shifting home - a real dilemma
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
India
April 20, 2007 5:31am CST
OK friends - a little details first. me an only child of parents, who gifted a small furnished flat to their daughter on her marriage 10yrs back. for 10 long yrs the flat is under lock and key as my husband, and me too, were not too keen to shift to a house gifted by my parents. (in India, its usually taken as an insult to the groom's family conditions, if the newly-weds start living in a house given by the bride's family). my in-law's house is small but their own. i have spent all these years with my in-laws as (again as per indian norms) this is my rightful home. however, at the end of this year, my younger brother-in-law is getting married and space would be a real problem. now my parents want me to shift to this flat which is very near to their own, and my husband has also consented, albeit, reluctantly. but i am in a real dilemma. its not that i am having guilty consciences. as the elder daughter-in-law, i have done a lot for my in-laws and they have treated me as very much of part of their own. again, my parents are getting older and they would like to have their only child near them. also my brother-in-law is there to take care of the daily necessities of my in-laws. even me, at 34yrs, would like to have a home exclusively of my own making. then why this long discussion, you will ask? that's the problem. i just can't put my finger onto it, but would it be a nice idea to shift to this flat and then think that i am living in a house given by my parents? like my husband isn't good enough to get his own house or my in-laws house isn't mine anymore!! (indians will understand this psychological crisis better). i am having nightmares...my father-in-law can't ofcourse turn us out of the ancestral house, but what if my parents ever say that this is their flat and we no longer have any right to stay there? can this happen or am i going nuts?
2 people like this
4 responses
@singlepixel (2743)
•
31 Jul 07
hi sudipta.
so, after 4 months of this post, have you moved into your new house/flat?
Hope you did a thorough decision and hope that now you're in a place of your choice.
cheers!
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
1 Aug 07
not yet, but will do so end of October/beginning of Nov (that's when my son will be on vacation, so shifting would be more convenient). thanks.
1 person likes this
@singlepixel (2743)
•
1 Aug 07
well, good luck!
It'll be like, two days the most?
he he he...good luck.
hope everything will go as planned.
@laltu86 (1249)
• India
21 Apr 07
I belive what you are saying , as i am also an indian i know those untold and unwritten rules you described.I guess its just because of the male chauvinisum these rules exsits.I feel you should come to a level ground with your husband and have a free-flowing discussion on this topic , free-flowing because if he keep a negetive attitude before hand then it would be very difficult to come to aneutral solution, if your husband feels that his ego will be hurt if he switches to his father-in-laws gifted house , let him remind himself thats its his father-in-laws daughter he is living with , moreover tell him the problems of space complexities , you have described.But i will also request you to , have a free mind when you two are disscussing , try to understand what he is trying to say also , and you will see there will never be any problem in your life.
Hope to help you in someway or the other..
1 person likes this
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
23 Apr 07
thank you very much for your response. yes, i have had a long discussion with my husband, and as i have said, he is OK with it though not from the bottom of his heart. what my problem is that i can't get rid of the doubts of my own mind. on the one hand i keep on saying to myself that whatever my parents have are mine by inheritence, so i would rather accept the flat while my parents are alive and make them happy. also, since they are becoming aged, they need me to stay closer to them. but that nagging thought at the back of my mind says i am going to stay in my parents house even after marriage, like my husband will become a ghar-jamai! typical indian sentiment i guess, but am i taking a correct decision in shifting to the flat?
2 people like this
@anonymili (3138)
•
28 Jul 07
Being an Indian (albeit born and raised in the UK) I can somewhat understand your feelings of confusion BUT my advice would be to go and live in the flat your parents gave to you. You are their only child and this is 2007 dear. If you were a guy and they gave you a flat, this would not even be an issue. Just forget the nonsense about male and female and think of it as the fact that you are their one and only child and they gave you the flat as a wedding gift and who else would they give it to? If my parents did that for me they would have been very hurt if I did not accept the gift. There are so many people that would be desperate for their own place to live that they would laugh at you feeling confused and as you say your parents are getting older. I am 100% sure it would be extremely good for them to have you living close by. Don't get so hung up about this Indian mentality of girls not having anything - you are their only child - they have no one else to look after them and give them company in their senior years but you and having you close by will make them so happy as well as having their grandchildren to light up their lives. You're not going nuts, you're just thinking too hard! Go enjoy your life in your own home without in-laws around! x
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
1 Aug 07
Thanks for your comprehensive response. You will note that my discussion was posted 4 months back. A lot of water has flowed in these past months, most important of which is the fact that my mom maybe gradually sinking into Alzheimer’s. we are not confirmed till now, but the signs are pretty much there. She wants my son (who’s 8) to stay with her after school and till the time I take him home after my office. So like she would have company from 1pm till 6:30pm after which dad usually comes home. It would also give me a chance to visit her regularlyand look after her needs. This has been a deciding factor and after the Pujas, maybe end October, we would be shifting to the flat near my parents house. Hope everything goes well as planned, if not, I have friends like you to fall back on.
1 person likes this
@anonymili (3138)
•
1 Aug 07
Thanks for the BR on my response Sudipta hun. So very sorry to hear that your mum might have Alzheimers. It's a possibility that many of us have to face that it could happen to our parents. It will be good for her to have your son for company and good for your relationship with her that you will be close by. I hope your mum doesn't have Alzheimers, but if she ends up being diagnosed with it, I wish you all the strength in the world to help her come to terms with it. xx
@touchnshine (2821)
• India
21 Aug 07
Hi anonymili
You have given such a great response to the discussion .. even if suppose I have created this discussion then also you will get a best response .. infact I think anyone will give you a best response for what you have written here. You have given a great advice infact.
@touchnshine (2821)
• India
21 Aug 07
Dear you should follow anonymili advice and by reading your more replies here .. I can understand that you are going to shift in the house gifted by your parents 10 years back .. which is very good. Infact you should have shifted there much before .. but anyways it's still not too late. All the best to you :) ..
It's a great discussion .. I loved reading it and loved to reply to it :)
