If the relationship really ends I think I'm gonna have a hard time with....
By juliemarie84
@juliemarie84 (642)
United States
July 5, 2007 3:08pm CST
I write a lot about this relationship I'm in that I've been kind of unhappy in recently. But I've put up with some things and then it always ends up working out. But that, I feel, was because we were in the same town and it's easy to patch things up when I can go visit him and make dinner and watch a movie and hug and it's all better. But this time it's different. He lives far away so if he's mad and doesnt' want to see me I'm not gonna drive 3 hours to try to see him, especially cause he doesn't even have a buzzer on his apartment so if he's not answerin the phone I'd never be able to let him know I'm right there ready to make up. So I stay at home and we seem to never get along anymore.
But it's been 6 years, he's my first love, and my best friend. For that whole time we did everything together. We made a great team, but his pushing me away I feel is not worth it. Why should I put up with long distance, and not being close to a man if he's not even gonna try. He's afraid of everything. He's afraid of his family, so he doesn't tell them we are still together. He's afraid of fighting, so he doesn't like the idea of me coming down there for extended periods and then being stuck there when we're fighting. He's afraid of so many things, and I can't be with someone that refuses to do anything because he's scared.
But I feel like if the relationship ends, and he's no longer part of my life that I will always (in the back of my mind) miss him. And that I will always feel like maybe, just maybe, if we met at another time in his life that we could've been together for the rest of our lives. I know I'm beating myself up, but somehow us not being together just doesn't feel right. I remember we were broken up for months and I was with other people, and I just couldn't give anyone a chance with me, because he always popped into my head, so I felt bad doing that to another person.
I feel like I will end up becoming detached to people, always afraid to ever become close and to love again. And if I do love again, I feel like I will always wonder what he's up to, and always kind of wish it never ended. Cause I really don't want it to end, but I can only put up with so much of his moods. He seems almost manic depressive to me. One minute he's happy and loving and sweet and the next he's upset, pushing me away, and telling me he doesn't care. And this rollercoaster is messing with my emotions. But he wasn't always like that.
Did any of you have a really hard time getting over the person you were with for a long time, or , with your first love? I really don't want to lose him. I'm really afraid of always being detached and pushing people away for years to come. That this ending the relationship is going to set me back a very long time to ever love again. Him and I always had a lot of plans together for the upcoming month, but it seems like he gets scared and chickens out the day before things happen. I know he's not with another person, that I trust, but I think he's afraid. After all this time with him I'm starting to think he's one of those guys that is gonna be afraid and want to be on his own until he's 40 and ready to committ fully.
8 responses
@JeaimeZZ (50)
• China
6 Jul 07
From your post,I think you must be very very sad,and you just can't forget about him.Such a long post.
It's really hard to forget,I know it,and it's not realistic to force yourself to forget.
Just find out a better one,and let time to solve the problem.
You know,it's not also a problem but a romantic experience in your life.Don't just think about the result.
And hope you can find a better man with you 4ever
1 person likes this
@JeaimeZZ (50)
• China
6 Jul 07
Hey,I'm back.
I find a article for you called HEALING A BROKEN HEART
Hope it can help you.:)
"He was my everything.I miss his touch,his smile,his warm voice in the night.What will I do without him?My life is complete wreck.I love him so much!Without him in my life,nothing matters to me anymore.I feel broken and empty:a shell of my previous self.It's been weeks and I'm still crying about this..."
You feel this way ,yet you know that the two of you can no longer be together...it just didn't work(too many fights,too much distance,some other problem).Whoever said,"It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved" has never experienced this feeling of loss.What I'm talking about is a broken heart.
I've had my own heart broken,too,so I have considerable empathy for your situation.The advice"take it one day at a time"often seems cliche.We think we've crossed the hurdle and are out of the valley of tears or sadness when suddenly we hear a song,see a movie,or have some other action or event trigger our memory of our past love.How does it ever get easier?
[Sorry,I should type in the article.It's a little slow.]
@JeaimeZZ (50)
• China
6 Jul 07
Here is what I've learned about overcoming a broken heart
STEP ONE
Act proactively,rather than reactively.Allow ourselves time to process,grieve,or whatever else we need to feel from the situation.Go ahead and be angry if we have to.Do not project our anger ,guilt, or sadness onto ourex,that will only create difficult feelings for both of us.But DO allow ourselves to feel the feelings.And be proactive in the process.How can we change our feelings from those of reaction to proactively making our life better?The feelings eventually do pass.I won't tell you how long it will take,because for some it takes days, for others weeks, for others years.However,we can accelerate the process by owning our actions and becoming proactive,rather than reactive.
1 person likes this
@JeaimeZZ (50)
• China
6 Jul 07
Leave judgement to God ro nature.The victim may stand in the best position to condemn the offender;however,by showing mercy the victim has shown true love.When we have a healed heart,our heart is no longer concerned with how we were hurt;rather, our heart is concerned with how to love.We must forgive the past and move on to loving our self and others again.
We must create a plan.How will we set boundaries with our former partner?How will we deal with anger when we feel it?How will we deal with sadness?How can we learn the most,then grow from this experience?When we write our plan down,we give it power.Then,when the challenges come up(and they always do )we can consult our plan,then take the action just reacting any other way possible.
As we forgive,we will be for forgiven.How can we plan to forgive without digging up the past?As we show mercy,mercy will be shown to us.How can we show mercy to others?As we have fun,with joy,kindness,and happiness. How can we plan to begin creating this in our life again?As we live according to our PROACTIVE plan,we can begin making a difference again in a healthy and happy way.
@seagoddess28 (873)
• Canada
5 Jul 07
Reading your post took me back to my own past! My second boyfriend who I was with longest, was my first love. His mother hated me and to make a long story short, the relationship ended. That was really painful for me, and from time to time he still comes to mind. He was a mama's boy, though, and I realize now that I would have been making a rod for my own back if the relationship did not end. If I may contribute my two cents' worth--and no offense meant--it may be time for you to take a long hard look at what you want out of a relationship, and realize that you are barking up the wrong tree. You are preventing yourself from opening up to another relationship, because you are still tied to this one. Until you create a vacuum in your life, the thing you want to attract cannot come in. I think, from your post, that you are a very caring and giving person. Careful that you don't end up a doormat. I wish you the best and I hope you find the person who deserves you--and he finds you and keeps you! :-D
1 person likes this
@lucky_witch (2707)
• Philippines
6 Jul 07
Hmmm that was really sad. I know how it feels when someone you've been together for so many years seems to be so much lost once we drifted apart... Too sad but thats life...there is no assurance of everything, no matter how long youve been holding on someone in your life, There is always a tendency that things will change... that you will loose him...The only thing that you can do is hope and make the most of teh times that you're together. Because in that way at least you know thaty you had your best years together... and if fate take you or him the other way then you know that you've given your best. And there will be no regrets. YOu wont go wrong by being at your best.
I know how hard life seems to be at you now... I felt it when Ive learned that my husband was having an affair with another woman and that there is nothing I can do... every time he doesn't come on time and he is also not at work... I knew that he was there staying at her house... I cant believe that the family that I dreamed to have was slowly drifting right into my very eyes. ANd the hardest part is I cant fix it...because the man I love is the one pushing me away with so many reasons... but you know what... now I realize that those reasons are just his way of running away from me...
Ive faced the hardest part of it...and its letting him go. I experienced all the pain there is...and I never thought that there is still life after that...
Its water under the bridge now... I had my life and all that I can have of him are memories and friendship...
Believe me... sometimes its better if you let go...when you know its time.
1 person likes this
@JeaimeZZ (50)
• China
6 Jul 07
STEP FOUR
Recognize the people around us for the blessings they are.Rather than look for how people let us down,look at how people inspire us.Look for the good in others.This will help us to reach out and love again.This is also a key to becoming happy again.
I remember reading a story by Dale Carnegie about a woman who was depressed.She hadn't been seen at church for a while,and people thought something was wrong.Then one day a visitor pointed out to her that she had this incredible gift of raising African Violet Queen!How can you become queen or king of a little part of making the world a brighter place?We ALL have unique gifts and talents, and even the smallest of these can make a difference.
@JeaimeZZ (50)
• China
6 Jul 07
STEP THREE
Rebuild my life.What makes me smile?What makes me want to get up in the morning?What am I truly passionate about?These are the things I need to do again in order to start rebuilding my life and becoming happy and in love withME again!It has been said, in order to love another,we must first ove our self.This is very true.We must love our self, and the only way to do that is to start living our aspirations.
It is important in this step to not immediately replace love for our self with love for another.If we immediately date someone new,we run the risk of reliving the mistakes all over again and not learning,rather than facing our fears and challenges and growing stronger because of them.My heart is with you in this effort as it is our biggest challenge in healing our broken heart:facing our own shadow side.Often,what hurt us the most from our partner and the breakup involves facing that part of ouselves which is hardest to look at. In order to love our bright and happy side we must also love our shadow side.Acceptance is a key to our success with loving our complete self.
@JeaimeZZ (50)
• China
6 Jul 07
STEP TWO
Reframe the relationship in our mind.Rather than seeing the relationship as "the only one"where we could have received love, or could have known so much about each other, or felt the loving was so darn good and no other will compare, it is vital that we see the relationship in different light. No , they weren't "the one"--if they were, it would have worked out far better than it did.What the relationship was, in fact,was a learning experience.What did we learn?How can we improve our lives as aresult of the experience?What can I take into the next relationship that will be HEALTHY?There are many other people who can connect with, many others who will love us right, and many who might treat us FAR better than we ever dreamed, and this relationship ending was simply a necessity in order to bring the NEW and exciting one in!
