Please Critique
@LilyoftheThorns (12918)
United States
July 17, 2007 3:32pm CST
*I don't often write poems, usually I stick to stories. But here is an example of a poem I wrote for a class. I posted it at www.writing.com but no one has read it yet. Please tell me what you think, any criticism welcome! Thank you, enjoy.*
The Social Outcast
Eric rode his horse along the trail
Listening to the clomp of his hooves and swish of his tail
Eric’s hair matched his horses black flank
His green eyes twinkle, full of swank
His suit matched his dark appeal
It’s homemade and soft to feel
A young girl walked by, and noticed his flaw
Quickly turning away, like she never saw
She walked on without a word of hello
Scared and callow
The fear in her eyes
Brought him back to a time he most despised
Walking by a secluded house
On his way to a future spouse
A familiar and awful smell stopped him flat
Above the house, a cloud of smoke sat
At that moment a woman cried
My child’s in there, I can not let him die
Without thinking of himself at all
He ran in without a stall
A large, flaming beam fell
On the savior, it befell
Scarred but not maimed
He jumped up, wanting the child to reclaim
Outside the house the mother wept
Inside the house the man crept
With the child huddled in his arms
He ran from the house, not knowing the true harm
The mother ran to her boy
And screamed when she saw the mans face half destroyed
An ambulance came, paramedics raced to his side
He asked what was wrong, trembling inside
Back to reality, just as painful as past
Because of his help, he stands an outcast
He remembers his friends and his bride
Promising to stand at his side
He remembers the loneliness and her goodbye
So hard for him not to cry
Unable to find work because of his burned face
He writes songs and sings alone, never leaving his place
He wonders if it'll ever be the same
If his good side will remain
Will someone see past the hurt
And love him for his heroic effort?
3 responses
@darkdharma (30)
• United States
17 Jul 07
Hi Lily!
Here is what I think. You've done a great job telling the story, there is some excellent imagery here. The feeling I come away with is that you were really working to maintain your rhyme scheme, which has left a certain amount of awkwardness, and that pulls the reader out of the story.
Hope this helps!
@LilyoftheThorns (12918)
• United States
18 Jul 07
It helps a lot! :) Thank you. Are there any specfic lines that you really felt made ti akward that I could work with?
@marmalaide (470)
•
18 Jul 07
It is an interesting story and well told. However there are some places where it could be improved.
For example, the cloud of smoke that 'sat' over the house. It sounds like it is just sitting there doing nothing, but if there was a fire raging then surely it would be billowing and rising and getting bigger all the time. I would rephrase that as:
A familiar and awful smell hit him in the nose
Above the house, a cloud of smoke rose.
Also, I think if your face had been half burned off you would probably be in great pain yelling and screaming and be aware that something terrible had happened without the paramedics having to tell you. Unless of course Eric was in shock or the burns were so bad it had actually destroyed all feeling in his face.
Finally, if Eric never leaves his place because he is so ashamed of his injuries then how come he is riding his horse along the trail at the beginning?
@LilyoftheThorns (12918)
• United States
18 Jul 07
I really like how you changed that line in the poem! Thanks.
And the reason he isn't really aware of what just happened to him is because all the 'excitement' and everything that's going on he just isn't thinking about it. That actually seems to happen a lot, someone doesn't know they are hurt because they are so busy fixsating on something else.
Oh my gosh! I never realized that the beginning and end contradict eachother! lol. BIG woopsie, I'm gonna have to try and fix that...I can't change the whole beginning because the girl is the one who makes him think back...i'll have to change the end. Thanks for pointing it out to me!
@KrauseHome (36447)
• United States
18 Jul 07
Very nice. Enjoyed reading this. Good Luck with it published elsewhere.