What would you do? Need advice--brother's GF is a pain :-(
By Discordia
@Discordia (95)
Canada
June 27, 2007 5:15pm CST
Hi everyone,
I need to get some outside perspectives on my problem.
I live with my brother, and we've been sharing a place for 10 years now. About 6 months ago he started dating a girl. About a week later she was spending the night at our place almost every night. Then it became EVERY night. This went on for about 4 months, from January to May. She would spend the night and sleep till noon every day. I am an early riser who has a home-based business. I do a lot of work in the morning, and in particular, computer work. Problem is, she sleeps in the room where the computer is and as a result I can't use that computer until she is gone.
After 4 months of accommodating her and, for lack of a better term, putting up with her, I finally mentioned to her that I would appreciate it if she got up and left in the morning so I can do my work. Another issue too is that if I don't have work to do, I am gone and out the door to do stuff for the day. I mentioned to her that she will have to start getting up in the AM because no one will be here to lock the door after her.
Later that day I talked with my brother about it. He thought of giving her a key to our place, but I told him I was not comfortable with that idea, being that I hardly know the girl. To me, she is a stranger. I thought we had reached a compromise--I would let them know ahead of time when I would be away, and he would give her his key to lock up after I was gone.
Well, several days later I discover she still had a key. So I confronted her about it and asked her why she still had the key. I told her my bro and I had spoken and I made my feelings clear to him as well. Anyway, later that day my brother comes at me and jumps on me for confronting her. Now I did not yell at this girl, nor was I out of line. She had obviously gone to him and blew everything I said out of proportion.
So my bro and I got into a fight over it, and we have not spoken since then, which was over a month ago, even though we live in the same house.
Oh and the reason why she had to stay at our place every night? Because she is a MAJOR pack-rat, and had so much stuff piled in her house that she could not use her bed or couch or floor to sleep on! To me, this is her problem, and it is her problem that started this mess to begin with.
Well today things blew up again. I discovered she still had a key to our place, so I confronted her again. This time I wasn't so nice. I am at my wit's end. Neither she nor my brother care about my feelings about this. I have tried talking to them nicely about it, but nothing has changed. They refuse to compromise with me and acknowledge my feelings. I have put up with her being in my home for months, and I have put up with the anger and stress I feel over this, all because they must have their way, no matter what.
So I want to ask you--how would you feel if you were me? Do you think it's right for her to have a key, when she doesn't even need it, and they've only been dating 6 months? How would you feel if you lived with someone and your roommate gave a key to someone you were hardly knew? And what do you if the other people don't want to compromise, and worse they make you out to be the bad person? :-(
7 people like this
17 responses
@killahclaire (3665)
•
27 Jun 07
Well i can really see the situation from both sides because I douby your brother would give a key to someone who is untrustworthy and I reckon you should trust his judgement. 6 months is in fact a long time but at the same time it is your place too and you should be entitled to do as you please when you please and not feel worried or stressed.
I think it is about time that you all sat down at the table together and tried to stay relaxed and calm and work out a compromise of some sorts.
If this girls wants to spend every night with your brother then they should get a place together or clean up her place and stay there cos when you agreed to living with your brother his girlfriend wasn't part of the bargain.
Maybe you should get a wee lock for your door until the situation is resolved because obviously you have no trust for this girl and womans intuition unfortunately is always right.
I think you should just say to your brother that he has a choice. Either no guests or he can move out and you can find someone else to share with you.
Why does this girl not get up the morning? Does she have no job? She should be giving you both money towards the rent and bills as she is using them.
@Discordia (95)
• Canada
28 Jun 07
Hi there,
Thank you for your very sensible response. Everything you said I agree with, as I've thought of them myself. I just feel giving a key to someone, anyone, who has only known us for 6 months is rash and irresponsible. I agree too that she should be contributing to things here too, if she insists on staying. She does work, but I think it's just part-time in the evenings.
Anyway, the situation is being resolved because I told him last night he can move out if he wants :-) I know I'm looking forward to having a peaceful, stress-free home again.
1 person likes this
@killahclaire (3665)
•
28 Jun 07
That sounds good and hopefully all will be resolved soon and you will have back your peace of mind!
1 person likes this
@Discordia (95)
• Canada
28 Jun 07
Thanks killahclaire, I definitely felt a weight lift when he said he would move out. Ahhh, peace!
@nuttmeg (440)
• United States
28 Jun 07
Wow, that's messed up...all of it. First of all, it's wrong of your brother to A) not ask you how you felt about her being over so much, just out of consideration, B) go against your wishes by giving her a key after you specifically asked him not to, C) doing all of this after only 6 months. That's beyond ridiculous! Secondly, this woman sounds like a pill and a half, no offense. I take it she's never heard of "over-staying your welcome." I have stayed at guy's houses in the past, but I would NEVER stay there without the guy being there at the same time, much less sleeping in until noon, especially in your work area, knowing that you work from home. All this says is some serious lack of manners and consideration. Dang!
Whether or not you own the house out-right or if you're renting the place, she is technically acting as a tenant. If it were me, I'd be asking her to fork up some rent, especially if she's using the facilities, running up the utilities, eating the food and taking up space. Regardless if she's an out of control packrat or not, that's the biggest line of bull I've ever heard and is a sorry excuse.
I'm not sure if the house is equally both of yours or not, but you deserve some say either way. Sounds to me like you've been putting up with more than you have to as it is. I would personally be more than ticked off and would be sitting them both down at the same time and lay out some assertive boundries:
1. You would appreciate if she wasn't over every night.
2. You would like her out of the house by such-and-such time, so that you can get to work--after all, her being there affects your job. Or, better yet, that she needs to be gone whenever your brother leaves. She is a guest in the house and guests leave when their host is no longer present. Plain and simple.
3. You would appreciate it if she did not have a key at this time, unless she wants to start paying rent, should you approve of that situation in the first place. There is no reason she should have a key, because there is no reason she needs to be there when your brother is not.
Nor would I feel bad about saying any of this, considering the lack of respect on both their parts, and due to the fact that she had the audacity to complain about the key conversaiton she had with you to begin with. It's your house too. Heck, it may be your house all together.
As far as your brother goes, explain to him that that is your house--just as much as it is his. Brother, roommate, or otherwise, you don't fork out keys to people if the other has a problem with it. If she's going to be there so much, then she can pay rent.
Is this your place, co-owned, or rented? Either way, that's messed up. My guess is that if you don't put your foot down to both of them now, they're going to get worse as the relationship progresses. My second guess is that this woman has some serious issues and is going to be a problem for your brother anyway, by the sound of it lol.
Good luck!
2 people like this
@Discordia (95)
• Canada
28 Jun 07
Wow, nuttmeg your response was so right on!! I am so glad to hear you say those things, because now I know I'm not out of my mind, lol. I thought it was rude too, to be so blatantly disrespectful in someone else's home! If I was staying in someone's place, you bet I would respect their wishes if they asked something of me! I would not start a big war in the house!
I have actually said a lot of the things you mentioned--it was part of my compromise. She refuses to get up in the morning, and he refuses to make her see that she has listen to my requests, as this is my place of 10 years.
She is very difficult, neurotic, over-bearing and just plain rude. Besides all this, she has made rude comments to me. I just don't know what my brother sees in her, considering he is very intelligent and sensible! Oh well, I guess he's thinking with his "little brain", lmao.
1 person likes this
@nuttmeg (440)
• United States
28 Jun 07
Oh, forgot to add...
If they give you fluff about the key, I personally would tell them that if the key is not returned and kept that way, that I would be getting the locks changed and handing them the bill for it. Brother or not, he's breaking trust in your relationship just as a roommate. If they're that in on it, maybe they can both move into her place lol.
2 people like this
@gloria777 (1674)
• India
28 Jun 07
I can understand your situation which is very difficult to solve. You have to discuss the issue with your brother. Only he can solve the problem in a healthy way.
1 person likes this
@Discordia (95)
• Canada
28 Jun 07
Thank you, gloria777. Yes we are a pretty tight family, maybe not emotionally tight but we would never walk out on each other, at least I would hope not. We have always stuck together and always helped each other out. Yes, the key is not the big issue...the underlying issue is that I feel disrespected by both of them. That's what hurts, is that my own brother does not care if I am happy in my own home! What's worse is we've already talked nicely, and he still does not respect my feelings.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
28 Jun 07
Sorry you are in such a bad spot. no one should feel uncomfortable in their own home!
I suspect the key is not the real issue here. it is the fact that this girl is invading your space and your brother is the one allowing it.
First of all...get your computer out of her room if possible or make other sleeping arrangements for her.
secondly, she should be paying for rent, bills, etc.as well as helping out with household chores. you paint a picture of a freeloader and a slob.
it is important to mend your relationship with your brother. you sound close and family is important. Set up a meeting with all of you present to talk (not accuse or downgrade) but where you can all express your thoughts. hopefully you will be able to come up with a compromise.
Good luck on this.
1 person likes this
@jeweledbluerose (3061)
• United States
27 Jun 07
First of all I would bring up the agreements that were made. Than I would than again express your feelings and make it clear that you don't know this girl in any such manner, besides the fact that she is your brother's girlfriend.
Second, make it clear that if anything, and that is anything of yours comes up missing, and you know that you didn't take it with you, or isn't found, both of them will be held responsible and they will have to replace the item out of their own money.
I don't know who the lease holder of the house is, or if it is some sort of joint venture, but from the very beginning certain boundaries should have been established, even before the house was purchased, or rent was paid. And if it really comes down to it, tell your brother to help his girlfriend get organized and they can move into her house, if they really are wanting to be together that much.
1 person likes this
@Discordia (95)
• Canada
28 Jun 07
Hi,
Yep, I definitely did try to explain again what we had discussed previously, about the key situation. Unfortunately, my brother is very stubborn and is not giving me even a micromillimetre of leeway. It's his way or the highway. He just refuses to see my point of view.
As a matter of fact, a couple of my things have gone missing! I asked my brother about them, and he said he didn't know. Of course to him she didn't take them...but in my mind what else could have happened to them? A fairly large glass pot does not just disappear on its own...but I don't dare ask her about it, because I can just imagine the repercussions if I did.
A long time ago, we had a similar situation, only it was reversed, where I had a boyfriend that was over too much. My brother got sick of it and did not hesitate to make his feelings known to me. But instead of fighting him, my BF and I did the sensible thing, which was to start spending time at his place. Presto, problem solved! I guess I foolishly assumed my brother would remember that, and understand how I felt and return the same respect. I guess not!
Thank you, jeweledbluerose!
@jeweledbluerose (3061)
• United States
28 Jun 07
Well as much as I hate digging up past incidences to make a point. I would in this case though bring it up about you compromised about staying over at your boyfriend's house more often when your brother was uncomfortable with your boyfriend being around all the time.
I know you are sick of the fighting, and may be scared of the reprocusions that may arise from bringing up the glass pot to your brother's girlfriend, but as you say big things don't have a habit of growing legs and walking out on their own.
Just got to hang in there as much as you can, and let it be known that this sort of stuff will not be tolerated. Cause I have learned the moment one caves in is when people try to start walking all over you.
1 person likes this
@Discordia (95)
• Canada
28 Jun 07
I definitely don't intend to cave. I am going to stand my ground and I refuse to let them make me feel like I am a bad person. If I have to, I will bring up the past situation with my boyfriend, because maybe he needs to be reminded of what it was like when the show was in the other foot. I've just written off the glass pot, and a bowl that also has gone missing. I don't think she'll be showing up here much anymore, not after the events of yesterday. I've probably scared the living daylights out of her, lol, considering she is a tiny waif and I'm 5'10" and athletic!
@gardengrrl (1445)
• United States
28 Jun 07
Without knowing the answers to a couple of the questions other posters asked, about whose lease or mortgage or whatever, it's hard to figure out how to advise you, so let me say this: if your brother is all caught up with this crazy packrat loser, there's nothing you can do to stop it. I can't imagine why he has anything to do with someone who has an apartment so full of c-rap they can't sleep there, but that's men for you. The little head leads them to places no reasonable person would go!
The computer your business is based on doesn't belong in your brother's bedroom, you can't get any tax deduction that way. If it isn't in your brother's bedroom, then kick her out of the room at the time you have told her you need to start working. Don't let family treat your home biz like anything other than a real job, it'll kill it quick.
Since your brother accepts her trashing herself out of her own home, and he hasn't spoken to you in a month because you confronted her, you may have to accept that it is time for you to stop sharing housing with your brother. What worked great in your 20's or after you graduated college just may not be suitable anymore. I wonder also if he hasn't taken up with this unsuitable person in order to force the issue with you. Start thinking of your own needs and let go of him. He's going to play this thing out with her no matter what you do, so you might as well get out of harm's way and let her trash them out of their own place.
I'm sorry not to have anything more hopeful to offer, breaking up a 10 year household is a major drag. If he won't talk to you, and they're teamed up against you, you don't really have a sane choice. I wouldn't waste even one more scintilla of my personal energy on either of them. Fly and be free, and in time, after your brother has realized she's a psycho and ditched her, you guys can rebuild your relationship. You'll still be part of his life when this slattern is a bad memory, but the more conflict that happens now, the harder it will be to bridge the gap. If you do it gracefully enough, you'll preserve a fabulous moral high ground that you can roast him from at family gatherings for the rest of his life!
Good luck, and don't let them bully you, or make you feel bad about yourself!
@Discordia (95)
• Canada
28 Jun 07
Thank you gardengrrl, for the great, reassuring response! Oooo you guys are really good. You can all read this like an open book. Everything said is exactly what I think and feel, so I know I am not wrong in this! I know the day will come when he will see the light! That's why last night I told him to go ahead and move in with her and her craziness! Then he'll see...
And unfortunately, it will be too late because a rift has been forged between us...and even if he dumps her and sees the light, I don't feel our relationship will ever be the same. I feel a sense of betrayal, and once someone close to you does that to you, it's hard to feel right with them again.
Yep, and you are so right about the "little head"!! ha ha ha, I just mentioned that in a previous post! Yep, the brains have fallen into the pants with this one.
@becca29 (40)
• United States
28 Jun 07
I want to start by saying I am sorry you and your brother are fighting, I have 3 I know how hard and stressful that can be. You have already asked him to not let her have a key to YOUR home, and yet she still has it just ask her for it back and since sometimes you will not be there and she is acting as if YOUR house is a bed and breakfast just wake her up and explain to her that it is time for her to go. I know that will be harder on you with all that is going on between you and your brother but, you did try to talk with him about this. You should not think of yourself as a bad person you are not, you just do not know this person and you are not yet comfortable with her he should be able to understand that, and he will later I just hope that he realizes you were just looking out for yourself and him (us sisters tend to do that) Good luck on this it will get better.............hang in there.
2 people like this
@Discordia (95)
• Canada
28 Jun 07
I actually have taken the key back (this is the second time too), and I've tried waking her up. But she ends up resenting me for it, and running to my brother to fill his ears with tales of how horrible I am to her.
Thanks so much, becca29!
@raphael_volts (1131)
• India
28 Jun 07
Hey you are in one of my worst nightmares. Actually I also live in a hostel and it happens several times that my roomies give keys to unknown person, obviously unknown to me. These people I don't know why they need the key, I think to bring in their girlfriends or something. But this is very annoying. I even did find some things missing from my room. Its was really a set back. I never used to close my room as I had the PC in there and everyone wanted to use it. But since then I have started keeping a seperate lock for my room.
Its realy upseting to hear about such a brother like yours. He must know how to treat a brother, and how to keep a girl from getting in between.
Any Ways I think there is no use of cofronting him now excep just seperatly locking your room as well.
Take Care
May GOD Bless YOU
@Discordia (95)
• Canada
28 Jun 07
Thank you so much for understanding! I can feel for you too. That is a really unsettling situation when you don't like either yourself or your things are safe in your own home.
Good luck and God bless too. I wish you the best, and hope you will be blessed with a cozy little place you can call your own.
@Kowgirl (3490)
• United States
28 Jun 07
Looks as if she nor your brother has any respect for your feelings. I would tell him if he wants to be with her go to her place. Simple as that, then change the locks on the doors so neither one can come back in.
If she had any sense she would see the riff it is causing between your brother and you and go home where she belongs. Looks like she is using both of you and to your expense. Give him an ultimatum either get her out or get out with her. It's your life take control of it.
1 person likes this
@Discordia (95)
• Canada
28 Jun 07
Ha ha, thank you Kowgirl, for saying exactly what I did last night! "If you want to be with her, go live with her!" She does not care if she is causing a rift, because in her eyes I am the trouble-making sister (she called me that--a trouble-maker. Can you believe it??) and I deserve everything that's happening. Plus she is very selfish and overbearing and thinks people should accommodate her, so she doesn't care about disrupting the family, as long as she gets what she wants.
Classic manipulative, juevenile behavior!
@LilyoftheThorns (12918)
• United States
28 Jun 07
Well, it is your house too since you have been there for 10 years! You have every right to tell her to get up early and leave, and you have every right not to want her having a key. She IS A stranger to you and she is obvisouly not a friend to you because she is cruel and manipulative. You brother needs to listen to what you have to say, your opinion counts!
I think first of all since you do your work in the room she sleeps in you need to tell her she can't sleep in there anymore. She can have the couch or something. But it is where you work so you should have all the say whether or not she sleeps in there.
@Discordia (95)
• Canada
28 Jun 07
Thank you!!
OMG, from the very beginning my instinct told me this girl is a master manipulator! I feel too, that it is my place that I have loved and cared for for 10 years and should have a say in what goes on around here. Just seems like common sense to me! But I suppose he is blinded by love or hormones, that's all.
@tinamwhite (3252)
• United States
28 Jun 07
No, she should not have a key to your home...if this is the way that your brother feels then maybe you and him need to think about another living arrangement...maybe he should move to her pig sty and let you get another rommate if it is for financial reasons...
I would try to arrange a time for all 3 of you to sit down and discuss this...I do not think it is fair for her to carry tales to your brother...HE needs to hear it in front of her and SHE needs to hear it in front of him...there can be no misunderstandings that way...
I am not suggesting a confrontational conversation; however it may turn that way if neither is interested in how you feel...do not let them force you into anything that you are uncomfortable with...
I realize that you and your brother have co-existed for many years BUT if this new girl's feelings suddenly take priority over your feelings then there is a problem for sure...
I really think that if your brother went to stay at her place....this realtionship would not last long and that she is taking advantage of you/your brother's generosity...
I hope that you are able to reach an agreeable compromise...but I feel that you need to stand your ground on this one.....
Good luck, my friend....
1 person likes this
@Discordia (95)
• Canada
28 Jun 07
Thank you, tinamwhite!!
You are so right on!!
I totally told him to go move in with her and her craziness for a while! Then he'll see...
I did try talking and unfortunately I was not listened to, and it did turn ugly (big blow-up last night). I also feel it is childish of her to go running to him when the problem is really between her and me. Can she not talk to me woman-to-woman? No, she goes running to him and I KNOW she blows things up to make things, and me, out to be worse than they are.
I totally was not going to let them walk all over me. You would think a brother would want his sister to stand up for herself and not be used as a doormat. If the shoe were on the other foot, he would expect no less of himself.
Thank you again!
@rakhii (1302)
• India
28 Jun 07
If were in place you, I would have definitely done that. A third person being at your place mess up the things. That should be really irritating.
Sleeping at your place because of a certain reason is fine, but then not compromising with her sleep and sleeping till noon is bad. This should have been understood by that girl and your brother.
You are perfectly right on your place for not giving keys to her. You cant trust anybody so easily.
You should try talking to your brother and convince him that you were right in your place.
1 person likes this
@sweetmimzim3 (261)
• United States
28 Jun 07
Is your name on the lease? Or do you own this home? If it is in your name then you have the say in whom has the key..if it is in both your names I'd say a comprimise should be met..her leaving at a suitable hour so you can work..or kindly find other living arrangements..and since she has a place it should be your brother moving in with her.
1 person likes this
@Discordia (95)
• Canada
28 Jun 07
Oh yes I am definitely on the lease, which makes this more frustrating for me, as I'm not being treated as an equal. I am not being respected. I have tried to compromise, and you know, the solution is SO simple! But I guess some would rather have their way at whatever expense than admit to being even a wee bit wrong and working towards a compromise.
Thanks, sweetmimzim3!
@pilotjune1972 (199)
• Philippines
28 Jun 07
well it seems you have a situation there, but maybe its about time to go on and live on your own. I know i may sound different but sometimes we have to move on and try to look at things differently. There are reasons why your brother gave her a key, and i think both of you are old enough not to get into a fight just because of another person. By moving out and living on your own, your brother might realize that he needs you more than he needs the girl. And he himself will ask you to come back :
1 person likes this
@Discordia (95)
• Canada
28 Jun 07
Hi pilotjune1972!
Thank you for your reply. I totally agree with you. I would mauch rather not fight, and I feel too fighting is not necessary. There is a very easy solution to this problem which they refuse to do! It's either their way or the highway. But I do feel everything happens for a reason, and this all has happened for a very good reason. Perhaps after 10 years it is time to move on...I feel that things will work out ok in the end. Since last night's big blow-up, I feel immensely relieved.
@robin121 (16)
• India
28 Jun 07
well i think you should trust your bro. n be little petient about it try to rich to compromise as its surly not your fault still its better to understand each other for good relation & good person always compromises event its against its liking & i m sure you seem to be good person
@Discordia (95)
• Canada
28 Jun 07
Thank you for your reply, robin121!
I actually feel that I have been very patient, as I have lived in this situation for 4 months, and have been very accommodating to her. I never complained or said boo until mid-May sometime. I have since given them over a month to get the situation resolved, and very little has changed. She did make some headway as far as cleaning her place goes, but from what I know, it is still unlivable. They do not spend any time at her place because of it. I feel that I have given them a lot of time and patience, and now it's time to return the respect to me!
@jbones32103 (717)
• United States
28 Jun 07
She should only have a key if she is paying the bills or has moved in too. It sounds to me like you might need to move or tell your brother to move. Roomates can be a thorn in your life even if it's your brother.
@wendy82 (437)
• United States
28 Jun 07
To me I would feel the same way. I would not give my keys to someone that I did not know very well. I would tell your brother that if things do not change that he needs to found another place to leave or that he can stay but she has to go. Because why do people have to disrespect other people's rules? You are doing the right things by confronting them both.
@rangics (1334)
• Philippines
27 Jun 07
That's a very tough and uncomfortable situation you are in right now pal. If I were in your place, I'd do the same for sure. I am a very private person and really hates someone to be coming all my way and try to mess things up with me. That's beyond the limitations she's doing to you. Sad to say your brother doesn't seem to mind at all the "unpleasant situation" you two are in. You've comfronted them already but to no avail. I don't think comfronting them again will make any better. If you'll transfer to another place and try to avoid the issues between your brother and his gf, I still don't think it's the best way to do because you're giving them better chances of sticking with eachother for sure. Things will never be okay if that happens. They can have all the freedom they ever wanted if you leave so I'd suggest you stay. Fight for your right pal. After all, it's your brother and that girl is just his GF. Your brother may not be able to understand you now but keep trying to comfront him later. He might realize things sooner ( I hope !). Things will get better soon. Hope you and your bro will be able to surpass all this things! Goodluck pal! ;)
@Discordia (95)
• Canada
28 Jun 07
Hello rangics!
Thank you for your great response! I am so relieved others can see it my way. This is why it's great to have a perspective from people who are not involved in the situation!
I feel exactly how you described! I know he is blinded by love and doesn't see or care about the damage that's being done to the family because of this. Our mother has been upset too, because she doesn't like to see her kids fighting and not talking.
But hey, if it's worth it to him to disrupt the family over a girl he's only known for 6 months, he can go right ahead :-)
I already told him to move out :-) I refuse to leave.
