What to do? (alone with 4 kids, 2 puppies and severely depressed)
By 4monsters4me
@4monsters4me (2569)
United States
May 31, 2007 8:10am CST
This is my situation. My husband moved a few weeks ago because of his job. We won't be able to follow him until school gets out (last day is June 8). Well, we have to wait until he can get time off of work to come get us so it could be as late as July or August.
So I live alone with my 4 children and 2 puppies. My kids are 7 (in 4 weeks), 5 1/2 (6 in October), 4 1/2 (5 in November) and 14 months (in 5 days). The puppies are about 12 weeks old and not house broken. They live on our back deck.
I can't handle it all. Two weeks ago one of the puppies fell off the deck (about a 12 foot drop). She was fine but it put me over the edge. I called my husband in hysterics telling him I couldn't do it anymore. I spent the next day sitting on the couch rocking back and forth and trying not to loose it. He took some time off of work to come back and give me a break (he had been gone for 5 days by then). It has been 2 weeks since he visited (almost) and things are getting bad again.
I have no control over the kids. My own fault but I suffer from horrible depression and severe social anxiety and some pretty bad general anxiety. The depression leaves me feeling exhausted and listless (no matter how much sleep I get or how much caffeine I drink) and the anxiety keeps me from leaving the house for the most part, using a telephone (so I can't call for help when I need it) or asking for any kind of help from the one friend I have. I am completely and totally on my own and isolated. My closest family is 500 miles away (which is where my husband lives).
The house is a disaster. I am supposed to be packing but I don't have the energy. The kids are tearing the house apart faster then I can pack up and the dogs are being completely neglected because there just isn't enough of me to go around.
I went to get breakfast this morning and realized the kids had drank all the milk (they were pouring it into baby bottles they found and drinking it) and all the juice. So I had nothing to give the baby for breakfast. They ate all of the fruit, cheese sticks, hot dogs, jelly and parmesan cheese over the last few days. There is no bread, no cereal. We are pretty much screwed. Sure I could take them all to the store but that requires more energy then I have. Just the thought makes me cry and want to crawl back into bed. It isn't a matter of will power--it is just energy. I can barely get out of bed, let alone walk to the store with 3 kids (the oldest is in school) or strap them all into their carseats and drive 20 minutes to Wal-mart then chase them around the store. I just can't do it.
Now I have no food for lunch or dinner. My husband is coming Saturday morning and I'm not sure we will last that long. Their rooms are a complete disaster and they absolutely refuse to pick up a single thing. So what can I do about it? Nothing. Their rooms are on the other side of the house and I can't stand there and watch them pick up (which takes them about 3-4 hours) because the baby is only allowed in the living room (only safe place for her). If I am watching the other kids then she is all alone in the other room.
Same thing happens with the dogs. I feel so awful for them and I'm considering giving them away because I just can't deal with it all. They are all alone because I can't take them into the yard (we live in an apartment and our yard is not fenced) because they run off and don't come when you call. They won't stay on a leash and if I take them out the baby has to come and then they bite her ears and toes and she doesn't like that. I could sit on the porch with them but then the baby is alone in the living room. I could do that while the baby is napping but then when will I do the dishes or pack or clean the house? The dogs are not allowed inside because they chew everything up and since the kids refuse to pick up a single toy there is lots to choose from.
I get constant migraines (from the stress). I mean from the moment I get up until I go to bed my head is pounding and I want to cry from the pain. My oldest daughter refuses to listen and just does whatever she wants. The kids are going crazy because we never leave the house but we have a standing rule in the house--if you don't pick up your toys you can't do anything else. So they can't go out until they at least attempt to clean their rooms, which they won't do.
I really don't care because I'd rather lay in my nice air conditioned living room (only room with AC) and watch TV. Even TV takes more energy then I have sometimes and I will lay and watch some stupid program because lifting my arm to change the channel is too much. I am not exaggerating. If you have never been depressed and have never felt this way don't presume that you understand how I feel. I used to love to walk and always kept my place at least neat. Now I just walk over the trash on the floor and the toys and clothes because bending over would be too much for me.
I am literally counting down the hours until my husband's plane gets here on Saturday. I have no clue what we are going to eat. I didn't get breakfast today since there is no milk (didn't have any yesterday either). I have some sandwiches I bought yesterday (when I had some momentary energy) that I can have for lunch. Not sure what the kids will have. I think there is enough bread and jelly for 2 sandwiches. I guess the baby can have chicken nuggets but I have nothing to go with it except crackers. Dinner will be left over stroganoff. Once that is gone I am out of food, I think. I don't have milk to make mac and cheese or cereal. I'm out of bread for sandwiches. I just need to make it through today and tomorrow then my husband will be here and I can get some sleep and we can get some groceries.
Well now that I wasted what little energy I had I better force myself to do the dishes and clean the kitchen (there is jelly smeared everywhere since they decided to eat an entire jar of jelly the other day instead of sandwiches). Then I have to clean up the mess on the deck, feed the dogs, fill up their pool with water, play with them, change the baby's diaper, play with her, etc etc etc. Maybe I will get to finally eat before 1pm.
8 people like this
17 responses
@4cuteboys (4099)
• United States
31 May 07
Wow I am so sorry. I am in the same situation pretty much. I am alone, with 4 kids as well, they are 7 1/2, 5, 2 and 7 months, and I am pregnant with number 5 due October 3rd. My husband is air force and just got sent on a deployment to Riyadh for 6 months, while I am in new jersey with the kids. No dogs though. My kids have gotten better slowly about keeping their room clean. I just keep reminding them to put stuff away after they are done playing with it and that has helped. My 2 year olds room is a disaster and I dont even both straightning up the blocks because within 5 minutes he goes in and trashes it because he thinks it's funny. I dont think I am depressed but I do get sad alot now that my husband is gone and i'm forced to do everything myself. I dont always get the dishes done when they should. If they are both napping, I take a break and have some ME time, because I dont get any time anyway else. I dont even watch tv anymore, it doesn't even seem worth it. I like getting on the computer, it helps. I am going to have my baby while my husband is still gone, and that stresses me out all the time.
Take care of yourself, if you need a break can you put the little ones in a playpen or something for a bit? I hear ya about food. We have plenty of "kid food" but nothing I would actually want to eat and it isn't worth it to pack everyone up and go to the store. Can you get delivery? I am glad you'll see your hubby soon though. take care, i'll be thinking about you.
3 people like this
@4cuteboys (4099)
• United States
31 May 07
Wow you took the words out of my mouth! I think the same thing, why do things have to be so hard for me?!
wow! well i am happy your hubby gets to come home, I think this will really help out. and I understand about the bedtime. My kids are pretty good about it but they were awful for a long time, they just had to see that I was putting my foot down and a few weeks later they got the idea that they couldn't get away with it, though i did all that while my hubby was here, i couldnt have started all that alone. Well I think your strong, and doing a great job.
1 person likes this
@Scarlettfox (3)
• United States
31 May 07
I know that things are hard and that you are stressed out. You need to decide its time to put your foot down on these kids and not let them take advantage of your current emotional state. YOU will be fine, You will make it through, but you have to believe that you are capable of doing so. I do not have 4 kids, I have three, I know it gets hard, I deal with the daily stress of it constantly and basically on my own. My fiance is only around on weekends due to his job and yes its rough. I know its hard, but you can get through this.
3 people like this
@addysmum (1225)
• Canada
31 May 07
You need to do several things. Start with going to your doctor to get some help for your depression, then you need to come down on the older kids and get them to help you. My 3 year old cleans up his mess every night before bed and he knows that is his job. My son also feeds the animals with our help every day. Your 7 year old is old enough to feed and water the pups. Start a chore list and give them jobs that are age appropriate. You need to find someone to take the older kids for an hour or so every day to give you time to pack, shop and do the things you have to do. Once the boxes are packed the kids are to leave them alone, and be strict with them you are the parent and what you say goes and don't let them just do as they please. I know you are over whelmed right now but if they would help things would be better so make them help. Children look for their boundaries and you have shown them there are none when dad isn't around so act as if he is and start being their mom. Tough love goes a long way with kids. Just remember things will get better.
1 person likes this
@addysmum (1225)
• Canada
5 Jun 07
I am sorry to say this but it sounds to me like you have a very bad case of the undisciplined kids. I really don't want to offend you but you need to come down on your kids hard. Your older kids are old enough to be helping out on simple house chores and you need to lay the rules out plain and simple. They do as you say or pay the price. Not treats, Pack up their toys, ALL of them, no toys, no t.v., no outside activity, no anything until they fall in line and start to behave. You need to get them under control you are the parent and need to act that way. Your job is to guild and discipline your children to make them healthy productive citizens. Time to take responsibility for yourself and your kids. Get the help you need right now, quit putting it off, and don't make excuses just do it, go to your doctor right now. Then get a handle on your family. You can't expect your kids to know how to behave you need to show them and if you don't be consistent in your behavior then you can't expect that of them. If you aren't responsible then they won't be. If you find reasons not to do things then they will too. May I suggest emptying out their rooms of everything but their beds and when the act up put them there to stay until they can behave, don't respond to tantrums and don't give in they stay until they are quit, and can come out to do as you told them to. You are making excuses for them, you are to sick to fight, to tired to stand up to them, there are to many of them, they do it anyway; time to stop it and control it. My family is a large one, I have 3 aunts and uncles on my dads side and 3 on my moms and my grandmothers had control. My brother-in-law has 4 kids and his wife has control. My best friend has 4 kids and she has control even with post-partum depression and other health problems. I have 3 aunts with 6 kids, 8 kids and 14 kids and they have total control. Take charge of your family, you will be happier and so will your kids and they will be allowed to go over to peoples house if they have discipline and understanding of good manors. Again sorry this is so in your face and if I offend you but I have just laid it out as it should be without the sugar coating.
@4monsters4me (2569)
• United States
5 Jun 07
My kids can't do anything with the dogs. They are afraid of them. Today my son said they were climbing on something on the porch and got into a bog of charcoal. I have a horrible migraine today so I told him to go out there and pick up the charcoal and get the dog down. But he couldn't do it. As soon as he went out there the dog started jumping on him and that scared him and he went back in so I had to do it.
How exactly do I "make" them do anything? I tell them to pick up the mess they made. They just look at me and go back to what they were doing, ignore me completely or tell me "no" and then go back to whatever. Or they throw themselves on the floor and say they won't do it and refuse to move until I leave the area. I can't stand around waiting for them to do their stuff because then the baby is all alone in the other room pulling stuff off of shelves, getting into the garbage, spilling my drink, etc. I can't be in 2 places at once and they know it. So as soon as I leave to deal with the baby they go back to making a mess.
@4monsters4me (2569)
• United States
6 Jun 07
You're not offending me. I realize they are out of control and are monsters. I don't know what to do, though. How do you make them stay in their room, other then putting a lock on it which, I am told, is illegal. The girls don't even have a door on their room so they are free to come and go as they please.
The only way to keep them in is to sit in the hall watching them for how ever long they are being punished. While I am doing that then what about the baby in the living room? Or the dogs tearing up the porch? Or the dishes? The second I walk away they leave their room and go do something else. They eat all the food and destroy the bathroom. If I happen to go do something on the porch with the dogs or use the bathroom they run off to the living room and start watching TV or go in my room and get into my stuff (just realized the took and lost my class ring I had on my dresser among other things--I'll probably never find it).
We have a chore list and a chart. They get a sticker every time they finish a chore. I made it easy. They even get a sticker for brushing their teeth before bed. But they won't do it. If I ask them to pick up their toys so they can get their sticker they throw themselves on the floor and beg to do it after lunch or dinner or in the morning or whatever.
How do I keep them from messing with the boxes. I am not there 24/7 with them. If they are in the room they are unsupervised. What stops them from getting into the boxes? What do I do to them if they do get in the boxes? I have already taken everything from them. In polite society spanking isn't allowed so what do I do. They know there is nothing I can do to punish them so they don't care. I was taking their meals away but I was told that was wrong and people threatened to call CPS on me. It was the only thing that would make them do their chores but now they know I can't make them go to bed without dinner so why pick up before dinner when they know they will still get to eat?
What do I do when they won't stay in their beds at bedtime? I can't force them to stay in their beds? I can't tie them down. By bedtime I am so tired I can barely keep my eyes open let alone stand in their door waiting for them to fall asleep. They think it is a game. If I am watching the girls so they don't get out of bed my son is playing in his room, getting into food in the kitchen or playing in the water in the bathrooms (because I can't watch him in his room and the girls at the same time). If I am watching my son then the girls sneak off to the living room to watch TV or get out of bed and play or read a book. While I'm watching them the baby is alone in the living room screaming her head off or getting into the garbage. So what do I do? I just physically can't be in 10 places at once and they know that.
Then the biggest problem is how do I "show" them how to do their chores when I am so freaking tired all the time. I barely have the energy to change the channel on the remote, let alone clean a bedroom. I used to (when I was feeling better) get in their rooms once a week and organize everything. They were supposed to help me do this. My oldest's idea of "helping" is sitting there watching and whining that it isn't fair that she has to pick up more then her sister (which was a lie because her sister picks up 10 times more then she does). She would pick up 1 toy from a pile then spend 2 minutes wandering around the room trying to remember where to put it. If at any time I stopped (like to use the bathroom or check on another kid) she would immediately stop and start crying that no one was helping her. She refuses to pick up a single thing unless someone "helps" her. Her idea of helping is that for every toy she picks up the person helping picks up 10 things. Yet she absolutely refuses to help anyone else pick up. I have never met such a selfish child.
Every day after breakfast (while she is at school) her brother and sister pick up almost all the toys. These are toys that all 3 played with the night before. After that is done they get out a few they want to play with. By the time my oldest gets home at 3:30 the room is messy again but since she wasn't there to play with those toys she won't pick them up because it isn't her mess. Nevermind her sister picked up the mess she made the night before. Doesn't matter to her. So in her mind she never has to pick up. She just leaves it for her sister to do while she is at school. If I leave the mess from the morning for her she dawdles doing her homework so there is no time to pick up. Then after dinner she promises to do it after school the next day but never does. On the weekends she would rather lay in her bed then actually pick up the toys and will literally lay there all day rather then pick up.
If in that time the other kids pick up and I decide to take them out or do something fun she gets mad and throws a tantrum and says it isn't fair that she can't go out too. Then she stands in the door way screaming at the top of her lungs the whole time we are out. I can't make her go inside because I can't leave the other kids alone so either we all go or no one goes. So what do I do in that case?
See--I don't see what I am supposed to do? I don't have any boxes or bags to pack up their toys, nor do I have the energy. As I type this all I can think of is going back to bed. I woke up with a migraine (the same one I had yesterday). Every move I make feels like someone is jamming a screw driver into my head. The baby is ready for a nap--so do I lay down and try and get rid of my headache or do I stand in the hall for an hour waiting for the kids to pick up (which they won't do)? What? I don't know what to do? I suck at being a mother. I can't handle all this crap.
@copperkitten (3473)
• United States
31 May 07
WOW!! you have alot on your plate. First I would throw every toy laying on the floor away. Then maybe they will think about picking up next time.
Do you have a friend who would be willing to come help you?? You need someone else there. Even if they just sit with the baby so you can get some things done.
I would make my children clean up there mess. No please clean up. No you take them all and set them down for a chat. You need to explain that if they dont help you clean they will NOT have any more toys and a sore but. Tell them you are stressed and if they dont start listening your going to expload. If you have to spank them then you have to. It seems they need it.
As far as the food goes you need to tell them that they eat when its time and they can have a snack but other than that they need to stay out of the kitchen. If they cant then tell them they wont get anything till they can listen.
You should probably get rid of the dogs since you have so much on your plate already. That or make the oldest take care of them like feed and watter and walk them.
I am so sorry for what you are going through and wish I could help. I really do!! I hope all gets better and maybe your husband can straten them out when he gets home.
Good luck and best wishes!!!
1 person likes this
@4monsters4me (2569)
• United States
31 May 07
The only friend I have here has 2 kids of her own (4 1/2 and 9 months) and is 5 months pregnant. She is just as busy as I am. The only "breaks" I get is when all the kids are outside playing together and the 2 of us sit with the babies and chat. There was one day a couple weeks ago that the kids ran to her house while I was cooking. I thought they were out in the yard and went inside to get something and came back and they were gone. I knew where they went though because I heard them yell that her daughter was outside.
She said it was fine that they came over to play but I feel bad because she is tired being pregnant and dealing with her 2 kids, let alone my older 2 or 3 kids. But because of their behavior they aren't allowed to go to friends' houses anymore. They can't go outside if they don't pick up their toys.
I really don't want to throw away their stuff. They actually don't have a lot (in my opinion). My son has a train set, a huge collection of toy cars and some GI Joes and action figures. The girls have Bratz dolls, polly pockets and blocks. There is a bunch of each but it doesn't seem like a lot when it is organized and put away. But instead they'd rather throw it all on the floor and not be able to find anything. On top of that they treat their clothes and books the same way. They get dressed then decide they want something different, change and throw the other stuff on the floor or in the laundry when it is clean. It drives me nuts. They just don't care. And if I take it all away then what do they do? Stand around bugging me for hours on end. But they can't earn their toys or privileges back if they have no chores (all their chores revolve around cleaning their rooms). It just seems hopeless.
And what's really making me mad is now they are going into my bedroom and making a mess in there. I have a bunch of confiscated toys stored in there. Does that matter? No, they just walk in and take what they want, throw trash all over my bed, play in the baby's bed, dig through boxes and throw stuff every where. They are in there right now--while the baby was trying to sleep. I want to cry. The baby can't even get a good nap with them around. They have zero respect for anyone in this house. I guess I need to go spank some little butts.
1 person likes this
@copperkitten (3473)
• United States
31 May 07
Dont actually throw the toys away. Put them in a garbage bag and hide it in a closet so they think its gone. They can do other chores around the house to earn them back. Like they can vaccuum, put dirty dishes in the sink, put there laundry in the laundry room, sweep, take the garbage out side, make there bed, put clean clothes away, ect... All but the baby can do these. They are old enough to start learning responcibility.
As far as them changing there clothes all the time, dont do the laundry and when they have to wear dirty clothes they will think about cleaning up and taking care of them.
They have to do 2 days worth of chores and behaving to get 2 toys back. I did this with my boys and now they pick up the first time I ask. If they do the chores but misbehave they dont get anything. They have to do both. Have you ever thought of a reward chart?? Write down what each has to do everyday. Put a sticker next to it when its done. Say if they do a weeks worth they get 2$ and 3 toys back. If they dont do it then they dont get anything. They will be more willing to do it if they know you mean buisness. DONT give in!! Keep with it and in time things will get better.
If there in your room making a mess sit them in a corner. 1 min per year. Like 5 gets 5 min. If they cry to bad. They have to respect your things as well and your privacy!
Well thats all I have for now. Good Luck!!
@warriorsdaughter (791)
• United States
31 May 07
And I thought I had it bad! I have 4 kids as well...16, 13, 2, 9 mths. all boys! My 16 & 13 yr olds are lazy! They won't help with anything. There bedroom is worse then a junk yard. Doesn't take me long to do the dishes when I feel up to it as most of the dishes are piled in my older boys room, dirty of course because they refuse to bring them to the kitchen. When they finally do bring them all down it is shortly after I just completed doing the dishes. That pile will sit there until I or my hubby decides to do them again.
I do have help once my hubby comes home from work, but all day long I have no help. I have been depressed for several years now, but I do have some good days to where I can actually clean the whole house and tend with the 4 kids, 1 dog, 2 cats, 1 fish, and 12 pond fish (they take care of themselves).
We have no money until friday so we hardly have any food in the house and I can't go buy any when we have no money. Let alone I have no vehicle because he has it at work. Gas is too high to drive him 15 miles to work and then come home and then go back to pick him up. I am stranded at home with all the kids and it drives me nuts!
My 2 yr old will help me out with picking up toys, taking out trash, etc...pretty sad a 2 yr old is willing, but 16 & 13 yr olds refuse!
I could go on and on with my story, but this is about you and you need some help! I am not for medication for this and that, except for an antibiotic if your sick, but in your case it sounds like you need an antidepressant and fast! As for your kids...you didn't say if you spanked them so I am assuming you don't. I would take your hand, bend them over your knee, and paddle there butts. Your the parent and they are young enough to be taught to clean their rooms, help with dishes, trash, animals, etc...Don't make the mistake I did and let it go. Thats probably why my 2 yr old will help me out, I learned from my mistakes with the 2 older boys.
Give your kids a box or 2 and have them pack there own rooms up. They don't eat or play until done. Then you won't have to worry about toys all over the place. There are plenty of things kids can do without toys or allow them 1-2 toys and thats it.
You need to take a breather though and pull yourself together. I know it is hard as I have been there and at times I fall back into a deep depression. Your kids need you and right now they know they can get over on you because of the state your in. Pull yourself together and put your foot down! Life will get better! You can do it!
1 person likes this
@4monsters4me (2569)
• United States
5 Jun 07
haha--no, we spank. We have tried everything. They really don't care. Spank them, time outs, no privleges, no dinner, no anything. They don't care a single bit. Nothing gets them to listen. I take all their toys so they destroy my room instead.
All I hears is "I promise to do it..." fill in the blank but when that times comes they say they never said that or promise to do it another time. We have no crossed a line into dangerous. They were caught playing on the roof next door (we live on the 2nd floor and the building we are connected to is only 1 floor) and standing on the railing of our 2nd floor deck. They are turning the stove on and climbing onto counters to reach stuff that I have put up high. I don't know what else to do and fear CPS will be here any day because of the stuff they do. When they were caught on the roof I went off on them. I was screaming and ranting because I was so scared someone other then my neighbor had seen them and called the cops.
I told them what they did was so dangerous that the cops would take them away forever. I wanted to scare them. They were all in tears and promising never to do it again. They haven't climbed onto the roof again (I locked the window) but they are still climbing through the window onto our deck (where they are not supposed to be), going out the front door alone, etc.
I am at a complete loss. My husband comes and they promise they will behave and help me out and as soon as he is gone they are back to the way they were. And I mean as soon as he is out the door. Last time it was as soon as we dropped him off at the airport it was back to whining, crying, hitting and screaming and getting into everything. They don't care.
@kjc1981 (45)
• United States
31 May 07
i'm so sorry your going through such a rough situation even though it seems like your gonna loose it things will get better. i thinkyou should try to get yourself out of deppression which i know is very hard. easier said than done but just look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself enough is enough. you gotta try to pull yourself out of it if not for yourself then for your kidsi also really think maybe you should give away the pups its just to much for you right now but just hang in there it will get better before you know it your husband will be there!!!!
1 person likes this
@4monsters4me (2569)
• United States
5 Jun 07
I don't think there is such a thing as "pulling" myself out of it. I have tried that for about 20 years. I have my horrible days and my "not so bad" days. I will never be normal, just not so depressed. I have tried. I can't just say "today I will not be depressed" It doesn't work that way when you have a chemical imbalance. I can't make my brain be balanced again and no meds I have tried seemed to work so I am stuck feeling and being this way.
@copperkitten (3473)
• United States
4 Jun 07
What the heck are you talking about?? Kill them all??? You need some help buddy!!!!
@babygrl22004 (238)
• United States
31 May 07
Wow that's alot to deal with all alone! Im sorry you're having to go through this all without having someone to turn to. Is there a babysitter yall have used in the past that may be able to come give you a break or even just help out a little around the house when things start getting so crazy? maybe that may help or a family friend or something like that that could take the kids off your hands for a little while perhaps take them out somewhere so you could get some alone time?
1 person likes this
@4monsters4me (2569)
• United States
5 Jun 07
We've never had a babysitter. The last time we went out alone to dinner was in April 2005 (2 years ago) but that was while we were moving. The last time we went out for enjoyment was July 2004 (3 years ago) when we went on our only vacation we have had since our honeymoon.
If I can't handle the kids there is no way I would leave them with anyone else. The only other person that can handle them is my sister in law but she lives 800 miles away and I haven't seen her in a year (she took the middle two kids for 2 weeks last summer and complained the whole time we were taking advantage of her when she was supposed to be helping me out while I cared for my father who had a heart attack and open heart surgery).
@friend2friends (1636)
• United States
1 Jun 07
I have several suggestions for you, but only going to make a couple.
Seems money is not really an issue since you didn't stress any points on financials.
You need to find a distrinutor and I'm sure there are several here in mylot. There are several good nutritionals on the market. Not at Wal-mart shelve vitamins. Waste of money.
Order you a bottle of Noni Juice, Vemma, X20, Goji, there all good and will boost your energy and get put the nutrients that you are lacking taht is effecting your moods, thinking and energy.
The problem is not your husband being gone, the problem is what your body is needing.
Next. You have to much time on your hands, kids have to much energy.
You and the kids get out of the house and get some fresh air, exercise and go walking. You could use the exercise and the kids can burn off some energy.
@Qcorianne (26)
• United States
1 Jun 07
While I am not yet a mother, I have been on the child side of this equation. My father is a computer programmer and would be at work for literally days at a time, often going on business trips that lasted up to 3 or 4 weeks for training. My mother was diagnosed with Multiple Schlerosis when I was 6, so stress (there were 4 of us at the time, later 5) and heat (we lived in Texas) would start relapses that would leave her bed-ridden. She was also working fulltime in store inventory, so some days we were all alone. When she quit before my youngest brother was born, she was home all day but usually couldn't do anything at all. The only way anything got done around the house was my mother and father sat my older sister and I down when my mom was diagnosed. They told us that because we were being homeschooled and mom was sick, they needed our help in taking care of the household. They were depending on us to get things done for us and our siblings. You might give this approach a try. Have your husband sit down with them while you and he explain what their expected roles in the household are. Don't be afraid to spank them if they keep acting up. You also might try sending the confiscated toys with your husband when he goes back to work if possible. A chain lock on the fridge is alright too if they aren't going to respect food rules. My mom had a rule that you had to ask permission for a snack. Try getting this one going.
As for the depression, everyone seems to be pushing medication. While it's good if you can give it a full chance (at least a week at the beginning of nothing distracting you), you really don't have the opportunity for that. The only way things are going to get better is if your kids can be gotten under control. If possible, I'd also suggest finding something that helps you unwind: Music, MyLot, Killing something in a computer game, Movies, Handy crafts, Playing with the baby. Whatever it is, make time for it. This is actually how most people who successfully overcome depression overcome it, by dealing with what is causin your depression. This is the method I have found better than medication as it impaired other mental operations.
Above all, I hope you survive these days. Good luck with your move. If I lived near you, I'd come and give you some help.
@Woodpigeon (3710)
• Ireland
1 Jun 07
I have read what you and others have written here and you have already gotten a great deal of good advice. Your first priority is getting some food into that house through a delivery or whatever and simply hanging in there until your husband arrives.
Just one more week to go. You can do it.
I don't know if you have already sought out medication for your anxiety and depression, but if not I think it is something you need to seriously consider. Or maybe try a new kind or have it adjusted? You are not going to have happy kids without a happy mommy.
About the dogs: As much as I hate suggesting giving pets away, given the circumnstances, it might be in everyone's best interests. They will continue to be a major handful until they are at least 2-3 and it soundslike you have so much to deal with already. It'll be easier to find them homes when they are still puppies rather than when they are 3 or 4.
I don't mean to judge you at all. The children, the puppies, the heat, the move and packing, your husband being gone, it is just too much. Once you are in your new place and settled, you can tackle the discipline issues, but for now try to hang in there. BAg up their toys and lock them up so you don't have to keep cleaning the same mess. Maybe drag the kids' mattresses all into the same room and make them sleep together, then you could lock the other rooms and tackle them without them getting wrecked as you go, if you feel up to it. Feed them the easiest, crap food you want for the next week, whatever makes life easier. You just have to get through it, jus a few more days, and later on you can deal with the bigger hurdles.
@laridbz (1280)
• China
30 Jun 07
Sweetie, I'm really sorry to hear about your condition. I guess the reaction your children have are a reflection of the depression you're going through. Children always know what's going on around them, even if we think they are not capable to understand. Sometimes they aren't yet, but still they know something is not right.
But there's something I can't understand. You said you don't have the energy to lift your arm and change the TV channel, but how come you have the energy to type such a big post and comment on all the responses you're getting? Don't get me wrong, I'm not implying you're lying or anything like that. I just want to know what motivates your to write. Do you feel relieved when you share it, or something?
Well, good luck, I hope things are in order in your house!
@maehan (1439)
• United States
31 May 07
I know it is tough on you with 4 children, 2 pets and a house. Though I had only 2 boys that already 5 & 6 which are more discipline and willing listen now.
Is your 1st and 2nd kid started schooling? If so, use that time to ease yourself a little. I know it is difficult, just try it dear, ok?
When children gets together, they become wild or like my boys use to ask:" Mom, are we monkey once upon a time, otherwise, why do we love monkey bars and we are SO MISCHEVIOUS."
When I am in my hometown prior to USA, when my boys and my neighbor 3 boys[7, 5, 4) (my neighbor use to ask me take care of their kids when they need to have a quiet time once a week) are together, they will scream, yell and jump. I will ask 5 of them to sit at the table with me together. I make them do coloring, writing and reading. Then, I put them into the playroom (the playroom is completey empty with mattress only) so I can prepare their lunch or dinner. Afternoon nap is from 2 ~ 3pm. Whether they want it or not, they have to lie down. During the evening, off to the room at 8.30pm, I will read them bedtime story. By 9.00pm, light off, like it or not, close your eyes and sleep otherwise I will take their priviledge the following day.
I know it is difficult initially, do it gradually as kids are still kids. They need to be nurture as they are young and innocent. As such, disciplinary and schedule/time-table is required most of the time.
Take good care of yourself.
1 person likes this
@4monsters4me (2569)
• United States
31 May 07
Yes, my kids are more mischievous together. Only my oldest is in school. She leaves at 8am and gets home at 3:30. Once she is home all hell breaks loose in the house. She is always so tired and cranky from staying up late that she whines and cries about everything and demands to get her own way. She gets her brother and sister into all sorts of trouble and they act worse when she is around because she is their example.
I wish my kids took naps. There is no way to force them. I can't make them stay in their beds or rooms and we live in an apartment so their toys have to be in their rooms (there is no other place for them). My 4yo will usually take a nap every day but my 5 and almost 7 year olds will not. The 5yo will occasionally fall asleep during the day--once or twice a week depending on how much sleep he is getting. My oldest has not napped since she was 2. But I don't think there has been a day in over a year where all 3 of my younger kids were napping at the same time.
Lights out is supposed to be 8pm in our house but it means nothing. I can't stop them from getting up and turning on their lights short of taking the light bulbs out or tying them to their beds. That is unless I sit in front of their door for 3 hours. When I do stuff like that they think it is a game and try every way they can to get out of their room--it's like a challenge. I have already taken away all other privileges. They are no longer allowed to watch TV, color, play outside, play games, computer time, fun snacks (like cookies and chips), dessert, etc. The only thing they are allowed to do is play with their toys in their rooms or read to themselves. There is nothing left to take away but their toys but I just don't have the energy to pack it all up and they know it.
I tried so hard to get some stuff done today. I cleaned up the mess the dogs made, filled their pool with fresh water, fed and watered them and then tried to do dishes. I did 6 bowls and that was it. I was so exhausted and my head was killing me that I gave up and laid down on the couch. I am out of energy. I just ate and tried to straighten up the mess in the living room and couldn't do it.
1 person likes this
@HighReed1 (1126)
• United States
1 Jun 07
Dear, I am sooo sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed! I've felt that way too.
Have you seen a doctor for the depression and anxiety? I know there are medications that can help with those.
It sounds like you need to lay down the law to your kids. If they don't pick up their toys, they get packed and they don't see them. I did that with my boys and they got the message pretty quick. If they don't help clean up their messes, don't fill their pool. I know it sounds mean, but you need to get some control over them now before you go nuts.
Go to the store and put all kids in the cart. If you have to, get a second cart to put the food in. That way the kids are in front where you can see them.
You might consider giving the puppies away. It sounds like you have a full plate with just the kids! Then you would have 1 less worry and the puppies would be with someone who has time and energy for them. I don't have the energy. That's why I never got a dog after I had kids.
Have you considered a playpen for the baby so she can go in other rooms with you? She would be safe and you could do what you need to.
Is there some kind of youth program your kids could be enrolled in? Or something with a church? They would be with kids their own age and you could get some sanity time.
Again, FIRST step: check about the medicines! I know how depression can rob you of energy to move. Anxiety can keep you in tears 24/7. I've been there.
I hope these ideas help. If you want any other ideas, let me know. My kids were ADD and little monsters at times.
@4monsters4me (2569)
• United States
5 Jun 07
I've already taken away all fun things in this house. Crayons have been thrown away because they color on the walls (mostly my 7yo). They are no longer allowed to watch TV or movies until they decide to do their chores. They are not allowed to go outside to play (or swim) until they pick up. They can't have fun snacks (like fruit chews, chips or cookies) only healthy ones (which they still love but I know they would really like to have some cookies once in awhile). I no longer play games with them or do much of anything with them except yell.
I have tried every method I can think of. I have told them if they clean up XYZ then we can go to the park. That results in them screaming for 2 hours because we can't go to the park before they pick up because they have too much to pick up. So I tried taking them to the park first. Well then they had no reason to pick up once we got home because they already got what they wanted.
Right now most of the girls' toys are boxed up. Has that made a difference? No. They just got into the box and took some of them back, through the other stuff they had on the floor, knocked over their bookshelf (throwing the books everywhere) and emptied most of their drawers. There are clothes everywhere. When I tell them to put the clean ones away they either put them in the laundry basket, shove them under the bed or in the closet or cram them back into the drawer. I wonder why I even spend an hour folding them at the laundromat everytime I do laundry.
My son wets the bed but refuses to wear his pull-ups (just to be defiant) then pees all over himself. So his room and his clothes all smell like pee. Since I don't have a washer I can't just throw a load in and can't afford to go every day to the laundromat. He is out of clean clothes right now so he smells like pee. Hedoesn't care. His sisters don't seem to care. I gag whenever I go by him because the smell is so bad. It is embarrassing. He isn't allowed in any rooms but the kids' bedrooms because he brings his stink where ever he goes.
@lovespecialangel (3632)
• United States
1 Jun 07
While you are reading this, please don't take anything to offense. It's not meant that way, I promise! I know how you feel as far as being depressed goes. I am what they call an anit-depressant. It took me several years to come to grip with that and to seek help. That is the first thing you need to do. You need to seek medical help for your depression, if you haven't done so already. Trust me the medicine does help. I no longer take my medicine every day, because I have learned how to cope with stress alot better. Which is something that you can do too. But you have to know that it takes time. As far as your kids being out of control and your house being a mess, your 7, 5, and 4 year old are old enough to help you around the house. It's going to take a lot of patients and being consitant on your part, but with time you can get them to behave better for you. Start by letting them know that if they don't pick up their toys, they won't have any to play with. But you have to make yourself stick to it. I know its hard but you can do it! You just have to have faith. Good luck and I hope you get better soon!!
@samtaylorskykierajen (7977)
• Canada
1 Jun 07
I am so sorry to hear about how miserable you are feeling and can relate because I have felt just as miserable in the past . I get migraines all the time and they tell me it is from all the stress I am under and that I have to talk to someone . I have tried pills in the past for depression and have never found they worked but then I ususally feel so terrible , I don't give them a chance to work and always flush them , which I realize is a part of the depression . Now I am being told I suffer from anxiety and they want to put me on more pills and I refuse because I have a lot of health problems and simply can't afford more medication and am so sick of taking pills all the time even if I do need them .
I know this is hard to do when you feel this miserable but have you tried giving your friend a call and maybe seeing if there is anyway she could go out and give you a hand . Just having someone around may make you feel better and it would be someone who cares about you and would give you someone to talk to other then the children all day as I have found that sometimes it feels that all I do is spend my day talking to the children as I have five of them and I just need a bit of adult time with other adults .
I realize you love the dogs and the children do as well but it sounds like you have your hands full and you just don't know what to do anymore and maybe giving them away would not be such a bad idea . You could always get more dogs later on when things are not so hectic in your life and you are not feeling so much of the pressure .
I really wish I had more to offer you as I know how misreable a time this is and no one can say for how long it will last and I do realize that when you are feeling this way that the hardest thing to do is ask someone for help but if you can work up your courage to go speak to someone you will feel better . I know because I am doing this now . It is not a quick fix but it will help you to realize that you are not alone in feeling like this and that it can happen to anyone at anytime . It is hard for others who have never felt this way to understand what you are going through but there are so many people who are going through the same ordeal and they can be a help to you when you feel that you have no where to go .
I wish you all the best and hope that things will start looking better for you soon . Best of luck and sorry I wan't able to offer you more .
@Shivansh84 (6)
• Canada
1 Jun 07
Hi...
make some single person ur friend..it be a boy or gurl...
coz he won't have other liabilities to attend to....
