I am sick of my life the way it is and I want to get a hold of it!
By Sunny_B
@Sunny_B (32)
Pakistan
May 24, 2007 2:32pm CST
I am seeing a guy from almost 7 years now... and I had totally fallen in love with him...we secretly wedded 2 years back... though he has been religiously brain washed... and he makes a point to put me in emotionally disturbed state. He wants to restricts my movements to meet my friends, to study, to talk to my male cousins or friends... he has changed into a lunatic... and even though i love him so much...it hurts so bad! to take all this crap from him for I dont really believe in the kind of faith he professes... I dont know what to do... last year I thought over and over again to let go of this relationship or stick with it.... i was so disturbed i even saw a shrink to help me out with this... it is so hard to be with out him yet I dont quite see a healthy future for my self If i stay with him... he wants to encage me in a house being his wife and just that no social life nothing... while I wait for hours until he is at work and take a veil and go outside the house if ever with him. This is a complete antithesis to my life as it is right now! I drive, study, have fun with my friends, party! Sometimes I think I should give life a try with him but then again his behavior when becomes apparent is hard to bear... and i wonder how can I spend a life time with him... how can i take this crap from him! but then again I dont quite have any alternatives in life... at all... and it is so hard to be without him... it makes me feel like i am addicted to him or something... no matter how much pain he causes me i still agree to stick to him... cause of fear of the unknown of what will happen to me with out him. I dont know what the hell is freaking wrong with me! I had dreams to be different... I had dreams to go study abroad and discover my true self in light with my true potentials... being in Pakistan in the societal and family setup i have been has been hard on me! I am sick of being who i am... and then he comes up to me and warns me about the wrath i will face from God for being ignorant and then I feel so enraged as if he is the only clergy to God making decisions about me... degrading me... My family hates this guy by the way... and i still want to stick to him and battle on with my family to give us a chance... though i am not sure any more if i want to give him a chance my self... i mean i have given him enough chance... i feel like i have had enough of this crap...but then again i have no escape... I dont have the freaking money to go study abroad... or find some one beyond the dimensions of my entrapped existence...some one who would truly love me for who i am and not criticize me or ridicule me to change... Can i find such a love? I am emotionally drained out and sick to my stomatch when it comes to relationships... in our society men simply abuse women till her very last breath... i dont want to suffer this crap... i mean why the hell did I pursue education and know what is happening around the horizons... Can my lotters help me figure a way out? to be at peace with this relationship or move out of it... beyond this I dont see any alternatives at most my mother is going to find me a suitor from whome I would have to take all this crap too... So sometimes i think why not take the crap from someone you love... For i cant think of marrying any one until i have feelings for that person or some kind of understanding...if only I could get out of this country pursue further education abroad and keep the hopes alive to meet the right person... which is impossible forever if i am stuck where i am...If only I had the resources to pursue education abroad...I got into University of Toronto but couldnt go 'cause of financial issues... then now i think i should apply to comparitively cheaper universities for international students! man I wish some body would paper marriage me! or something!!! so that things would get cheaper for me!!!! I am sicckkk! so sickkk of my life! of being who i am! of putting up with things that i have to put up with, one of these days I might just put an end to my life! i am getting sick of the things the way they are!
2 responses
@raj112 (18)
• Canada
26 May 07
I'm so sorry you are going through this, it might be tough. I feel like if you love someone you shouldn't hurt them in kind of way. You have a lot of dreams and he should support you, not take them away from you. I know in the society you grow up in some men take advantage of their women..my background is Indian and i see this a lot and its wrong. In my opinion if you can leave you should, i might be hard at first but you deserve to be happy. You should put yourself first, and ask yourself do you really want to live like this forever?? If you really want to pursue education, you should go for it and do whatever you can to achieve that, education will take you places.
@MrsWickham1 (464)
• United States
25 May 07
You should never have to change for anyone. Not your parents, friends, adn especially lover. He is your husband not your keeper. I wish my husband would tell me I can't do anything that would be the end. I have been in abusive relationships and this possesive behavior is a sign. I do not want to put words in your mouth or say anything bad about him, but if you love yourself you will get out.
You should not have to give up your dreams for him to be happy that is crazy. Woman are not meant to stay home, cook, clean, and be barefooted and pregnant unless they want to . If you want to study and travel and he won't let you do that, you need to remember you are a smart intelligent woman and you need to do what is best for you. It is not healthy for you to sit there and wonder what if. Take action, it is so scary I know I have been there, but when I told him it was over he rasied his hand and I made him wish he never even looked at me.
You love him I can see that, but you see teh problem teh next step is to take action. Do you stay and take the abuse or leave and hopefully find a man who will love you for who you are and encourgae your dreams?
