Is it right for me to feel hurt
By 3r7sweetie
@3r7sweetie (937)
Philippines
May 29, 2007 9:30pm CST
when my husband constantly praises his sister's mothering abilities in my face and disregards what I do for my children? Since time immemorial, my husband seems to put his sister in a pedestal and seems to follow everything she does and says. I think he believes she is almost perfect. It is not that I am jealous of her. Well, maybe I am. It's just too much for me to be compared to her as a mother, and as a woman. Sometimes, I would tell my husband he should have married someone much like his sister, because I am very much different from her. I couldn't count the times we quarreled over his sister. And oftentimes, I'd always come out the bad one. Once, he wanted to change the vitamins I have been giving my son since he was a baby, to something his sister gives to her kids. I feel insulted everytime he does this, because it makes me feel I never did something good for my kid. I tell him I am the mother and I know what is best for my kid and I want to give the best to him, but he gets angry and tells me his sister have very healthy kids and that she takes good care of them well. It is not that my son is not healthy, in fact, he is. And even during the time that he got sick, his doctor told me that my son had a very strong resistance, giving me the feeling that I am taking care of him right. My husband and I had agreed not to constantly give our son chocolates so that he won't get used to it and not ruin his teeth, but when his sister visited us and told him it is alright, he started buying him chocolates. Sometimes, I just want to explode and leave him and tell him he should have married his sister after all. Tell me, am I wrong to have felt like this? Should I not feel hurt and insulted? I know he wants what is best for the kid, but I am the mother and wants the best for him, too, and am very much trying to give him the best and raise him into a healthy little boy.
5 people like this
15 responses
@tina12679 (1126)
• United States
30 May 07
I think that you have every right to be upset with him. It dont sound like telling him your feeling and stuff seems to be helping either. This is hard, i wander why he takes wht his sister say so much to heart. Did she raise him? he shoudl trust in you and himself to do what is right for your children not to do everything that his sister says becasue she has said or done it. I really haven had this problem with my hubby he pretty much gives me free reign to raise the kids the way i wish and he is there for the ride so to speek. I hope you are able to figure something out and stay strong and know that you are right to feel the way you do after all you are doing what is bst for your kids and that is the best any mother can do.
@3r7sweetie (937)
• Philippines
30 May 07
Thanks for your comment, tina. I plan to talk to him about this again before he leaves for work abroad. I really don't like it when he seems to trust his sister more than me when it comes to the kids. As I have said, I am the mother and I should know better what is good for my children. Sometimes, he'd say that he also has the right to decide for the good of the children, to which I agree, but I don't like him always following the pattern of his sister. I want him to have his own decision, his own ideas, and to trust my motherly love.
@nickventere (1420)
• Zambia
9 Aug 07
I totally agree. I don't think I would treat my wife that way. I know most men would want to compare their wife to their sisters or even mothers!
You do have every right to be upset, and take it from me, you are not being jealous of your sister-in-law. It is quite humiliating for your hubby to expect you to do whatever his sister does.
He married you and should be able to give you a chance to do your best. Of course, criticism is good in a relationship, but it is bad when he does so with reference to his sister.
Just tell him off. If he continues doing it, ask him to why he did not marry his sister in the first place!!! :D
@3r7sweetie (937)
• Philippines
30 May 07
Yes, I know anyone in this kind of situation will be bothered. I kinda told him what if I do this thing to him, what would he feel?
@sassybratky (872)
• United States
30 May 07
wow..i have never met another woman who has just about the same problem i do with my sister in law i thought i was the only one in that boat ..I myself think you have the right to feel insulted because Lord above knows sometimes i feel that same way..is your husband and sister the only kids in his family?..just wondering cause my husband and sister are the only 2 and they only had each other growing up ..at least thats what i am constantly told..heck they even have the same job!! i have almost left him several times over this because i just get plain tired of the situation ..
But rest easy sounds like you are doing a wonderful job at being a mother and just take it with a grain of salt when you can...i know its not easy but you and he are the parents not his sister...
@3r7sweetie (937)
• Philippines
30 May 07
So, we are on the same boat, sassybratky. Hard dealing with this kind of situation, right? My husband and his sister are not the only kids in their family, in fact, they are a dozen. But the two are the best of friends, because as he always tell me, the two of them grew together. And yes, I am tired of keeping up with their acts.
@wasim989 (2298)
• India
30 May 07
I think it is ok for you to feel in such a way. I would advice your husband not to compare you with your sister because I personally feel no one is perfect and everyone has some or the other flaw. I would also advice both you and your husband to sit down and talk about this matter and how this matter is of a great concern to you.
1 person likes this
@3r7sweetie (937)
• Philippines
1 Jun 07
Actually, I talked to him yesterday, just before he left for work. I tried telling him everything I feel. At first, he wouldn't want to listen to me, telling me how good his sister was to him when they were both kids, and how she took care of him. I told him I understand that, but that I also have brothers and sisters that I grew up with but did not let them run my life. In the end, he said sorry. But I don't know if that would end my dilemma. I'm still observing things.
@chaitanyamaddula (111)
• India
1 Jun 07
it is a very complicated problem.it is related to sensitive feeling that every human can have.you have to deal this problem delicatly.try not to argue with him and gently change him towards u.i think u take best care of ur son.i cant understand y he is so hlepless listening to his sister and following her blindly.its not good.he should love u and believe u not her.
@arianasmum (223)
• New Zealand
30 May 07
My partner likes to ring his mother and ask her alot of things and tells me im doing things wrong with my daughter and it does hurt and i tell him so and yes we have the right to be angry as it underminds us as mothers we know our child and know whats best for them just because his sister does things differently doesnt mean it will work for your child and you need to tell him this all children are different no 2 are the same and what works for one dosent always work for the other. You also need to calmly tell him any decissions about your child are to be discussed between the both of you and not changed because someone else says differently, because the raising of your child is both your responsibilities and not anyone elses.
1 person likes this
@evelynlyp (788)
• Japan
30 May 07
If it were me, if my husband was to do that to me, I will hand him the baby and say, "From now on you take care of everything since you know best." He will realise his mistake.
Same thing happen to my sister. They love to follow his mom's advice. They always snub my mom's advice. So my mom gave up and stop doing anything for their baby. Then they found out that his mom isn't so brilliant after all and my mom got to say "I told you so". Well now they don't complain about my mom's style of raising their daughter.
1 person likes this
@Gwapako_28 (2140)
• Philippines
30 May 07
You have all the right to get hurt.Especially he is doing like that to you.Not good.Maybe he can praise his sister but not all the time.He needs to be sensitve too because in the first place you are his wife.
Anyways,try to tell him how he make you feel.Be open and talk to him heart to heart.And at the same time,try to make it a challenge to you for your kids of how you take care for them.
@3r7sweetie (937)
• Philippines
1 Jun 07
I had told him everything I feel yesterday just before he left for work. He said sorry if he made me feel this way. He was just being a daddy. Well, I just hope everything will go fine now and that he won't do it to me again.
1 person likes this
@onabreak2 (1161)
• United States
30 May 07
This is not a problem with your Sister in Law it is a problem with your husband. He needs to give you some respect. Try some reverse psycology and compare him to his sister and see how he likes it. Or compare him to some other man. Any other Man. Give him some of his own medicine. This does not sound like a happy marriage though. I think you should consider counseling or something. Maybe an expert can show him the error of his ways.
@evelynlyp (788)
• Japan
30 May 07
Yea I totally agree with you about starting to praise some other man. Would be good to praise her own brother.
I don't feel her husband is treating her like a wife. A husband is suppose to protect his wife.
1 person likes this
@SilentRose19 (1733)
• United States
31 May 07
I would feel very offended by this, and wouldn't take it at all. I am the mother, and what I say goes lol. My kids get the very best that i can provide them, not what some other relative says is best for them. I understand parental advice or possibly even some guideance, however changing things that we'd agreed on as a couple ( thats a no-go mister). I think that its wrong for your husband to treat you this way, if my husband acted in such a manner i'd probably scream at him. I don't take things like that from anyone, even the man i love. I understand a little constructive criticsim, but thats ridiculous.
1 person likes this
@easyzheng (666)
• China
30 May 07
Yes. You have the right to get angry. If he just wants to give you an example as to how to take care of kids and how to make yourself a good mother or good wife, it's ok that he tells you once and for all. But if he kept mentioning that all the time and made you feel uncomfortable, you could tell him that you didn't need to be reminded again and again and don't want to be compared with other people. You are a mom and wife and you're trying to make yourself a responsible one and good one, that's enough.
1 person likes this
@rainqueen21 (338)
• United States
30 May 07
first of all i feel for you, but my husband isn't crazy to do something like that to me or it would be world war 3 in my house, just reading this is making me mad,honestly speaking i'll be blunt next time your husband says my sister does this or that ask him did he sleep with your sister to have your children?, she is not the mother and no one child is alike, no one knows your children better then you. Your husband needs a reality check. As for you two agreeing on something like the chocolate, you should throw every single one he buys away because you two did not agree on it, basically don't give in to everthing he says or does because his"sister" does it with her kids, stand up for yourself because you are not the bad guy here he is for insulting your motherhood like that, clearly he doesn't appreciate your views as a mother and that is a big problem, in other words if you two agreed on something or he brings his sister into it ...stand your ground.
http://mommysmakemoney.blogspot.com
@3r7sweetie (937)
• Philippines
30 May 07
It is always world war 3 in the house everytime he speaks highly of how good a mother his sister is and how I should be like her.I don't know how to make him understand that he is insulting me. All he says everytime I stress my point is that he is a father and he wants what is best for his child. He doesn't seem to see that I am the mother and also wants the best for my kid. That hurt much.
@evelynlyp (788)
• Japan
30 May 07
Try some different tactic. Maybe you should start by picking some male relation of yours that is married. Everyday let him hear your praises about how good a husband that man is. Talk about how he adores his wife and so on. Say how lucky his wife is to marry such a man, etc etc. Perhaps he will realise what he is doing to you, then he will wake up from his dream world.
2 people like this
@barehugs (8973)
• Canada
31 May 07
When you feel "hurt" you are hurting yourself more than anyone else. Your hurt is caused by resentment, and this emotion is Very hard on your health. Try to think in a positive way about this problem, see the good in your sister-in-law. She cares for your son, or she wouldn't be spending her money buying candies for him. Wanting to explode is not a good reaction to have either. Try to think in a positive way.
@beautyqueen26 (16030)
• United States
31 May 07
Certainly your partner does have some real issues that he needs to deal with. It seems to me that arguing with him over it hasn't solved anything. And, the arguing isn't good for the child either. A child will pick up on the tension and nervousness in the household and start acting out or misbehaving.
For some reason your spouse values his sister's opinion and lifestyle over yours. Perhaps he feels a debt of gratitude to her or feels he owes her something.
I'm not sure what country you're living in. But, here in America, lots of men take their moms advice over their own spouse.
And, it causes lots of friction in the marriage.
It's humiliating and makes a person feel devalued.
Next time your spouse brings up his sister and insists that you raise your child like she raises hers, just smile and agree with him. And, then go on doing exactly what you had been doing before. Don't change anything, just agree with him until he's out of the room. It should be enough to satisfy him. If he questions you about it later, just say that it slipped your mind.
Look for support from friends outside the marriage who can relate to your problem. There are plenty of other moms (offline and online) who go through the same thing everyday. It doesn't matter what he says or doesn't say. Or, even if he never tells you that you're a good mom. As long as you know that you are doing the best for your child. That is really all that matters.
Your opinion matters first and foremost when it comes to your child's well being. So, don't change what you're doing for anyone.
Maybe a family or marriage councelor could talk some sense into him. I hope that he can realize what he is doing wrong and change his ways before he alienates you completely.
@jolly223 (73)
• United States
30 May 07
Sounds like he has more respect for his sister than you. Her opinions obviously take precedent over yours. Maybe you should tell him his sister can make decisions for her family and life and your husband and you should be the ones to make decisions for your family and life.
1 person likes this
@evelynlyp (788)
• Japan
30 May 07
What kind of husband is he? He's treating his sister like a wife. He's got some serious prority issues. Honestly if I am dating a guy who treates his family more as something more important to him compared to me, I will break the relationship with him with no regrets.
I'm not sure what you can do to fix this problem. You are right to feel the way you do. Marriages like this usually don't survive unless they start treating their wife like a wife.
