I Need Your Opinions - My Sister's Getting Married and.........
By dmillman
@dmillman (2273)
United States
May 11, 2007 5:29pm CST
Well, here I a again, in need of your opinions. My sister got engaged in February. Her and her fiancee were going to get married while on a cruise, realized it would be too much, and opted not to.
Since they're not going to, my sister's fiancee decided that he wants his 3 kids (previous marriage) to be there. So then my sister decided that she wanted mom and dad to be there, but not me!!!!
I understand that she's very shy about these types of things, kind of like "Runaway Bride", but is one more person going to make that much of a difference? My husband even said that he won't go if it helps her decide to let me go, which I thought was nice of him.
She was my maid of honor at my wedding, so she was a big part of my wedding. I understand that she doesn't want anything big, but I still can't understand why I can't go.
She lived right next to me, and she told me this over the phone. Not in person, but over the phone - and she sounded weird about it. I haven't talked to her since then, not that I've been avoiding her, we just don't see each other often (we both work different shifts).
Then I think about how she's getting married in a public place, where strangers will be able to see her get married, but not me. That's even stranger to me. I could just find out the exact date and time and watch from afar, but that's not the point.
Can anyone out there help me try to understand her side of things? What are your opinions on this matter? Am I completely crazy to be so upset? Should I wait for her to approach me, or should I approach her to talk about this? I'm so lost!!!!!!!
Please help!!!
1 person likes this
7 responses
@Lauraleigh99 (4718)
• United States
11 May 07
I would be hurt too! But all you need to do is ask her why you can't go. Where is she getting married at? I wouldn't be able to even begin to understand one one more would be a problem. But like I said the best thing is to come straight out and ask her. She owes you an explanation
@dmillman (2273)
• United States
11 May 07
She said that she didn't want anyone to be there, but when they decided to have it nearby and he was inviting his kids, he decided to invite mom and dad. I understand that, and it makes sense. She's also scared and didn't want anyone there to begin with and people are only going now because of her fiancee inviting his kids. This makes sense to me too.
BUT, they just don't make a good enough reason. She's going to be getting married outside, at a spot where tons of people go and either get married, or have their photos taken there afterwards. People visit this historic location all the time, so it's not like no one will be there besides them.
See why I'm trying to make sense out of it?
@Lauraleigh99 (4718)
• United States
13 May 07
Wow! That is really crazy, I don't understand if she doesn't want people around why get married in a crowded spot. That is very confusing to me. I would still just let her know that you would love to be their on her special day Maybe she will change her mind
1 person likes this
@crazynurse (7482)
• United States
21 May 07
I just have to post since I read the entire thread! I was so hurt for you upon reading your initial post. But after reading the responses it seems that you have worked it out. I'm happy for you now! I was an only child and LONGED for siblings...therefore I just couldn't believe that a sibling would be so hurtful. Glad to see that it was not malicious in any way and that you will be there to see her special day! (even if incognito!) Wow, I think I see another discussion post...have your mylot friends help you design a great cover!!! Ha!
1 person likes this
@dmillman (2273)
• United States
12 Nov 07
UPDATE: I didn't go incognito to my sister's wedding. I was planning on going. Took the day off of work to go. As the day progressed, I thought and thought more about it, and was like, "Well, why bother? If she doesn't want me there, why go? She didn't even invite me to the dinner afterwards, which she should have definitely done!" The more I thought about it, the more I didn't want to go. So instead I made an appointment with my counselor, for the exact same time she was getting married.
A few weeks later, she had her wedding party, which I was invited to and was planning on going to, until I started getting "sick" (it's a long story). Then I decided that I didn't feel well enough to go. Maybe if I had been invited to her actual wedding, I would have made more of an effort. Maybe if the phone converstation we had a few nights prior wasn't so horrible. Maybe if she actually kept me in the loop instead of in the dark about all of her plans.....
We are not talking to each other now, and my parents are upset too. Everyone thinks that even though I was sick, I could have stopped by for at least 10 minutes to say congratulations, and such. No one made a big deal about her not inviting me to her wedding, but I get the silent treatment for not going to her wedding party. I was sick!!! They still don't know what's wrong with me.
Was I wrong to do this? I feel that I made the right decision. Right now I can't drive, due to these medical issues I'm having, so I haven't seen anyone in the family. I can just imagine what Thanksgiving is going to be like. UGH!!!
I want your opinions!!!
@sigma77 (5383)
• United States
12 May 07
Only you know your sister well enough to know if this is normal behavior or not. Maybe she is being pressured by her hubby to be for some reason. It doesn't make sense to me that she would let your husband go and not you. I think I would give her time to rethink her choices. You know how wedding plans are changing almost up to the last minute in many cases. It seems to me that she is uncertain about what she really wants and she might be rushing things a bit. Whatever her final choices, don't take is personally, and respect your sister's decisions, even though they might not make much sense. I know it will be hard to do this. In my mind, it is nothing to lose your relationship with your sister or family over.
1 person likes this
@dmillman (2273)
• United States
12 May 07
Thanks Sigma77. Now that her and I talked, it makes more sense than it did before. I was really trying to figure it out before I spoke to her, which is why I posted here. Thought maybe I'd get to see the other sides to this situation - trying to be open to everything. She just happened to pop over last night to talk and we have things figured out (see above comment).
@sunslinger (474)
• Singapore
14 May 07
Ok, that is weird. You guys live as neighbors and you call each other over the phone??
I think the best way would be to let her know your feelings. Invite her out for lunch/coffee/dinner, not within either of your houses since she is the shy, conflict-avoiding types where either her future husband or your husband is around. Be frank about it and that you are disappointed. Try to find her reasoning for it - maybe she's embarrassed that she's marrying a divorcee? (i'm just guessing here). I hope things turns out for the better between you and your sister.
1 person likes this
@MeredithRX (117)
• United States
13 May 07
I'm so glad you guys have come to an understanding. It sounded like a very strange situation! I can't imagine not being willing to have your parents and siblings (especially if you are close to them) at least be present at your wedding. I can understand not wanting to have a huge wedding, but the other part confused me a bit.
I wonder why she is so nervous about it? It seemed as if she was fine with getting married, she just couldn't stand the thought of her family watching. Extreme stagefright?
@dmillman (2273)
• United States
16 May 07
Well, I will be there, trying to look like a stranger. She said that it's easy for her to get along with strangers, because she doesn't care about them.........but standing up in front of people that she cares about is frightening to her. I guess she almost didn't make it through my wedding, and she was the maid of honor.
@lucgeta (924)
• France
12 May 07
Let me see if I got that right. Your sister is getting married in ship during a cruise. Originally they would take all the guests to the boat and make a ceremony there.
Due to the cost, they decided to marry in a ship but only with a few people around. Is that right?
She might have thought, that if she take you your husband and any kids and any other sister or brother come along. And what about his brother and sisters?
Parents and kids are easy to explain. Furthermore, kids may pay less than adults.
She used the phone to avoid a big scene or fight - you got obssesed, don't you? -
she sound weird maybe because she was upset herself. If you manage to settle with your husband that you go alone you should talk to her.
But first of all, go talk to her about anything else, just test the waters to see if there will be no problems to introduce the subject in a latter time.
Anyway, you should offer her and her fiancee dinner sometime.
@lucgeta (924)
• France
12 May 07
It does't make much sense. She might get embaressed when the family and closest friends are around and doesn't know how to handle everyone looking at her, talking about every little detail, I do't know.
Strangers bypassig are not a big problem. I've seen many japanese newly wed couples in Paris and nobody gives more than a glance and may tell his gf or wife about marrying there, give a laugh and that's it. Nobody will be screenig her :P
The fact that her husband was married and got 3 kids may have something to do with it.
The only thing for sure is that she is your sister, BE with her, if that the way she feels about it just give her your support.
Sometimes people do crazy things with no good reason at all ... like getting married :)
1 person likes this
@dmillman (2273)
• United States
12 May 07
Actually, we just had a talk last night, and I actually understand her now. It's not that she doesn't want me to be there, she really doesn't want anyone to be there - the way that it was originally planned. We've decided that I'll go incognito (sp?) so she won't know it's me. It was my suggestion, and she loved it. She said that if she could get my parents and his parents to do that too, everything would be great.
So, I know when and where the wedding is, so I'll be there. It makes sense, that if she didn't relly want me there, she wouldn't have told me when and where it was, since it's a public place. I feel much better now that we talked, face to face.
