Living a nightmare over again
By soccermom
@soccermom (3198)
United States
April 23, 2007 7:51am CST
As most of you already know my daughter was sexually assaulted by my ex husband when she was very young. My husbands cousin is going through the same thing now. She is 12, and has a 4 year old sister that was also assaulted by their stepdad. The mother is a less than desirable character, and when the 12 year old told her what was happening she ignored her and accused her of lying. She went to the school and told a teacher who reported it, and after a DCFS investigation this man was charged. It's a year later now and these poor kids have to testify against their stepdad, the court process is so hard. Anyway, the mother is using the whole situation for sympathy and not seeming to be too concerned about her daughers and their mental well being. I saw the biological father yesterday, who is a great man and he asked me if I would call his ex wife and explain how traumatic this is for her girls, as I have been there before. It seems the mother is "inviting" people to come watch the girls testify, saying that it would be great if there was family support in the courtroom. This is the worst thing she could do, and thankfully everyone she has invited has declined. Does she really think reliving the horror of what happened to them, on the stand in front of total strangers and the man that did them won't be traumatic enough? Why on earth would she think these girls, especially the 12 year old would want the whole family listening to the shame this man put them through? When my daughter and i had to testify the only people I wanted their was my mom and our child protection advocate. This is a shameful thing for a child. I called her, and tried to explain this to her, and she says if we don't go it just proves no one cares about her and her kids. Everyone in the family would do ANYTHING for these kids, we just don't think having an audience would be in their best interests. I want to just smack this selfish, attenetion seeking woman. Should I call her again and try to explain it to her? She's obviously not listening to me, the child advocate or anybody else.
9 people like this
16 responses
@dedicated_28 (1383)
• United States
23 Apr 07
I'm so sorry for your situation. I would continue trying to explain to the mother, this is traumatic enough without an audience. I was in the same situation, my grandfather molested me as a child. I couldn't face him in court, I was only 12 when I told my mother what happened and of course she got mad at me and didn't beleive me after all this was her father. I then went to my aunt and she beleived me, because apparently he attempted to sexually assault her as a child as well. In the end it was made known there were actually 5 members of my family that suffered at the hands of this man. If only the first had the courage to stop it then. In the end my aunt who had a little bit of infuence over my mother made her see the light. I was able to testify by satellite which was better than actually being in the courtroom with him and everyone else, it was less intimidating. maybe see if they offer this in your area..if after you talk to her and she still doesn't come around, if there's anyone else that you know that might have some influence over her, this may be the way. I hope your daughter is okay now, I know she'll never fully recover but confronting her attacker hopefully gave her some peace. Good luck with your situation. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers. Have a blessed day.
3 people like this
@soccermom (3198)
• United States
23 Apr 07
Good for you for speaking up and hopefully putting an end to that circle of abuse! That's why I think it is so important to let our children know they can tell somebody, and be heard. Our county doesn't offer satellite in these situations, which would really be a good idea.
2 people like this
@sapphiresage (431)
• United States
24 Apr 07
Has anyone stopped and asked the 12 year old who is testifying what she wants?
It sounds like the adults in the situation are having a tug of war over what they think should be done, but when talking about what she would find supportive, why not ask her?
Maybe there are one or two people close to her that she would like to have there, if they are a source of strength and encouragement to her. But if no one asks, no one will know. 12 years old is well old enough for her to know what will make her comfortable in this situation.
Never forget she is a person, too.
3 people like this
@soccermom (3198)
• United States
24 Apr 07
It is my understanding from what she has talked about to my daughter that if she had it her way she wouldn't have to testify at all. Unfortunately since her half sister is so young she has to be the voice for both of them. She doesn't want the whole family there, and I don't think anyone will be going, we all understand what type of person her mother is, and her mother has clearly forgotten that her child is a person too.
1 person likes this
@Stiletto (4579)
•
23 Apr 07
You could try calling her again but to be honest I doubt it would make much difference. She sounds pretty stupid and insensitive anyway so it's unlikely that anything you could say would change her mind. Poor kids though having to go through all that and having such an irresponsible mother to rely on.
3 people like this
@mnflower (1299)
• United States
23 Apr 07
I am so sorry for what you are going through I know that this is a horrible thing to be going through, I was in the same situation with my stepfather and I can say it scars you for life. I have found a way to get through it but it took me alot of years of counseling for I felt it was my own fault but at 11 how can something that dramatic be my fault. My mother is still married to the man and it makes it even harder but I have learned to forgive but will never forget,I have stood up to this man and told him exactly how I feel and what he has done to me will never be forgotten and he knows what will happen if he does anything out of line, he has gone through counseling and recently spent some time in jail, but it never seems enough.This is very tramatic on a child and it is not good to have it exposed throughout the entire family..This woman really needs to think of her daughter and not the publicity and attention she can get.
3 people like this
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
23 Apr 07
I am so sorry for this situation. The children shouldn't have to be subjected to having their mother turn this into a circus for her benefit. I can't believe this! It is a shame that this woman is so self absorbed that she can't see how adding more people to the audience will make the kids more nervous and scared, not to mention upset! It is bad enough that the kids have to face their abuser. I refuse to use the word stepfather because no father in their right mind would do this to their children. I agree this woman is quite unsavory and obviously not fit to be a parent. If I were their biological father I would seek full custody. She is obviously using these kids for her own benefit...mostly to get attention. Personally, I would try to explain one more time for the benefit of the kids, but if she isn't listening, most likely it will be a moot point. My husbands ex wife is very much like this. She listens to no one. Her concern should be in the childrens best interest not hers! I wish you much luck and I am so sorry to hear about the kids being in such a situation.
3 people like this
@KissThis (3003)
• United States
23 Apr 07
I am so sorry that any of you must relive or even having to be through this for the first time. Personally i don't think that you can get through to the mother. I would ask the children what they would like for me to do. I think that their mother isn't considering who the victims are or what the would want. You would show the girls how much you care by asking them what the would want. Because the Mother isn't being supportive to the girls they might be able to look upon you as support.
I was molested as a child by a family member. I never told my mom because of how ashamed I was. When I finally did tell others what had happened to me my mother did stand behind me as well as one of my sisters. But I did have a sister that called me a liar. It helped for me to have more then one person supporting me. I think that these girls could benefit from having you stand behind them then to have their mother.
Ask the girls what they would want. Its their opinion that matters.
2 people like this
@soccermom (3198)
• United States
23 Apr 07
I meant to say 4 year old, sorry, I was thinking about how old my dughter was when it happened to her.
2 people like this
@Lakota12 (42600)
• United States
23 Apr 07
What an unfeeeling mom well ya cant call her mom must be mother***************.
This is unreall that she would think they would want the whole family there I feel so bad for these girls to have to go thru it just am glad the 12 year old reported it to someone who would listen. I hope reall dad has them now.
Dont know if it would do any good to call her again bubt it might not hurt to try again.
2 people like this
@whiteheather39 (24403)
• United States
23 Apr 07
Goodness, I am sorry she didn't listen to you I wonder if the mother has a case of using this terrible experience her daughter had, inviting so many others to witness just how terribly it affected the child only to draw attention to herself (the mother) and what a good mother she is?
2 people like this
@bethmt (419)
• United States
23 Apr 07
You could call her and try to explain how harmful this would be for her girls but honestly I'm not sure if she'd listen. Judging from her behavior she sounds like an incredibly selfish person and seems to be milking the situation so that she herself can get sympathy. I'm wondering if there's anyway the judge could step in and say that only certain people can be present?
It's too bad that those girls can't be with their biological father, their mother just sounds a nut. And to think she didn't even believe her daughter...all I can say is thank God that the teacher stepped in and helped.
2 people like this
@retardedrugrat (4791)
• Canada
23 Apr 07
I'm so sorry about this sad situation.
If this woman didn't listen before and she's not listening to anyone else, why would she listen if you called her again?
The only thing I can think is that maybe there is some way to get a message to the rest of the family to ask them please not to go. As you said though, thankfully, nobody has accepted her invitation yet and I think most people may well be aware of what she's trying to do.
Hopefully someone can get through to her. I'm just not sure it's going to be worth calling her up again. If she doesn't want to listen, she won't no matter what.
2 people like this
@bettyrose20 (997)
• Philippines
24 Apr 07
What a shameless mother that is, she didnt even think about the welfare of her children. If thats the case, she doesnt have any right to call that child her daughter because she doesnt even show real and genuine affection, care and love to the one she risked her life with. Is there any chance that these children be moved away from her? she isnt a good example and she's making the life of her children traumatic and miserable.
2 people like this
@charlestchan (1415)
• Malaysia
23 Apr 07
wow.. i've read your stories.. and i do feel sorry for your daughter.. it's true.. i don't understand why some people just love to hummiliate girls by asking them to testify towards someone that actually disturbed their life before....it's not a very great thing to tell people how your stepdad been treating you.. how he actually do those bad things to you.. i think everyone is embarassed to tell the truth if they're in the same shoes.. do you agree with me? what people don't understand is that they miss out the point that the child might suffer from psychological problems later on..
2 people like this
@student7 (1002)
• United States
24 Apr 07
Well I think it is very selfish of her to use her girls for her own personal gain. First of all I think that she should lose custody of these girls for not taking the necessary action when they came and told her. I think that she is trying to look like the poor mother when all she did to the girls when this was happening was to call them a liar. That there is child neglect and would warrant them being sent to live with their father.
I would talk to the prosecuting attorney and ask if the girls could testify on closed circuit television or something else. It would be traumatic for them to face the jerk (I am only using this term because what I want to say is not nice) again. I had this happen to me and I did not have to testify. It was my biological father and my stepmother called me a liar to my face on several occasions. I would not call her, instead call child welfare services and have them removed from her home and take them to their dads. I would explain to child welfare services that the girls went to the mother about this and she just called them a liar and did nothing until the girls went to school and talked to a teacher about this. She does not deserve to have those girls. She is too pig headed to listen.
2 people like this
@david2005 (798)
• Canada
7 Feb 08
Don't even bother to call her again about because she isn't going to listen to a word you say. She already has it in her mind what she thinks and thats it. It is a very sick crime and I hope that he goes to jail for a very long time.
1 person likes this
@cloud_kicker_32 (4635)
• United States
24 Apr 07
OMG! that is so aweful!! I am soo sorry for those children..i dont understand,,isit that more and more child molesters are coming out and about..thank you part of skimpy clothing factory..or have they always been around and it was just too hush hush? because i am getiing sicker and sicker the more i hear about all these molesters! My neice was molested by a 12 year old boy..the kid of my siisters boyfriend..andywho..he really did the works for her..and they went to court..and there was only so many people allowed for support but we werent aloud in the court room..we were in a room beside it..and the kid just got probation for 2 yrs..she is 8 now..and still in need of therepy,she is afraid of boys age 12 and up..she hides..its really sad..i think they should be paying for it..and pain and suffering..something..he just should have got more..i know he was 12..but he knew what he was doing was wrong..so i will keep prayers out to all yas..and i wish u the best of luck!
1 person likes this
@tinamwhite (3252)
• United States
24 Apr 07
Soccermom,
I am so sorry that you are having to go through this again....it seems this type of abuse invades too many people..
These poor girls, I am unable to comprehend how a woman could justify this behavior......I really do not think that she will listen to you, but I would probably try again.....I would also try to discuss this with anybody else that you think might be able to "get through" to her.
Are you still able to see and interact with the girls...if so, you must let them know that you are there for support...of course, I know that if possible you have already done this..
The thought of having "family" sitting in the courtroom, listening to the testimony that this young girl will have to give...is perposterous.....this will have lasting effects on her, no matter how gently they question her on the stand.....I am thankful that the family has all declined the "mother's" invitation. Wonder if she would be so anxious to have everyone there if it were her having to go through this.
These girls do indeed need to be removed from her home...she is not fit to be a "mother"....these girls deserve better.
Please be strong, I know you don't always think so, right now, but you can handle this.....it will be difficult....but you are a strong woman....You and your family are now and will continue to be in my prayers, my friend.......
Possibly a discussion with the child advocate could do some good....maybe they can petition the judge to limit the amount of people in the courtroom when the girls are testifying or at their young age, maybe they could talk in his chambers instead of in open forum.....
Blessed be!
