After surviving an abusive mom I have had to take on caregiver activities.....

I dread the moment this might happen to me. My family has been really abusive to me my whole life, and I can't imagine taking care of any of them. I have moved a very long way away now, so I'm not really there to see what they need or anything at the moment, but I dread getting the call for help from any of my family members. I have spent years trying to deal with the abuse I suffered as a child, both from family members and from others, and just when I get to the point where I think I can cope I'll get a letter or a call from them and be a mess again. Just a few moments ago my husband told me my mother plans to visit for a weekend again, and I'm already worrying about it. So I definitely can't imagine months or years of being a caretaker for her. I think you really should get your therapy for one thing! And in the case of your extended family and the caregivers, I would tell them flat out why you don't want to take care of her, and that you are being gracious enough by just paying her way.

I started to answer this straight from my email and then decided to go and read what others had posted before I wrote anything. You are in a crappy situation but one that you don't have to be in and the best part about that is that you already recognize that you don't have to be in it! You know what the administrators of the home she is in are doing to you! You probably even have them on your caller ID! Now, what is the next step? Do you just not answer? No....there actually might be something wrong that as the surviving (what a dual play on that word) relative you would really have to deal with. So, you answer the phone. If there is an emergency, you respond. If there is not, you grab your gonads (yes, women have gonads! and mighty big strong ones!) and ask (no TELL) them not to bother you again unless it is an emergency. I know that you can do this AP. Read the last couple of lines of your discussion. I understand what you are saying; but look at the anger you unleashed on people that may have honestly wanted to share with you regardless of their religious views. You know that I am also pagan; but there are many great Christians, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, etc. that take part here. Your anger was purely misdirected. I don't mean to sound strict or stern and I am certainly not being critical. Please know that I am loving you and trying to support you the way that I know how to. I am wishing for you to recognize you are dealing with grief right now. Grief over a lost family, grief over a lost childhood, grief over a lost innocence. All of this grief has to be dealt with and your anger is only a part of dealing with it. It is a good thing and it is a natural thing. You need to feel to heal. Yes, I have dealt with these situations before both in my personal and my professional life. I am wondering also if you can't look into having her financial and legal matters turned over to the home where she is living and simply abdicate the burden altogether. If this is something that you would feel no guilt about (and if she is someone who inflicted pain on you, there is absolutely no reason you should feel guilt), this seems to be the best way to go. It is an option that you should be able to discuss with the social worker at the home. Please know AP, that there are a lot of people here for you. You are but a keystroke away dear one. Blessed Be~Donna