I am at a loss and I need your help, please.
By Katlady2
@Katlady2 (9904)
United States
April 30, 2007 2:53pm CST
This is something that I have been thinking about for months, and I am at my wits end. I will start by saying that I am a whole different generation than my brother and sister. My brother is 20 years older than I am, and my sister is 18 years older. The relationship between me and my brother is awesome. He is a wonderful big brother. As for my sister, well.......this is where my problem lies. Before our mom passed away 25 years ago, things were great between us. We would get together and go do things like picnics, go to amusement parks and other stuff. After our mom died, she became a bit standoffish, even going so far as to snub the whole family for a long long time. But it started to get better after a few years. Then, 11 years after mom, our dad passed away. Ever since then, my sister has maintained a close relationship with our brother. But it's like she doesn't know I exist. I feel like she would be happier if she DIDN'T have a sister. The only time we would see each other was at graduations or weddings. And we would talk then, but that was all. Over the last year, I have called her, written her, and emailed her. She lives over 3 hours away, so I can't just pop over to her home and say hi. But she either never returns my calls (she has an answering machine) or tells her daughters or granddaughter to tell me that she's too busy to come to the phone. And she never writes or emails me anymore either. I've told our brother about it and he has tried to talk to her, but he said she just shrugs it off and walks away. This is hurting me so badly, but I don't know what else to do. Should I send her a letter telling her to just go ahead and keep acting like she doesn't have a sister? Should I just ignore her like she does me? Please help me figure this out. If any of you have some good suggestions as to how I should handle this situation, I would very much appreciate it. Thanks to everyone in advance.
5 people like this
21 responses
@Abbyey (760)
• Philippines
30 Apr 07
As i can see this in my point of view, there is a big gap between you and your sister, it is indeed sad not knowing WHY she is acting this way. I think one of the way is to TALK to her one on one because without a confrontation this will never end and you will always have this gap between you and your sister. Why dont you try to talk to her first with your brother along since she wont have a date with you, you can ask your brother to set up the date. Then when she's there, ask her WHY dont she talk to you, why is she pushing you away, Have you done anything to offend her which you are not aware of, What can you do to be able to bond with her.... try to get to the ROOT of the situation. Because somewhere out there there is a ROOT Cause which you may not know of but your sister does. Maybe it is just a Misunderstanding, i know its been years but i always believe that "ITS never TOO LATE!" as long as there is LIFE itself, there is a posibility for a CHANGE... "A CHANGE OF HEART", which i hope and pray you two can achieve. It may take days, weeks, months even years but never give up. i know you LOVE your sister, let the LOVE in you for her remain no matter if she ignores you, bec when the ROOT is discovered then thats the time it can be fixed. :P
3 people like this
@PunkyMcPunk (1477)
• Canada
30 Apr 07
Well what to do? hmmmm, you suggested a really great idea sort of yourself. I would write her a letter. I would ask her if you had done something to slight her or offend her. I wouldn't apologize because you really might not have done anything to her. Don't get angry or be angry in the letter but why not reminise a little. Tell her you used to enjoy going to the amusement parks or shopping or whatever it was that you did. Bring up some happy memories that you both shared. Tell her you miss the good times and wonder if you can get those back again. You might even suggest that you her and your brother have a mini family reunion with all of the kids (or without them) and catch up.
Maybe this heartfelt letter will make her think back to the laughter and smiles you two shared and erase the feelings that she has now or maybe it will give her pause and make her think about why she is acting this way towards you. I wouldn't be accusatory nor try to make her feel bad.
With a letter it is very passive. She doesn't need to reply or if she does she will be more apt to tell you exactly what she feels and thinks or what happened anyway. Or she might reply and say, "yes I do miss those times, let's get together, or do you remember the time when...." or she might call you. Or you may receive a letter saying "I was very upset because...." and then at least you will have the lines of communication open. Either way, best of luck!
@Katlady2 (9904)
• United States
30 Apr 07
Thank you so much hon. Although I have written letters like that in the past, I am debating as to whether to try it one more time. I always think that even though she has never answered the previous letters, maybe she'll answer the next one. Thanks again.
2 people like this
@PunkyMcPunk (1477)
• Canada
30 Apr 07
I am truly sorry, I didn't realize that you had already tried the letter writing. You might try what this other poster had suggested and have your brother make a date and be there with him. Although she may think that you and her brother are ganging up on her. I truly do not know what to suggest. Obviously she is upset by something that happened at some time. I know when my grandmother passed away my aunts and uncles and mom started bickering because he got more than she but she got something he wanted but he got this sentimental thingy or that thingy etc... and now my family hardly talks. I don't know what to say. My family (my immediate family) have always just been too busy to try to bond or have that Leave it to Beaver feel to it and I am saddened when i think that there are people out there that know my brothers and sister way more than I myself do. But at least I know the reasoning behind us being so distant.
2 people like this
@jbones32103 (717)
• United States
1 May 07
Hi. Everyone can tell you what to do or give advice, but this could be a test. Listen to your heart and ask God what does He want you to do. Sometimes he puts things in our life to see if we will respond to Him about it. I know from experience. My older brother hasn't even met his nephew yet. I haven't seen him in about ten years now. It's a long story, but he didn't feel like he needed me in his life on the count of I never done anything he wanted me to do. It hurt not being able to see him, but God and I grew closer. Now I tell God when He's ready, I'm ready. I'll pray hard for you to be guided to ease your pain. I can tell it really is bothering you. I'm sorry for that, but stand strong, ok. It's her loss not knowing how loving and caring you seem to be, remember that.
@Katlady2 (9904)
• United States
1 May 07
God is the one that is getting me through this (along with good friends such as yourself here on Mylot). I know He will give me the strength I need to do whatever it is that needs to be done. I'm sorry the same thing is happening in your family. Thank you so much for your advice and your prayers. I will keep you in my prayers as well hon.
@mel_87 (856)
•
2 May 07
ok you have done all these things to try to see whats going on but she is still ignoring you. i would personially just leave it now and let her come crawling back to me because one day she will realise that family are important to have around and you only get one chance in life.
xx
@shivanm (211)
• Trinidad And Tobago
3 May 07
While I could understand the anger and hurt this situation may cause you, I will never recommend not talking to her if she eventually comes around. Similarly I don't think that you should wit until she comes crawling back to you! Maybe when the time is right, she will open up or she might see how much you really care and try to fix things. It's true she might come crawling back but never make her feel that way!!!
2 people like this
@blackbriar (9076)
• United States
1 May 07
So sorry to hear about your sis snubbing you like she is. It could be an age gap thing but in your case, maybe not. Something happened from the time your mom passed away to present, which is pretty obvious. Like several of the other posters mentioned. Have your bro set up a lunch date or something and you show up after your sis does. Then during conversation, tell her how what she is doing to you is affecting you. Ask her why she is being distant toward you when now is the time for you 2 to really be close now that both parents are gone. Something similar happened to a former friend of mine back in high school. Thats when we met and soon after, her mom passed away while on a waiting list for a kidney. Didn't happen right away but over a period of years. She started acting like a stuck-up snob who thinks noone is better than her. She did get real close to her brother who was a few years younger than her.....tooooo close, if you know what I mean. I mentioned it to her one day in a gentle manner how I'm hearing alot of ppl talking about them and that I didn't think it was healthy the relationship she shared with her brother. They even slept in the same bed in her dad's home. She went off on me totally and thats when our friendship ended. She did, however, snub her other brothers and sister. All that mattered to her was her younger brother. I hope and pray that things do work out between you and your sis because one day, something will happen and it will be too late.
2 people like this
@lovy123 (53)
• India
1 May 07
hi,
i'll must say that u have tried a lot to save ur relationship, but at the same time don't loose ur heart as sometime it happens that ur loved one create a gap from us. butit doesn't mean that we leave that relation. always stay in touch with ur sister by any mode u like- mail her on different occasions, send greetings n flowers on anniversary, etc, etc
Don't forget : out of sight means out of mind
keep sending her greetings regularly, & thensuddenly stop it for a while to see her response. try this as it will show how much affection she have 4 u
@shivanm (211)
• Trinidad And Tobago
2 May 07
This can be very hurtful and maybe you wonder if you did anything wrong. Maybe you didn't and it's all her or maybe you did or said something that you meant innocently and she took the wrong way. But all that being said, she is your flesh and blood and I think that one way or the other, you need to find out what the issue is. There are alot of suggestions mentioned before that kinda took my ideas. But I agree that a meeting with her and your brother being there is the way to go. Tell her how you feel about the situation and that you miss her and you would like to help fix whatever it is that's keeping her away from you. Be calm and at no point be angry or pointing blame. If you could put down a cry it would help (just kidding!). Let her know that whether the issue can be fixed or not (although I think anything can be fixed) you need to know what it is because it's not fair that you should be left in the dark for something that is bothering you so much.
But honestly if she doesn't come around after that, I really don't know what to do! Sorry. Maybe you can consider professional help.
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
1 May 07
First of all Kat I do nut understand how and why she is like this
I mean I would have thought it brought you closer
Ok my Advise to you is
You have done everything in your Power Sweetie to find out what is going on and to try and make amends it has not worked
So I would now leave it there is nothing more you can do unless you take the drive one Day to see her and confront her to her Face
I am so sorry this is happening to you
I love you Sweetie and I really hope that one Day this will be sorted
@Katlady2 (9904)
• United States
1 May 07
Thank you so much my dear friend. Maybe one of these days I will go visit her and talk to her about it. Unfortunately, the first hurdle to that will be getting a hold of her, since I'm not too keen on driving 3 hours one way to find out that she's not around. I love you too hon.
1 person likes this
@RobinJ (2501)
• Canada
1 May 07
This is so sad, I agree I would be tempted to write to her and ask her what the problem is, and what will it take to solve it, There is no person in this world that can do with one less friend or family. While you sister may never become a good chum, she can at very minimum acknowledge you and your existence. It truly sounds like she doesn't know you and isn't even interested in getting to know you. I have a brother like that he was raised by my birth mother and I was raised by my dad. I never met Kenny until I was at least 34, and while he is a bit of an odd duck I do keep in touch and try to keep him and his family in the loop. but I know if it weren't for his wife I would never hear from him, Our family's are so scattered and separated you would think it would be a joy to share old times and memories. But we can't make any one change, only we can keep them in our hearts and heads if not in person.
1 person likes this
@wifeofharvey (1156)
• United States
2 May 07
This may be hard to take but you can't force a relationship with your sister. You can tell her plainly that you would like things to be different, to be closer, but it the end if she doesn't want it nothing is going to change for the better, and it might even get worse.
1 person likes this
@finethings101265 (64)
• Philippines
1 May 07
I do have similar probelme with you with regrds to my 2 sisters since they migrated to other country and already earn a living they almost forgot about me. they communicated very rare and when they do, they always brag their accomplishement and always criticize us. since, we have similar problem, my advice is that you frenkly tell your sister if she has any problem with you becuase you notice that it seems she doesnt care at all. if she said she had some probelme with you, do the next move by telling her your sorry and that you will change. but if she doesnt said anything, well, the ball is in her court. so there is nothing you can do anyways, it is she who is already at fault
@samanthapayne (52)
• Canada
1 May 07
You either need to suck it up and call her or grow up and call her if that does not work try writing her a letter if she does not want to talk to you now eventually she will come around......
if she does not that is her loss you obviously care immsely for this woman and this family you feel you have lost embrace what you have now and the rest will hopefully fall into place and if it doesnt ...at least you can say you tried which is more than she can say.... be proud hold your head up high and smile my dear you only live once embrace what you have now i cannot stress this enough..........good luck to you
1 person likes this
@jc_star10 (953)
• Indonesia
1 May 07
There's a lot of differences of age between you two. She maybe felt something that you don't felt. And she like to blame you for it. I think the best thing to do, is showing yourself in front of her. In that way, she has nowhere to hide or avoid you. Although it's 3 hours away from your home, but it worth to try. If your visit able to end your confusion and the hatred that your sister put you in, then I htink it worth it. If still that's not enough, you can asked for your brother to come with you. So, it will sound like you and your brother just stop by and seeing a relative. Of course, she will greet your brother only, but if your brother able to corporate with you and put some family discussions, she will have nowhere to go. It might be some fighting or quarell, but if that will make problems solved, don't you think it's better that way ? Than you just kept on confused and wondered why ?
@mama4kids (690)
• United States
1 May 07
i understand your situation. I am 33 yrs old and i have an 18 yr old brother and a 20 yr old sister from my father and step mother. i hadnt seen them in 10 yrs, since they were 8 and 9 yrs old. i just got in touch with them this past feb. it was great in the beginning. they were so excited to see me and meet my kids and husband but now that excitement has dwindled, on their end anyways. me and my kids would love to have them around all the time but i dont think that the feeling is mutual because of their witch of a mother. it is a long story but to sum it up, our father killed himself on their mothers birthday because he caught her cheating on him. she is mental, big time. so the lies are all around where she is concerned. anyways..i think you should do what i did. put it all out there. tell your sister exactly how you feel. ask her what the problem is. tell her you wont put up with it anymore and will just walk away if she wont tell you the problem and fix it. i did that with my bro and sis basically. their mother was lying to them about me all along and it was a very hard situation. do you think maybe someone is telling her to act this way for one reason or another? usually, there is someone else involved feeding things into the mind of this person that is avoiding you. i wish you well and hope it all works out for you. keep you head high!!
1 person likes this
@Katlady2 (9904)
• United States
1 May 07
Oh wow! That sounds awful to have to deal with. I'm sorry you have to go through that. I honestly wish I knew what was really going on with my sister. I don't know if there's anyone that's pitting her against me or not. I'll find out eventually, though. I think a face to face meeting is probably the best bet. One of these days....one of these days. LOL. Thank you so much for sharing with me and for your wonderful advice.
@sweetdesign (5142)
• United States
1 May 07
I am so sorry that she is treating to you in this manner. I know how much this must be hurting you especially since you have lost both your parents.
I am the youngest in our family also. There is 10 years difference between my oldest brother and I (he passed when I was in the 4th grade in a car wreck) and 8 years between me and my next to oldest brother. I have never gotten along very well with my living brother. He seems to never have gotten over me taking his place as the baby. This is what is called middle child syndrome. He tried numerous times to get rid of me when I was younger lol. he can't stand that I tend to be closer to our parents and tht mom and I share a home together. He is jealous easily and angers easily. he will not let go of a supposed slighting he has recieved because of me being born. he feels I was "born with a silver spoon in my mouth" which is so not true. We tolerate each other now.
Your sister may have a touch of middle child syndrome. She may feel that you robbed her of her parents love (which is not true but middle children think differently than the oldest and youngest do). Keep trying to reach out to her but do not allow her to hurt you. My prayers are with you.
1 person likes this
@Katlady2 (9904)
• United States
1 May 07
Thank you so much for your kindness and support. This might sound silly, but I never really thought of it as my sister being the middle child until you mentioned that. I think it's because of the whole age thing. You could be right. That could be some of the problem. I really appreciate you pointing that out. Thanks again hon, and thankyou for the prayers.
@ElicBxn (63643)
• United States
1 May 07
Its hard to try & be close to someone that is being emotionally detached. Rather than trying to be friendly with her, why not try & get friendly with your neices & great neices/nephews. After all, they are probably closer to your age anyway & see if you can't connect with that part of your family that way. There could some history you aren't aware of. For example, she might've been accused of having you & your mother taking you, that made her resent you. I know of a case where a lady was walking with her older daughter (18) & pushing her younger one in a stroller. Someone came up to her & thought she was pushing her granddaughter - well, she's one of those looking to be offended, so she got offended, but if there's that mucha aged difference, it could've happened. And if she ever needs you, maybe she'll come back, meanwhile, enjoy your brother & see if he'll help you make friends with the younger generation.
1 person likes this
@Katlady2 (9904)
• United States
1 May 07
Thank you so much hon. Actually, I am a lot closer with my nieces and nephews. One of them only lives about 45 minutes away from me. I don't get to see the rest too often, because they live close to my sister. The scene you mentioned about the mother walking with both of her daughters actually did happen to my mom when I was a baby. From what I've been told, my mom just laughed it off and so did my sis. Yeah, I do enjoy my brother and his family. They are awesome. Maybe one day, this will all work out. Thanks again.
@navtech (1773)
• India
1 May 07
What is happening to you has happened to many people. My cousin brother and I were very close to each till school days. He went to study engineering and I went to study commerce. After joining collage, our relationship started declining slowly. After 4 years we had no communication neither personally nor through telephone or letter. It is now more than 25 years we are not even talking term. We had no quarrel or misunderstanding of any sort. I tried many times to bridge the gap between us but failed. Ultimately I decided not to talk to him and keep any communication. When the opposite party refuse to recognize your love there is no point thinking about it. We have to live, let us live. Time will change everything. I do know one day he will come to me and apolozie his behaviour.
1 person likes this
@ashar123 (2357)
• India
1 May 07
Your sister is busy in her own family as ur mom and dad were also busy in their family when u, ur brother and ur sister were young. the same thoughts u r thinking today must be the thoughts of ur uncle and aunts in past.... u must not ignore ur sister as u must try calling them over, going at her place or arrange a get together party if its possible. in long time run when u"ll get married and when u"ll have ur own family then everything will be fine
1 person likes this
@Katlady2 (9904)
• United States
1 May 07
I have been married with children for many years now, and I still make time for my brother and sister. I wish it was as easy as calling or going to visit my sis. But how can I do any of those things if I can't get in touch with her? Thank you so much for your good advice. Maybe one of these days what you have suggested will happen. I hope so.
@pinky1030 (3)
• Kenya
1 May 07
I think your parents made you and your sister to be close now that they are gone she doesn't seem to recognize you may be because your company and interests are different from hers or else I don't know. Any way did youhave any fight between yourselves? if not then try as much as possible to live your own life and ignore what is happening between you and your sister, remember your future lies on your hands.
I had the same problem with my parents but I still live although we don't seem to be in good terms
1 person likes this
@kumar27 (129)
• India
1 May 07
this is a synonimous situatinon based on the present days materilistic social environment where psychology of elder sister who is having lots of commitment towards her family can not share proper love to her younger sister coz she is psychologically already encounterred with the rude side of materialistic world.
u do not get upset instead try to make friendship with u and play with children.one day all will be cleare
1 person likes this
