Should I Tell Him?
By LadyDulce
@LadyDulce (830)
United States
July 10, 2007 1:00am CST
K, quick background: My stepdad (the only dad I've ever known) has a huge problem with the fact that I had a child at 19 before I was married and opted to keep it to myself until the third trimester. We've never been close, and I only told 4 or 5 people. Those were the ones who either had to know or are so close to me, they'd be able to enjoy it as much as I would. When I had my son, my stepdad refused to look at my son, speak to him, or even, touch him. He's also cheated me out of a considerable sum, and (as a type A personality) is very controlling and uptight. When I go back home, should I tell him I'm coming, or should I just go up and visit with my friends and see if I can get together with my younger siblings (whom I practically raised as a teen)? Seeing my siblings wouldn't require my going to the house, and the last time I went up, he claimed no one had time to see me or my son in the three days I was there. Even though I was staying 7 miles from their house. To tell him or not to tell him?
4 people like this
11 responses
@wisconsin26 (3859)
• United States
10 Jul 07
Ok for one your and adult, i don't really think it's any of his business what you do in your spare time if you wanted to have a baby that was your choice not his. If your dad wants to disown your son in all honesty let him cause one day he will relize the mistake he made doing so. and by that time your son probley won't want anything to do with him anyway or at least i know i wouldn't if someone did that to me. I say don't tell him and visit the rest of your family... I do wish you the best to you and your son.
@xkristalx (230)
• United States
10 Jul 07
No offense, but that guy seems like a jerk. I would tell him I was coming, but I wouldn't bother going to see him. That way you don't ever have to look back on the situation and say that you should have done anything different. This way if he decides to be a jerk, thats completely his call and there is nothing you can do about it. Maybe have one of your siblings tell him and have them also tell him that if he would like to see you just to give you a call and you could set something up.
1 person likes this
@LadyDulce (830)
• United States
10 Jul 07
Lol, none taken; he IS a jerk, even my mother knew it. That's what I did this past winter when I was up there last. I even called him when my plane landed and even though they live 5 minutes from the airport, he didn't even offer to pick us up or anything. My brother and sister knew I was coming. I'll always tell them when I'm going to be in town, but I don't really want anything to do with their father or his wife. Thanks for your input.
Blessed Be
@xkristalx (230)
• United States
10 Jul 07
I mean from the sound of it he wont want to set something up, but at least you offered
1 person likes this
@eden32 (3973)
• United States
10 Jul 07
I don't think I would try to see him this trip. Let him know or find out that you visited & choose not to see him. Perhaps he will realize the pain he causes you and your son if he has a dose of it too. If you need to see him to see your siblings though, then I would see him. Seeing your siblings is more important than whatever bitterness your father is holding on to.
1 person likes this
@aliensRreal (119)
• United States
10 Jul 07
That sounds like a pretty good idea! Hopefully it would get through to him and realize how many issues he has caused.
1 person likes this
@ChampagneGiggles (699)
• United States
13 Jul 07
You should tell him to blow himself. That would be hilarious. But then again I'm mean like that. But you know he deserves it.
1 person likes this
@cybermom45 (196)
• United States
10 Jul 07
He has no need to know. In the military anything you are told is on a need to know basis. If you are going to visit your friends and siblings telling them in advance would be OK so they can clear their calanders and know you are in town, for a nice visit. He chose not to be in your life or your son's life so honor his wish and leave him out of it. If you stay with a friend, one of your siblings or at a motel you won't have to go to the house. Don't let his problems mess up you and your son's visit.
@LadyDulce (830)
• United States
10 Jul 07
I agree completely. I was raised in a military household and everything really is on a need to know basis; that's why I told so few people during my pregnancy and when I moved. Too many people just don't need to know. I'm a grown@ss woman with concerns other than him, so I probably just need to suck it up and grow a pair. It's not like he can do anything to me anymore, lol.
Blessed Be
@TheCatzMeow1 (579)
• United States
10 Jul 07
You're really in a tough situation there. My dad was very disappointed with me when I got pregnant when I was 19. He wouldn't speak to me for some time (I lived with him), but eventually he came around. I can't say that your step dad will because he's had enough time to deal with his feelings. Why put yourself through an emotional wringer? I'd just go hang with my friends and arrange for your siblings to come see you. It's sad because he's missing out on a wonderful opportunity to get to know his grandson, but what can you do? Only you can make that final decision whether or not to tell him. Good luck with whatever you decide.
@disvachic (10117)
• United States
10 Jul 07
That is so messed up for him to be acting like that.I had my oldest daughter at the age of 19 and i can't imagine my grandmother acting that way because of that.Like the previous poster said let your siblings know that you are coming home so they can make arrangements.You still have your relationship with your siblings.I wouldnt even want to be around him acting like that.
1 person likes this
@arielle_jc (51)
• Philippines
10 Jul 07
i think you should know your priorities by now that you have a kid already.
i believe all people are battling with their own baggages. you father deserves your apologies and you deserve you father's forgiveness. maybe you haven't spent a good talk yet since you had your child. you need to be courageous noy just for yourself but also for your son. your son long for a grandfather i believe since i could presume he doesn't have a dad. do not rob your son's quiet longings by not having a good talk with your dad.
go and keep a step to your dad. you only need to be humble and true, i'm sure you will get over this.
God bless!!
@LadyDulce (830)
• United States
10 Jul 07
Thanks for your opinion, arielle. I've tried many times during the course of my teenage years to get my relationship with my stepfather on the right track, even though it wasn't primarily my responsibility to do so; I was the child, he was the adult. My son DOES have a grandfather, one who lives a lot closer; my biological dad. My biological dad thinks my son and nephew are direct descendants of God. He won't let us have them when he's in town, lol. I really fail to see what I need to apologize for? Would you mind clarifying? I'm not the one who stole money from a child; or checked out when that kid needed him most, leaving 15 yr olds to raise two small children. Nor am I the one who turned my back on my first grandchild. Which one of these does he need to forgive me for again? It takes two to heal a relationship and I believe I've done all I can. I'm not going to ruin my life over some man, regardless of who he is. The only male worth that much of my time and attention is my son.
Blessed Be
@tuffy999 (794)
• Philippines
13 Jul 07
Out of respect even if he does not want to talk to you tell him that you want to go home for a visit and be with your younger siblings. by doing that you will not be putting the other members of the your family in a bad situation with him. im sure in due time you will be able to solve this problem. on your part try to reach out to him
even if he gives you the cold shoulder believe me time heals.
