Would it be wrong to beat her?
By gardengrrl
@gardengrrl (1445)
United States
July 8, 2007 10:17pm CST
OK, maybe not BEAT, beat, but just... BEAT her, you know?
My a-SIL has been growing her mane of lovely, silvery hair for as long as I have known her. It reached halway down her back. During her hospital stay, her hair got a bit tangled (BIRD'S NEST), but patience and gentle combing when she got home fixed it, mostly. My bro & I had hatched a plan to talk her into letting a barber take it all off before the chemo starts, so we could get her a custom made wig of her own hair. We found a couple of places that do this.
We hadn't talked to her about it yet because we don't have the pathology report yet, so it's too soon to talk about the chemo, and side effects, etc.
Sunday afternoon, I went over their house to stay with a-SIL while bro went grocery shopping. Her youngest sister came over to visit, so I went into the office to play with the computer. Imagine my shock and surprise when I came out an hour later to a-SIL's new, above-the-shoulder pageboy! Apparently, Li'l sis took it upon herself to pull all that hair into a ponytail and whack it off. It's f**king crooked and all hacked, AND it's too short for me to fix it! I'm not a beautician, but I can do simple maintainence trims. I just want to kill her!
Of course, I smiled and said something appropriate, so as not to upset my poor a-SIL. When I see that little twaddle after the surgeon's appointment Tuesday, I will be sure to outline her transgression for her in an unmistakable way!
I never met any of a-SIL's siblings in the 3 years she's been with my bro, where in the heck does this chick get off pulling a stunt like this? Did it not occur to her that the man in a-SIL's life might have input on the matter? A-SIL is not quite herself, she's got problems with the part of memory that helps identify consequences before you act, when she looked in the mirror she almost cried.
Can't I just beat her a little?
1 person likes this
5 responses
@CinderInMySoul (4717)
• United States
9 Jul 07
you're not her mother..why does it bother you so much? she is going thru a lot herself and even with a bad choice "whim" she certainly doesnt deserve you being mad at her. you should help her and take her to a hairdresser to get it fixed. she may have been upset when looking in the mirror, but are you sure it was truly about the hair and not the stress and worry of the cancer coming out and the hair being the "straw that broke the camels back" as it were?
it sounds like she needs everyones support right now, dont ruin her feeling like she can "lean" on you for that support by being mean cause of something as silly as a bad hair cut when she's got cancer to deal with.
2 people like this
@mummymo (23706)
•
9 Jul 07
awww honey I can understand how you must feel and also how much you want to beat her (be it a little or a lot) Maybe her sister thought she was helping but really it was thoughtless and irresponsible! As you say there hasn't been much contact between them for 3 years she feels guilty and is trying to make up for it in a misguided wayt! I do hope that chemo is not necessary and that when her hair has grown a bit it can be tidied up and grown out! I am so sorry that this womans ignorance has spoilt your back up plans to help your a SIL! Try not to get too upset sweetie - hopefully the good news your aSIL will get tomorrow will make you feel better! Hugs to you all! xxx
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@gardengrrl (1445)
• United States
9 Jul 07
Thanks, mummymo! You always know how to help me feel better! Big hug!
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@mummymo (23706)
•
9 Jul 07
I actually started writing a comment to the response above - telling them they should maybe read through your earlier posts and then try and put themselves in your position; that you doing a fantastic job of looking after your aSIL after a horrible period of uncertainty and her having brain surgery but it got lost - don't ask how cos I don't really know...but I am glad it did as you pout it much better! I know you are doing a fantastic job sweetheart and that you love your aSIL an awful lot! I am very glad if I can make you feel better in anyway sweetheart! Big Hugs xxxx
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@wiccania (3360)
• United States
9 Jul 07
Was the sister aware of her mental state before she hacked her hair off? If so, then she deserves to be slapped for her serious lack of judgement. At the very least, your brother is well within his right to give her a serious telling off.
I can certainly understand your ire. It seems that you care a great deal about your sister-in-law, and have great concern for her feelings. She's sick, she'll likely lose the hair that she clearly took great pride in. The plan that you and your brother came up with was indeed a good one, to let her get a nice wig made of her own hair -- so she can still take pride in her hair.
@gardengrrl (1445)
• United States
9 Jul 07
I believed the sister understood a-SIL's situation mentally, but apparently not. It was even more irritating that I was just a couple of rooms away, if a-SIL was having a martyr moment, it would have been easy to call me in to "witness the event" or "consult on the new 'do", or whatever, to get a status check without hurting a-SIL's feelings or dignity.
(I use the phrase, "martyr moment", because her nickname before all this began was "our beloved Martyr Queen". She laughed at that everytime we called her by it, because it is so true! She usually says something like, That's right, dammit, I'm no drama queen! in reply.) it wasn't as if the sis was a professional stylist, or anything.
Ah, well, at least no lasting harm has been done.
Besides loving her for herself, this woman got my deeply loved little brother off his self-destructive path and helped him turn it all around. I would adore her for that alone, but she is a genuinely wonderful person, too.
Thanks for stopping by!
@nadinetannous (138)
• Australia
9 Jul 07
I'm sorry, but was your question a joke!?
Are you literally asking if it's okay to beat someone?
Are you bloody insane? Do you not have any respect for another human being? Why does HER HAIR concern YOU!?
And how are you related to her anyway. From what I got from your description, am I right in assuming she's your sister in law?
Also, you stated that she has mental difficulties. Is it because of this that, instead of explaining to her like a civilised human being would to another about what has been done is "wrong", you instead want to physical harm her?
Personally, I think you need to control your anger and think carefully at the matter at hand. The woman is obviously going through a difficult time in her life and you beating her is obviously not going to help!
Nadine.
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@gardengrrl (1445)
• United States
9 Jul 07
Hi, nadine!
Yes, it was not a literal question, just a way to express my frustration. I understood some of the information I failed to offer after I put the discussion up. I wrote about it in the second response above, if you care to know more.
Except for an occasional sharp slap to the hand of a little one reaching for a hot stove, I don't believe in hitting anyone. It just doesn't produce the desired results, and degrades everyone involved. I'm just frustrated and frightened, and try to compensate by being hypervigilant. It won't be a bad thing, as long as I don't make myself or anyone else crazy with it!
Thanks for stopping by, and taking the time to "talk" to me. Be well!
@cybermom45 (196)
• United States
9 Jul 07
Did it occur to you that maybe your SIL asked her Sister to do this because she is afraid of what the chemo will do and remembered how hard it was when she was laid up in the hospital and it got all tangled and ugly looking, so she thought maybe cutting it now would be easier for her to handle. Did you and your brother talk to her about your plan or was she suppose to read your minds? Having very long hair is difficult to handle, maybe she just got tired of it. It was her choice not yours. Deal with it.
1 person likes this
@gardengrrl (1445)
• United States
9 Jul 07
My apologies for a rough response when I failed to provide the full story. The missing info is in the next post, if you care to read it.
@cybermom45 (196)
• United States
9 Jul 07
gardengrrl, I do understand your difficulties right now, just as I understand your almost SIL's difficulties.I had 3 anuerysms burst in my brain nearly 10 yrs ago now and had major brain surgery as well. My family had to watch over me all the time when I came home also. It was very frustrating for me to not be allowed to make my own decisions. I understood what was going on, but my short term memory was shot. To this day it isn't in real good shape. I lost a great deal of hair from my surgery and felt ugly, not just because of my hair, but because I was no longer independent. I came to believe because of the way I was treated that my opinions didn't mean a damn because my brain was messed up. My mom was the only person who gave me options, but she too was a bit overbearing and pushy. There wasn't a whole hell of a lot I could do about it though. With all I was going through the tiniest thing like my Mom making me eat those frozen fake eggs made me cry because i didn't have any control over my life any more and I was going through so many traumatic changes.I was scared. I so desperately needed to be constantly reassured I was still attractive and still do. However now I know I'm not useless, even though I am permantly disabled now. and my opinions do matter. It just took time and understanding. Maybe you and your Brother should gently ask her if she would like to go to the hair dresser and get her new hair style evened out and styled real pretty. Given a choice you might be suprised at how she responds.
I guess I did get rather angry in my response earlier, but it touched a nerve that seems to still be a tad raw. I will be praying for you all.
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