Why do some people "let themselves gp" once they have married or settled-down?
By Nykkee
@Nykkee (2522)
Canada
July 9, 2007 9:02am CST
You always here people say it when you first get married or settle into a domestic situation, "Now you can let yourself go." But why? Whyy would you want to do that? I don't understand. I have been married for almost a full year now, and I have been with my husband for 3. In that year I have heard at least 4 different people tell me that I am married now, that I should realx and gain some weight. Why would I want to gain some weight? I do not think that I am too thin. This all makes so sense to me. When I was single, and living alone, I would sometime go for months in the winter without shaveing my legs, why would I bother? There was no one to see that they were hairy, they were always hidden under pants. Now that I am with my husband I don't feel like I can do that anymore, because now he will see my hairy legs if I don't shave. He is there, I am no longer alone, and so I no longer feel like I have an excuse to be a slob. When I was single gaining a few accidental pounds wouldn't have mattered as much because they would be hidden by clothing and never seen. Now if I got fat he would see it every time I change my clothes or took a shower or when we "go to bed". I have more motivation to take care of myself now know that I have my husband as a constant audience. I love him very much and I want to look good for him. When he sees me I want him to feel happy and proud to be with me, and I want him to want me. So why do some people let themselves go (or tell others to), and gain a bunch of weight (not a pound or two, some people really get big) and stop dressing nicely or taking time with thier appearance, once they find the peron they will spend thier lives with? It's not just women that I am refering to here either, men do it too. So what do you think? Why do people do this? Did you let yourself go after you settled down? If so why? (And no, gaining weight from a pregnancy does not count as letting yourself go, that is not your fault, that is for the baby.)
3 people like this
10 responses
@lecanis (16647)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
9 Jul 07
Hmm, this is an interesting question. I have heard quite a lot of people express the opinion that "letting yourself go" after marriage is normal because you no longer have to worry about catching a partner, but then there are also the people who warn that doing so will cause your partner to look elsewhere!
Personally, I suppose I can say that I haven't "let myself go" because I simply haven't changed my behavior either way. I have never been a person who was too involved with appearances. When I was young, I occasionally dressed up or used makeup to go out with friends, but even then it was literally my friends "dressing me up". I've never been too good about shaving my legs (because I'm a klutz mostly) and I just don't overall care too much about that sort of thing.
My weight is a totally different issue for me, because I have severe health problems that have to take precedence in such considerations either way. However, my husband is of the type who is actually only going to complain if I lose weight, not gain it! So that's also not something that I have to ever think of as an issue in our relationship, because he likes my figure the way it is.
I guess in my case I was just lucky to find someone that I am really compatible with in terms of appearances. =)
2 people like this
@lecanis (16647)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
9 Jul 07
I do use Nair occasionally, but it never seems to work very well for me. It's not that it irritates me or I'm allergic to it, but the hair just doesn't want to come off. And waxing is just definitely not for me. An electric razor does work better for me than a blade one, so I can't cut myself, but even that just seems like a lot of effort, and doesn't always come out so close. So unless I'm going to wear a skirt or shorts, I usually just don't worry about it too much.
Come to think of it though, I'm going to try some of those new other brands of hair removal lotions soon, and see if they work better than the Nair did for me. Maybe it's just a matter of the specific chemicals used.
2 people like this
@Nykkee (2522)
• Canada
9 Jul 07
That is really great for you, I am glad to hear that you and your husband are so comfortabel with each other, and also that you didn't stop careing for yourself after marriage. You should try something like Nair if you cut yourself alot when you shave, those little shaving nicks hurt so much when water gets on them. I would use Nair or something but I have a latex allergy and I don't react well to it, but it does get rid of the hair.
2 people like this
@Nykkee (2522)
• Canada
9 Jul 07
Yeah I think you are right. Men probably are worse for it, because for whatever reason it is more socially acceptable for a man to get fat and do nothing about it then it is for a woman. But still, why? Why do they do that, they cared what they looked like when there was no one to see them looking like crap and now that they have someone they don't care anymore?
1 person likes this
@cher913 (25782)
• Canada
9 Jul 07
well i think some men that are middle aged tend to settle and then they get fat...i know that is what has happened to my hubby and it looks gross!! (i nag him all the time about it)
i am not saying that i have the perfect body either, but at least i am working on it!!
2 people like this
@compumom (738)
• United States
10 Jul 07
I think this is a good question. I guess it depends on what your motivation is to keep yourself 'together'. I've been married for 17 years. After having two kids, I've put on about 10 pounds. I guess that's not so bad for 17 years of marriage.
My motivation not to let myself go is two-fold. First of all, I've got to look at myself in the mirror. I would prefer not to be 50 pounds overweight and out of shape. Secondly, I like to set a good example for my kids. They are now 16 and 11 and they are both trim and fit. They play sports and appreciate the ability to run around and not huff and puff after taking a few steps.
My hubby on the other hand, has managed to pack on quite a few pounds. I guess his motivation to stay trim is different. Personally, I would like for him to return to his former physique. We encourage him, but he's got to make up his mind to do the work. We can't do it for him.
Unless exercise and fitness is one of your life's priorities, it seems that over the years your physique starts to 'go'.
@Nykkee (2522)
• Canada
10 Jul 07
Well you are right, 10 lbs over 17 years is not bad at all. And it is really good that you are setting an example for your kids. My husband will sometimes go for short periods where he doesn't do as much to take care of himself as he used to, but that is due to being tired from work and the fact that he used to bodybuild and that just takes so much energy. I find that he will get motivation to work out after having not for a while if he sees WWF on tv because then he gets jealous of how big the guys are and he wants to be that big too. I don't want him to be that big but I don;t worry about it too much because I'm pretty sure the WWF guys are doing a little more than working out and eating eggs.
@michele609 (1687)
• United States
10 Jul 07
I think that you are so right, I feel the same way. I think that once your married you should still keep yourself in shape and pretty. Why settle for less, lol. I am engaged and I still want to feel pretty and look pretty. Sometimes my boyfriend tells me to let myself go and to be comfordable in my own skin, but I always tell him, they way I am now is the only way that i am comfordable.
1 person likes this
@Nykkee (2522)
• Canada
10 Jul 07
Yeah you are right. I don't think letting yourself go is so much about becomeing more comfortable as it is about lowering your standards for yourself. I mean if you felt that you needed to look good when you were alone with no one to see you why don't you want to look good now that you have a constant audience, and not just any audience, but and audience of the man you love.
@sunshine4 (8703)
• United States
9 Jul 07
I don't think that people actually let themselves go, I think that age and lifestyle have a lot to do with it. I walk every night, eat right and still have the over 40 flabby arms! I never was big on working out even when I was single.
Maybe people are just more comfortable in their married situations and are just being themselves.
@Nykkee (2522)
• Canada
9 Jul 07
Yes over time that does happen to many people but I am not talking about like a long way into the relationship, obviously people age. I am mostly talking about people that you see that gain alot of weight or just show a general disregard for thier appearance quite soon after settleing down. People that look totally different on thier 1 year anniversary than they did the day beofre thie wedding.
1 person likes this
@Juanamomof5 (429)
• United States
9 Jul 07
Hello Nykee, you're right, a lot of people do let themselves go after marriage. I have gained some weight after marriage but it was due to health issues. I hurt my back and wasn't able to be as mobile as I used to be. I'm trying very hard to loose the excess weight, since I feel embarassed everytime my hubby sees me. Mind you he has never commented on it, but I know how I looked then compared to now. He on the other hand hasn't gained any weight in the 12 years of marriage. The only time I don't dress nicely is when I'm cleaning since I tend to stain everything with bleach. I also don't like to look all ragedy since you never know when company might show up.
2 people like this
@Nykkee (2522)
• Canada
9 Jul 07
Yeah I know what you mean about the company. I ususally stay in my pajamas while my husband is at work so I don't mess my clothes up cleaning, and then if somebody comes to the door i just don't answer it (hehe). I have gain like 5 lbs since my husband and I have gotten together but he says that I looked unhealthy before compared to now so I don't want to lose it everywhere, but I hate that my belly feels soft and I don't like him looking at it. His weight flucuates because he is into body building but doesn't always have time for it so he will lose some weight when he is too busy for it, then when he realizes he'll eat alot and get a tiny bit chubby so he has something to turn into muscle before he goes back at it, then he'll lost the fat and gain the weight back and then the cycle will begin again.
1 person likes this
@JoyfulOne (6232)
• United States
9 Jul 07
I've never understood this about people, but I've seen it happen often enough. I think for some (like my ex husband) they think that since they've married someone they don't have to try to impress anyone anymore. For me, I still maintained dresing nicely and keeping up my appearance, not necessarily for him, but for myself. Lots of people wonder why the romance goes out of their marriage, and I think one of the reasons is when somebody doesn't try to show their best selves to the person they're attatched to. I tried never to be lax about my appearance when I was married, but my (ex) hubby quit taking showers, grooming, brushing his teeth and all that! (I do NOT understand that mindset at all.) I think taking care of ourselves is still important even after saying 'I do', or pretty soon the spouse will be thinkin' (or saying) 'ewwwwww...no way...I won't!' I agree with some of the above posters that said they thought it was mostly a male thing. I think it boils down to self respect.
@ForbiddenBeauty (209)
• United States
10 Jul 07
I dont think people mean let themselves go in the sense that they become lazy, but when your devoted to one another and love someone their going to accept you regardless if you shave your legs or if you gain a few pounds. A person who can not accept this would be sadly very shallow and not accepting of their partners insides as well as out. After youve found someone special it becomes less of a necessity, why would it matter if youve already found someone, most people dress themselves up and put on things to attract partners, so why the need to worry so much about appearance if someone loves YOU. It doesnt mean you have to be a slob, it means you can go without shaving for a few days and still feel sexy and comfortable, unless your trying to attract other partners, in which case it would be of great concern on appearance.
1 person likes this
@Nykkee (2522)
• Canada
10 Jul 07
Yes it is nice to be comfortable and feel like you don't HAVE to look your best. But I think that if you really love your partner you would want to look nice for them. It is good for the relationship. You feel good when you know you look good and ther other person feels good when they see that you made an effort, just for them. I am comfortable with my husband and will often sit around in my pajamas if I do not need to leave the house, but I will still get washed up and brush my hair and stuffif my husband is home because I think it is nice for me to try to look nice for him.
@sid556 (30959)
• United States
9 Jul 07
I so agree with you on this. The same effort that went into getting together and keeping it alive that made you desire to be married should continue on forever after. I don't understand the whole "well I've got him/her now i can stop trying so hard." Its not even just looks that people let go to the dogs...its the whole dam relationship. It is so common. They stop relating to each other and treating each other as if they were part of the furniture. I don't have answers for you on this one. It makes no sense to me but you see it all the time. I think maybe they take love for granted just not realizing you have to take care of it always.
1 person likes this
@melzx21 (14)
• United States
10 Jul 07
I think it's a combination of many things.
One being that the person doesn't feel that they have to attract someone, because they've found the person that they plan on spending the rest of their lives with. For some people they think "OK, well we love each other enough to be committed for life, looks aren't as important."
Also, with many people there's lifestyle changes now.
And other factors of life other than marriage.
And inevitable aging, and changing metabolism rates.
There's lots of reasons, explanations, and possibilities.
1 person likes this
@Nykkee (2522)
• Canada
10 Jul 07
Yes I am aware of all those things, but as I said to a response up further in the discussion here, I am not trying to crap of people for ageing and stuff, I am more referreing to the people that settle down and then gone to hell in record time, not at any natural rate.
