I am so sad tonight....
By Marie2473
@Marie2473 (8512)
Sweden
May 15, 2007 5:13pm CST
Today is not a good night. It is right after midnight here and I can not sleep. My mind will not leave me alone. I am trying to stay stong, but it is not easy.
I know that there was nothing that I or anyone else could have done, but still the thought of "what if" will not leave me.
I was in church today and lit a candle. I have not been in church for years, however i just felt a need to go there today.
I lit my candle and I just sat there, staring at the flame and again thinking - what if?
I know that I am allowed to feel pain, however that does not ease the pain. I am trying to keep myself busy, but as soon as I stop what I am doing the thoughts comes back to haunt me.
My bf has not slept alot since this happend and I can see that he is really tired, but he refuses to leave my side and go to sleep. I finally convinced him tonight that it was ok - That I wanna be alone and that he needs to sleep and that I will come to bed in a while.
I am sure that he is not sleeping... He is probably lying there listening if I am crying, ready to come to my rescue.
I am so lucky to have him atlease...
Oh well I guess i just needed to write my feelings down, sometimes that helps me. I hope I dont depress someone else with this...
6 people like this
11 responses
@texasclassygal (5305)
• United States
15 May 07
I am sooo sorry to hear of your pain, have you already had the procedure done yet?? It is perfectly normal to morn the loss of your child, before or after your procedure, it is normal and you will probably never forget this experience the rest of your life, but realize that this is the best thing since the child would never make it to term with you since it is outside of the womb. I wish you the best, my friend.
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
15 May 07
Yeah, they did it straight away, The pain indicated that they could not wait even a while. I guess it was god to have it done straigt away thouhg, I would have hated even more to go and wait for it.
The pain in my heart they didnt take away though. Its like i traded it for the pain in my stomach =/
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
15 May 07
No, but i will be back for a checkup next week and I will ask him then. I read somewhere that they recomend about 6 months though and that sounds reasonable i guess,
1 person likes this
@texasclassygal (5305)
• United States
15 May 07
Well I am glad that you no longer have the pain in your stomach, it would have only gotten worse or worse yet your tubes could have been ruptured and then you would have never had the opportunity to get pregnant again, has the doctor said when you can try again??
1 person likes this
@FrancyDafne (2047)
• Italy
7 Jun 07
Dear Marie,
you did very well writing your feelings down, you depressed no one, I appreciate that people share their moods with the whole forum.
I can understand your sadness because we have a thing in common: I sometimes happen that certain thoughts come in my mind and I can't stop them, so I am forced to face them. I'm happy your boy friend is so nice and kind, you are very lucky to live with a person so good.
Eh eh eh eh, I know you Swedish people have a melancholic temperament....
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
9 Jun 07
Yeah, my bf is my rock in life. He is always there for me - I am lucky in that way =)
1 person likes this
@FrancyDafne (2047)
• Italy
11 Jun 07
Yes Marie, you are lucky, also because Swedish boys are wonderful, they are tall, with fair hair and sky eyes.... :)
@sunshinecup (7871)
•
16 May 07
I am so sorry for your pain and your loss. Not really the same thing, but I miscarried when I was younger. I am not sure how recent this has been, but time does soften all blows we receive in life. I will add you to my prayers.
BTW what a wonderful man you have there, give him a HUGE hug for me.
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
16 May 07
He says thanx fot the hug =) he is really great and I am so glad to have him
@charms88 (7538)
• Philippines
16 May 07
Sorry to hear you going through this, marie. Understand though that this is quite normal. There is always a reason for every loss. You went to church today which may be God's way of calling you to seek him out again. I am a very religious person. But I can not give you the answer for what happened to you. The pain and the nagging sense of "what if" will eventually go away. It takes time, marie. It is only by accepting everything that you will learn to move on with your life. Be strong and continue to have faith in Him.
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
16 May 07
I will stay strong and I know that i will get through this eventually =)
@apakabar2007 (1693)
• Netherlands
16 May 07
My dear Marie2473, my heart goes for you. I know that nothing that I said can take away the pain....hopefully time will heal the pain. I just pray that GOD will give you the strength and that you won't give up hope. Everything happened for a reason....only we don't know yet....
Be strong and don't give up hope.....I'll pray for you...
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
18 May 07
I am trying to be strong and I am getting more and more storg everyday. What doesnt kill u makes you stronger =)
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
18 May 07
i am sorry that u and your bf are having troubles. try to stay positive.
@birthlady (5609)
• United States
11 Jun 07
I am so sorry for your loss, although I don't know the details, I want you to know that your feelings and grief are normal.
@visitorinvasion (7709)
• United States
15 May 07
Sometimes it does help to vent.
I'm really sorry for whatever trouble you are going through, and I hope that your and your bf are able to come through it stronger than ever.
Many hugs to you, Marie, you sound like you need them.
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
15 May 07
thanx alot, yeah it does help to vent sometimes and sometimes a hug helps as well =)
@TerryZ (22076)
• United States
16 May 07
Hi Marie its perfectly normal for you to feel so sad. If you didnt then I would say something is wrong. Its really going to take some time remember time does heal. Your doing the right thing by keeping yourself busy and active. And its okay to cry. Take care and hugs to you.
1 person likes this
@liranlgo (5752)
• Israel
16 May 07
Marie i think you are a very lucky women to have such a person as your boyfriend by your side.
There has to be that mourning period, and that is exactly what you are having, and that is normal and painful.
You just let yourself feel what you are feeling right now, it will take time, friend.
I know that if you still fell this strong sadness and pain after a period of time, you should go and do somthing about it, because that was not an easy situation.
Give yourself two weeks, and see what is going on after that, maybe if it continues after this period so strongly, you should start some kind of therapy, or just go to the ocean at night and scream all your pain away.
I am sorry you have to go through all of this, but i know you are going to be alright.
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
16 May 07
The ocean at night sounds good, i might do that =) I am feeling a bit better today, however that might be the pills i had the doctor prescribe talking..
