Marriage? Good Friends, No Romance!

Hope

@1hopefulman (45121)

• Canada

18 Jun 10

Hey artistry! Just to complicate things a bit more.

What if you marry a friend and shortly after, the person of your dreams pops up. What then?

2 people like this

@artistry (4152)

• United States

17 Jun 10

..Hi there 1hopefulman, You are having fun so no feeling sorry for the hopeful one here. "o). This is something that happens naturally, I don't think you make a conscious choice to go from being just friends to being romantically linked. I also don't think if it happens that one friend starts to care for the other in a different way that the other friend would feel the same. So it's a little complicated in my opinion. My thought was if jointly two friends just made an agreement to marry and did it. My thought on that is that it could very well work out, expectations would be low and if they care it could grow into a different stage. My thought on your part is that sometimes things happen when we are not expecting them to or looking for them to happen. Also I have heard that what we want we usually go and get,"o). Sooooooo! That's why I say you are having fun and enjoying yourself. Take care.

1 person likes this

@artistry (4152)

• United States

18 Jun 10

...Hi there, If the two friends married with or without the romantic feelings, the marriage is a commitment and they should hang with it. One thing about the girl or guy of your dreams, you can wake up from that dream and find you were deluded. That's why I like friends getting together and growing into the man or woman of each other's dreams. I believe it can be done. Just a dreamer I am, I am. "o) Thanks for the complication, it happens when you marry with the love connection right?

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mr_pearl

@mr_pearl (5018)

• India

16 Jun 10

Well, if someone thinks of marriage to be an un-romantic thing, then he/she is privileged to do that... I wouldn't ever!! I love my lady and it must be a romantic affair before and after marriage... What is the point of marriage, if there is no romance???

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mr_pearl

@mr_pearl (5018)

• India

17 Jun 10

Hi Artistry... I am glad that you agree upon one point that 'Romance' is necessary in relationship.. I don't think that Romance is the only factor in a relationship... There are many things and Romance is only a compulsory factor out of them. It is a mandatory factor out of a few more... For example, Frankness between the couple. That is another mandatory factor for a healthy relationship... As you put it now, it is certainly possible for two friends to be attached to each other and love will grow between them... It will strengthen the relationship too...

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@artistry (4152)

• United States

16 Jun 10

..Hi mr_pearl, Your point is well taken. One would think that romance is what makes the relationship shine and certainly it adds spice and flavor. But with that said, most of the marriages here or I should say over 50% of them end in divorce and so, we have to think romance was a part of them all, but could not help to sustain the relationship long term. So how about being friends and growing into love, could that maybe help in having the base of friendship to build on and assist in the long term union? Naturally having both would be the optimal factor. Thanks for your thoughts, take good care.

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@artistry (4152)

• United States

17 Jun 10

...Hi again mr_pearl, agreed! I had an Aunt who was special to me, who was named Pearl. I lived with her when I was very young and she spoiled me excellently well. "o). The frankness is very important as well as in a platonic friendship. Which reminds me that I have to ask a question of a friend to clear something up or I will be hostile because of it, thinking the worst. Take good care.

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Iriene88

@Iriene88 (5343)

• Malaysia

16 Jun 10

Talking from experience.... I would suggest that good friends should stay as good friends. If there is no romance, no 'that special unigue' love feeling, then marriage will be dull, and need efforts. If a couple is full of 'genuine love', marriage is indeed a beautiful commitments full of joy and the power to overcome every obstacles.

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alaskanray

@alaskanray (4636)

• United States

16 Jun 10

You can create that "special" feeling. All it takes is a little work. But if you have that "special feeling" without the friendship, it can evaporate . I have known enough men in my life that I can unequivocally say that that "special feeling" is all in your imagination and can be felt for literally anyone. When I look at some of the men I've been with, I know that is true...lol.

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@artistry (4152)

• United States

16 Jun 10

...Hi there Iriene, You make a good point they can stay as friends and different things happen with different people. But since there is over 50% divorce rate nationwide, then the "in love" thingee wanes most of the time if you look at athe stats. So being friends is something that would help to maybe cement the marriage. It would help if they were friends as well, I don't know that many marr with only being friends, most want some romance. The genuine love factor is indeed beautiful. Thank you for stopping by. Take care.

1 person likes this

@artistry (4152)

• United States

16 Jun 10

...Hi alaskanray, I am in your camp, I think if you are kind to each other you can grow to love each other, if you only start out as friends. You can have all those feelings of euphoria of being "in love" and then it all crashes and you look at each other and now what? So being friends is a better foundation then the in love thing. You can grow to love someone eventually if they are kind and care for you as I said. So it is a personal choice, but friendship as an anchor for the relationship is a good start. Thank you very much for your response.

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llbo1981

@llbo1981 (1237)

• China

16 Jun 10

Marriage,good friends,these have no relationship with romance.Although you have married,maybe you have no romance,because the person who you married is not the loved one.Although you have good friends,maybe you have no romance also.But the good friends can become a person have romance with you.

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@artistry (4152)

• United States

16 Jun 10

..Hi llbo, There you have it, what you have stated. Good friends could become great lovers. If someone cares for you the relationship can grow into something more. People are divorcing in greater numbers than are staying married so maybe starting from friendship would be the better model, than being in love which disappears over time in a lot of cases. Having both is excellent, but being friends can be a great foundation for a lasting relationship. Thanks so much for your perceptive thoughts. Take care.

1 person likes this

alaskanray

@alaskanray (4636)

• United States

16 Jun 10

lol...have you ever watched "The Mirror Has Two Faces"? My sister loves that movie and it's about two friends who marry because they respect and admire each other but no romantic feelings. I have to say, after following my romantic feelings into disaster after disaster that I will never marry someone who is not my best friend. I don't care if the romance is there or not. Romance can be created by your attitude. It is fleeting and lacks any substance. It is in the friendships and knowing each other and trusting each other that marriage becomes a lasting and truly intimate relationship. Friendship can be trusted. Romance cannot. Give me a good friend any day over a "hottie".

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@artistry (4152)

• United States

16 Jun 10

..Hi alaskanray, You make the point realistically from experience as I have mentioned, there is an over 50% divorce rate nationwide here. So the fact that most people who marry think they are in love or are in love is not quite working to keep things together in these unions. So perhaps as a change be friends first and grow together to love, maybe would help to maintain more marriages? Having both will be the best. Don't remember seeing the movie, how did it end, were they able to sustain the marriage? Please let me know. Thank you for doing that and for stopping by. Take care.

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@artistry (4152)

• United States

16 Jun 10

...Hi, hi, Thanks very much, I made a note of the information. Take it easy.

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bluemoonpavilion

@bluemoonpavilion (4658)

• Singapore

16 Jun 10

How about trying to turn that friendship into love? If friends and merely good friends marry without love, what happens if one party falls in love with another person later on? But then again, if both parties have talked about it and are determined to make it work, it might. Ultimately, it's up to them both and what they want out of the marriage.

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friendship

love

@artistry (4152)

• United States

16 Jun 10

...Hi there bluemoonpavilion, I feel the same as you, starting with a pure friendship instead of being so "in love" or in lust as some may say is far more sustainable long term in a relationship. Now if you have both, I think the realatonship should last a long time. Ultimately to last, as you say both people have to want it to and both have to work at keeping it together. Thanks so much for your reply. Take it easy.

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alaskanray

@alaskanray (4636)

• United States

16 Jun 10

Love is a choice. You don't fall in love, you fall in lust. Bottom line is commitment. If you are committed to a person, then you won't be looking anywhere else.

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bluemoonpavilion

@bluemoonpavilion (4658)

• Singapore

16 Jun 10

Hmmm, this is very true.

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Marja

@buenavida (9985)

• Sweden

26 Jun 10

I have been reading the comments here, looks like many of us have learned that something that can start with friendship can later become a romantic relationship too. If that happens before marriage, then there is no doubt that it has a better chance to work. The thing that can cause a disaster is that it starts with the romantic part and the couple don´t wait until they know each other well enough and it all ends in disappointment. (talking of experience) I once learned that the romantic love can affect the brain so that you cannot think clearly. It feels like you have been drinking a little too much champagne. (I think so, but have never tried) A wonderful feeling but doesn´t last long unless it is combined with true friendship. I promised myself a long time ago, that if I start feeling like this

I will wait until I can think clearly (I hope it happens sooner or later

) and while waiting learn to know this person as much as I can. It may take several months or more, but if both have the same strategy, and still are willing to get married after learning to know each other well enough, then OK.. but if both are not interested in going further, then you have always a great friend you know well.. The good thing is that we can have as many friend as we wish..

Last but not least, if both have a deep respect and follow the advice of the founder of marriage, our Creator, and have him as a third part - then it all can turn out to be something really beautiful no matter what they decide to do. I welcome all comments...

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Marja

@buenavida (9985)

• Sweden

26 Jun 10

Why not a school for those who want to be married..?

I found an interesting article about this subject. I know many of my friends have studied articles like this together while they are learning to know each other. http://www.watchtower.org/e/19990215/article_02.htm Maybe it doesn´t help in every case. It takes two to have a good marriage, but no harm in trying the best you can.

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@artistry (4152)

• United States

26 Jun 10

...Hi there buenavida, You make very excellent points. I am of the opinion that many people get married while they are still in that blissful state you talk about and then their brain clears and reality set in and they are not interested in learning to love, not being in love, learning to love their partners. As a result they jump off the train and travel another way. Over 50% of marriages in the U. S. as you probably know fail, is it impatience, perspective problems, too high expectations, disallusionment, the cindrella syndrome or a combination? Whatever it is, I think as you that time should be taken to get to know who you think you are in love with and then take more time to see if the real person is who you really want to share the rest of your life with? Maybe we should have marriages which have an expiration date, it expires and the two decide if they want to renew the contract? Thanks for your great reponse and take care.

1 person likes this

@artistry (4152)

• United States

27 Jun 10

...Hi there, Now that's a great idea. They do have counseling sessions, but actual classes would be excellent in fact that would be an idea for a business. The whole thing would need authenication but it certainly would not go without clients. Most people because of society and other things want to get married. They also say that married people live longer than single people though I am suspicious of that. The wrong partner could drive you to drink and an early grave "o). Anyhow, thanks for the information. Good thoughts. Take care.

1 person likes this

MsTickle

@MsTickle (25180)

• Australia

1 Jul 10

It would not work for me. I want the romantic gestures from time to time. It's my belief the key to a good marriage is communication. That's what is required above all else. It's only when you are able to communicate openly and honestly that a friendship can grow and from that comes trust, respect and loyalty. Some couples may be quite capable of a marriage without romance...that does not mean though that it is a marriage without love.

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MsTickle

@MsTickle (25180)

• Australia

2 Jul 10

Oh arty, you poor little soul - hope you slept well. I forgot to add that bit about friendship. I totally agree that being friends first is the best idea...it's only by knowing someone and knowing them well that good decisions can be made regarding commitment.

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@artistry (4152)

• United States

2 Jul 10

...Hi there MsT, Sorry to take this long getting back to you. Hoepe you are doing well. Everything you said adds up. If you are going to bve someone in a marriage situation you probably would prefer a little romance. Personally since I have an intimacy problem perhaps it would have to be a whole lot of romance "o). But in looking at the divorce situation today I thought perhaps if one starts out as very good friends, takes the chance, gets married then falls heel over heels maybe it would last longer. I don't know. Antyhow, thanks again for your kindness, and thanks for responding. Will answer you later in the day on the pants as I have been up writing all night, going to bed now at 10 minutes to 6. Have a good day and night in Aussie land. Take care.

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@artistry (4152)

• United States

2 Jul 10

....please forgive all typos. Whipped I am.

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alphabeata

@alphabeata (106)

• Philippines

16 Jun 10

Being good friends is already a strong enough foundation, as they say friendship is an essential element when entering marriage, but with the absence of romance which is another essential element, marriage will eventually falter unless both of you consciously make an effort to add that "magic spark" which will make your relationship step into another level.

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