"must" haves & "NON-negotiables"!!!!!

United States
May 17, 2007 7:42pm CST
We ALL have a PREFERENCE chart 4 what we want in a mate. But, many times, we will end up with someone who either fits very little, or hardly ANY of the things we SAY we want! Of course, there are many reasons 4 this, but I won't get into those now. What I wanna know is, based on your PERSONAL experiences in intimate relationships (NOT your preference chart), on how u've actually FELT when dealing with your past partners (and CURRENT 1, if this applies 2 u now), what are the things, in a mate, that u absolutely, positively MUST HAVE? If the person DOESN'T have these traits, things, or whatever, there's NO WAY u will deal with them...period! AND, what are your "non-negotiables"? U know, those things that u will NEVER tolerate, EVER in LIFE! If a person HAS, or DOES THESE things, u won't even give them the time of day! I know that MOST of us (if not ALL of us...at least, at SOME point in our lives) HAVE been in relationships where we tolerated ALOT of things that we DIDN'T like. So, I'm not interested in the things u'll let "slide". I want SPECIFIC "yes's" and "nos" here! And, I realize that NONE of us is PERFECT, and no SITUATION is "perfect", but what have u learned about YOURSELF, based on life experience? This is an "ALL or NOTHING" question! What are YOUR "must haves"? What are your "no way!" 's?
1 person likes this
3 responses
Gorgeous24
@Gorgeous24 (1091)
• United States
18 May 07
Its true we all look for certain preferences in a partner some of us more than others and I think when we set a standard that is way too high, in the end we set ourselves up for disappointment because EVERYONE has flaws and I dont mean just outerbody wise. Dont get me wrong I have certain things I look for in a man: A man MUST exude CONFIDENCE and not get it confused with being conceited,there isnt anything sexier than when a man knows how to carry himself. I think confidence shows alot about a person,it shows hes intune with his mind & body. A man MUST have RESPECT for himself and those around him, I think respect is a line of morals that should never ever be crossed. To have respect is to achieve distintion among one another. A man MUST have AMBITION for himself because if he doesnt want to better himself I cant do it for him, he has to want that. If im going to build a life with someone and Im sharing my goals in life that I want to achieve he has to be giving me some sort of feedback, I want to get inside his mind and see what his passions are. If he has goals in life and I have mine we could reach the skies limits if we both work together. Now for my NON-NEGOTIABLES because we all need them otherwise people would take advantage of us. I WILL NOT put up with PHYSICAL ABUSE, I value myself too much to ever let a man put his hands on me PERIOD! My father never really hit me when I was a kid so what makes a man think he can put his hands on me. I WILL NOT put up with MENTAL ABUSE which can often be more harmful than physical abuse cause the mental abuse is is all on the inside, physical abuse goes away but mental abuse can last a lifetime. Once I feel like my mind is being manipulated by someone ...IM OUT WITH THE QUICKNESS! Thats only some that I can think of now at this moment but if I think of more I will definitely be back to write more about this topic.
Gorgeous24
@Gorgeous24 (1091)
• United States
18 May 07
Oh I also wanted to add what I learned from past relationships is that THERE IS NOT PERFECT PERSON! I tend to attract guys who are not good at talking about there problems or there feelings,which isnt good for me because I NEED TO TALK ABOUT ALL OF THAT. I used to keep my feelings bottled up for along time and thats when I would attract guys who wanted to talk about there feelings but I just pushed them away cuz I wasnt ready to deal with what I was going though at the time BUT when I finally realized that I needed to let all that go cuz I did feel like I was gonna burst, It was the most liberating thing I could have ever done for myself. Now im a very open person and I end up with someone who isnt good at expressing his feelings at all.
creativemind755
@creativemind755 (400)
• United States
18 May 07
I hear u! Abuse of ANY KIND definitely will NOT WORK, PERIOD! Of course, what I realize about abuse, is that it can only REALLY occur when u're ALREADY "abusing" YOURSELF! I truly believe that people treat us how we treat OURSELVES! So, with EVERYTHING that u've mentioned here (respect, ambition, confidence, mental AND physical abuse), I think that your partner only "mirrors" what's already INSIDE of u! So, if 1 DOES "put up" with, or ALLOW abuse of ANY kind, then it's just a sign of how 1 DOESN'T respect THEMSELVES, which is why 1 would ATTRACT someone who ALSO doesn't respect them! I'm glad that u DON'T tolerate that stuff. That's definitely a GOOD thing! Just like u, if I think of more, I'll write again as well. As usual, nice post!
1 person likes this
creativemind755
@creativemind755 (400)
• United States
18 May 07
That's funny how things have REVERSED 4 u, in the expressing of feelings "department", Gorgeous. Maybe now that u've learned how 2 express YOUR feelings, u're attracting men who CAN'T, so that u can show THEM how, just like U finally learned how! Very interesting!
1 person likes this
huilee
@huilee (1005)
• Singapore
18 May 07
Yesh yesh yesh... I so so so agree with u... I always think i wan a bf who does not smokes... End up many a times, i will have a guy who loves smoking like his life... I dun like guys who clubs alot... But i always end up with guy who party like theres no tomorrow... I like tall guys, but very often, they are not very big in their build either... I guess it always happens... So i think that i will prefer not to make any wishes or requests, in tt case... No expectations, no disappointments... And love doesnt stops jus because the person doesnt fits ur bill.. When it comes, it comes... =)
creativemind755
@creativemind755 (400)
• United States
18 May 07
True indeed, huilee! I believe that TRUE love OVERRIDES any and ALL expectations that we have! I believe that it's an act of God, and we have NO CONTROL over it! We CAN choose 2 deal with someone or not, but we CAN'T choose who we "fall" 4! Nice post!
1 person likes this
danishcanadian
@danishcanadian (28953)
• Canada
18 May 07
I am very lucky with my partner. He has had past relationships, I really haven't. Well one, but it wasn't really much of a relationship, and we still managed to remain friends. We discussed the typical stuff honesty, openness, respect, and neither one of us would tolerate abuse of any kind.