has received counseling and treatment since the onset. We have been through family counseling, had counseling in-home as well as in office. We have had various intervention programs work with the whole family. Even before my husband and I got married he was involved in these programs too. My daughter has bipolar disorder with a tendency toward mania, oppositional defiance disorder, paranoia and delusions. She makes the choices with her medications to take or not and cannot be forced. It isn't fair to subject the rest of the family to her rudeness, but here we are. As with both grandmothers, I cannot afford to be evicted from my apartment because of her behavior.