Ideal Age gap between couples-opinions please!

lol..I SHOULD get down to writing....Deepak has been prodding me for a year now...but I just don't have the time. Even when new psychologists come up with new findings, my first thought is...'I've been thinking that for years! Oh, why don't I get down to writing my own book'. Then people will pay more attention to what I have to say...lol

Thank you for the detailed response Vishwan and I agree with what you have written.In fact, what you have written in the last sentence has been echoed in my article in AC http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1560739/how_diametrically_opposite_partners.html?cat=41 -if you ar einclined and have the time, please do read it.[I am sure we would find similarities] Actually, the age gap is not too high between my husband and me [especially considering the time when we were married] and like what you said there would eb all kinds of cases.THis is why we have arrived at the final conclusion [in our home context I mean]that it is all willed by God to a large extent. THe story these days is different becasue tolerance is on the wane in the current scenario.

True.I agree with what you have said.

What is this Deepak!You have whetted my curiosity and now I have to keep guessing.What you have written is absolutely true Deepak!In foreign countries ,they have a different pattern and all these age differences do not really matter.In our country this is a different thing. But, I feel girls, would, irrespective of their ages show a tendency of that motherly protective instinct [in fact they have it in them --something that starts off as a security measure develops and flowers and becomes a second nature ]. But I also feel that if girls are older than their husbands this has a bit of risk in it --research has proved that they have been wired in a way that makes them superior in the coordination of both the left and right parts of the brain[there was an article recently in Economic Times] and then girls , given their nature may tend to be not only protective in a 'motherly' way but also 'powerful' and tend to give instructions [like what they do with their little kids] in a motherly way which a man may find to be on the higher side.I doubt whether this would work in our Indian context.

I agree Deepak that there are many other factors that come into play .We who belong to a tradition of arranged marriages ---[is in't it so DEEPAK--I presume yours is also an arranged one or do you have some positive, happy Bollywood love story to tell me[I have not asked this valid question to you so far}[what is the use of exchanging chats and mails without this important question?] so where was I ?--- we know that the girl is younger in ninety nine percent of cases.And I aLSo see that many of the girls and boys want a smaller age gap.. And to your last question, it need not be necessarily a past love affair ;it can also happen between colleagues etc.., One of my cousins who is abroad got married to a Grecian girl who was fourteen years older and has an adult child of her own.My aunt [you know how conservative they would normally be ]said that she is an ideal girl, a gem etc etc ..,they seem to be happily married so far.[for the past 5 years or so]

Kala!Hi! Thanks for agreeing with me and my points. Let it be a secret for the time being whether mine is an arranged marriage or my marriage has a bollywood story in it........LOL! (This way at least you will keep guessing till I disclose you the actual position.....LOL) I agree with you that colleagues can also get married, irrespective of their age difference, specially when the woman is older to the man. The case is which you have mentioned happened in a foreign country and the woman was a foreigner. However, here I see less cases of this kind. Exceptions are always there, however, my mind always wonders, how a couple make adjustments when the woman/girl is elder to the boy/man. May be she gives her 'motherly' treatment and they both remain happy...........LOL!

In our country where the system of arranged marriages are still prevalent, it is normally the done thing to opt for a girl younger than a man in marriage.Now, how big this gap is , or should be is the question.However, age becomes irrelevant in the face of adjustment/maladjustment.So, we just place faith in God and marriages are fixed.

True it is absolutely up to them whether they are going to make it work or not.Ours is a traditional happy arranged marriage and whatever arguments we may have we respect each other a lot and that is why we have been getting along very well for the past 30 years+. We have totally different temperaments and tastes [in fact I have written an article about this in AC http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1560739/how_diametrically_opposite_partners.html?cat=41 but now, after so many years and because I too have cultivated an interest in my husband's field of finance we have common ground to discuss.He listens to my area of study and interest and shares his opinions.But still we do haev fundamentaly different temperaments and this would have been there irrespective of age. Thanks for the response.

Great reponse and I wish you all the best!

Thank you I wish you the best also.

I hope i will work for me and my boyfriend! thanx

When you a re not worried about the Math, why did you have to write that complicated thing about Victorian formula now?My mind immediately wen t to calculate diligently what the age gap should be and I realise now that if the boy is 20 then the girl's ideal age is 10+10 =20 THen if the boy is 18 what happens?It becomes 19. So, the moral is that boys better get married after 20 if they don't want their wives to be older. Very nice response though it made me do some fruitful calculations You have included two categories.Let me add mine to BE the third--there are others who meet their respective spouses through arranged marriages.

Shepherdspy, your Victorian age gap found great favour with my husband and he said that it is a very valuable input.He also came out with his deduction that the formula of of Victorian times suggests that men and women have a somewhat similar maturity of mind till the age of 20;as years progress theron, it slowly increases and the woman gets sharper and more mature than the man .Thanks for the response.

Sounds good,that it appears to have some Value :)

Don't I know that ?How can I forget that romantic sms from the verandah?It delighted me no end Carpenter.I do gather that the concept of couples with great age gap,older women and younger men really does not matter so much in the western countries , but in our country , the mindset is slightly different. Here they go in for same age girls or slightly younger ones.Thanks for the response.I have yet to reply to your tornado comment.Have a nice day!

Sree I have plenty to write to your post now;ill finish Deepak's and then come back here.

Apart from the maturity point of view I thought of another aspect too Sree.We generally do find the girls younger than the boys in arranged marriages--this arranged marriage practice has been here for ages.In those days when people had large families[my gmothers were all married at the age of 11 and in fact some of my aunts got married at the age of 13 and these were the eldest children of large families.THe father would have other daughters lined up for marriage and unless he starts it young , imagine the difficulties he is going to have.For example my maternal gf had nine children [six daughters]and I was eleven years old when his last daughter got married and he himself was 69. THe maturity point is definitely there and as one of the respponses pointed out that Victorian formula was a great one. But about the patience part of it, I think this is something developed in tune with the temperamnet of either partner.When it is called for , we automatically get it.[when we believe in the sanctity of togetherness].I knew which celebrities you were referring to. Coming to your last observation SREE, I think that the fact that there is no real retirement for a woman has something to do with her losing her cool[whether it is her own choice or enforced] Secondly, soemtimes , men who have been pushed a lot in their youth get very adamant[they would look absolutely cool thus frustrating their wives, who on inspection would be found to have been some henpecked husbands in their young age and are now grabbing their so called 'lost 'opportunity]--I have seen cases like this--And agegap really does not have anything to do with this. Thirdly, these poor women in their fifties have a problem with their hormones and this apparently adds to their irritability.

Hi dear, Thank you very much for your detailed reply. I agree earlier girls got married in an early stage. My grandmothers (both) got married at the age of 13 and my mother got married at the age of 18. But that time joint families were there and I think it helps them much because grown ups are available for giving advises. You have much experience and vast knowledge on the above subject and my knowledge and experience is very little. I should learn more from you.

gREAT AND i am very happy that I was able to mark many responses positive here, yours being one of them.

I totally agree that there canbe no couples without disagreements .However, I do feel that age gap does not give better understanding.My mentioning fights was on a light vein [I had also pointed out that we entertained the youngsters is in't it] and with this age gap we have perfect understanding .Otherwise we cannot have stayed together for 30 years isn't it?I have seen older couples with greater age gaps and less understanding [they may still be together out of habit and compulsion]

How right you a re ! When you a re conscious that mild arguments should not turn out into big quarrels it would not happen Rainegurl! Awareness always brings with it preventive measures.

Transparency is the key- Spot on.

That is definitely the ideal situation when they are like friends.Thank you.

Very well said Zandi!True love and compassion betwen couples makes us understand another person's fair point of view and disagreements come to an end .That is the key to success.

True we can always get cases to prove either point about huge or little gaps and man being older and woman being older etc.., In our Indian context it is normally the practice of younger girls getting married to slightly older boys.THere are of course exceptions and nowadays with love marriages on the increase this is changing.

We all seem to be the same-little squabbles and disgreements do not really matter in the whole wonderful picture of marriage.Thanks for the response.

So the moral of your story also says thta there can be no hard and fast rule.THanks, friend for the response.

I too feel that too wide a gap may not work out though the varied responses to this discussion have shown that there are still exceptions , who are very happy but with a huge difference in their ages.

That is another point of view and i thank you for your participation.