his ex is coming between us
By red158
@red158 (333)
Canada
July 24, 2007 1:15am CST
First I'll give you a little background. I have been with my fiance for over 7 years now, we have lived together for 6.
I know one of his exes because she hangs around my cousin and some of our mutual friends (I didn't meet her until after we started dating) and this relationship was quite a few years back. I have never had a problem with him speaking to her and being on friendly terms (truth be told, I don't think I have an ex that I still don't get along with). A couple of times in the last few years he has made little comments like "you know my ex is going to be there, I hope it isn't a problem for you", "Please don't be upset if I talk to my ex tonight?". I always just laughed and told him not to be so stupid.
Now here is the problem. A few nights ago I signed into his facebook account, and there was a private message thread between the two of them. It started out innocently enough but then I read the line that has torn my heart out "oh yeah, I still miss you, take care".
I was a little quiet the next day and a half while I decided how to proceed with this, and he even remarked that he notice I'd been quiet was anything wrong. I denied a problem.
Saturday night we both had stag and does for different friends, he went to his, I went to mine. Long story short, they were just 3 blks away from each other so near the end of the night I made my way down the street. When I got there, there wasn't to many people left. I didn't see him so I returned to where I started. At this point I was still okay, because he had gotten up early that morning for work, and said he probably wouldn't stay all night. I came straight home expecting to see him here, he wasn't home. He came in about 45 minutes later and I asked him where he had been, he said he came right home from the stag and doe. I know that is not true.
During his absence I had relogged into his facebook account, and the private thread between them had been deleted, the rest of the threads were there, just this one was gone.
Anyway we had words and I confronted him with what I had read and he denied it. Said to me "show me" of course it had been deleted, but somehow I managed to bring it back up, busted it was there in black and white.
Now I'm angry and hurt. I wrote a short nasty note back to her and he actually got upset that I was going to send it. Not once during this episode did he even try to apologize or comfort me. Fast forward to now, it's now Monday no Tuesday morning and I haven't been able to sleep, I've taken tomorrow off work because I just can't function.
I guess my dilemma is this. I don't know if I can get past this. I'm hurt, angry, confused and humiliated. I have cried so much that I don't have any tears left, and yet he thinks I'm overreacting. He just doesn't get it.
Do you think I'm over reacting? And if I am how do I get past this feeling of being deceived and humiliated. Our family vacation is due to start on Saturday, I've asked him to go ahead with the kids, while I stay home. I can't pretend that everything is okay.
We've had rocky patches in the past, but the thing that hurts the most is that we were at a really good place (or so I thought) when he wrote this. I could almost understand if he had written it when we were hitting a rocky patch.
I love him with all my heart, but I don't want to be with someone who has just settled because someone else wasn't available.
2 responses
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
24 Jul 07
I really feel you.
I have had a recent discussion with my partner regarding this sort of thing. Unlike you, I really dislike his exes and I told him that if it's possible, he'd stay clear of them ~ not because they're bad company, I'm just not comfortable.
So he did. But after a while, he mis sent a text message to me for the ex. It was nothing sweet. It was just he mentioned her name and asked her something. As if they were talking continuously.
After realizing what he had done, he immediately told me why he was talking to her. Though the reason was valid, I felt hurt.
We are not overacting. We are trying to let out the feeling of being deceived and it hurts like hell. Trusting someone that he knows what sort of things to avoid so that we don't get hurt ~ Because they said they loved us.
Mine wasn't half as bad as yours but I felt really hurt a lot. So I'm guessing yours is triple mine.
You know what. Talk to him. Straight. Do not accuse that there is something going on between them. Just listen to him. I mean, if he's your fiance and loves you, he must be more interested talking to you than to anyone else. Don't shy away from the problem because it would cause him to cling to her more.
Go with the kids for the vacation. Show him how much you love him and tell him honestly why you were hurt.
Sometimes, guys wander off, and we need to lead them back to home. If he didn't love you, he would have been gone by now. So don't quit on him. Do what it takes.
As for my part, I asked him to choose really. I told him that if this relationships would contain holes of his past, then I'd gladly give him back to her. I have been working hard for this relationship, and I cannot do it alone, I need his cooperation.
From that moment on, we no longer had fights about the ex. Neither does he talk to her. He knows me, and He knows I would leave if he couldn't keep his end of the bargain.
Yes times are tough, but rest assured things would go well if we learn to fight for our love plus be frank about it.
If I may share, I talked to several married men (they're my classmate at my Master's Degree class). They told me that the worst thing a woman could do is to quit and let go when times are tough. Men are not saints, there will be times that they would go astray. But if women keep their home a loving environment, they'd see that there isn't any reason why they should look for another.
So friend, show him how much you love him. Remind him why he chose you. Don't hide your hurts through myLot alone. Talk to him about it. But do not insult. And talk in private. Let him give you solutions. and Learn to listen when he speaks.
Good luck.
Pray to God that you'll have the strength to see clearly and express your love.
=)
