Coincidence? I dont think so!
By my2boys
@my2boys (821)
United States
May 14, 2009 5:51am CST
My husband and I have been struggling with our marriage for sometime. We argue almost everyday and don't really have much of a relationship left. We have two young boys though and so I have done my best to try and make it work for them. Last Saturday night around 11pm my husbands phone rang. When he answered it I could hear a womans voice. I couldnt understand what she was saying but i could tell that it was a womans voice. He told her he was in the bed and would call her back in the morning. When he hung up the phone I asked him who it was and he said it was a girl that used to work at the store he just bought (he owns gas stations)and she was asking him for a job. My first response was that no one calls and asks for a job at 11 oclock at night. He just said he didnt know why she called so late that she must be crazy. Then the very next day (Sunday), he disappeared for like two hours. I could not get him to answer his cell phone. I finally blocked my number and then he answered. When I asked him why he wasnt answering his phone he said that it got turned off somehow but he didnt know how. I told him that it was not turned off because it was ringing. When his phone is turned off it doesnt ring. It goes straight to voicemail. Then he said that he just must not have heard it ringing then. So then when I ask him where he was for those two hours. He gets up and starts yelling and saying that he was leaving. He went and packed his bags and hasnt came back yet. He says that he is not doing anything but to me it is just too big of a coincidence that a girl called it that late the night before and the very next day he diappears and doesnt answer his phone. Then when I just ask him a simple question he goes crazy and leaves.
15 people like this
31 responses
@vicki2876 (5636)
• Canada
14 May 09
Sounds like he is cheating too. Sorry to say that. But it also sounds like you kinda knew things were going bad before this day. It does seem like he is having an affair and will say anything to not admit it. I think he is likely to blame you for everything and deny it so that it isn't his fault in the kids eyes. But they will eventually learn the truth as it usually always comes out. I come from a divorced family and after time and the wounds are heeled I did find out both parents side of events and made my own opinion as to how it went wrong. I am also going through a separation with my partner. He is not admitting to my son that he is seeing anyone however my son sees that I am dating and his dad is moping around when he sees him so it looks like I am the bad one, though I am the one sporting a hole in the wall from him. He is trying to make it look like I am the bad one when really I did everything I could to keep it together for the family.
4 people like this
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
14 May 09
I smell trouble there, sorry. I don't really know what to say because I myself am allergic to cheating and just very recently, I just found out someone in my family was cheating.
I was cheated too before but I guess it's different when it's not yet marriage.
However, what I could just say to you right now, is to just let him be. You can't do anything and looking for proof would just make you weary and it would just ruin the house. Your boys will be affected and there's no more peace at home.
My mom told me before that you can't do anything about that. But you should demand that he do his responsibility (money, bills, for the boys, etc.) Sooner or later he would come back. But he'll only come back if he realizes there's still a home waiting for him. I know you'd want to just beat the daylights out of him, but remember doing so would just further push him away. And right now isn't the best idea to think about divorce because he'll really accept it because he no longer sees your company or your home appealing.
Please try not to think about divorce. At the same time, don't nag. Assess yourself how you were before and how you were now. What has changed? Remember that men are also little boys.
Try to pray hard. Just trust that whatever you're going through, you can live through it. I know it's painful and I'm sure you don't want to destroy the family for your two boys. So just be civil.
When he comes home, don't do what he expects you to do. I know he'd expect you to nag his head off. I know he'd expect you to question him a lot. Please refrain from doing that. Instead, if you could, thank him for coming home and tell him you missed him. You see, these reactions would somehow make him wonder, he'd be curious and he'll realize he doesn't know you that much and there are still mysteries in this girl he had married.
Anyway, there are a lot of tips and tricks to these things. But you got to be firm to yourself if you want to continue the family.
Good luck. Remember that this is the best time for you to put prayer as a part of your life. God bless you always and stop thinking too much.
3 people like this
@comfort55 (1574)
• India
15 May 09
Wow! a very valuable advice!And no doubt, this is the real test of time!
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
15 May 09
I agree with you wholehearedly. In this rsponse you have said it all. Yelling and screaming is not going to accomplish anything except to give him an excuse to leave. Be in control. God bless you and your family and I hope that it all works out o.k.
2 people like this
@LadyMarissa (12148)
• United States
14 May 09
Looking at it from your side, he has been tried, found guilty & convicted!!! I can tell you from personal experience that you get more evidence from sugar than from accusations. Challenging him at every turn just keeps him on his toes!!! Play stupid & he will get over confident & screw up!!! Sounds to me like you need a private detective. I know they don't come cheap, but they are very effective. If you really don't plan on leaving, STOP torturing yourself & accept he's a cheating jerk. I think you & your children DESERVE a LOT MORE!!! If you don't prove his infidelity & you do get a divorce, he could possibly get the boys. With proof that he's cheating, you get to tell him when gets to visit with the boys!!! Then there's the problem of getting him to quit spending money on his latest hussy & start paying the child support. It might be worth your while to try & find a happy medium between the two of you
3 people like this
@LadyMarissa (12148)
• United States
15 May 09
Have you ever seen someone have a huge bitter argument with themselves? No? Me neither. You assume way too much. So please don't answer for me!!! YES, I was married to a man who would say something & then immediately say I know what you're going to say. Then he'd rattle off something I would NEVER even think of...much less say. Then he'd argue his side followed by what he knew I would say once again. This would go on for hours until he'd finally get pissed, quit talking to me for the nasty things I had said to him (I still hadn't said a word because my chin was on the floor from the things he thought I would say).
While you have set yourself up as judge, jury, and executioner for this man, you have allowed the other party off free when you don't know all the facts. If you read my first sentence I said Looking at it from your side. That is the ONLY side I had. I did NOT say she was correct. I did NOT tell her to challenge him. I actually suggested she STOP challenging him. If she makes him feel less of a man, then he should approach her about it. Getting a girlfriend is NOT the way to fix the problem!!! Be man enough to say...you make me feel unworthy so I'm going to find me somebody who will love me for just being me. By saying nothing, he is just as responsible as you perceive her to be. If he's so freaking miserable that he can justify cheating in his mind, be man enough to say I can't take it anymore, I'm leaving because I've met someone who adores me. I can guarantee that the new admirer won't adore him for long!!! If the girlfriend is dumb enough to call him at home that late at night, he needs to find a smarter girlfriend,,,or LEAVE!!! Give this woman credit!!! She's as unhappy as he is yet she doesn't have a boyfriend. She's staying home taking care of his children. The girlfriend isn't taking care of them & probably never will. I find in this case neither side is correct. Until I can hear his side, I don't know what he feels she is doing wrong to make him feel so unworthy. Read the last sentence where I said It might be worth your while to try & find a happy medium between the two of you
I was giving her options, not executing him!!! Actually, you have NO more information than I did & you are attempting to crucify her. Shame on you!!! I find your excuses to be a cop out!!! Your worthiness comes from inside you NOT from outside of somebody else. You can ONLY feel as unworthy as you allow yourself to feel. I'm sorry you are so insecure as to let a mere female make you feel so useless. Now apologize to this woman for assuming that she is totally at fault!!! It takes 2 to tango....or fight.
1 person likes this
@andy77e (5156)
• United States
15 May 09
The problem with this approach is that it exempts her from seeing what she should improve. Have you ever seen someone have a huge bitter argument with themselves? No? Me neither. People tend to not have knockdown drag out fights all by themselves. But Couples do.
Men need affection, and need to feel valued. They need to feel that someone respects them. When they don't get those martial needs met, they tend to find it elsewhere. Now you and I know that this is very wrong, but when you are starved for those things at home, and home ends up feeling like a hostile place, people tend to find other ways to fill that need.
While you have set yourself up as judge, jury, and executioner for this man, you have allowed the other party off free when you don't know all the facts. Have you ever come home from a long day at work, feeling like everyone is stepping all over you, only to find home to be filled with non-stop conflict and degradation?
Again, this isn't to say what he may, or may not, have done was right. This one sided view is exactly what the average divorced person in America is divorced 3 times. They blame everything on the other person, move into a new relationship, and repeat the exact same mistakes all over again.
1 person likes this
@rymebristol (1808)
• Philippines
14 May 09
based on your story it seems that your husband is having an affair. an affair that will broke your heart and your family as well. how could a man not be satisfied with his better half. and that girl, she's destroying a relationship.
try to talk things over again, maybe that will help. it's too early to draw the line.
3 people like this
@3foxy6 (9)
• Trinidad And Tobago
15 May 09
he is definitely cheating on you you all have kids even if you all could just talk to each other and fix your marriage for the kids and then try and fix your marriage while you all are living in the same house there are always something to bother someones marriage the devil is so busy so would you pray and ask god to help protect and guide and help mend the relationship and i don't mean to pray once but pray many times a day whenever you get the chance and everyday so hope everything works out.
1 person likes this
@Ozarkgirl (774)
• United States
14 May 09
A non-guilty person never leaves or run away from the situtation that they are being accused falsely of, they stay and fight for their innocenses. I am sorry but I agree with you, and I am afriad he is cheating on you, he may not be sexually cheating on you, but there are so many ways to cheat on a person. In fact you need to visit the following site and read the article "When is Cheating, Cheating?" at socyberty dot com forward slash Relationships forward slash When-is-Cheating-Cheating dot 612839. I think that you will find this article very helpful.
3 people like this
@flutterbykisses (593)
• United States
14 May 09
Sounds pretty fishy to me!
No one in their right mind would call a house at 11 o'clock at night about a job.
Sounds to me like he is just grabbing at straws and hoping you will believe him.
The worse thing you can do is trying to keep a marriage together for the kids.
In the long run they are hurt by the argueing and fighting more than having an absent parent.
Children need a loving and stable environment if they are to grow up to be productive citizens and not someone who needs to go to counseling becasue of what happend when they were growing up.
I would tell Mr. Good Time Charley to buck up or get out.
flutterby
@PurpleTeddyBear (6685)
• Canada
14 May 09
Well said flutterbykisses! I too believe that keeping a marriage together just for the sake of the kids is a bad idea and usually does more harm then good as well!
3 people like this
@PurpleTeddyBear (6685)
• Canada
14 May 09
I agree that councelling becomes their only out! I would be willing to bet that yes their are some cases where those children grow up and have happy and healthy marriages, BUT I'm sure their are a lot more that don't!
3 people like this
@flutterbykisses (593)
• United States
14 May 09
Thank you Purple...I have known so many couples who have done just that..stayed together for the kids.
Those children are so messed up now that counseling is their only out.
Will they be able to get married and make it work? Who knows?
3 people like this
@rmuxagirl (7548)
• United States
14 May 09
It does seem too odd that he would get a girl calling his phone and then he disappeared for two hours without saying where he was. If he didn't have anything to hide I don't think he would have or should have gotten upset like that. My man tells me where he is going somewhere and if he doesn't answer he tells me why and doesn't get mad at me when I ask him things.
2 people like this
@AmbiePam (86260)
• United States
14 May 09
Uh-oh. I am sorry. It seems like just a little while ago you got on mylot to tell us about your new baby. Would he be willing to go to marriage counseling? If he admitted to cheating, could you forgive him? I'm not married, so I have no idea what you are going through. I know it sounds trite, but I'm going to pray for you. I can't imagine the pain.
2 people like this
@my2boys (821)
• United States
16 May 09
Yes. Our son is 9 months old. I have begged him so many times to go to counseling with me and he wont. IF he admitted it i could not forgive him. For the simple fact that when we first got married used to fight with him over stupid things all the time but I have grown up a lot and try not to argue anymore. SO he comes home everyday just looking for an argument and picking at me until I get angry so he can leave the house for awhile. If he isnt happy and wants someone else he should just leave. That goes for everyone out there. Not just him.
1 person likes this
@PurpleTeddyBear (6685)
• Canada
14 May 09
First off I would like to say that I am so sorry you are going through this! It sounds to me like he is cheating, sorry to say because your right who the hell would call for a job at that time of night. Also when you asked him where he was and why he didn't answer his phone he flipped out. If your not guilty of something you will usually explain yourself and have solid answers, not get all upset and leave. It sounds to me that he is blaming you so that in the kids eyes you are the bad one, and to be quite honest sorry if this sounds mean but it sounds like he did you a favor. If the relationship was going "sour" anyhow it would have ended eventually. Yes kids are important but "saving" a relationship for the sake of the kids usually ends up back firing and doing more harm then good anyway!
2 people like this
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
14 May 09
I don't envy you at all...it's a hard situation to be in and to know what to do...He should have been able to just tell you where he was at.....but since he got mad and left and hasn't returned well....he pointed everything to himself...I am not saying he did anything but he acts like he is guilt driven...Good luck and I really hope you find out what was going on so you have peace of mind.
2 people like this
@tatiana07 (497)
• Philippines
14 May 09
i don't want to be mean to you but i can see based on your story that your husband is having something..an affair?hmm..maybe..if your husband is not hiding something and by that kind of simple question coming from you, well he don't have to shout like that and act as if he's immature..he can tell you in a nice manner and in a civil way..
happy mylotting!
@charlenmendoza (922)
• Philippines
15 May 09
All women will agree about this, women instinct. We have this power or capability to detect if their is something wrong with our relationship and if our husband is having an affair. I remember before when my husband is dating his officemates. Im getting palpitation everytime he is doing something. Until my own eyes saw it. His hand is in the girls shoulder while walking.
With your case, i also believe that there is something wrong. Now the question is what do you want to do about it. do you want to see it for yourself that he has another girl. For me, its not finding if he is having an affair, its you. If you still love your husband, and you still want to work it out. Kids are the one who is affected whether your out or your in from relationship. You can be the best mother and you can give your full attention to your kids once you are happy.
@Maryam27 (411)
• Pakistan
15 May 09
By reacting like he did and leaving home it's clear that your husband is up to something bit another thing that I wanted to mention here is please don't question him again and again about something and don't irritate him by arguing over the same things again and again as you said your relationship is not going well even then if you kept doing this it will only make things worse for both of you. Don't push him to go away from you if you want him to stay with you. I hope he gets back home and you both get a chance to clear up the things.
2 people like this
@Flirtykumquat (927)
• United States
14 May 09
Sad to say your spouse is having an affair. It will be hard at first but at least it finally ended. I went through the same thing towards the end of my relationship and it was hard. At least he packed his bags and left and he didn't abuse you or try to take your kids or whatever. If the cell is under your name I would call and have it disconnected just to be a b*tch..lol..But don't worry if you know in your heart that you did everything to try to keep the relationship going then you shouldn't feel bad. Keep your head up!
2 people like this
@jdyrj777 (6530)
• United States
15 May 09
I thinks its just the males nature to be that way. When i think about Bibical times and also how they still live today in other countries. There was/is so much pologamy. I think the laws that say one wife per man goes against a males nature. In countries where one wife is the law the males go out and at times have other families without marriage. Or may divorce wife then get another.
Do you want a broken marriage? What about the kids?
Stop fighting with him. Make love not war. If you love him forgive and forget. Although you cant forget you act as thought you have. Such as not bringing it up. Thus causing a fight and actually pushing him into anothers arms.
Fight for himin a non violent way. Making love not war. And make it better than ever before.
Besides i can not say if he is guilty. There are always two side to a story. I know my phone has accidently been swiched to silent before.
I have said this same thing to my own daughter.
1 person likes this
@savypat (20216)
• United States
15 May 09
Maybe it's for the best that you two are apart for a time. This will give you time to cool off and to remember why you got married in the first place. If you still can't resolve this take into consideration that the relationship you have now is not good for your kids, they are not learning how caring, adult persons should interact with each other. Since this has already happened take this time to look at the relationship without such intense emotion. Blessings
1 person likes this
@paula27661 (15811)
• Australia
15 May 09
I'm sorry to say but I don't think it's a coincidence either; it sounds to me as if he is having an affair; if he's not up to anything why get mad, pack up and leave instead of defending himself? I guess you know that too and it must be very painful for you.
Do you think the marriage is worth saving? If the children are your only reason for staying, I wouldn't do it because in my opinion it's not enough to make a relationship work no matter how much you love your kids, besides they don't need to grow up in a hostile environment.
If you feel that it is worth trying to work it out, is there any way he would consider marriage counselling? Would he at least talk it over with you?
I do hope you find the right solution, hang in there, no matter what happens you have your precious children, let us know what you are going to do. Wishing you the best outcome.
1 person likes this
@lumenmom (1986)
• United States
15 May 09
Without passing any judgement I am going to say yours is a CLASSIC case of the signs that someone is lying and cheating. There's no doubt he's lying about the cell phone. You don't even have to question that. His behavior of blowing up and packing his bags is typical of the guilt response people have when confronted with questions they don't want to answer. You mention that you have been struggling for a while and that you don't have much of a relationship left. No doubt your boys can see that you are having trouble even if they don't completely understand. It might be in veryone's best interest fro you both to find a way to officially seperate so you can both heal and move on. Of course you both will want to be there for your boys but you want to be whole and healthy. I guarantee you that going on the way you are is going to do nothing but stress you out more and eventually give you health problems where you won't be very much good for your children. Yes, I am talking from experience.
1 person likes this
@ddhawkins63 (682)
• United States
15 May 09
Sorry to say this but that is a major sign that he is cheating. I have been on both sides of the coin so I know how it works. I saw it for years with my step-father and mother's relationship as well. It's not a coincidence.
