Step-Dad is so rude
By tink91879
@tink91879 (742)
United States
June 15, 2011 8:46am CST
My mom has been married to this guy for about 9 years now. How it lasted this long I have no clue. He dislikes me, always has,always will. I have no clue why. When they married I was moved out, living with my now husband and pregnant with my first in a different state. I have always been respectful to him and his son. He has told my Mom I should be removed from her will and recieve nothing since Im an adult and it should all go to him and his son, who is now an adult. He dosent like my fam visiting and staying in the house. The last time we visited we did a birthday party for my son, planned months in advance and than he decided to do a going away party for his son same day same time. He wanted me to move my party. Invites had already been sent, a cpl months in advance. He ended up doing the party right when my sons would end. He didnt even attend my son party and his son was an hour late for his own party. He is emotionally abusive to my Mom. None of my extended family likes him. He claims to be a christian and will try to put you down by reciting scripture. I told him once, even the devil can recite scripture. We live closer now and were visiting fam this weekend. Im staying at my Grandmas to avoid him. We had a cpl arguments the last time we were visiting. I told my Mom I dont want to be around him. I show him respect, but he is just so rude. MY Mom agrees yet wont leave him and makes excuses for him. I would like to visit family without the stresses he causes. So much more as to what he has done, but would be a novel.
2 people like this
9 responses
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
16 Jun 11
Sadly, some of the blame of this lies with your mom. Did she remove you from her will? I hope not because you being an adult has nothing to do with whether or not you should be named or not. What would he suggest...she leave it to him....because he is an adult also. He is bad but your mom's willingness to put up with him at your expense is just as bad....worse. And let me guess....she treats his son with respect? He is probably emotionally abusing your mother as well. I'd refuse to go over there at all . Missing you might be just what it takes to open your mom's eyes.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
16 Jun 11
My ex (my youngest daughter's father) was very much like that. 3 of my girls are from a previous marriage and he had 2 sons from a previous marriage. We tried being together. I would say his sons were pretty good kids and regardless, I always treated them well and with respect. He, on the other hand, drove my oldest who had just turned 18 out of the house with his constant nitpicking and badgering. I thought it was a personality conflict as I only heard about but did not witness many of their disagreements. They happened while I was at work. But then he started in with my then, 10 yr old and it was clear that he just needed someone to pick on. Mind you...he treated me like a queen. Still, I couldn't ignore my daughter's complaints so I left the house as if I was going to work and came home as if I had forgotten something. I could hear him yelling at her from outside. I caught him squeezing her face to shut her up when she tried to defend herself. I confronted him and he got mean towards me. He once told me that she took the remote garage door opener without permission and lost it. He punished her and expected me to pay for it. She insisted that she never touched it. He accused me of being blind to her ways and a bad mother etc. Hmmm..I found the garage door opener a couple of weeks later...tucked away under t-shirts in his dresser. I up and left and that was it. He does not work and does not help support our daughter. I hope your mom wakes up. I'm sorry you are going thru this.
@tink91879 (742)
• United States
23 Jun 11
Oh my goodness,thats horrible. I dont know how anyone could be so mean. Im glad you elft him and you listened to your child and played it out to catch him in the act. Good for you! Thats what a mother does, she listens to her children and makes sure they are safe. I hope my Mom wakes up, but I doubt it.
@tink91879 (742)
• United States
16 Jun 11
I blame my Mom as well. I feel if he wasnt allowed to treat others this way he wouldnt. He is allowed to. As for the will, no Im in it but he is not. For his son yes she treated him with respect, but he is no good either. He would steal things lie,was lazy and eventually in his last year of high school moved in with his grandparents. This did upset my step-dad, but my mom couldnt take it anymore. My step-dad still feels he has a room there and should have first dibs since his room is now the guest room and my old room is used for a closet. Another story. Im sure he emotionally abuses her. From what I have witnessed thats what I would call it. His father is just as bad and emotionally abuses his wife. So it seems to be the men are never taught how to respect others, but demand it for themselves. Just better for me to stay away, which is what I plan on doing and hopefully this gets it through my Moms head when we dont see her as much or she has to constatnly travel to see us.
@dawnald (85147)
• Shingle Springs, California
15 Jun 11
If your mom agrees, eventually she will leave him, I bet. but she probably has feelings for him, and an idea in her head that isn't quite reality. It will come eventually, she just has to get to the point where she's "done", and nobody but her can decide when that time is.
He sounds like a miserable sob though, hope it's sooner rather than later.
1 person likes this
@hitesh7k (2)
• India
16 Jun 11
Yeah, I Agree with "dawnald". She would have feeling for him, So just talk to her about him in positive manner. she will understands your problems eventually and will try to explain it to him indirectly. That is the only way it's going to work
@tink91879 (742)
• United States
16 Jun 11
I think she still wishes he was the man she had dated for a coupl months before getting married. I told her to not marry him. There was something about him I didnt like, plus she only knew him a few months. I said everyone puts up a front at first, but eventualy it wears off and you just need to wait and see who that person is. Now look at him. So I think she still has hope he will be that fake perosn again, but it wont happen. I wish I could talk about him in a positive manner, but he never shows me anything positive. I do recognize him for his birthday, fathers day, christmas, which is more than what his son does. So I put the effort in, he just always acts like a jerk.
@oscar6 (1938)
• United States
16 Jun 11
Wow I am so sorry that your stepdad is like that. Unfortunatly in life we cant get along with everyone. It seems that he does like you at all. Maybe he is selfish and wants all of your moms attention and money (since he doesnt want you in the will). I am sure that he is probably miserable with his life so I would give him the time of day he is already paying for his horrible ways. Just keep your head up. You cant control his actions but remember you can control yours and its always good to be the better person. Good luck with everything! 
1 person likes this
@tink91879 (742)
• United States
16 Jun 11
No in life there will always be ppl we dont get along with. I have plenty of those, but I still feel I should treat them with respect. Treat them how I would like to be treated and than just avoid them as much as possible to not have any problems. He is very selfish and wants everything for himself. I have wondered if he is miserable. Miserable ppl want others to be miserable too. He puts on a good front, but how would anything think he is happy in his life with how he acts? In controling mine its better for me to not be around the person. I speak my mind when you push the right buttons. I try my best to hold my tongue, but I can only do that for so long. Im hoping with us staying away my Mom sees the problem and addresses it when she dosent see as much or has to put more effort in. She alreayd puts a lot of effort in so this will really wake her up hopefully. I have alreayd explained everything to her.
@OpinionatedLady (5965)
• United States
16 Jun 11
When people marry into a family the often forget that they are marrying the family not just the singular person.
Personally I would just strait out ask him what the problem is and if it can be worked on. I Would do this in front of people who can and will support and respect your effort for your mother. If he is a jerk and or refuses then you can step back and tell you Mom that you tried and have tried for years. That you will always want to see her and be in her company but you will no longer have anything to do with him. I know it is hard but tough love and confrontation are often the way things have to be done. They do not have to be nasty and Jerry Springer like but it does have to be done. Hugs and good luck.@tink91879 (742)
• United States
16 Jun 11
Yes, marry the family. Sometimes its hard to grasp. Some family members you dont have to see or talk to a lot, but children are there. They are apart of the other persons life and you cant just go in and put a strain on that or discount that person as if they are nothing. This man has said before, I like you, we enjoy having you around and maybe we can work on this. Than I try my best and he still does this stuff. He hears Im coming and starts being a jerk and dosent want us there for whatever reason. He acts nice to your face and than he goes and yells at my Mom about something. Hes crazy. So over the years I have tried. I still acknowledge him for holidays and birthdays, he dosent do that for me or my kids. I just feel Im suppose to treat others how I want to be treated, but eventually I dont want to be aorund them and this is what happend. He isnt worth my time.
@iklananda (1202)
•
15 Jun 11
That is the trouble, but if you already mature you can just ignore them and start your own life to make situation calm. And just forget them and live happy
@tink91879 (742)
• United States
15 Jun 11
I feel Im more mature than him. We live our life and are happy. Just makes for a stressful visit if hes around and impossible to do anything when hes around. Just easier to stay away from him.
@edsss17 (4394)
• Philippines
15 Jun 11
Oh.. That's why I hate step-dads and moms. Actually not all of them are that mean, but I just don't like the way it sound.
Your step dad is soooooooooooo mean! Why would he told your mom for you to remove in her will? is it his will? No, its not him so he shouldn't interrupt in it, instead he should just wait if he will receive something on that will..
I hate him the way you describe him, really!
1 person likes this
@tink91879 (742)
• United States
15 Jun 11
Its funny because the man my Mom was married to before I liked. I truthfully dont know why their marriage failed. They were married for a long time, I was in elementary school when they married, 2nd grade maybe and they divorced when I was in 9th grade. He had two children from a previous relationship, both older than me and Im an only child with my mom. My step-Mom is awesome and my Dad and her are still together and they have two children. I know step-parents can be good, just get those rotten apples every once in awhile and he is one. He just wants everything for him and his son, and my Mom has done so much for him in helping him out finacially. My childhood wasnt easy and I earned my inheritance. I know how my Mom is, she has gotten so much better, except for bringing him in her life. Everything I get will go for my children. I hate when he complains about her. I always tell him you know how she is, if you dont like it leave. He just thinks women should bow down to him, wash his clothes, cook his meals, clean, etc. My Mom is an RN and works 12 hour shifts, shes tired when she gets home. I just wish she would throw him out and be done with him.
@OpinionatedLady (5965)
• United States
16 Jun 11
Greed often ruins everything. I would be put off by some one who asked or told me to cut my children out of anything to do with me.
@cheatedaphrodite (810)
• Philippines
15 Jun 11
it is quite obvious that your step dad hates you because he fears something else. He might be afraid that your mom's attention towards him is nothing compared to the attention you are getting from your mom. He sees you as his competitor and if I were you, I would have the courage to let him know that no one in your family likes him. I just hope that your mom would be fair enough to both.
1 person likes this
@tink91879 (742)
• United States
15 Jun 11
I have wondered. Thing is Im hardly around. I lived in WA for their whole marriage pretty much. She would come up twice a year to see me and my kids. We just moved to San Diego so now were 6-8 hours away. I wont be visiting every month, but want to take advantage of being close before we move again. My husband is in the Navy. I feel its good for my kids to have relationships with family members. Im trying to remember if I mentioned if anybody liked him when we had an argument last. He was shocked I didnt step down. I let him know a lot. He demanded I respect him because hes an adult. I told him Im an adult to so respect me. I dont like getting upset like that, but I couldnt take it anymore. Another reason i dont want to be around him. I have told my Mom many times he acts like this because he is allowed and once my grandma passes we have no where to stay when we visit because I will not be around him.
@edb225112 (124)
• United States
15 Jun 11
It sounds like your mother has some issues with her self concept and her need to be controlled. Her husband is that control. You can not change the situation but to suggest your mom get some emotional help. She needs to find to find her own strength to either stand up for herself or get out of this relationship. What the party episode shows is just how far he will go to dominate and alienate your mother from her family.
It is a mistake to argue with this man. In his own mind, he is always right and people who argue with him are evil. I know it takes a lot of control not to do so when your family is involved. When he quotes scripture to you, say something like, 'thank you for your input, I will certainly think about what you have said.' Then change the subject. When he is abusive to your mom, say something like 'I am so sorry you are having such a difficult day.' Then ask mom 'how can I help you.'
Mom believes she can't survive in the world without this man to protect her. Suggest she take a class in something to give her more self-esteem. I would imagine she has always believed she needs a man to survive in the world. Until that belief system changes, this man will continue to be in her life and controlling her.
1 person likes this
@tink91879 (742)
• United States
15 Jun 11
My Mom has low self esteem. She has battled with bi-polar all her life and in the past few years has been put on meds and did some counseling. Still she says she dosent want to be alone or be judged for having a third divorce. I think a divorce is better than being emotionally abused.You are so right on him thinking he is always right. he dosent see his own faults and feels he is better than everyone. My mom has always needed a male in her life. I dont know if some of it comes down to her the fact her father was really never there for her and technically my grandpa still isnt. I know if he had to he put my step-dad in his place by telling him off, but my family is very respectful. We try to respect others, but he is really being a jerk towards everyone. The pastor has even talked to him and he changes for a few days and than goes back to his old ways. I just think he needs to kicked out and shown his faults. Shown he isnt better than others and judging others is wrong. God says do not judge.
@feeltheirie (301)
• Philippines
16 Jun 11
Your situation sounds awaful. You should talk to your mom about your concern. If she cannot leave yur stepdad for some reason, she should talk to him and ask him to be at least be nice to you and your family. He should be considerate if he cannot really be a father figure to you. I know you would want your child to know his/her grandma, and this can only be done if you continue visiting them. But due to your stepdad's attitude this might be hard. Hopefully, everything works out for the best for you and your family.
@tink91879 (742)
• United States
16 Jun 11
I have spoke to my mom many times over the years. Asking her why she is with him. Her response is always I dont know, I dont want to be alone or go through a third divorce and have ppl judge me. I always tell her being alone is better than being with that. She talks to him and he yells at her. Makes her feel guilty. Its horrible. I couldnt live in that situation. You visit, he walks in the room and you automatically just feel the tension. You dont want to be there anymore. My Mom visits us a lot so my kids know her well and enjoy her company. With us living closer I would like to visit more, but he makes that hard. So I do what I can. Stay at my grandmas and my Mom has to go to my Grandmas to see us. Im not wanted in my Moms house by him. He makes it to uncomfortable. I would never put my kids in this situation.
