Being Judged
By linds22
@linds22 (34)
United States
May 18, 2007 2:31pm CST
I am a 22 year old mother of two small children. I am a housewife, and stay at home mom. My family is my life. I spank my two year old when neccesary and I seem to get quite a bit of negative response to this. "Why not try to put them in time out?" I do try that. And sometimes it works. However, if I ask my daughter to stop doing something, then TELL her to stop doing something, count to 3 and she's STILL doing what she knows better than to be doing in the first place, I'm going to spank her. End of story. It doesn't hurt her, it hurst her feelings, and in a matter of seconds she doesn't even remember it happening. I don't abuse my children. I don't spank them with belts, paddles, or anything other than my open hand. If my daughter is trying to reach up and touch the hot stove, I'm not going to say "No, no, honey let's go sit in time out. You can't touch that." Becuase the first thing she's going to do, is sit in time out, get out, and walk over and touch that hot stove again. So when I see her reaching for it the first time, I pop her on the hand. She's only tried to touch my stove twice. She has a bad habit of trying to spit on people. If I see her spit on someone, I ask her to stop. If she doesn't stop, I'll pop her in the mouth. Not hard. But enough to get her attention. I don't feel guilty about the way I raise my kids, and I don't feel ashamed. Where I live, I feel if more parents disaplined their children better, I wouldn't walk into a store and see a child HITTING their mother's, screaming at the top of their lungs, and giving THEM orders, instead of the other way around. It just astounds me that parents will sit back and let their kids run all over them. Maybe if they spanked those little butts once in awhile, they wouldn't act like that.
Now I'm not saying that every parent that chooses not to spank their children is wrong. No way. I know some parents who don't spank their kids, who are extremly well behaved. If that works for you--wonderful! But it does not work for me. Probably 1 out of ever 4 times My two year old gets in trouble, time outs work. 1 out of every four times getting toys taken away works. 2 out of four times I have to spank her to get her to listen. And quite frankly, I get sick of getting judged by other mothers for spanking my child. My youngest is only 5 months old, so of course I don't spank her. But when she gets old enough to understand what the word "no" means, I'll start to spank her when neccesary, also. When I child can understand the word "no", they understand what they are doing is wrong, and I don't think spanking is a problem. "Spare the rod, spoil the child."
11 people like this
28 responses
@christine_margot (282)
• Philippines
18 May 07
I have 2 kids, a two year old and a 5 month old baby. Both of them are boys. My eldest is such a sweet boy but sometimes he can be so hard headed. He is such an active and naughty boy that he hurts himself a lot of times. There are also times that he refuses to listen and wants all his whims provided. I am a working mom and sometimes if I'm too tired, i get very impatient. I spank my eldest son too but at the end of the day, I feel sorry that I ever did. I was raised by strict parents who use pain as punishment. As a result, none of us grew close to our parents. We respect and love them but sometimes I wish they have been our best friends too.
I want my two boys to be very close to me. I do not want them to fear me like I feared my parents. I agree that discipline is necessary to keep them on the right track but not to the extent that their freedom is restricted by fear of punishment.
I am not saying that you are wrong... This actually not an issue regarding your parenting style but mine. I admire you because you know how to raise your kids... You have a definite belief on how they should grow. Me, I am confused what parenting style to follow. I am scared that my kids would fear me and at the same time I do not want them to grow up spoiled. This has been a dilemma for me and until now, I am still figuring it out.
One thing is for sure though, we love our children. :-)
I am glad, I read your post... Thanks
@MrsWickham1 (464)
• United States
18 May 07
My hubby's mom felt bad about spanking him so eventually she stopped. They are really close. I think it is ook to be confused especially since you are not close to your parents. You will find what works for you in time. Good luck with everything, your still agreat mom no matter what.
3 people like this
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
21 May 07
I don't think spanking is what makes a child distant from their parents. I agree with sacrificialclam on the note that I was spanked and I am very close with my mom and dad now. We had other mitigating circumstances that caused distance between us, but it was not the spanking. I am ok, I am not a criminal, I am not violent and I am very loving. Many of us were spanked and we are better for it. It made me think about what I was doing before I did it because I didn't want to get spanked.
@youdontsay (3497)
• United States
18 May 07
Two-year-olds are always testing the limits. They are out to touch everything, say "no" to everything, learn by doing everything. Some are more aggressive about it than others. They have different temperments. What works with one won't necessarily work with another, even siblings in the same household!
And as they get a little older different things work to discipline them. What worked when they were two certainly won't work when they are ten.
So a firm pat on the rear or on that curious hand may be necessary at some stage in their development. The important thing is that they are learning appropriate boundaries, that they are loved very much, that they are good people in spite of "bad" behavior.
They learn self-discipline from good parental discipline.
Some kids are really too hard to handle. Doesn't sound like yours, though. I've watched children tantrum into out of control behavior. There is usually some chemical imbalance that can't be corrected by even a spanking. These families need professional assistance in some form or other.
So, . . . don't worry about those "judges". They will reap whatever they sow. And so will you! Hang in there, mom.
But for the great majority of kids, you don't have to cause them severe physical pain. Some mild physical discomfort and firm, fair, and consistenr consequences of their behavior will help them grow up with good personal boundaries and conduct.
3 people like this
@deebomb (15304)
• United States
19 May 07
It seems to mme spanking was fine as a dicipline until a socalled expert named Dr Spock decided he was an expert on how to raise children 50 or so years ago. Until he wrote a couple of books parents knew how to raise their kids. I was spanked as a child. In fact I can remember wishing my Aunt would spank me instead of making me feel like I was a bad kid at the age of 11 Spank me and get it over with. In stead she would make me waite and talk to me and make me feel guilty. I spanked my kids. I couldn't understand why my kids would stand acros the room and yell at their kids 7, 8, 9 times when clearly the kid was not going to listen. Spanking is not going to hurt the kids sikie. I'm sure you give as many hugs as you do spanking and they will be close to you. No body knows our kids like we do. Abused kids are the exception not the rule.
@teison2 (5921)
• Norway
19 May 07
In my country it is forbidden to spank children. I think this law is a wonderful thing. You can call it whatever you want and wxpplain it however you like, but I think spanking is an act of violence. It is cruel, and i think it does not work. You may think it works at the time, but you only scare your child into obedience. i also do not agree with you that a two year old understand what they can and cannot do. I really hope you would do some reading on the subject. I hope you will read a bit about child developement, and about parenting. maybe spanking seems like the only way to you - but i am sure you will find other ways of diciplining your child if you look into it a bit more. i do not mean to judge you - I just wanted to give you my views on this. Violence is never ok.
@teison2 (5921)
• Norway
19 May 07
I never said anything about what does work in parenting did I? I never said screaming was ok did I? It does not matter to me how you spank of use physical force against your child - I think it is violence. i know it is leagal in your country - I never said you were breaking any laws. Did I say that we should only concentrate on spanking, and not concentrate on more serious violent acts? I think it would be logical to think that if i am so much against spanking I would be very much against child abuse or other forms of violence in society. And as for your parenting skills: I think that all parents would benefit from reading up on the latest findings on child development and parenting strategies. I think everyone should always strive to better themselves. even those that are excellent parents.
@linds22 (34)
• United States
19 May 07
You say you are not judging me, yet you are saying my parenting isnt right. When I spank my child, she is not scared. Her feelings are hurt because she is in trouble. I do not leave marks on my children. I spank her with an open hand. I never said that she could understand what she can and cannot do, I said that she could understand what the word "no" meant, and she could understand that at eight months old. You can agree or disagree all you like, but she's my child, and I think I would know. I don't need to read about child development, or about parenting. I am a very good parent. I am not "violent" against my child. Spanking is NOT violence. Violence is when a 19 year old man puts his 2 month old daughter in the microwave for twelve seconds and leaves her with third degree burns--yes, this just recently happened in the state I live in. Mothers drowning their children. Dumping them in garbage bags on the side of the road. And people are judging for SPANKING? Give me a break!
And just for the record, I believe I stated this in my post, if I didn't, I'll say it now: I do use time outs and taking away priveleges. And sometimes it works. Sometimes, it does not. I am not going to scream at my child, over and over and over again to try to get her to listen, if a swat on the bottom will do the job without my having to yell. My mother yelled a lot when I was young--and THAT scared me. Not when I got spanked. I don't need to find other ways of disaplining my child, becuase the way I disipline her is working just fine.
Maybe you only have these views because it is forbidden to spank your children where you live. And that's fine. But it's not illegal here. Abuse is illegal, but that is far from what I am doing. And soon I will be posting pictures of my two year old on here, if I can, and you can see for yourself how happy and healthy she is, dispite the fact that she gets spanked once in awhile. We need to be focusing more on the people who are REALLY abusing their kids. I undestand that this is only your opinion, but maybe you need to have more of an open mind, because I don't need a book to tell me how to raise my child.
I agree, violence is never okay. I am not violent, nor will I ever be violent with my children.
1 person likes this
@LadyDulce (830)
• United States
19 May 07
Another point (lady, I love your conviction on this issue; it warms the very cockles of my heart, lol): my stepdad never spanked, though he's been there nearly my entire life, he had a right (and a responsibility) to do so. I never did respect him as much as I respected my mother. I knew when she said no, she meant it. At two, I was the only child in my family to throw a tantrum, even then I didn't make it to the floor. Momma was oldschool, lol. Yet, I loved my mother more than anyone but my own son. She never terrified me, except when she fought with my stepdad. I always knew that what she did, she did calmly with love. If she was upset, she'd take a break, then come back to deal with it. Props for discriminatory spankings.
@wachit14 (3595)
• United States
19 May 07
Children need to be disciplined, but spanking is not discipline and it really doesn't teach her anything, accept to be afraid of you. I know your intentions are good, but if you better understood that developmentally, she may not be able to see things the way you do, then you wouldn't spank her. To say that spanking doesn't hurt her is erroneous. Spanking has long-term effects on children. They see themselves having no control and have much lower self esteem. They may grow up to have behavioral problems. Children should behave themselves to a degree, but parents must always take a child's developmental stage into consideration when they are evaluating their behavior at home or out in public.
@linds22 (34)
• United States
21 May 07
My daughter isn't afraid of me at all. And I'm not saying I spank my child all day everday. She behaves very well most of the time. I got spanked growing up (not a lot) but I did, and I don't have behavioral problems at all. Neither does my sister. Niether does my husband. I understand what you're saying, and I'm not trying to be hateful at all, I just disagree. I think when I child is misbehaving, and nothing else is working--rather than scream at a child or tell her over and over and over again and have her ignore you, a swat on the butt works just fine. And she listens. And she's not afraid of me.
@MrsWickham1 (464)
• United States
18 May 07
I am 21 and I have only one child who makes me very much so not want anymore. Do not get me wrong I would not trade her for the world, but she drives me crazy sometimes. I do not feel it is healthy to give in to every whim your child wants. There must be boundaries. My mom spanked me and my sister, my best friend was spanked we are fine. I love my mom we are really close. They were strict and I do not want to be as strict, but I tried time out and it does not work. So I give her little spankings nothing to really hurt her just enough to get her attention. Now if I just stand up off the couch when she goes for the TV She will stop and go somewhere else.
There is a difference between abuse and a good butt whooping ( with your hand no less). If that waht works for you then you do what works for you. This lady in Walmart saw me slap my daughter hand because she would not stop grabbing at things. I told her that it was none of her business, but if she would liek to take my child and raise her she was welcome to. She was dumbfounded. It is no ones business how you raise your child unless it is clear they are abused, even then it si not their business, but something needs to be done.
My hubby is military and most of the wives think it is the worst thing in the world. I don't care I am not beating her I just gave her a tap on the hand. So I understand how you feel about being judged. different techniques depending on the action you are doing what YOU feel is right.
2 people like this
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
21 May 07
Sacrificialclam, that is true. I think we have lost our way on disciplining our children. we don't have boundaries anymore and this is a dangerous thing. I see a lot of kids taking advantage of their parents and using the no spanking to their advantage.
@mac1946 (1602)
• Calgary, Alberta
18 May 07
I feel the same as you,if needed,a spanking never hurts so long as thats all,I do not believe in abuse either and until they are around five or six,when I will change to another form of punishment,I will spank.
I just wish other people(and I am ok if they do not want to spank)would stay out of my life and that of my family,and this includes the government.
Blessed Be.
@elizabeth525 (654)
• United States
19 May 07
i would not be worried about what people think about you spanking your kids...why? they are YOUR kids!!! most of the time when a little kid who is 2 is spanked..it is on the diaper and they dont even feel it. and no time out DOES NOT work. They sit there...and think about what else they can do. sometimes time outs work...but for the most part they do not because kids are too excited,too hyper and too playful for them to work.
1 person likes this
@mememama (3076)
• United States
20 May 07
Even if you don't spank, you'll get judged. It's a no win situation. I personally don't believe in spankings, I grew up without them, graduated with honors and a full ride scholarship to college! My son isn't spanked either, people comment on how well behaved he is. There's other ways of discipline, but I'm often told that he will walk all over me and be a brat without a spanking-this is not true at all. He is still disciplined, just not using any physical force.
1 person likes this
@linds22 (34)
• United States
21 May 07
meememama, I'm not saying that every person that doesn't spank their child is a spoiled brat. Not by any means. I know some parents who have wonderfully behaved children, and they don't spank. If you can get your child to behave, and they respond to "time outs" and what not, that is great. But mine doesn't respond well to that all of the time. Sometimes a swat on the butt is what it takes to make her listen. I hope I wasn't offending you, becuase that was not my intention. I give props to moms who have children who will listen without a spanking.
@lillake (1630)
• United States
20 May 07
A 2 year old is far too young to use counting to 3 on. It goes against their natural behavior. I do not think any child should be spanked, especially not a small child that is only 2. Spare the rod, spoil the child. Do you think the shepards were out there beating their sheep with their rods? because that is where the phrase comes from, from guiding your children like a shepard guides his sheep.
1 person likes this
@lillake (1630)
• United States
21 May 07
Sorry, but sacrifisalclam was not "just asking". This person likes to post on every parenting post praising beating children and leaving rude and idiotic remarks to others. It wasn't just asking, it was just one of another of her/his posts aimed to make it seem as if I, and others against spanking, let our children run wild.
As for what to do. There are a few million things to try. If counting works, great use it. If it doesn't that doesn't mean the child needs to be spanked. A 2 year old is hardly capable of understanding all the time, much less be expected to control themselves everytime. Try redirecting, guiding your child somewhere else before they do the action. How about care for their emotions and physical being before the event happens. If they are tired or hungry or upset or ate junk food or a number of other things often the only way a young child can release is to act out, often in a way adults see as "bad". Is the child looking for attention? A spanking is still attention, in which case you're only reinforcing the negative action because it still means you have to stop what you are doing and give your attentioin to them. Often children will take the good with the bad, just to get attention. Try catching them being good and praise them, rather than focusing on the negative actions.
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, as they say.
And as for the "Spare the rod, Spoil the child" I say this. "Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me." ~ Matthew 25:40 When you spank your child, you are spanking Jesus.
http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/topics/gentlediscipline.php
http://www.naturalfamilyonline.com/articles/gentle-child-discipline.htm
http://www.saferchild.org/tipsfor4.htm
@linds22 (34)
• United States
21 May 07
Okay lillake..if a 2 year old is too young to use counting to 3 on, what about time out? She responds better to counting to three than she does to time out. Sometimes counting to three works, and sometimes it does not, and I don't think sacraficialclam was being an idiot, and I don't think calling them that was neccessary. you said two year olds are too young for that, but you didnt' say what kind of punishment should be used. So they were asking, that's all.
@lillake (1630)
• United States
21 May 07
Also, I wanted to point out that your example is flawed. You said "If my daughter is trying to reach up and touch the hot stove, I'm not going to say "No, no, honey let's go sit in time out. You can't touch that." Becuase the first thing she's going to do, is sit in time out, get out, and walk over and touch that hot stove again. So when I see her reaching for it the first time, I pop her on the hand."
Except neither helps the child. So you pop her on the hand. What does she learn? "If I touch this mommy hits my hand, I better not touch it any more so mommy doesn't hit me." If you use time out what is the lesson? "If I touch this mommy makes me sit over here."
Do you see how neither example helps? I remove my child from the stove without hitting, yelling, or hurting. I calmly and rationally explain that the stove will hurt him and burn him. Because that is the lesson. Not that the stove will make me hit him or that the stove will make me move him. But that the stove will burn him. That is what I want my child to understand. You assume that those opposed to spanking just say "no no dear" and leave it at that, but your assumptiopn is false. We take the extra time to explain to and teach our children why a certain action is dangerous/bad/hurtful. yes sometimes it takes repeated time, more so than with a swift spanking or hitting of the hands. But I would rather repeat the lesson and have them truely learn it than pop him and have him learn the wrong lesson.
1 person likes this
@linds22 (34)
• United States
22 May 07
My daughter has tried to touch my stove twice. Both times I popped her hand and said "No, baby, hot hot. It'll hurt you!" Now everytime I'm cooking and she comes into the kitchen, she points to the stove and says "hot hot". So obviously the two times I had to pop her on the hand, she learned what I was trying to teach. I didn't yell, or scream. Sometimes when I try to explain things to her, she really doesn't want to hear it. Because she's two, and she has a very short attention span. So if I pop her hand (or her butt depending on the circumstances) and tell her why she got popped, it may take once or twice, but the majority of the time, she learns very quickly. She doesn't learn the wrong lesson as far as I'm concerned. I guess it just depends on the child, though.
@breepeace (3014)
• Canada
18 May 07
You know, when I was a kid I got spanked. My brothers got spanked, most of my friends got spanked, and most of their siblings got spanked and we're all happy well adjusted young adults who don't harbour ill will towards our parents for their disciplinary style. A close friend of mine and I actually recently had a discussion about how we were quite thankful our parents did what they did when they raised us, because it set boundaries when we were young. We got tabasco on our tongues when we told a lie, we got our hand slapped if we stole something, and if we were acting up and being unreasonable we were definitely given a spanking. We were never beaten, we didn't come away with physical or emotional scars, and most of the time, we forgot about it by the next day.
When I was a kid, if I started screaming in the aisle of the grocery store, I would have got a smack on the rear and got told to cut it out, and I did.
Yet, EVERY time I go out somewhere where I will encounter parents and their children, I see a child acting up in a way that my parents would not have allowed me to act EVER -- not at home, and especially not in public -- and I see these parents trying to reason with their children.
You have a 3 year old pulling cans of the shelf and throwing them at the floor and you're attempting to help them gain perspective on why what they're doing is wrong as if you're talking to an adult?
Something is really wrong with the world.
Good for you!
2 people like this
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
18 May 07
YOu won't get any judgement from me. I spanked my daughter and she is fine! I was spanked and I turned out fine, she was spanked and she is fine. I don't see anything wrong with spanking personally. I don't care what other people think about it. It is their preference to spank or not. I do see that these days people spank less and their kids have a lot more liberties and less respect. So, there has to be something to that.
2 people like this
@psyche49f (2502)
• Philippines
18 May 07
I totally agree with you on this one. Spanking is one way of making the kids realize that we mean business. Sometimes they can be very stubborn that words won't have any effect on them, so as a parent you have to do something. Spanking should be made a part of disciplining the child but only in extreme cases of disobedience. If the child obeys when you start raising your voice, then there is no need to spank. But, after telling her a hundred times to pick up her toys and she does not do anything, then give her a little smack and the next time she will be picking up her toys fast.
@swtnss (264)
• United States
22 May 07
linds22, I totally agree with you, it is ok to spank your children, its takes too much to just sit there and repeat yourself when they know what they are doing is wrong. I chastise my children in the street too because it is so ridiculous to see how children act when they are around their parents and they dont do anything to stop it. I rather spank my child then to be embarrased in public. Dont let no one tell you how to raise you children, the bible say judge not lest ye be judge. the only one that can judge you is God. you are a very good parent. your children will love you for it when they become adults.
@harwoodkp (285)
• United States
19 May 07
You sound like you have a very good head on your shoulder. With the wise direction you are taking your children, they should end up growing to be very good children and adults.
I do the same with my son. He has even got out of a spanking when I was too angry. This is the one time I will never spank my son, because I want to make sure I dont injure him, but give him direction.
1 person likes this
@mayenskie (1307)
• Philippines
23 May 07
I am not yet a mother but i am the eldest child and so act as a mother whenever mom is away. I have 5 younger siblings and when they were much younger i scolded and spanked them whenever they did something or gonna go something that is not going to be good. For instance my sister like to climb on trees or on the high shelves i would tell her to get down or she will fall but if she would not take heed.. i will spank her or sometimes i let her fall to learn her lesson. I was spanked while growing up too.
I do not think you are doing wrong spanking your child as long as you always explain with love to them the consequences of their action and why you had to spank them after. please it is no use to shout or scream at children. It is important that the child would remember the reasoning behind the action and not the pain of the spanking you did. Assure her always that you did that because you love her and won't want her to be sorry if she did what she want to do. I learned that how you conduct your child while she is growing up is most likely the way she will conduct her child in the future. When my grandmother lived in our house, I finally understand my mom's personality.
@carolscash (9492)
• United States
23 May 07
Good for you ! It sounds as though you are a good mom and that your kids will respect you as the adult. I believe that half of the kids in the world think that they are the ones in charge! I have two kids and they know that I mean business when I threaten them with spanking. I know some people see that as teaching them to fear me, but I think it is teaching respect for what I say.
Don't change your parenting for anyone and I truly believe that your children will grow up to be healthy wel behaved children.
@helpmehelpyou (534)
• Canada
19 May 07
it saddens me to see the way the government, and people regard the discipline of children as a non corporal administration. when children ,"most" are misbehaveing, it is usually because they want attention, and they don't care how they get it , as long as they get your attention. in certain circumstances i beleive a tap on the hand or butt is required. mostly to get their attention. children must be taught that it is not acceptable to throw a tantrum in public.nor is it acceptable to disrespect your elders. my children are grown ups now and they were taught the rights and wrongs of growing up, as i was as a child. i stole once from my mother and was caught for doing it. i got the thrashing i though would be the end of my life , but instead it gave me a different point of view. my father explained that he didn't want to do what he had to and that it was going to hurt him more than it did me. he was right. later that evening i could hear him sobbing because i had hurt him more than i could ever imagine. i reverently respect my parents for the discipline they taught me. i am a better person for it. you discipline your children, as you see, fitting the crime. we are allowed to chastise our children, but not punish them.we just need to know when enough is enough. test me once =1 tap, test me twice 2 taps, (i guess you didn't learn the first time). when our children get to be teenagers we are held responsible for their actions not the government or other people. start teaching them early, not when it's too late, and they hurt someone
1 person likes this
@eachen2002 (889)
• United States
18 May 07
When I was kid my mom used to sink her nails in my skin under my arm when I misbehaved.I remember getting hit in the mouth for being a smart***.She threw me on the floor and starting beating my face because I laughed at something my brother said one time.She broke a couple of wooden spoons across my butt whenI was ten.I burnt something on the stove.She also shoved my brother up against the wall when he tried to hit me.There was corporal punishment when I was going to school and alot of my friends had alot of disapline on them too while they were growing up.I wouldn't dare touch my daughter the way my mom did.I had alot of anger problems.I try to treat my daughter with as much respect as I can as long as she shows me the same treatment.I have on occasion popped her on the butt for talking back.Grandma yells at her alot but won't touch her.I know alot of people have had worse.Do you what you feel is good for your kid.
1 person likes this
