Happy with your mate

United States
July 8, 2007 9:39pm CST
Are you happy with your mate? Or like me, do you wish you'd never married this person, and find yourself wishing that they'd meet someone else and leave you for them? Or, just leave you for any reason. I'm feeling this more and more everyday. My husband is lazy, grouchy, and just downright unpleasant to be around. He is as unhappy with me, as I am with him, but he doesn't have a job, so just hangs around and sponges off of me. If you had it to do all over again, would you marry the same person? I wouldn't.
6 people like this
26 responses
@kamran12 (5526)
• Pakistan
9 Jul 07
Hello brendakaya! I am really sorry that your relationship didn't work for you and you are not happy to the point of wishing that you never met. It happens! have you tried some counseling? I tend to think that you already have? I..I am more than happy with my partner. She is such a wonderful lady and it's always nice to have her around. Her love, care, pleasant sense of humor, friendship and everything is just cherish able. We tease each other a lot and look for opportunities to comment on each other and even give these opportunities and we both enjoy it a lot together. I like to take her along everywhere unless it's my university or work. I really can't think now what my life would be without her or even if it would be! She has filled my life with joy, happiness and accomplishment and I usually think and even tell her why she didn't meet me earlier so that I could be with her much before than I was. I would definitely like to marry her even if I am reborn a 1000 times but next time I would like to do it early, so that I don't miss the enjoyment. I sincerely hope that things work out for you in a way that is better for you both. I wish you best of luck:-)
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Jul 07
I'm happy that you found someone that makes you happy. That's pretty rare nowadays.
1 person likes this
@kamran12 (5526)
• Pakistan
10 Jul 07
My first hope for you, bredakaya, is that you work out a solution between yourself and your husband either through direct discussion or by counseling. If that works, I'll really be glad for you both more than any other solution. I am always happy when people get together by settling their differences, be it a relationship or a friendship or even a business deal. If things don't work out the way you want them, I still sincerely hope that you find what you want and what can make you happy:-)
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Jul 07
Thank you. Take care.
1 person likes this
@ravinskye (8237)
• United States
11 Oct 07
I feel your pain. To a point. My husband has a job. He works hard to take care of our family. I guess my problem is we're more like roommates then husband and wife. I feel like the connection we had when we first got together is no longer there. There are things I thought would get better over time that haven't. Plus he hides things from me and would rather lie to me and break my heart then just tell me the truth and me be mad for a few days. The trust is gone and now the love is fading. Yet, I can't bring myself to leave. I really thought we were soul mates. Plus with 3 kids I have no where to go. As for if i would do it all over again, well, my answer would have to be yes. But mostly because I have 3 beautiful kids I couldn't imagine my life without them. But had I known then what know now, minus the kids, I would have ended it when it was just us fooling around. I say, if you are unhappy get out. Save the money, get a loan, whatever. Everyone deserves to be happy.
• United States
12 Oct 07
Thank you.
• Philippines
10 Jul 07
oh, yes the irony of married life! i have regreted my married life for so many times that it came to a point that i wanted out of the relationship or maybe if i could just turn back the time i wouldn't have married at all. but, thinking i wouldn't have my kids if it wasn't for my husband, i can't help but thank God, too for having him in my life no matter how we fight. married life is not just making each other happy but, viewing life together as a partner. we all are gonna grow old. as we age, we may not be as happy as we were when we first got married so the important thing is somehow to compliment each other, fill in whats missing with our other half, yes, martyrdom. after all, we loved our partner first before we learned to hate them. lol.
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Oct 07
Thank you.
• Philippines
13 Jul 07
Me, im very much contented with my husband, although sometimes we have so many differences and argue on little things always. If you dont love that man already and you have no kids to suffer, then leave him, but make sure you to think of it many times so you will not regret it later.
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Oct 07
Thank you.
@hotday (152)
• China
9 Jul 07
He has so many bad habits.Why were you married with him?.You should tell him your feeling .If he still loves you ,he should change himself. If you think you can not bear him for one minute,leave him at once.
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Jul 07
Yes, he does have alot of bad habits. I really don't see him changing at this age, but I guess there's a slight possibility. I would love to leave, but that's costs alot more money.
@laurika (4532)
• United States
9 Oct 07
I am not married et, but I have a mate.It is my fiancee.And you are right we should really thik good if we are gonan get married or not.but I think in that moment we don't really think that much about future, or even if we did, how we can know, it would be good or not.That nice guy would change to a lazy fart and we would have nothing in common anymore.I hope I would find some response there with happy endings.
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Oct 07
Thank you.
@rinaaus (1201)
• Australia
9 Jul 07
I'm very happy with my husband, even we are some differenes that we don't like. But it's Ok, everyone is different. The important thing is you give and receive (not share when you share, it means you keep half for you and give half). As you said here, you are only talk about your mate's bad thing, instead you see his good things or the other sides. Instead of choosing happiness, you have to choose unhappyness. Everything is up to you.
• United States
10 Jul 07
I'm glad you're happy with your husband. Thanks for your reply.
@rosie_123 (6113)
10 Jul 07
Hi Brenda. Well I'm sorry that you're so sad in your life. Isn't there some solution that would make both you and your husband happier? It is so sad for people to be so unhappy in their everyday lives - after all, we come this way but once - so why not enjoy it? As for your question - yes I am very happy with my partner. We're not married - never saw the point - but we've been together over 20 years now, and we have a very loving, open, trusting, and equal relationship. Both of us were married before at quite young ages - both marriages were a disaster and ended in divorce, and we were both happy living alone until we met each other.
• United States
11 Jul 07
It sounds like so msny people have better marriages and relationships, the second time around. I'm glad for you.
@Katlady2 (9904)
• United States
13 Jul 07
If you had asked me this last year, I would have told you that I want an immediate divorce. We had lots of problems going on, especially with him and his obsession with...ummm....certain adult internet sites, amongst other things. Let's just say that what he did to me, I would rather be hit in the face. But we've gotten things worked out, especially since I told him that I would divorce him and kick him out if he didn't knock things off. If I had it all to do over, honestly, I don't think I would go through it again. But I think I have him just about trained where I want him, so things are going good now. I used to be with someone like your husband, and I felt exactly the same way you do. I'm so sorry you're having to go through such misery hon. Just remember that you're not alone and that your friends are here for you. Hugs to you.
@Katlady2 (9904)
• United States
14 Jul 07
You're pretty awesome yourself, hon. And don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise.
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Jul 07
I'm glad you got your man trained. That is one really bad thing about the internet. Mine used to sneak around on them too, probably still does, but I'm too fed up with him to care as much now. lol I'm so glad I found mylot. I have met some of the nicest people on here. I love talking to all you guys, especially my cat friends. lol You are the greatest!
1 person likes this
@ivyoon (673)
• United States
10 Jul 07
I think you should talk to your husband about the situation. It can be very difficult at times not to become angry during a discussion when it's come to the point where you are fed up with a person, but if you guys can communicate your feelings without being hostile, I think it would help a great deal. Try to listen to his feelings too. There may be an underlying cause to your frustration with him, and there may be a reason he does the things he does that bother you. How long have you been with your husband? I've been with mine for ten years, and he is fourteen years older than me, which I thought would pose problems in our relationship at some point in our lives, but it never has. My husband and I talk to each other about everything, every day and try to understand each other all the time. Communication is the key to a good relationship, and if you can't "talk it out", it may be time to look into your other options. Sometimes leaving isn't as difficult as you might think. Often, we find reasons to stay because we think we would feel guilty for leaving. If you really can't work things out and decide it's time to split, there is a lot of research you can do online to help you legally, emotionally, and gain support from people in a similar situation. But, talk to him first. Sometimes a conversation can work miracles when it is brought forth in good faith and with good intentions. Good luck to you!
@ivyoon (673)
• United States
11 Jul 07
That's a long time to go without having a solid line of communication. I can't imagine what that must be like for you, but at least try to express your feelings, and if all else fails and you feel you need to get away from him, I wish you the best of luck!
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Jul 07
We've been together for 33 years. It's always been downhill. Talking doesn't seem to help.
@suf_4u (2)
9 Jul 07
sometime s sometimes no....but still i love him a looooooooooooottt......more than me....
• United States
10 Jul 07
Thank you!
• Canada
10 Jul 07
I am sorry to hear how miserable you sound. It may be time to make some changes...in whatever way you can. I do life coaching and lead groups with yes, my husband and business partner. Before answering your question about my marriage I would like to add a few suggestions about yours. First of all...what drew you to your husband in the first place...and what went wrong? When my hubby and I do couple counselling the first thing we ask both partners is..."Do you think there is enough good/love or whatever left to try and salvage your relationship?" If they say 'no'...then the session is pretty much over. If they say yes, then we move into problem solving mode...and begin having both sides state their case about what is...and is not working. For example you know why you are unhappy with him and probably tell him...if you are like most women..(including me) that I know. Men are less vocal and usually internalize all our chitter-chatter, nag, nag...or eventually just tune us out completely when they don't want to 'deal and get real.' Maybe one of you needs to ask the hard questions...'do we want to stay together, get some counselling, figure out a game plan, help hubby find some work'..or whatever it will take to breathe new life into your marriage? If it isn't worth it...than begin to make plans for an amicable separation and divorce. Life is too short to stay stuck, confined, frustrated...and as I said leading into this discussion...miserable. My Mom did that and regretted it to her dying day. I learned from her experience and divorced my first husband 2 years after we were married. Even at this stage of life I'd still rather live alone and happy...than married and, well, there it is again...miserable. There are many social services out there for woman...even if you have to go on social assistence, borrow from family...whatever you need to do to create a new direction for your life. Do it...please...with or without him...everyone deserves a chance for happiness and fullfillment. It is a basic human right. Now to answer your question..yes I am very happy with my mate. We work and live together 24-7. Had I not divorced my first husband I would not be enjoying what I have now. So would I marry my first mate again? Absolutely not! My second mate...without question! We have been together for 17 years and I love him more today than yesterday...but less than tomorrow! We are both a work in progress and encourage each other to change, grow...and thrive instead of just survive! I sincerely hope you will find the answers you need to live your best life...whatever it may be.
• United States
10 Jul 07
Thanks, you gave me alot to think about. I'll need some time on this one.
9 Jul 07
I am in the same situation myself the only fortunate thing for is im not married. im starting to resent him more and more, he's rude, ungrateful and does sponge off me all the time. Im getting to the stage where i want to leave my job lol and sponge off him!!! I wouldnt mind if he was a little more appreciative of what i do, i mean its his house, i live there, pay his bills, buy food, clothe him and the list goes on, as for marrying him its a very very long way off, but for talking sake, if i was already married to him, i would most definately not marry him again!
• United States
10 Jul 07
Your situation sounds quite a bit like mine. I'd love to be able to quit my job and sponge off him, but he can't keep a job, and the only money he has, is money he sponges off me, so that wouldn't be a good idea.
• Canada
10 Jul 07
After reading your comments maybe you should read the suggestions I posted to the person who started the discussion. There are solutions to every problem..and whether we like to admit it to ourselves or not...you do have a choice to do a course correction. It is never to early or late to have a fresh beginning. I hope you do not choose to stay in a stifling, unhappy relationship...life is too short. You will never know the beauty of a truly loving relationship if you stay with someone you don't respect, uphold, trust etc. If I had never divorced my first husband...I would't have found the love of my life. We have been together for 17 years and we love, honor and respect each other more as our bond deepens. Believe me...it is worth being alone for awhile because anything worth having...is worth waiting for. Now, that is just my perspective of course!
• United States
10 Jul 07
No i wouldnt of married my husband if i knew that he was going to go online and talk to other women. He lies to them as much as he lies to me. He tells them that im his ex and he says that his name is one of our sons. I told him to quit using our sons name and to please stop talking to other women. I know hes still doing it because my daughter told me. I dont know what to do. I dont have the money to find a place for my 3 children and I. My family dont have enough room for us. So im stuck here until i can save enough money to move out. I cant trust him at all. Even when he goes to work i know hes doing something. I dont even want him to touch me anymore because of this.
• United States
11 Jul 07
I'm sorry to hear that. My husband has cheated on me at least 2 or times. It's hard to get over that. Take care.
@ESKARENA1 (18261)
9 Jul 07
im lucky in the sense that i have married the only person i would ever want to marry. However, i think its a terrible thing when we become trapped in a bad relationship. Life really is too short, and if i was in a relationship like that, I would just leave blessed be
• United States
10 Jul 07
Yes, life is too short. I'm glad you're with someone good.
@jal1948 (1359)
• India
9 Jul 07
your husband is the same peson you found attractive enough to marry so many years ago. Your perception of him has changed. today you look at him with critical eyes and find him full of holesand considers him a sponge. what if he suddenly gets a million dollars lottery. would you till percieve him the same way.try to build his self esteem discuss matters with him show him you still have faith in his abilities and see the change taking place. remember you see what you expect to see and your husband is helping you to do that because that is what you expect ofhim.Change your percepion and see the difference.God Bless.
• United States
10 Jul 07
His looks are not the problem. The fact that he doesn't get and keep a job and help pay the bills, buy food, and he won't even help clean the house, and doesn't even appreciate all that I do. That's the problem. He's so greedy that if he won the lottery, he's spend it all on himself, or just leave me then.
• Malaysia
9 Jul 07
I am happy with my mate. I always think it this way, always be satisfied with what you have. You may regret later if you throw away what you have today, because you might need it later. Everybody makes mistakes, so I must forgive and forget. That's the recipe for happiness in a marriage.
• United States
10 Jul 07
That's great for you. For me, on the other hand, I've been cheated on, sponged off of, and slapped around in my younger years, etc. ,it's hard to forget. Especially when he's not getting any better.
@ElicBxn (63664)
• United States
9 Jul 07
I'm sorry you are so unhappy with the jerk. I think that's probably why I never married - didn't think I'd be happy. I am happy with my roommates. We get along, we have our responsiblities, we don't have any expectations for more than friendship.
• United States
10 Jul 07
When I was younger, I thought I needed to have a man to be happy. Bit now that I'm older and wiser, I know I can be hapyy and more at peace by myself.
@mestr12 (226)
• Philippines
9 Jul 07
I am happy with my mate. Sometimes I wish I never married but most of the times, I am happy with my partner. There are times that my husband can be so insensitive and I want to punch him in the face but there are times that he can be so adorable and lovable. I know he also feels the same way with me. So, if I have to do it all over again, I would marry my partner. I do not want to change him for another.
• United States
10 Jul 07
That's good, I'm glad you're happy.
• Philippines
9 Jul 07
As a strong woman as I am, I would leave him alone. I wouldn't need an irresponsible head in my house or father my kids. Women can make it happen. We can make everything happen. From bearing a child to making ourselves happy,independent, protected, and comfortable.
• United States
10 Jul 07
Good answer, thank you.