Is a friends Ex Truly off Limits?
By drknlvly6781
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
United States
June 14, 2007 5:45pm CST
About four years ago I and my children's father were friends with his schoolmate and his girlfriend of twelve years. I and the friend's girlfriend were okay, but we didn't talk much outside of when all four of us were together. I was actually closer to the guy, as it was his shoulder I usually cried on when things were going wrong with my childrens father and I. Fast forward to just last year, and about six months apart, I and my children's father broke up, then the school mate and his girlfriend.
A few weeks ago the girlfriend called me, and in talking to her it was revealed that she had broken up with him. I had never told anyone this, but I secretly liked the schoolmate for some time. He happened to call while I was on the phone with her, as they were still friends, and in discovering that I was on the other line, proceeded to fuss at me for never calling him. I responded that I never had his number. She proceeded to give it to me, and I called him. I felt that since neither I nor he was in a relationship, that would be a good time to let him know how I really felt about him. He was interested as well, so we had a short fling.
Unfortunately the ex found out. After we had called it quits for now, she called me blessing me out for "coming behind her" I let her get her anger out, not offering any explanation or retort. But the whole time I was thinking, "Why are you worried about who he dates since you broke up with him?" Not many would share my view, but I feel life is too short to be worried about who a person has dated before I come into the picture. You may miss out on the love of your life, just because a person has dated someone you knew. What do you think, is a man off limits just because you were acquainted with his ex?
6 people like this
18 responses
@bobbyjoe143 (1287)
•
14 Jun 07
as this woman was no great friend of yours, it should not matter to you that she got a bit mad, she would have probably gotten mad if it had been someone she had never met before, perhaps she just still care for him more than she was letting on.
you are a grown woman, and it is up to you who you date, do not be dictated to by anyone, if you like a guy, go for it. my only suggestion would be: don't date a guy that is your best friends ex lol, i have been friends with my best friends for 13 years, and we have never had a fight... why you might ask? well we have never dated each others exs lol.
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
14 Jun 07
I'm not going to say she was a bad friend, its just that we never got close. I don't think I could date a best friends ex though. I feel I may know too much about the guy to consider it lol. She did say that it was different than my and my kids father's relationship, because they were together for 12 years, but my whole thing is, why did you give him up if you still care about him like that? Why find a somebody else if you still feel that way. BTW our decision to stop the romantics had nothing to do with her, at least on my end. Maybe he made the decision after she talked to him. I know he still cares for her, but has no plans to go back.
1 person likes this
@pallidyne (858)
• United States
14 Jun 07
Tell the woman to get a life-- since she couldn't have the man doesn't mean you or someone else can't.
I hate self-centered folks like that that think everything like that that happens is all about them.
2 people like this
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
14 Jun 07
You are so right!!! And it isn't even that she couldn't have him, she decided she wanted someone else!!! She is already in another relationship that he believes started before they broke up officially.
1 person likes this
@Debs_place (10520)
• United States
17 Apr 09
I would not worry about the ex.
He is no longer with her. There is no problem there.
Just be careful, if he is friends with your ex-- he might be up to something.
1 person likes this
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
17 Apr 09
Hey Deb, no reason to be careful anymore. This was only a fling type thing that ended as soon as it began. I still talk to him on occasion, but nothing major. Just a checkup to see if we still exist lol. His ex no longer speaks to me, but its no different then before everything came out. The only one I talk to at length is my ex, and that is only because we have children together.
If he was up to anything, it was to tag someone that his friend already had. If that made him feel better, more power to him. But he can't do anything to hurt me.
@marifel1986 (179)
• Philippines
15 Jun 07
all i can say is, "YOU GO GIRL!!" you have the right to choose whomever you want to go out or not. it's your life after all. anyways, it was her who dumped him. if she was still in love with him or something, then why did she let him go. her lost, ur gain...
1 person likes this
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
19 Jun 07
That's how I felt. You didn't want him for whatever reason. You never indicated that he was abusive or a deadbeat or anything negative. You just didn't want him anymore. I thought that if she was adult enough to realize that she had outgrown him, she could realize that one woman's past could be another's future, and that person may be close.
@marifel1986 (179)
• Philippines
21 Jun 07
yep, u are very right... i guess u are dealing with an immature and selfish person. her needs and wants are the only things the she can see. her concern is for her self and herself alone.
1 person likes this
@RESGuy (859)
• United States
15 Jun 07
I don't know girls are so very jealous. But us guys, we don't really care who our exes go out with, in fact my friend actually gave me some tips to go out with his ex that I like XD lol So yeah, I think once you break up with someone you just have to move on because like you said life is too short for such silliness. Rated +.
1 person likes this
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
21 Jun 07
Sometimes I wish I was a guy. Some things that women are supposed to care about I just don't. If more women were to take some of the attitude of guys, things would be a lot easier.
1 person likes this
@RESGuy (859)
• United States
21 Jun 07
From a man's point of view, I agree! Women have too much drama, I know I have 2 sisters and am the only son hehe. I don't mind them but I just think they should chill-out a bit and just forgot about what 'she said to him/her' and yadayadayada. Too much drama hehe That rhymed. Anyways you understand right? I mean you ARE a girl. But yeah I think women should be more like you :-P Rated +.
1 person likes this
@wiccania (3360)
• United States
23 Mar 09
No, I don't think that's right. She wasn't your friend... HE was. If she had been your friend and he was the ex that you were just sort of acquainted with, ok, I could see her getting a little steamed. But since you were friends with him and she was (for want of a nicer way to put it) the extra baggage he carried for awhile. You were nice to the baggage. You were friendly to it. But it was not your friend. So you didn't date a friends ex.
On the dating a friends ex... it think it depends on the friend and the nature of their relationship. If it was just a fling, I think that that's ok. If it was a serious relationship... it's sometimes a good idea to ask how they'd feel about it. People that I refer to as friends, but are really just a little above acquaintences, I probably wouldn't ask. But if we were talking about one of my good friends, one of my best friends... yeah, I'd ask and I wouldn't go there if they didn't want me to.
1 person likes this
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
17 Apr 09
Great insight Wiccie! But, do you realized that you answered this question two years ago??? lol.
@KrauseHome (36448)
• United States
21 Mar 09
Personally sometimes I think this can be a Big issue because there are people out there that will get jealous when someone that was a Friend of theirs ends up dating another friend of all of theirs when they broke up. I know I tried that for quite a few yrs. back when I was in my late 20s and early 30s and it always seemed to cause some problems. When you end up dating a Friend of your guy friend you broke up with their is always problems. But if you really do care about him, maybe somehow things can work out still for the best. It is all up to what you really want.
1 person likes this
@stella1989 (2274)
• India
15 Jun 07
Well I don't think so that he is going out of his limit...like c'mon its 21st century..!!
But there must be a reson behind the girlfriend who is not happy with your relationship with her ex..!!
It is quite common..!!
Even sometimes I wouldn't belive it that my ex-boyfriend is now dating my other friend!!
but try to find it out why is she not happy about it...!!
There may be a hidden secerate about this guy cause she knows him in better level..!!
So I advice you to take her seriously..!!
BUT if she is getting annoyed just like that then live it ..!! some girls just can't accept it that there guys can date anyone else also..so take it easy.
And be happy. :)
But first try to find out the reason.
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
21 Jun 07
We are not talking anymore because of this, not that we talked all that much anyway. But she says she is mad because I followed behind her. Because she thought we were better friends than that. But again, she never showed me as much until this came up.
1 person likes this
@secretbear (19448)
• Philippines
15 Jun 07
why should she be mad? they already broke up. which means no strings attached anymore. if she was your close friend maybe she have a right to be mad at you but still, she should understand in the long run. but she's just your acquaintance so she doesn't have the slightest right to be mad at you. she's not even your friend. they've already parted ways, went their own different ways, even if she's concerned with who her ex will go out with, that doesn't mean she has the right to fire at ya.
I was in her position a couple of years ago but in a slightly different way. my ex and I were still with each other when he tried to court one of my close friends. I never got angry with my friend since she didn't entertain my ex. if she did I might have been totally mad at her. I got really mad with my ex though, and that's the reason we broke up. even after we broke up, my friend never entertained him. ^_^
1 person likes this
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
19 Jun 07
That was one of my biggest issues in this. Before they broke up I said nothing about how I felt. I had been over to the house a few times, whether she was there or not, and nothing happened. I felt that I was more than courteous by waiting until it was truly over, or so I thought, huh?
@soccermom (3198)
• United States
15 Jun 07
What should she care? They broke up! My best friend of 22 years has had a great 6 year relationship with one of my exex, as a matter of fact I hooked them up! Just because he wasn't right for me doesn't mean he's not right for her, and honestly it's nice to have a couple to hang out with that I truly know. You're "friend" needs to grow up and get over it.
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
19 Jun 07
It's a good thing you are secure in yourself enough to let your best friend and ex date without interference. I wish there were more people in the world like you.
@nigtvamp (102)
• United States
15 Jun 07
I've never believed in the whole "bros efore hoes" philosiphy some people try so hard to adhere to. You hit the nail on the head by saying life is too short. Honestly, as long as it is not about revenge of vindictiveness, I see no problem with it. My boyfriend was actually a friend of mine's fiancee before we got together. Both him and her and me and my now ex were all good friends. After both couples broke up and then we got together, we got the same reaction from both of them as you did. But now, my boyfriends ex, my boyfriend and I are all really good friends again. My ex just has issues that stem from a far deeper place and no one particularly likes him anymore anyway, lol. But she dated him breifly after my boyfriend and I got together, though my boyfriend and I had no problem with it just so long as they were happy.
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
21 Jun 07
I can't say its about either of those things. I was never mad at his ex. And the only time it really was about revenge on my ex, he wasn't an ex yet. I just wanted to hurt him as much as he had hurt me at that point. I started thinking of things to do, and thought about his friend. Bad part about it is in thinking that I came across the realization that I liked him. That totally scared me from doing anything. That was about a year before we broke up.
@castleghost (1304)
• United States
15 Jun 07
No, everyone should be able to date whoever they want to as long as they are both free to do so. It sounds like the ex-girlfriend is jealous. Or possibly she wanted him to be miserable and beg her to take him back. Of course when he got involved with you that wasn't going to happen so you probably messed up her plans. That is the only way I can figure out why she would care about you having a fling with him.
1 person likes this
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
21 Jun 07
Ah, tis true. But you should never toy with love like that. If she knew she wanted to be with him, she should have kept him, not left him for someone else.
@huilee (1005)
• Singapore
15 Jun 07
I guess of coz the girl will think likewise...
I mean i thought we were friends and u guys are actually dating?
How would i know if u guys were having a fling behind my back when i was dating with him back then?
I guess all humans are sensitive...
Especially towards such issue...
I guess u should explain to her...
Let her know that everything happened only after she and him broke off..
Dun let such misunderstandings create bad feelings between the three of u...
I hope my advice helps..
All the best...
=)
1 person likes this
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
21 Jun 07
Thank you for the advice. But she is no longer talking to me. Maybe I will if she ever calls me again, but her calls were few and far in between before this happened, I may never hear from her again.
@REMNANTscrapbook (124)
• United States
15 Jun 07
if your friends a true friend, she would let you talk to him, but sometimes it reeally depends on who the guy is, cause maybe your friend is protecting you from getting hurt as well
1 person likes this
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
21 Jun 07
She never at any time gave any indication that he was abusive, or uncaring. I got with him because I felt he was the total opposite of my ex. The way she put it was that they had outgrown each other. And she is still friends with him, so if something was really wrong that she was trying to protect me from, wouldn't she be friends with me and not him?
@DavidReedy (2378)
• United States
15 Jun 07
It's kind of hard to follow this post... Who's friend? How good of a friend are they?
Point being, if a friend is a friend--and you truly value their friendship (and thus their thoughts and feelings) then you stay away from exs... If you want to go for the ex, then be ready to sacrifice the friendship. That's just the way it works, for better or for worse.
@vokey9472 (1486)
• United States
15 Jun 07
The biggest rule of true friendship is: NEVER EVER DATE YOUR FRIEND'S EX. EVER.
That being said, if this woman was not a friend, she was/is just someone you know through your ex and her ex being friends, then there is no problem. However, if she is your friend, you should never have dated her ex. Why? Because some women are seiously crazy about the whole issue of friend's dating the ex.
I learned this the hard way. My friend kept telling me that she didn't like this guy anymore and she didn't care who he dated. So I went out with him. That was the biggest mistake I could have made. My friend lost her mind. She went crazy. All of a sudden I was the most horrid person who ever lived. I wasn't her friend. I didn't care about her feelings. How could I date him? She never spoke to me again. I didn't understand it, but I never dated a friend's ex again.
I personally never cared if a friend dated my ex. I guess I just didn't see it as a big deal. I mean, if the relationship didn't work out, he wasn't the right guy for me. So if he got with a friend and it worked out, then he was the right guy for her. No big deal. I mean, if she doesn't mind that I had him first, then by all means, enjoy him. Right?
1 person likes this
@wiccania (3360)
• United States
15 Jun 07
if the woman was a really good friend, then i might ask her first. but if she was just and acquaintence, i wouldn't bother. i think that "friends ex is off limits" rule is only valid if you're actually friends. knowing someone casually because your ex hung out with her ex doesn't a friend make. you haven't done anything wrong, and she was out of line.
1 person likes this
@axter69 (379)
•
15 Jun 07
I think it all depends on how close you are as mates. I have to be honest my best mate is with a girl who lost her cheery to me, but we had split up and then about 6 months later he got with her. we are still best mates but it can get a bit strange after a few drinks.
I think it also depends on what there relation ship was like? was they close or was it a couple of months?
in answer to your question I would say yea but no but yea (I think so)
1 person likes this
