Where Do The Rules of Marriage Come From?

First off - I absolutely LOVE this post! It is very eye-opening to see marriage in a way most people never do. My husband and I share many aspects of our marriage. All decisions are made by the both of us - we'll discuss something and if he or I say well, I'll leave it to you, then we know that we trust the other's judgement. We make sure we've heard each other's input and weighed everything before making a final decision. My husband is employed, I am a stay home mom and I homeschool my kids. We used to both work at full time jobs and while it brought in more income, we rarely saw our kids. We made that decision together - after several months of discussion - and have been much happier for the past 3 years. We discuss our finances, our childrens' education, dinner, what to do for the weekend, everything. We are a very involved couple and family. We realise not all people are like this - and we're far from perfect. We've had our battles like all married couples w/children. But we're bound to each other, and we are determined to make our marriage work by working together. Bound and determined - if only more couples were, there'd be far fewer divorces/splits. JMO

My marriage is a very individualized thing. What I mean by that is that every rule in my marriage with my husband is our own, that we have discussed and agreed up together. In fact, before we got married, he had to convince me that our marriage would be our own creation, and not the same as other marriages I had seen, because I had seen almost solely bad ones within my family and such. I don't think there is one of us that is more likely to make rules or decisions. I know sometimes I don't make as many decisions about everyday stuff as he does, just because I don't always feel up to it emotionally, though I'm working on that. However, when it comes to the big things, everything is done together. I would never be in a relationship that I didn't consider equal like that, though I know people who are happy in relationships that I wouldn't accept. I guess it all comes down to the people involved and their needs.

I really like how you have stated this concept of marriage. I am not now married but can really appreciate what you are saying when I relate it to my previous marriages (2). You seem to have a handle on how to make a marriage work for the long term after all the newness wears off. I don't see why both partners can't make up their own set of rules and allowances. I would think that a healthy marriage would be created by both partners interacting equally. Some of the old standards might work for some, but times have somewhat changed. And what works for one cpouple in a marriage might not work for others. I think it is best to throw out the "rulebook" or at least rewrite it to fit the personalities of the couple. Understanding and acceptance has to be part of the relationship. And there has to be some daily ackowledgement from both parties that the relationship is working or needs some fixing. Nurturing the relationship should be a daily affair. Letting things go on and hoping for a natural fix is asking for disaster down the road. I think if you can discuss anything or any problem, large or small, with your partner without fear, you will be successful. I think that couples are afraid to speak their minds for fear of being ridiculed or rejected. That leads to all kinds of pent up feelings that can turn a marriage into a nightmare.

hello!! i think u are right,but could u make u atrcile be easy to see next time? thanks i am a student in china,and my english is poor.i wish u can understand what i say

The rules of marriage are the obvious ones which we agree to follow the day we are married. To love, honour, and obey, etc, with some modifications allowed. The rules change as each marriage progresses. One marriage has children, from the start. The wife stays home to care for the child/ren and the husband begins his career. They pay attention to their budgeting, or get early problems if they don't. There is usually a lot of family support as there are grandchildren. Once the child is in school, personal preferences emerge. Hopefully, some of these things have been talked out and planned, pre=marriage, and as the child grows. Staying in touch, and communicating effectively is important. One spouse may want to exercise authority because he/she brings home the paycheck. There is no communication about the budget and a lot of blame. This causes resentment, and a personal sense of failure which couples have to rally together to overcome. If they do this in the beginning, there isn't a problem. Some couples begin as friends with ideas about their lives, and there is the give and take, although there is the beginning rational foundation of "In my life, I want to..." and listening to their partner's answer the same. This gives each other an idea of the region they want to live, the time they want to devote to the thing they want, how important homelife is, and how considerate they can be with their spending/saving, devoting to their home, etc. A good age is early twenties, and once you've found someone you can do this with, you've got a partner. There is the give and take. You want to work one year, his business is just getting successful, and it would be a madhouse if you left the house everyday for full=time work of your own. There are compromises. Assist a family with their children, get a part=time job (too much competition), take lessons and become really good at something. Redecorate the house on a minimal budget. Plant an edible garden. Another year, you want to begin a project, and the roles are shifting. You need to rediscuss your plans, being gentle and considerate. There are always the human factors. He needs you, and you have to take a year off. You need transportation to a place with no public transportation, and he spends six months taking you someplace, cramming in the time to do this, until he knows the route as well as you. Seldom is there a fight for rights, it's a give and take. If the person doesn't have a give and take, and there is a fight, it's time for a readjustment. One can take a vacation, or have a family discussion. There has to be room to grow and change, or fights will take place. I did fight once over a movie I really wanted to see, after being snowed in all winter. We'd talked for weeks about seeing this, and the evening of the movie, he said "I'd rather not go". I stood my ground, (near the doorway, because I was going) and said "We are going, we are definitely going." Not, when will be a good time, will the weekend be a better time, etc. And a walk around the block wouldn't do it either. I wanted to see the movie, which we did. It was a musical, and he couldn't stop smiling, he loved it as mad as he was. It was "Evita" and was very nice. Never again did I insist, and I was reminded a few times, as one weekend I really wanted to stay home and rest, and he wanted to visit friends, a ten hour drive, stay the night, and drive home. I happily agreed. He asked into the next state, "Aren't you mad? I know you want to stay home." He wanted an argument, or some type of discussion. I wasn't mad, a little tired, with little preparation, although I liked the weather and it was a nice trip. I met some really interesting people, and we stopped places I'd never seen. It takes so much of your own dreams and lives, I think in only the critical things, moral and/or legal, do you need to think about your ancestors. The rules are made as you become a couple, and the first few mistakes you keep to yourself, and learn as if you were with a favorite person. I think a man would collapse if he were always in charge, and walk out or move on. It takes two. If you haven't used this approach, begin discussions with simple topics. Once you've developed a pattern of discussions, take up a topic which used to cause concern, and if he can't take the situation, go to a topic you both enjoy, and ask him to please think about it. Stay friendly, have a good discussion, and in about a week, he should get back to you. Give him some good praise for communicating, and remembering you and bothering to figure it out, etc. You can find a way to communicate.

I think no one can makes the rules in my marriage!

For marrege there is rule must .I am not sure but marrege rule belong to family court.And it is neccesory.

First off - I absolutely LOVE this post! It is very eye-opening to see marriage in a way most people never do. My husband and I share many aspects of our marriage. All decisions are made by the both of us - we'll discuss something and if he or I say well, I'll leave it to you, then we know that we trust the other's judgement. We make sure we've heard each other's input and weighed everything before making a final decision. My husband is employed, I am a stay home mom and I homeschool my kids. We used to both work at full time jobs and while it brought in more income, we rarely saw our kids. We made that decision together - after several months of discussion - and have been much happier for the past 3 years. We discuss our finances, our childrens' education, dinner, what to do for the weekend, everything. We are a very involved couple and family. We realise not all people are like this - and we're far from perfect. We've had our battles like all married couples w/children. But we're bound to each other, and we are determined to make our marriage work by working together. Bound and determined - if only more couples were, there'd be far fewer divorces/splits. JMO