help! my IN-LAWS are moving in our house and im UPSET, and HURT....
By cardizon
@cardizon (223)
Philippines
April 20, 2007 8:28am CST
i'm really upset today.
my in-laws are moving in our house for eternity. the bad thing was my husband did not consult me for a final answer. we talked about it a month ago but left it unresolved because i wanted to have time to think about the pros and cons. and now, here he is saying that my in-laws are gonna live with us from this coming Sunday till forever.
im really mad. i feel betrayed. i should have a say in this family.
why i do not agree with the moving in? i do not want culture clashing from here to there. it is definitely a question of power! they have their ways and i have mine. i actually tried living with them for a couple of months and it was a disaster. i couldnt stop thinking about communication barriers. for example i tried countless times to assert the modern medical practices about child rearing and so on, but they would insist on doing their own which are based on superstitions. when it comes to my child's health, no way could superstitions come in the way. and the issues of financial set-up also bothers me because my husband would have to shoulder everything including the education of his sister from high school to college, and everything about the diseases of the parents-in-law.
my point is, he could help. he is not the only child. he has siblings who work but does not give a penny to their parents. and one thing more, he has me as his wife, and he has a child. he has his own family. he should be independent. im not against giving away support. he could support his parents and sister but not house them with me!
Ha! help me. we are cold shoulders for the past days. i still couldnt accept it. what should i do? i was thinking of leaving him coz he mentioned about it during the heat of a discussion. he was like saying, i could go away and he would stay with his family. i take it as if he is choosing his family not us - his family now.
im so hurt.
2 people like this
18 responses
@mrsbrian (1949)
• United States
20 Apr 07
Wow you are in a tuff spot there. i believe i would be upset about this as well. It isnt wrong to help your parents or in-laws but it should have been discused by all in your household as having anyone move into your home with you disruptes every one and everything.
But one the other hand they are his parents and it is his duty to help care for them.I guess the question that you didnt answer was the reason they are moving in with you.
You said you were willing to leave your husband just because his parents need to move in? You are his family also not now ,is he expected to turn his back on his parents just because he is married to you.
2 people like this
@cardizon (223)
• Philippines
20 Apr 07
they are moving in with us because his aunt (this aunt is a dictator, really pressures my husband) shoves him to. accdg to my husband, this aunt constantly tells him that he is FULLY RESPONSIBLE for his family, and that his family should receive a portion of the income.
yes. he is responsible. they are his blood. but there are alternatives right? they could stay in another house, my husband could pay for it, and his other siblings could pay bills,and stuff. we could plan thoroughly. but not, have my husband fully and solely responsible. we have a child. she has a future too. we need to save for her education,health, and others. his family should understand that in the first place.
as for the money thing, yes. my husband gives them an amount, to my knowledge. what more could they ask?
i just want a quiet life with no added power struggles. i think this aunt of him incites this invisible war.
@shorva (923)
• Philippines
20 Apr 07
I suggest that you put your foot down on this and be firm. Your idea of him paying for the place and siblings paying for the utilities is really good. And please, it's nice to help financially, but it's never an obligation of a child to his parents and siblings, NEVER!!! But instead an obligation of a parent to his child and a husband to his wife. I really hope things go well tonight. I wish you well.
1 person likes this
@shorva (923)
• Philippines
20 Apr 07
I'm very sorry to hear that. You and your kid should be his priority now. Of course I know you understand his kindness to help his family, but is there really a necessity to move in to your place? It's not right that the decision should be made only by him. You guys should come up with something agreeable to both of you. There must be some other ways of helping. I suggest try talking to him in calmest possible way, he probably said things that he didn't mean because you guys were mad at each other. We are not talking about few months here men, it's forever! I honestly have not seen a happy home with inlaws living together!!! This must be very difficult for you, but I really wouldn't know why your hubby insist on it, it could be the only solution he could think of now, so I hope you guys get to talk this over and try to understand each other. Both of you should compromise, actually I think him supporting them is already a compromise in your part because you are his family now. You said his got siblings, maybe he should talk to them and help your hubby to help his family. I would've feel the same if I was in your situation. I'm really sorry dear.
@cardizon (223)
• Philippines
20 Apr 07
i made the compromise. i told him, ok, i could endure this for a year. but not forever. a year is enough so that we could find another place for them and plan the finances.
but to my horror, he said he couldnt. i am crying right now just the memory of it. he couldnt because its HIS FAMILY. how about me? how about our daughter? who are we to him?
i actually told him we would talk later. yes. i believe we should calmly patch this up. i hope we come up with somthing agreeable to both sides.
he just seem so different these days...
@cardizon (223)
• Philippines
24 Apr 07
they are here. but before that, we went into a very serious fight. no matter how calm i would argue, he seemed so determined to follow his plans.
i could not take it so one night, i packed my things while he was sleeping. he woke up and tried to stop me. but i said this relationship was just going to ruin me because he won't come up with a compromise that we both would benefit from.
i proposed that his family could live with us for a year - i could endure 1 year but after that, they should find their own place. at first, he was very reluctant. and so i told him, "im ready to go anytime if you are really reluctant of agreeing with this proposal" coz i was really determined to leave. and i think he saw that.
finally he said, one year. but i told him, all the other needed conditions: i still manage the resources meaning i allocate everything that comes in and out of the savings; i will assert 'how things should be done' (esp. child rearing, my god his parents have different views.) accdg to my knowledge - and that, if objections from his family arise, he will mediate and not stand to or against anyone.
my husband thanked me for understanding his situation when i finally agreed. of course i admire his love for his family. but as you said, there are other ways of showing this.
they have been here for two days now. so far, everything is good. i hope it would be. i just want a simple, happy, peaceful family....without the power struggles.
@delenep (212)
• United States
20 Apr 07
ur not going to be able to endure for a year. We are not made to live under the same roofs with our in-laws!! Find a compromise, even if it's putting up a garage apartment so they live separate. Your best bet tho is detached living, even if it's a mile or 2 away. u need ur privacy. He should get together w his siblings and hash this out and b man enuf to say I can't have them live w me, I value my wife and marriage too much, and it will be bad for ur child. Trust me, I know!
1 person likes this
@kathy77 (7486)
• Australia
21 Apr 07
Oh no surely not for eternity, and why didn't your husband consult you about this, what is wrong with your husband saying that his parents are going to live their for eternty and not allowing you to have a proper married life with him. Of course you would have your ideas about things and their would be very different to yours. I do think unfortunately that you are going to have more problems that you are even imaging right now due to your husband really has caused this problem for you and you both have a child together and with their strange beliefs. I feel very sorry for you and do hope some way, some how that things can work out for all concerned.
1 person likes this
@hartnsoul (558)
• Philippines
21 Apr 07
Reading your post, I could almost feel the tears welling up your eyes and the possible explosion in your chest. I would feel betrayed as well if my husband didn't consult me on something as significant as that. Just how selfish can he be?!
If there are kids involved in your marriage I suggest do not let this incident make you move out from YOUR home. After all, its YOURS! When a man and woman unite, its inevitable that they leave their mother and father in the process and cleave to their husband/wife. This is something difficult to understand especially if you are into the morale thing. But really if it is your home we are talking about, you have a say...
For now, the most you could do is pray. Seek His wisdom and try to see things in a different perspective. BUT do not let this issue die without talking to your husband how his decision made you feel. Try to be civil for the moment with your in-laws.
Message me if you just want to air out things :) I'll pray for you as well..
@cardizon (223)
• Philippines
24 Apr 07
ahh. yes. leaving is always a difficult thing to do. i love my husband. but isnt it so hurtful to be deprived of the right to have a say in issues? we are a family now.
i agree. it is so difficult to understand. im so frustrated that my husband could barely see my point. he was half-hearted when he finally agreed that his family would stay for a year. but despite his reluctance, i still gave it a chance. i know it is quite risky esp when i know that he is making a decision he originally dislikes.
good luck to us. thanks so much.
@tdbrower1969 (1242)
• United States
20 Apr 07
Wow, this is a tough situation. Maybe you could discuss with your husband about finding alternate housing for them and have all their children help with the financial responsibilities. I would be as upset as you, too, although my in-laws are both deceased. It is hard to mingle two households into one without someone getting stepped on. Talk to your husband and see if you both can come up with another solution that would work out for all concerned. If it does come down to them living with you guys, I would certainly set down some house rules and stand by them. You are correct, your family and your daughters health and welfare should come first. I hope that your in-laws come to understand that. I hope that it does not come down to your husband choosing his parents over you two, who are now his main family and his main responsibility. My thoughts and prayers will be with you! Good luck and I hope all goes well.
tdbrower1969
1 person likes this
@psyche49f (2502)
• Philippines
21 Apr 07
That's really upsetting! Some husband. . I agree.. you should have a say in the family. You are his family. You said it all. . the potential problems with your in-laws living with you. It could have been better if your own parents stayed with you, not your husband's. Why? Daughter in-laws like you are not always welcome to parents in-laws, especially the mom. I just don't know why, but it seems that mom-in-laws cannot simply mix well with daughter-in-laws. If they have already moved, discuss these matters with your husband. If he insists that they stay, then present to him your options. Of course if worse comes to worst, you can take the bitter option, which is to leave. Sigh. . that's really sad. I am a daughter-in-law myself, but I'm glad my mom-in-law is in far away Hawaii, I don't have to worry about nosey in-laws taking control over domestic matters such as child-rearing and the like. Really, the gap between you and them must be so wide it is not a great idea to mix you with the oldies. You are a family now, and your in-laws should have very little say on matters involving your own little family. Hey dear in-laws, buck off, will you?
1 person likes this
@cardizon (223)
• Philippines
24 Apr 07
i agree. my mom would have been a better companion. but i guess it's because our moms arent finding ways to see bad things against us. we have nothing to prove to our moms. as opposed to the husband's moms, i think they have this complex that they are better than the wife or some sort of competition.
@calvin222 (1606)
• India
21 Apr 07
You are in a very delicate situation. your husband is obviously stuck between the devil and the deep sea. any strong reaction by you could mar your relationship. I would suggest you talk to your husband but without it turning into a fight, and try to explain your point of view and the options as available according to you. if you create a scene it will just get his back up so be very sweet about it, even though you may not feel very sweet. should work just have patience.
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
21 Apr 07
The fact that he tells you that u can leave and he can stay with his parents is scary. That is something that really would make me look over the relationship..
I am so sorry that he didn´t consult you, that is just bad. U are a family and you should definately have a say in things like this. If my bf did this i wuld be so hurt and angry.
Are they really staying forever and what is trhe reason for that?
1 person likes this
@onecutehoneybear (938)
• United States
20 Apr 07
I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this. Its a hard thing to deal with.
You should sit down and talk to your hubby abot this. Its something that needs to be resolved and if you can't find common ground with his answers maybe its better to leave. Some marriages just weren't meant to last.
Good luck with this and let us know the outcome.
1 person likes this
@mumma2004 (38)
•
21 Apr 07
Leaving your husband is not the solution.Just try to talk to him about your fears and the problems you might be face.And try to take a middle path.After all you are his wife and others are his parents.He can't hurt anybody
@glra2222 (492)
• Australia
21 Apr 07
you should tell him how you feel. having inlaws living with you is a really terrible thing. for me, having more than two people in the house (if they were not my own children) would already be very stressful for me and i would think about moving out. If i got married, i would not let my beloved mother move in with me - and she sometimes agrees with this - it is not good for a marriage. In fact - once i graduate from uni and get a full time job i would move out - or at least buy a new house for my mum.
1 person likes this
@rodeotexas (1153)
• United States
23 Apr 07
Sorry that you are going through this. I would sit down with hubby and talk to him about this. Tell him you do not like that he made the ultimate decision without your final answer. Ya'll need to find a common ground especially with his family. It is your house and you can do whatever you want with your children and raise then however you want to.
Good luck with this and keep us updated.
1 person likes this
@tengsheila (60)
• Philippines
20 Apr 07
i understand your situation, minsan na akong nalagay sa kalagayan mo ngaun my friend... tiniis ko nung una pero ang hirap talaga araw araw gulo sa bahay namin, kinalakihan pa ng anak ko ang gulong un...
naputol lang ung ganong sinaryo sa buhay ko ng mamatay ang biyenan ko, ibigay mo lahat sa Dyos hindi mo kayang mag isa yan kahit kausapin mo pa ng paulit ulit ang asawa mo.
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@cardizon (223)
• Philippines
24 Apr 07
the idea of my child seeing me fight with my in-laws and my husband - this is what i totally fear.
i dont want her to grow up in that kind of environment.
i'd rather leave, honestly. if things does not turn out to be the way me and my husband talked about, i'll leave. for good.
@curvychick77 (1084)
• United States
21 Apr 07
First and formost your husband should have let you have a final say in all this, instead he didn't bother to ask you so he did what he wanted. Why do they have to live with you? I don't think you seem very happy, and especially with the family. You mentioned culture clash, well that's even worse. You need to tell them how you feel and if they don't accept it and worse comes to worse, then leave. You don't deserve to be having to go thorough something you have no control over. Speak up! Know this much, in case you do leave, at least you will have spoken up to them. It will make you stronger.
1 person likes this
@mywords18 (645)
• United States
20 Apr 07
hey i knw we all have probs,,,but the winner is who finds their way even in adverse conditions,,,,and there is nuthing in thw orld which cannot be sorrted out yes we do have different culture and way of living but never forget that these are the people who nurtured and brought ur man ur hubby up in to a man whom u can love and look uo to so may be this is ur chnace to show how much u care for them and u can overlook things in return atleast, wat if they wudnt have this in-law attached huh?? and they wud have been ur impossible parents?? how wud u will react then not same rite:) so common stop reactin like a kid and grow up lady!!
@cardizon (223)
• Philippines
24 Apr 07
i proposed compromise solutions to my husband. i told him they could live in another house and we could pay for it while his siblings help pay the bills and other stuff.
i have no intention of forgetting that his parents are his blood. i have parents too.
but my point is, that my husband could help them in other ways. unfortunately, my husband has made a final decision without my consent. he made them stay with us in one house.
and in the first place, his parents are not that old to work and support their daughter who is studying.
i see your point that culture should not be a barrier. but the issue seems to be more than that. my husband making a decision without my consent is one big neglect for me. i understand that there ways of sorting conflicts out that is why i suggested that "we avoid conflict rather than get near the conflict". i tried living with them for some time. that is why im acting this way. i tried negotiating my view with theirs about child rearing but they would not listen to me. one time, my baby's health was sacrificed because they would follow their own ways. one time, they almost made her drink antibiotics for slight cough. (antibiotics is not the first solution). and there are many things more that i kept on trying to correct or negotiate but they would not.
@taurean83 (505)
• United States
21 Apr 07
Dont u have good relationship with your inlaws??in my opinion i dont think its a big issue..u just have to communicate with them abt the probelems u have or the conflicts b.w u guys..nuthing is immpossible..i undrstand it hurts if ur husband didnt ask u b4 takin any final step...but may be things wont b tht worst when u once start living together as u r thinking...!!
@delenep (212)
• United States
20 Apr 07
He values his family more than u? U have a prob there!!!
As for in-laws, to preserve your relationship w them in general (esp when u have a good one), it's best not to live w them or vice versa. U'll just end up hating each other.
You're husband is v wrong in what he did and u dun deserve that. U need to talk this thru. Cold shoulders aren't going to help. Go to a public place w the intention of talking calmly and rationally and then talk, w/o getting upset. Let him know how u feel and if he still won't change his mind, find out why. If u dun liek his reasons and this is a deal breaker, then the next move is urs and u have some difficult decisions to make.
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