Eye Contact
By Janey1966
@Janey1966 (24170)
Carlisle, England
November 24, 2011 5:14pm CST
How are you in this area of communication (I suppose you could call it).
In my teenage years I was terrible at the eye contact thing. I was fine with people of my own age or my family but anyone with intense eyes that pierce through you..well, I'd go to pieces, whether they were male OR female.
Our neighbour in Blackpool (Miriam) has intense eyes and when she was younger she didn't have to wear glasses so her eyes were in your face, so to speak. It took me years to look directly into her eyes without having to look away after a few seconds.
I don't really know when the turning point came. I did know that if I didn't look directly at someone's face then it came across as not really being interested in what that person is saying..which isn't the right thing to do at interviews (for example) is it? So, I guess I FORCED myself to look directly into a person's eyes and it worked..I stopped blushing eventually.
It helps going out with a few guys too. Nothing worse than looking at the floor when you're on a date lol.
So, how do you cope with this as I'm sure there are those of you who find it difficult with this eye contact lark.
The only advice I could give is to FORCE yourself to look into a person's eyes when talking to them..but don't make it obvious. Easier said than done but - like I say, it worked for me.
Our neighbour in Blackpool (Miriam) has intense eyes and when she was younger she didn't have to wear glasses so her eyes were in your face, so to speak. It took me years to look directly into her eyes without having to look away after a few seconds.
I don't really know when the turning point came. I did know that if I didn't look directly at someone's face then it came across as not really being interested in what that person is saying..which isn't the right thing to do at interviews (for example) is it? So, I guess I FORCED myself to look directly into a person's eyes and it worked..I stopped blushing eventually.
It helps going out with a few guys too. Nothing worse than looking at the floor when you're on a date lol.
So, how do you cope with this as I'm sure there are those of you who find it difficult with this eye contact lark.
The only advice I could give is to FORCE yourself to look into a person's eyes when talking to them..but don't make it obvious. Easier said than done but - like I say, it worked for me.10 responses
@derek_a (10874)
•
25 Nov 11
This is quite an interesting phenomenon that nearly all people experience. When I used to run my self-development groups, one of the exercises that people started hating was sitting facing each other maintaining eye contact. The exercise would last for about 20-30 minutes or so and no words were to be spoken, just each person bringing their awareness into themselves and how they felt being totally with another person.
It always started out with nervous giggles, then after a while, this would subside, and then at the end of the excercise, people would share their experiences and most would say that they felt that the other person was becoming their own self,and it always works this way if one is prepared to focus the gaze - with no staring, blinking is allowed, but no looking away. It can take anything up to half-an-hour to realize that you are looking at your Self. It is very revealing and empowering, because most of us are terrified of an enounter with our true self, yet this encounter can really boost our confidence no end. 
_Derek
_Derek @Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
25 Nov 11
Wow, that's brilliant Derek, I love it! I know for a fact I'd start giggling to start with. I know some people have an aversion to hugging as well. There's a woman who specialises in it and she was on telly in London a few days ago, hugging anyone who wanted to be hugged. A few subjects were interviewed afterwards and every one of them had large grins on their faces.
I love hugging. It's a brilliant way to calm someone down if they're in a state or for affection. It's so versatile!
I know for a fact I'd start giggling to start with. I know some people have an aversion to hugging as well. There's a woman who specialises in it and she was on telly in London a few days ago, hugging anyone who wanted to be hugged. A few subjects were interviewed afterwards and every one of them had large grins on their faces.
I love hugging. It's a brilliant way to calm someone down if they're in a state or for affection. It's so versatile!@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
25 Nov 11
The best hug I ever gave was to my Dad at my wedding do. Unfortunately, he couldn't attend the wedding itself in Vegas but I was delighted he came along to the do with Mum, etc. He actually went back home after only a few hours but it didn't bother me because I HUGGED him, told him I missed him at my wedding, said I loved him, he said he loved me and it was absolutely brilliant.
Yes, I was a bit drunk but the sentiment was the same. All my in-laws would do was stare and think I was upset (I was crying) but I wasn't upset at all.
I was happy!
Yes, I was a bit drunk but the sentiment was the same. All my in-laws would do was stare and think I was upset (I was crying) but I wasn't upset at all.
I was happy!
@changjiangzhibin89 (16542)
• China
25 Nov 11
It is an interesting subject.When people are younger and have seen little of the world ,they are prone to fear eye contact. With they gaining more and more experience of life,they may grow not to mind that.I agree with you, if you are having a talk with somebody,you ought to look into his or her eyes.This is a kind of courtesy or respect.But then,on other occasions it is rude to look hard at others.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
25 Nov 11
It's difficult to strike a balance between basic eye contact and staring, I agree! It took me a while to sort that one out but I actually think guys are better at the eye contact thing than women, why that is I don't know. Perhaps they are bolder!
@changjiangzhibin89 (16542)
• China
26 Nov 11
Maybe guys are innate boldness,but it shouldn't be lump together.
@margerydaw14 (735)
•
28 Nov 11
I find it very hard to have eye to eye contact. I do wear glasses so sometimes , if the sun's in the right direction, I can hide behind the suns glare, or I wear sunglasses. I am uncomfortable if someone is in my face, so to speak, looking at me intensely. Its just the way I am. 
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
29 Nov 11
Intense stares still make me blush so you're not alone.
@beamer88 (4259)
• Philippines
25 Nov 11
I'm still not that confident about eye contact. I can't seem to distinguish whether I'm already staring at the person I'm speaking with or just an honest eye contact. Your piece of advice is good. That's what I'm doing actually - forcing myself to do it. And to make it easier for me, I look at the color of the person's eyes.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
25 Nov 11
I'm glad you like my bit of advice, thanks very much. It is difficult though, isn't it, to determine how long you should gaze into someone's eyes whilst talking to them. I suppose, once you start doing it, you don't think about it. That's the key. I used to think about it too much and I let it bother me. I agree that looking at the colour of someone's eyes helps tremendously.
@Gram13000 (443)
• United States
25 Nov 11
I used to not look into peoples eyes but lots of friends and family told me that I should always do it. And now I always look into peoples eyes. It is a good thing because it makes it easier to determine if someone is lying or telling the truth just by the look in their eyes. I still loose at staring contest from time to time though lol, I think around 5 seconds of eye contact is cool anymore than that can get a little awkward.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
25 Nov 11
I can certainly identify with everything you say there, my friend. One guy I lived with though was absolutely brilliant at lying. He was a Scorpio with intense, brown eyes that were his best feature but, unfortunately, I could never read them!! He didn't even blush when he lied either, which is usually a sign a person is doing so.
@Dassodils (2010)
• India
25 Nov 11
I like to do that really....My professor taught me this way to mingle with others...We practiced this in our college...Through this way, We can know that if that person is lying to us...I will deeply look in to that person's eyes....If we want some thing strictly from our parents, We can use this way....Then they feel that that's a serious thing...I used this way to gain some thing like Pendrive, calculator etc...But it was really needed for me...My father brought me all these things on the next day...
@stephcjh (38473)
• United States
24 Nov 11
I have always been bad about the eye contact thing and still am. I have been judged way too many times and I am afraid for people to look me in my eyes because I just feel very uncomfortable.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
24 Nov 11
I understand how you feel. What were you judged on..the fact there was no eye contact or something else?
@bingskee (5234)
• Philippines
24 Nov 11
they say that the eyes are the windows to one's soul. i think that is what i try to remember each time i converse or talk to people. i believe, too, that one can gage the honesty or sincerity of a person when you look at them in the eye while talking.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
24 Nov 11
That's very true. I didn't know what I was missing until I thought the same way as you. I was missing out on all those beautiful eyes (and I have seen a few, believe me) so I'm glad I plucked up the courage to do so.
@ebuscat (5935)
• Philippines
25 Nov 11
For me yes it is important in your way of life being so that you have a good listener in your business and communication skills.
@WakeUpKitty (8694)
• Netherlands
24 Nov 11
I think as a kid I had problems with that? But as a (little) kid I also did not like visitors. So if I knew they would come over I tried to hide somewhere.
But at basic school or so I never turned away. I look back in the eyes. Also I think because my parents always said you have to, it's impolite not to look at a person.
Perhaps you learn tricks if you need to do so/are forced to?
Since I grew a lot since that time, always had a strong will and am not the kind of person with less self esteem I have no problems with looking someone in the eyes at all. I can remember me and my younger sister even played that game.. stare in eachother eyes as long as possible.. waiting for one of us to blink or look away.
I think strong people, with lot of confidence but also dominant people and people who love to intimidate you have no problem to look you in the eyes. I also think if you are full of love (like mothers, well not mine) are able too. No matter what happend they are able to make that contact.
I think contact to the soul is by the eyes or by touching a person.
So perhaps it's easier for you to look in the eyes if you think about it as seeing the real person? Have a peep in that soul? If that person allows you to look in the eye, is not blinking away or turning away, you are welcome.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
24 Nov 11
I agree with everything you say there, my friend. I know I was very quiet when I was little. I wasn't unhappy..just didn't talk much so I guess eye contact wasn't that important to me. I did open up a bit in school but teachers were intimidating at times, especially in the 70s! I remember a teacher reading out a composition of mine and EVERYONE in the class looked at me rather than at him. I don't know why he didn't go the whole hog and MAKE ME READ IT lol.
Going out socially was a great help and I found out how expressive eyes can be. It was a real eye-opener (groan)..haha!
Going out socially was a great help and I found out how expressive eyes can be. It was a real eye-opener (groan)..haha!