Is It Wrong To Love One Child More Than The Other?
By Rozie37
@Rozie37 (15499)
Turkmenistan
May 8, 2007 11:19pm CST
Is it morally wrong to love one of your children more than the other. Sometimes one child reminds you more of you, ar looks more like you favorite aunt. Maybe that child does not give you as much hassle as the other.
Maybe one child constantly needs more attention than the other. One child has special needs and the others are normal. How do you deal with such feeling? How do you deal with the guilt.
There are many times when an outsider can look and tell that one child is coddled more than the other. More often than not, the other children can see it also. How does a loving parent handle this?
6 people like this
20 responses
@billionaire5 (1333)
• United States
9 May 07
It doesn't matter the circumstances or the reasons, you should love all your children equally. A child can sense the difference in how you talk to them, treat them. Each child is an individual with their own personality but they all need to be loved equally the same.
2 people like this
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
9 May 07
I had a friend once that knew that her mother did not love her as much as the other three children. She looked just like her father who was the town cheat, so much so that when you saw her, you automactically knew who her father was.
She said that her older sister even noticed that. I could hear the tears in her voice when she told me over the phone, so I asked whether or not she had ever talked to her mom about it and she said no, she is just happy for the relationship that they have now.
She also has a daughter who looks just like the father, but she says that she is able to look past that and love her child anyway.
1 person likes this
@billionaire5 (1333)
• United States
9 May 07
I can relate to your friend I too looked like my father and unfortunately I am not close to my mom because of it. Tell your friend that is what a mother should do, it is not the child's fault for our poor choices. That child is a gift and if she looks close enough she will see herself and let go of the resentment and anger she feels for the father. Best believe he is not losing any sleep if he feels the child looks like her.
2 people like this
@billionaire5 (1333)
• United States
9 May 07
Don't take it to heart, I use to tell my family that I had to be adopted because I just couldn't be related to them. I also look different but I am the oldest and as the oldest I would say and do things to emotionally torture my younger sister and brother. Your sister might just be lashing out because of some inner jealous or wish to be like you. There is always a reason someone picks on the younger or smaller and it doesn't have to have anything to do with you. The past is past, love yourself, live your life the only person you can change is you, and the only thing you can change is your situation.
2 people like this
@sharon_ (1169)
• United States
9 May 07
What a great subject! I certainly agree with what everyone is saying on this post. Whenever my children where growing up, my second to the oldest was diagnosed with ADHD. What a holy terror he was. I was seperated from my husband, had three other kids and was constantly having to deal with my son. I always made sure I took the time out for the other kids. Yes, my son with the ADHD probably got more attention from me, but it's the quality not the quantity that counts...
@lucy02 (5015)
• United States
10 May 07
Yes, it is wrong. My mom was always partial to my brother and it showed. It is something you never get over or at least I didn't. It can leave you feeling second best. I don't have any children but if I did I would make sure to treat them equal.
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
10 May 07
The reason I am asking is not because I believe that is right or wrong. I just wanted to know what people with children feel about this. I don't yet have any children, but I have seen a lot of situations like this.
Especially when there is a step-father who does not accept the children that the wife already has. It is like a ego thing. I don't think that anyone in this situation ever really gets over it. There is a lot of pain to work through and it is hard.
1 person likes this
@6in12years (305)
• United States
11 May 07
Rozie-the situation you describe is one reason anyone with children must choose a spouse even more carefully. My oldest dd is mine and was 2yo when my husband and I married. I knew before we married, though, that he regarded her as his own child (we met just before her first birthday). If he had not, I couldn't have married him and allowed him to favor biological children over her. His mother does obviously favor our first child together over all the others. We don't see her often, but have made it clear to her and to the kids that we disapprove
@babygurl850406 (1322)
• United States
9 May 07
Each child is special in his own way, they all have special things about them that make them different and unique. brothers and sisters can be total opposites from each other.
I have 2 little ones and love them exactly the same. I look after my 14 month old more of course because she is little and i hate having to put my 3 year old in timeout even for like hitting her sister i feel bad, because then i pick my little one up because she is crying.
I am equal with both and will never favor one over the other, they might regret each other and not get along because of this, I love them both the same! :)
@teapotmommommerced (10359)
• United States
9 May 07
If the parents are truly loving parents then they would do what they can to love both children equilly. My twin sister and I were told from the day we were born that we were not wanted, that mom had the worst pregnancy in the world, that we were the worst kids in the world. Our older sister use to get beautiful gifts. Her birthday is in Arpil when mom and day get there tax money, for christmas she alwasy got the good gifts. They would tell my twin and I that they spent the same amount of money on us as on our older sister than they would on us but because there is two of us we would have to split the gift. So we always got the crappy gifts.
They bought our older sister a horse, and for christmas she got a saddle, my twin and I got nothing because they did not have any money left over after buying the saddle. They had no qualms of telling us our older sister needed the saddle so we got nothing.
Yes I hate my parents for what they did to my twin and I they also physically abused us. I do not blaim our older sister I love her dearly. What came out of all of this is a strong love for my twin. We talk on the phone almost everyday.
Now for my children I have tried to be fair to them. My son needed a lot of love and cuddling, my daughter is very independant and did not want the cuddling. I tried to spend the same amount of money on them but I can tell you it is hard.
2 people like this
@limcyjain (3516)
• India
11 May 07
To be true it does happen that one child extracts exta love than the other.How much we try it happens that one gets something extra than the other. I dont say others are denied anything but i personally realize that we end up ignoring the faults of my younger daughter quickly than our elder one. It is surely not the correct way to treat as this my cause differences among the children.
@CarlyLaine (759)
• United States
9 May 07
I don't think it is morally wrong per se, but it's wrong still.
I felt my mother loved my brothers more than me and my sister. It's still that way really...although the woman has matured, finally. I don't mention it to her, but I talked to her about it a few months ago.
Because of this favoritism, I had only one child. I thought I wouldn't be able to get out of the favoritism mode and now I know I could have.
1 person likes this
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
9 May 07
I am so sorry to hear about your children being treated like this by their grand parents, but to be honest with you, I would not allow ANYONE to hurt my children like that. If someone is going to be around my children regularly, they are going to hav a positive affect on them.
If they do not respect your childrens feelings, then they don't respect yours either. You never know what kind of damage this can do to a child. I would tell them straight out, you will not make my kids feel like they are less than anyone else.
Whatever the problem is, get over it or get real good at pretending, because if you can not treat them any better than this, then they will not be a part of your life. I am very sincere about all kids being treated the same. You have to know the potential damage here.
@CarlyLaine (759)
• United States
10 May 07
Elp, When I mention to mom a few months ago about the favoritism, she-as the other responder's (to this post) mother-said it was simply not true. But we know, feel and see.
I am not blaming Mom. She's a human, we make mistakes. Sometimes, she and I get along great. But when she starts riding me about something, I do ask if she would do this to a brother. Then she stops because she knows that I know that she knows.
Good post by the way.
@twils2 (1812)
• United States
12 May 07
Well, I dont know about loving one more than the other, but I think its posible to love one differently than the other. it doesnt mean that you love one more or less, just different. Like you said, one may resemble things you did or look more like you or just generally remind you more of you, you might show that one more attention. That dosnt mean you love the other one any less. I think every parent has a favorite whether they relize it or not. Take care, Terry
@GergOnline (399)
• United States
9 May 07
it is sometimes natural to love one more than another. especially your first child. because fo the fact they were there first before your other children.
1 person likes this
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
9 May 07
See, this is the way that I feel. My first niece was my favorite, because no child had ever been that close to me before. My love for her blew my mind. I was only eighteen when she was born and she was the closest thing to having a child of my own.
I know now though, that my favoring her did not do any good, because I did not start demanding respect from her until she was eighteen and by then it was too late. She was very angry at me. I guess she felt like I had changed, and in a way I had. I think that I should have eased into it more slowly.
@barnkinney (1343)
• Philippines
11 May 07
as much as parents want to.. it would be really impossible to have equal affection to all their children.
when you come to think of it, they really try hard until they get to have their own exvuses why that child needs extra attention than the rest.
i think, good parents still try their best to attend to all the needs of their children. it would all depend on the "importance" or the "emergency" of the need.
- barn kinney
http://barncogitations.blogdrive.com/
http://barncogitations.blogspot.com/
@okn0tok (569)
• United States
9 May 07
I think that the parent should be honest and say to themselves, should I be loving one more than the other? Does one really deserve more love? I think confronting it may help, if not perhaps speaking to a therapist could help them get over whatever is going on inside of them to do this.
1 person likes this
@m1zundaztud (72)
• Philippines
9 May 07
It's not wrong it's just and will be FAVORITISM. You see I'm the 2nd born in my family we're 4 kids. My parents think of me as responsible and trustworthy...sometimes I act like the first born child should act. Sometimes I feel left out.. Not Loved.. for they shower their affections to my other siblings not me.. for I can do it and responsible and trustworthy enough that they know I'll do the right thing...
For me it's not fair, but You can't love them with the same way as your other chilren, because they're people too they have different likes and dislikes... I just try to understand it and accept it.
this is just me....
@6in12years (305)
• United States
11 May 07
It's normal to have an easier time connecting with a child who is more like you or gives you less trouble. That's not the same, though, as loving that child more. Love is a decision, not a feeling. You can only control feelings to a certain extent, so you shouldn't feel guilty for them.
It is very important, though, to appreciate each child for who he/she is. Every child is different, and each has something important to contribute to the family and to the world.
1 person likes this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
10 May 07
My guess is that it is natural to love one child over the other. But good parents don't let it show.The kids never know which is the favorite.And a bad parent has a favorite andlets the whole family know it.
@little_angel (2458)
• Australia
10 May 07
Hello Rozie37
I don't have any children yet, but i see what happen with neighbor, She had 2 son which a year apart, when they were baby, the oldest is very jealous with his brother, because she more care with the baby ( because he still a baby), and there were not good for his personality and attitude, he was got envy feeling since he was a little boy until he grow up.
Now the oldest is hate his parent but love the other family, he had a sister, and he want like his parent more care with him than his brother.
A child didn't understand that baby need more care than he is, but he only knew that his mom didn't care and love him anymore.
Maybe we should love our kid exactly the same, so they can't get jealous one and another.
God bless you
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@shinjiao (1457)
• China
10 May 07
I don't believe it is wrong to love one child more than the other but sometimes if the parents or grandparents love one child more than the other,the other children must be envy the former.When I was young, my grandma loved my little cousin and she gave the best toys to him.I envied him and I played trick on him and fought for him with trifile things.Our relationship was too bad.Till today we are indifferent to each other.
@Divzs18 (441)
• India
9 May 07
When I was a child I always had the feeling that I'm ignored in front of my younger brother.I had the feeling that my brother was being more loved than me and it really really feels so bad at that time and I always feels aloof so I think it is not good on the part of one child to love some one more than other as their often develops a feeling of insecurity and lack of confidence in a child.
@douhaveitinu (63)
• India
10 May 07
ya i think its not fare to love a child more than the other if they belong to the same family......it encrypts a negative impression on the child.it is true that u sometimes become very close to one child than the other....it is human nature.but try to give equal love to other one also.....
@obukohwo (301)
• Nigeria
9 May 07
It is a natural thing to like one fruit type more than the other, to like one country more than the other, God even liked some people more than the others. You shouldnt have moral problems trying to like a particular child than the others, i think it is natural and it does not mean that you have hatred for the othe other children. This kinds of situation is common in every thing we (humans) experience on earth"You must always have a favourite no matter how similar things appear to be.
