24/7 moms need a break without a guilt trip
By momof3inTN
@momof3inTN (89)
United States
May 19, 2007 2:16am CST
Every stay-at-home mom needs a break from the kids every once in awhile. I know I sure do. I'm a stay-at-home mom of 3 beautiful children. I love my kids with all my heart and with everything in me but even I need to have time for myself. My day starts at 7am and doesn't end until 10pm and even after that I still have to feed the baby during the night. So, I don't normally have "mommy time." When I did ask for a break to have time to myself, without toting a child around, I had to continue asking for several weeks. Each time I asked I got the guilt trip. "I can't believe you need a break from the kids! Why? They are wonderful. I wish I could stay at home with the kids all the time. If I could I'd stay home and not go to work. I'd rather be here with the kids and I wouldn't need time away from them." That was what I listened to, for weeks, until, finally, I got my break. 2 days and 1 night away from home, just for me. While I still receive the guilt trip when I suggest another break (the last one was 5 months ago) my husband does have a greater appreciation for what I do everyday. Now, if only he'd realize that he would feel exactly the same as I do if he was the one with the kids 24/7. Anyone else have to deal with a husband who is similar?
4 people like this
14 responses
@ParaTed2k (22940)
• Sheboygan, Wisconsin
19 May 07
Anyone who could look you in the eye and ask "how could you need a break from the kids" or "I'd rather be here wit the kids and I wouldn't need time away from them" should get what they wish for.
No one should have to spend 24/7 doing anything. I love my kids too, but that doesn't mean they are all their is in life. I'm sure my kids like to spend time without me there too, and that doesn't bother me at all.
What makes me wonder too, he says he'd love to be able to be home with the kids all day, every day, yet he argues with you if you ask him to be with them for 2 days?
1 person likes this
@momof3inTN (89)
• United States
19 May 07
Yes, difficult to sort that one out. Actually, I don't think it was being with the children that was the problem with me getting away, I think it was the other stuff that goes along with the children. Cleaning up the messes; cooking; changing diapers; listening to the constant, non-stop chatter of a 5 year old; etc. When I came home the house was a royal disaster. I spent the next 2 days getting it back in order. Of course he still won't give in and admit that it was not an easy job, taking care of the kids. That is something that he still needs to work on, appreciation. LOL
@ParaTed2k (22940)
• Sheboygan, Wisconsin
19 May 07
So, what he's really saying is, "How could you need a break from PLAYING with the kids" and "I'd rather be here PLAYING with the kids and I wouldn't need time away from PLAYING with them".
Strange, I thought taking care of the kids also meant cleaning up after them, feeding them, cleaning up after feeding them, changing diapers, cleaning up spit up/throw up... etc.
Yeah, "appreciation" is something that is all to often lacking from both parents towards each other.
1 person likes this
@momof3inTN (89)
• United States
19 May 07
Yes, I think that he thinks I spend all day playing with the kids. There's a big difference. He's never really had to stay at home with them and do all the housework. He was unemployed for a short period (1 month) and even though he was home with them during the day, I still came home (I was in graduate school at the time) and did the dishes, vacuumed, cooked dinner, etc and so forth.
It's difficult at times to deal with the frustration of his not understanding but we get through it. I enjoy doing little things for him and letting him know that I appreciate the fact that he goes out everyday and goes to work so that we can pay the bills and keep a roof over our heads. Stuff like that special dinner or a backrub or making him something I know he really wants (I'm crafty). He knows I appreciate all he does for our family. I just wish he would do the same sometimes.
@Darkwing (21583)
•
19 May 07
No, I never had to deal with that, but I didn't need time away from my kids apart from the odd evening out. You do get in a rut when you have to care for them 24/7, your nights' sleep are broken by a baby and then you have to get up early and attend to the others. That's how life goes with kids. But hey! If you need a break every now and again, then why not? All of us are different in our needs. If you get that you need a break, then obviously, you will come back to the kids refreshed and much more able to give them what they need... you're care and attention.
If the older ones are going to school, or kindergarten, you could take some time out when the baby sleeps during the day. Go sit in the garden, relax, read a book or something. It will give you a chance to get your breath back, at least!
@Darkwing (21583)
•
19 May 07
That sounds great that the boys have their own little pieces of garden. Some seeds would be nice because they can watch them grow from their beginnings. How about herbal gardens, or a small salad patch or something productive like that. They would be so proud to bring their salad stuffs in for lunch or dinner. :-)
@momof3inTN (89)
• United States
19 May 07
I knew what I was getting into when we started having children. Actually, for the first 2 he was much more helpful. We would take turns getting up at night with the baby and he'd play with the baby so I could take a nap, whatever I needed. But with this third one, he cannot stand being woken uo by her crying and he gets very upset and angry when she starts crying in the middle of the night. I'm left to be up half the night with the baby and then up all day with the older 2, it's just a bit wearing at times. When I do get to have a break (even if it's just going to the grocery store by myself), I come home more relaxed and chilled and with renewed patience.
Our older children (both boys) and 7 and 5 but they do not go to school, we homeschool them. Plus, the oldest has ADHD and is unmedicated. Keeping up with him is a challenge. Now that spring has arrived we are doing much more outside and I've set them up with their own garden to work on, that helps a lot. Any other ideas, anyone?
@Jennifer21 (2476)
• United States
19 May 07
Well, I do wish I could have some time away from my children. I have two children, one is a three year old, and one is a ten month old. I have so much responsibility with having to take care of a nurture my children. I have my oldest son which needs constant taking care of and nururing, such as teaching him his colors, alphabet,and numbers. I also have my youngest son which also needs constant nurturing such as feeding and helping him with his mobility and grasping skills.
I have also housework to do and trying to make money online. I have a lot of responsibilities which pretty much equal out to a 24/7 a day job. If I am not teaching, I am taking care of in different ways such as feeding, changing diapers, making dinner, or any other menail activity.
I am pretty busy during my days, even if I don't have a real tax paying job. I wish my husband would see how important and difficult my job can be at times.
I have yet to have a break. I have been busy ever since my three year old son was born. I do get time to have a relaxing bath or a relaxing excercising session, but nothing more than that. My husband works ten hours a day, five days a week, so he too is very tired when he gets home. Neither of us seem to get enough relaxation time for ourselves.
Hopefully in time we will resolve a way to relax ourselves in a meaningful way.
I would sure love some "get away time" from my children. Because I realize taking care of children is a very difficult job to do. It is a long and tedious, as well as strenuous and time consuming.
I give praise to anyone who can handle it without any sort of releif(such as a vacation or relaxation time for yourself).
I have recently began taking very long baths. I spend about an hour in the tub just soaking and reading a book.
I just relax myself while my husband is watching the children. I just close the bathroom door on, turn on some soft music, such as Beethoven, and read a good book.
My husband is very criticizing of my job, because he doesn't see me making a real contribution. I have to argue, I am making a definite contribution, and I wish he would see that. I guess men will be men though.
@momof3inTN (89)
• United States
25 May 07
Close the bathroom door, turn on some soft music (I really like Enya or something like that), light a couple of candles (but keep them out of burning reach), and a good book. Just sit back, relax, and chill out for awhile. Yeah, that is wonderful. I do get to do that, occassionally. My husband leaves for work around 8am and some days will be home around 5pm and others (like last night) won't be home until after 11pm. (He's a graduate student but he also works in one of the laboratories and the experiments sometimes require him to be gone all day and well into the nights) Since the baby has been sleeping a little more consistently, and the boys are usually asleep by 9:30, I can usually get a relaxing soak in the tub about once a week after 10pm. At that point I usually need it, it really helps with the sore back. LOL
@sunshine4 (8703)
• United States
19 May 07
I don't think that husbands actually get it until they have spent the day in our shoes. I would make plans with a girlfriend to go out for a day. Take a day that your husband is home so he can do what you do 24/7. Tell him that you have made these plans and will need him to be home that day. Leave in the morning and come home after dinner. Once he gets a taste of how it isn't that easy, he will start to understand why you need a break once in a while. I know even going to the grocery store by myself is a treat! Like you , I cherish my children and am so blessed to be home with them. I did this with my husband and now he has a better sense of why I actually need some me time.
@momof3inTN (89)
• United States
25 May 07
That's a really good idea. I'm working up to that. So far, I've got him to take the oldest 2 out on Saturdays. It gives them some daddy/sons time too. Next I'll work the baby into the equation. That'll make it more difficult for them to go out and he'll actually have to be here with the 3 of them. He has watched all of them for a short period (an hour here and an hour there) so I could go to the store. I even got him to watch them so I could have a cup of coffee. But as for an extended time, that has been much more difficult and he's only done that with the 2 older boys, not with the baby. The baby has been attached to my hip pretty much since she was born. When he did have the two boys, I came home and got to spend the next couple of days cleaning up the mess. Getting him to actually do the things I do during the day is the hardest part. If all he's doing is playing with the kids, he doesn't have a complete sense of my life and all I do and therefore cannot understand my need for some time away.
@mama4kids (690)
• United States
20 May 07
i feel the exact same way. i am a sahm to four kids and i never ever get a break. i always have at least one or two with me at all times. i co sleep with my 17 month old still and my 2 yr old and4 yr olds sleep on their beds but in my room. my 10 yr old is the only one that sleeps in her own room.
next year, i am homeschooling my 4 yr old and 10 yr old so i am destined to never have a break.
but one thing i can say is that one day, we will miss these times. time flies by so quickly so i guess we should just try to enjoy it.
but that doesnt mean that we dont deserve a break every now and again!!!
try to get some me time in for yourself. i never can so you will have to get some time in for me too..lol.
@simplyshawn (650)
• United States
5 Jul 07
My husband does realize I need a break, because when I don't get one for a long time I get really really irritable. All I do is yell at the kids all day and I'm irritable with my husband too. I have a problem with admiting I need a break and actually taking one. I usually let too much time go by inbetween. Now I have a friend who likes to scrapbook, so every few months we take a day and do that. It's so nice and I get something fun accomplished.
My husband get's plenty of his own fun time, but for some reason I have a hard time taking it on my own. Sometimes he really has to kick me out the door.
Do you belong to a MOPS group? That is at least a short break and you meet other moms in your area. www.mops.org
@momof3inTN (89)
• United States
6 Jul 07
Thanks for the website, I'll check that out. I am the same way when I do get a chance to get out, I have to be pushed out the door sometimes. Even just going to the grocery store by myself is a nice change of pace (no yelling to stop running and quit that fighting). It is good to have a break to regain my sanity. When I don't have at least some time to myself I get very grouchy and snappy at everyone too. When I see myself getting like that lately, I've been demanding time to myself (like I said, even just going to the store), just a few minutes to decompress and regain my sense of self. My husband has many, many, many opportunities to get together with other people (birdwatching group, school classes, labs, work, meeting that he goes to, church) I have very few of those outlets (church....umm....that's it). He just cannot see how life is from my perspective because he has never experienced it, never been in a position of having to live it.
@ebsharer (5515)
• United States
20 May 07
I do and I don't. My husband is very good with our daughter. I am basically a stay at home mom. I am in direct sales so I make my own schedule and often have people come to me so I can work at home. My husband knows once a week I have a meeting and he has to watch Luann. Other then that when he gets home I ask for 15 mintues to myself so I can check my mail or go for a walk what ever I need. Some days he is ok with it and others he just doesn't seem to get it. I really think that he thinks being a stay at home mom is easy. If he only knew... I'm not saying being a mom is hard because really its not its just NON STOP!! I understand where you are coming from you need your time. TAKE IT!! Don't feel guilty!
@lillake (1630)
• United States
20 May 07
Being a stay at home mom is so hard, and you don't get days off or breaks or vacations away from the work. Plus if you mess up there is a much heavier emotional responce. I think moms need breaks now and then to clear their minds and get back to a place where they can care for the kids again. No one can give give give to everyone else and not expect to run dry. You have to refill your personal well.
@MrsWickham1 (464)
• United States
19 May 07
I love my daughter, but I need a parttime job just to get five minutes to myself. You cannot be expected to perform well if all you do is care for your children and not your self. You ned mommy time so that you can be the best mom. My husband tries to take her most of the time on the weekends so I can take a nap or eat breakfast without her in my plate. I do not understand why people are trying to make you feel guilty because you need to get out of the house. When i worked full time I loved every minute of being with my daughter, but now I really need a break and that is why I am getting a part time job just to have a few minutes away and to be able to afford a trip to get a pedicure.
@momof3inTN (89)
• United States
19 May 07
Oh! I would love to be able to get a part-time job! That would be wonderful. Unfortunately, that is not possible. My husband works during the day, gets home at various hours (anywhere from 5pm to 9pm or later) plus he is taking classes working on his Graduate degree. The only time I'd be able to work would be at night and even then, that's when I study (I'm sitting for the bar exam in July) and that's the only time I get to study. So, if I were to get a part-time job, I'd cut into my study time, which is not a good thing. Now, AFTER I pass the bar exam is a completely different situation all together. LOL It helps to keep the children active during the day so I am constantly trying to think up new activities to try with them that they will enjoy. If anyone has any ideas, please, let me know!
@MisterPlus (1915)
• Philippines
19 May 07
I never have to stay with my nephew 24/7. He is a wonderful kid. What we usually do is play and sometimes help him with his assignments. He is 4 years old.
@eachen2002 (889)
• United States
20 May 07
It's always a good idea to get some rest and take some time for yourself.A person can get really stressed out doing the same routine.
@GeorgiaPeachie (66)
• United States
20 May 07
Nope don't have to deal with it. A long time ago, my husband made a comment about "what I did all day" Well, I stopped everything but neccessities. Only my clothes and the baby's clothes got washed. Only enough dishes for me and the baby etc. If he took off clothes and didn't put them in the hamper that is where he stayed. Really quickly he played the conversation in his head and realized his mistake.
I say next time you stay longer. Like a week or so. Then let him realize how much work goes into being a mom.. It isn't a babysitting job for crying out loud!
@Mamabear84 (69)
• United States
20 May 07
i totally agree im a stay at home mom as well and i love my daughter with all my heart and soul, wouldnt change anything for the world, but i need a break sometimes!
@elizabethmarie05 (15)
• United States
22 May 07
He doesn't realize how demanding staying at home actually is.He gets to go to work and socialize with grown ups.Whereas you get to stay home and talk "kid talk".I believe you should trade roles for about a week and then he will see why you need a break and maybe not give you a guilt trip about it.
