The "Art" Of Letting Go Of The Past--An Often Hard Thing To Do

You have hit on something that has been much in my mind lately, actually. I came out of my childhood with what the doctors called "post traumatic stress disorder" and "disassociative amnesia" and I call "being severely messed up". lol I don't know how well I have done at getting over it. I got out of the bad situation for good by moving from Kentucky to Michigan to live with my husband, whom I met online. I have been back to Kentucky exactly once in the past 8 years, at a time when one of my two truly beloved family members (my great-grandfather) was dying. The other, my great-grandmother, passed on years ago. The idea of maintaining contact with anyone in my family has been something I went back and forth on over the years, and I've done varying amounts of making nice I did or didn't feel like over the years. I have a life now. I have friends, and a job (when I am healthy enough to go back), and a husband, and a lovely child. I do volunteer work mainly to help young people in the types of situations I have been in myself, when my health permits. I am generally told by others that I am a very compassionate person, and that I am amazingly stable considering my history. However, I have flashbacks, and nightmares, and many of my memories are missing or out of order, and no one can see the times when I scrub my skin until I bleed, or wash continuously hoping to feel clean, or just can't seem to make myself do anything. As the years pass, those times happen less and less often, so I guess that's good. =) Things have been weird for me lately in the question of my family. They have made attempts to contact me over the years, and I have been sporadic in accepting these attempts. But just recently with my health being what it is, I came to a decision. I decided that I would accept any contact with my family that was positive, and if at any time it became not positive for me, would reject that contact. I sent out an open invitation to be a part of my life, basically, as long as it's on my terms. And so far it's actually working! Once my health is better, I'm even contemplating a visit to Kentucky, though the rule will always be that no one who is a blood relative of mine is ever alone with my son, for any amount of time, for any reason. If having contact with my family doesn't work out, then I will at least know I gave it a real try, and then I'll move on. =)

Pyewacket I agree - no-one's life is perfect but we have to deal with the past, whether it's by therapy, talking it out, accepting...at some point you have to let go to move on, but this could take people different amount of times depending on how traumatic the experience. There has been a recent study about "co-rumination" where it has been shown that women in their need to talk all their problems through can sometimes cause themselves to be more depressed. I think that some amount of talking is good, but then after a time if it gets obsessive and you can't move on, it's time to get professional help.

My past has been a nightmare. Just about 2 days ago I decied that I will get nowhere in life, if I dont let my past be my past. It is hard at first to let it go becasue you become accustom to the hate that it builds in you. You feel as through if you keep it fresh in your mind that it will never happen again. But I learned from experience that if you keep dwelling on the past then you will never get over it!

Yes I've done that. You just get to a point where you have to or you'll never grow and resentment, ect can take over you. I think it's a really great thing to do. Though I know that some people may need help doing this too. And I encourage it strongly. You feel so much better when you're able to let it go and / or "Give it to God".

I don't think there is such a thing as perfect family anyway. I realized this at a very young age, it was something I read in one of the story books and somehow I just agreed with it then as I get older I see even more proofs how correct that saying is. But because I'm a vengeful person, I don't let go much of the past betrayals no matter how much, until I get even. Usually after I get even, I don't carry much burden in my heart and feelings anymore although things will never be the same between me and this person. But when it comes to family, usually in my case it's misunderstanding, somebody didn't like my progress or just didn't like me as a person, so I was always the one to blame. Things work out in the end when it comes to family matters, so I don't carry that anger anymore.

I do agree that letting go of the past is one way to make one move ahead. It does not mean that one only clings to the negatives in the past. There are people who enjoy life and continue clinging to it, reluctant to let go. To live in the past, whether glories or sufferings, is indeed an obstacle stumbled at one's path ahead. In my opinion, positive affirmations are good but if one clings on the need to have positive affirmations, then the person is also clinging on to something and not letting go. It is not different whether it it the past or the present or the future. I believe in letting go of the past, forget about the future but focusing on the present. In short, live in the present.

Im in agreement with you the past is over and done. Im always looking to the future and wandering what tommorrow will bring. Im a very forgiving person and believe in giving someone a second chance. I think alot of people have a problem with forgiving someone. I think that is sad. Forgive and try to forget and always be happy.

I did not come from a dysfunctional family. That does not mean there were not events in my past life that still come into my inner world to haunt me. But I can tell you that I have asked all of those with whom I have have had difficulties with to forgive me as I have forgiven them. I have not so much does this personally, but within my heart and feelings. I have been able to give up all those past ghosts and move more into the present moment. It is a weight that will keep you down the more you think about the not so good past. In a practical sense, we need the past to remember how to function in our everday world such as cooking and fixing things. What we don't need is to keep the dreadful parts of our past in mind. Everything there will ever be is ALWAYS in the present moment. There is NO other time that we can live in. Once you begin the process of forgiving and forgetting, it becomes easier. You will find tremendous freedom everytime you give up the haunting past. No matter how much you dwell in the past or the future, you cannot change it. You are not your past, you are only what you are in this moment and that can be anything you choose it to be.

Hello black cat. There's really no such thing as perfect family. Only, there are some who are lucky to have at least a decent family to speak of. Like you, I do not like to dwell on the past anymore. But what about when the past, say the people, kept entering your present world? I once read a model who wrote that in order to face life with a fresh start, we need to go back to the darkness of our past and say our final farewell there. Because by doing so, you will begin to feel the sun brightly shining in your life again. It is already a past history. Why not move on and create a new history that's worthwhile.

I wish I could let go of my less than stellar family background but it's hard to do.they keep doing the things that hurt in the past so obviously I keep remembering things in the past.I try not to but it's hard when they are still doing the same things

I decided a long time ago to "get over it". Works for meee...

Hi, This is a very good question. I have had some serious problems in my life which I have actually made much worse for myself by dwelling on them. I am now 40, and up until about 6 months ago I was continuing to do this. However, when my wife left me about 6 months ago I promised myself I would no longer dwell on what has happened in my life. I am now only interested in the present and the future. This does not mean that occasionally little glimpses of the past don't come into play...they do. Nevertheless, I try to make those glimpses not last very long as I know they only bring me down. Since I have adopted this lifestyle I am a much ahppier and better person! cheers,

Well, your past will always be there. I mean, if life is like a calm surface of a lake, when you throw a pebble into the lake, it causes ripples. After that the lake is calm again. But the pebble will always be now part of the lake. We just need tolearn how to live with our mistakes and move on...:p

I try, but I'm having a hard time with it. My husband, and my motherinlaw, have done alot of stuff over the years to hurt me, and it's hard letting it go, mainly because it's still going on. I think, if, I weren't constantly reliving all the aggravation, that maybe I'd be able to put it behind me and move forward.

Yes, it is hard to do. I've done it. After being molested by my mothers boyfriend and her not believeing me, and then she chose him over me. I knew that it did no good to dwell on the past. I have forgiven both of them. My mom sometimes brings it up and I just want to yell at her to let it go. She is feeling really guilty about it now.

My past has done its part in making my present and for that I can say thank you, but I won't allow it to shape my future as well. It is foolish to let unhappiness make more unhappiness. Let go and make your own brand of happiness because nothing is perfect, but that doesn't mean we can't try.

I fully understand what you mean, pyewacket. It is true that if many of us could have chosen a different background we would. My background was not so good, but thankfully, My aunt and uncle "adopted" me into their family and gave me more love than I could ever have hoped for. I guess I was one of the lucky ones. But there were other ways that I was not so lucky. I missed growing up with my natural parents; and no matter how good anyone else is to you, that's a hard pill to swallow when you get old enough to fully realize it. I once had a lot of pent up anger, but I learned to move past it. It's like that old saying, "We only go around once."

When I was a child and up until now, I have experienced a lot of pain already. Ive been hurt by my own relatives and friends. But all those pains that they've caused me made me strong. For me past would always be past, you don't have any ability to turn back the time. When its too painful for me i just let myself savor the pain for the meantime then let it go. Its hard to move on but if your determined to do it, slowly pain will fade and you'll realized "I have move on..."

I think I came from an average background. Growing up was pretty good. But my life has had many ups and downs. Life has never been perfect for me. But I sure have learned a lot , and it has made me a much stronger person. Which I am thankful for.

its hard to let go of the past but its a lesson to take forward in the present and future...remember 6 months or more of grieving is disfunctional already...better do something about it or it will cause you negative emotions....