What would you do if you've learned that your ex still couldn't get over you?
By Storm
@jcj_111776 (3216)
Philippines
July 26, 2007 9:25pm CST
Before I met my husband, I had a boyfriend and we were together for almost a year. It was me who broke up with him but for a very important reason. Breaking up with him was the hardest because I was still very much in love with him. I was bestfriends with his sister at that time. She told me that after the break-up, her brother went from one girlfriend after the other. She said he only did this because he was deeply hurt by what I did.
Years has passed, then I met my husband. We were engaged for almost 5 years before he proposed to me. Between those years, I've learned from a friend that my ex had gotten married already and has a child.
Just last year, I had the chance to talk with my long-lost bestfriend. She told me that her brother's wife wanted so much to meet me. And I was really surprised. I asked her what good will it do for everyone if we meet? But my friend, insisted so I relented.
When I finally met the wife, she was friendly and nice. But I wasn't fully convinced by what she was showing to me. She just kept on talking how good a father and husband my ex is. And to all of these, I just kept a polite smile pasted on my face.
Then, she told me that they gave their son a certain name. She was looking at me as if she was waiting for a reaction. And when I didn't, she asked if I couldn't remember anymore about the name they gave their son. Truth be told, I really didn't know what she was talking about.
So, she calmly explained to me that when she gave to birth to their son, her husband practically demanded that the name he has chosen be given to their child. She refused at first because she wanted another name. But her husband insisted so she relented. Curious, she asked him why he was so insistend on that name.
Then, she told me why. She reminded me that it was the name that my ex and I had planned long, long time ago. It was a name that we both have decided to give to our child if we ever get married.
I was speechless and I just looked at her. I felt as if I was in the Twilight Zone.
What was he thinking?!That was so horrible of him. If I were in her shoes, I would slap him silly. I would be disgusted, insulted and humiliated. I won't waste time seeking my husband's ex and calmly tell her what my husband did. I wanted to ask her too what's wrong with her and why was she telling me all of those things?
When her husband learned that his wife and I met, he immediately wanted to have the communication back between us. I rejected his invitation. For what purpose?
I love my family. My husband and I maybe suffering from marital spats from time to time, but I would never jeopardize my family.
But for making that decision, I think, I made my bestfriend angry with me. She stopped trying to have any contact with me whatsoever.
I have no regrets for what I've done. My past is past. I've moved on with my life and so must he. He has a family of his own now and he owe it so much to them his loyalty and respect. They don't deserve to be hurt by his selfish actions.
3 people like this
11 responses
@mykmari_08 (2464)
• Philippines
27 Jul 07
Honestly speaking, I am still in the process of realization. Am I right in breaking up with my former & first boyfriend of more than 3 years? Because just like you, I am already married with one daughter. I try so hard to be in the right path, and I can say that I am quite successful with doing so. After my husband & I met, I brushed off the thought of ever coming into terms with my ex again.
When I broke up with my first boyfriend, he never stopped texting me but the message from him which I couldn't ignore in mind was - 'sometime in the future, maybe it will still be you & me...' I finally decided to change my number to bring peace between my then boyfriend (now my husband). My then officemates (who know that our former relationship) inquired why our affair became sour. They even asked me why I broke up with him. It was a very reasonable cause, really. But it irritated me when they gave me an unsolicited advice to not break up with him. If I did so, someone else would suffer.
Up to this very day, I am avoiding the thought that one day, my ex & I would meet. I couldn't say that I still have feelings for him or none anymore. Just like you, I wouldn't jeopardize my own family because I love them.
I am leaving it all to God's will.
@miketomeo (124)
• United States
27 Jul 07
I probably would be sensitive about it, but try and not lead the person on. It looks like you're doing the right thing.
2 people like this
@jcj_111776 (3216)
• Philippines
29 Jul 07
Hey, thanks. I do hope that my decision haven't pushed my friend away. She must understand the situation that her brother, his wife and I are in. It's just too complicated.
@Marie2473 (8512)
• Sweden
27 Jul 07
I would think that his wife would have something to say about this. i would hate it if my husband and done that to me..
My bf has just recently broken up with me after living a year and a half together. he sayd he still loves me and I sure love him.. If I ever find out that he has named his first baby as anything we ´ve ever talked about I would be horrified as well
2 people like this
@jcj_111776 (3216)
• Philippines
29 Jul 07
I still can't understand why his wife made a move like that on me. It's not as if I want to have a connection again with her husband. I made it very clear to her that I'm very happy with my husband and son now. I thought that should help her conquer her fear of losing her husband.
@nikko84111 (368)
• China
27 Jul 07
i think you make a right decision~
it is right to reject him~
you should not involve in such a situation any longer~
i think you have to focus on your family and forget your ex~
i think you family is the most important for you~
nomatter what you ex think, you should reject him~
let it pass~
2 people like this
@jcj_111776 (3216)
• Philippines
28 Jul 07
Thanks. I know that there are people who can still be friends with their ex but my ex's intent was obvious. It wasn't only friendship he wanted, i'm pretty sure of that. I am totally focused on my family, especially to my son. And they are very important to me.
@sid556 (30959)
• United States
27 Jul 07
i would be very flattered. It always feels good to know that we meant something to someone that meant something to us. I would not try to disect any deeper meaning from it than that. You are happily married and so is he. I am thinking that it took him a long time to get over you and now that he finally has, he wants you to know it. You obviously meant alot to him. Maybe now he has reached a point where he can be and wants to be your friend.
2 people like this
@jcj_111776 (3216)
• Philippines
29 Jul 07
That's the exact same thing my sister told me. It has something to do with a woman's ego. I truly wish that his only intention is to let me know that he's finally accepted our past and has decided to move on. I haven't included this in my discussion but my sister and my ex had been bestfriends before. They worked for the same company, and that's how we met. My sister helped me get a job in her company. Anyway, even when we broke up, he still has contact with my sister. And she admitted to me that there was a time that he called and asked about me. He didn't want to ask about my husband though. Just eveyrthing about me, what's happened in my life. And this was the time that he's already married and has a child. I know that what we've had was very special. The love was really there but it wasn't meant to be. If he does reach that point and has come to his senses to let go of the past, then I will be very happy for him. Because finally, he can give the whole of him to his son and especially to his wife.
@jcj_111776 (3216)
• Philippines
29 Jul 07
I sure hope you're right. But until now, she still doesn't make a move.
@secretbear (19448)
• Philippines
20 Aug 07
i think you've made the right decision. i would have done the same thing. knowing that your ex named their baby with the name you both held special BEFORE, it's a clear sign that your ex could bring trouble to you.
what i couldnt understand is why your longlost bestfriend had insisted that you meet her sister-in-law when she knew that you had a relationship with her brother who was sooo affected by your break-up. and what did her brother was thinking in naming their baby with the NAME! i mean, its not that bad but what made it bad is that he told his wife the reason behind it. didnt he know he would hurt his wife just by that?? if i were also in the wife's position, i would slap him, both cheeks. i might even punch him in the face. ^__^;;
bottomline, you've done the right thing. but if he continue to ask you to meet him, i guess you better tell him straight to his face that what he's doing is crazy and nothing good would be gained by it. and that you both should move on, you've moved on and youre happy with your family. he should understand that. ^__^
@jcj_111776 (3216)
• Philippines
21 Aug 07
hello secretbear!^_^
I'm very glad that he had stopped trying to build the communication back between us. Maybe he finally realized the big mistake that he had done. I'm not sure what my friend motive's was by asking me to meet her sister-in-law. Sometimes when I think back to that day, I feel as if I was set-up by them. You know, trying to gauge my reactions, trying to see if I still have feelings for my ex.
Well, the only thing that I regret is that I lost my friend with what I have chosen to do. But I know that I've done the right thing. It's for everyone's best and everyone's peace of mind. Especially his wife.
@Zelmarq (12607)
• Cebu City, Philippines
28 Jul 07
Honestly speaking I would be very flattered to know if my ex would still be thinking about me and is still not able to get over me.
I would be a hypocrite if I say that I would be sad about it, it nice to think that someone is still interested about me.
The problem is that in the case of your ex boyfriend is the wife, I cant blame her for feeling resentment and maybe hatred towards you.
As what you have said if you were in her shoes you could have slapped him for doing so.
But the behavior of your ex is beyond your control, maybe you can talk to him his unfinished business and be able to tell you what ever it is that have caused him to be acting this way.
Dont think negative about talking to him, his behavior may be caused by the unfinished business with you, its about time to finally put an end and treat each other as friends. You can ask your husband if its ok with him for you to talk with your x. If your husband wont agree so don’t pursue talking to him. But if its ok with him then talk it over with your ex once and for all. This is only my suggestion, and what I think about the issue, you can take this suggestion or leave it.
All is well that ends well.
I hope that you end things well with your ex.
Happy mylotting.
1 person likes this
@jcj_111776 (3216)
• Philippines
29 Jul 07
Hi zelmarq.
I understand his wife's hatred and resentment towards me because those are natural feelings. And I would appreciate the resentment more than the weird friendliness she showed me. My husband knows about my ex. And up to the point when my ex wanted to open the communication between us again. What my husband only said was that it's my choice. He didn't get angry or upset. But he was waiting for me on what I will do next.
If it's unfinished business, he should have talked about it with me years before. When we were still unmarried. Things like these are too complicated to handle. Because there are other people to consider now. I've decided to sever any connection between me and my ex. And that includes his sister, my bestfriend.
All I want is to live quietly with my family. Now, if my ex can't still handle it, he should deal with it himself. I can't reach out and help him. It's his wife's right to do that.
Thank you again with your advice. ^_^
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
28 Jul 07
I was appalled when she said her husband told her about the story of the name. He is insane and so insensitive doing that to someone who obviously loves him very much and just labored for their new baby.
That's really insulting. And if I was her, I would have really been upset and would once and for all let him decide to either stop this nonsense or I'll leave.
Did she allow the use of that name afterwards?
Whew.
On the other hand, did he know the reason why you left him? Did you really explain to him why? or you just called it quits?
If he knew why you left him. He should be over it by now. I mean come on! He's married!
But I'm proud of what you did. I wouldn't have given the connection anymore. I wouldn't even have met the wife or if I did, I would have lied to her and told her that you didn't choose that name. Just for her to be comforted.
Anyways, stay clear of that man. He's really trouble.
Good luck to you and to your family.
Did you talk to your husband about this guy? Maybe someday someone would just go to your husband to ruin your family. It's best he knows before anything bad happens.
1 person likes this
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
30 Jul 07
Oh, he should have definitely gotten over you by the. Whew. Tough luck you had to let go of his sister as your best buddy. But it's ok, I'd do the same.
About your husband, yeah you should help comfort his doubts at this moment.
Maybe he's worried that guy might do something to hurt you or your family. Hmm.. Is it possible to have a restraining order against him? *LOL* He's obviously nuts.
I'm so sad about his wife though. I hope he recovers from his stupidity soon, or his family would surely suffer.
Whew.
1 person likes this
@jcj_111776 (3216)
• Philippines
3 Aug 07
You know my sister said to me that in a way, knowing that my ex still could not forget me, is a little ego-booster. And I said yes, but it's still unnerving. Knowing that there's a wife out there, maybe cursing me and everything because of what she's going through.
I know he's not a stupid man and I hope he proves me right.
@jcj_111776 (3216)
• Philippines
29 Jul 07
Hello laydee.
The answer to your question is yes. She did allow the name be used for their child. And yes, when I broke up with him, I had to do it through a letter. I wasn't going to make any sense if I try to do it verbally. Because I was crying so much. I've decided that if I put it in paper, I would have a better way of explaining to him why I have to go. Why we can't be together again. Even before he became my boyfriend, and he was still courting me. We had an agreement of sorts. I told him clearly that if in the end, we weren't meant to be because of a certain reason, I will break up with him. No matter how much I fall for for him, I'd still do it. He said he understood. But in the end, it looked like that he didn't believe me that I would do it.
He should have gotten over it way before he got married and I got married. We have crossed paths several times after the break up. He ignored me completely which was understandable because he was still hurting. But when I've learned that he started hopping from one girlfriend to another, I knew it was time to really let him go. I knew he was hurting that's why in just a month of our break up he started his collection of girlfriends. But I was deeply hurt by what he did. Because even when we were long gone, I remained loveless for 2 lonely years. I wasn't pining away for him anymore but I was really lonely. And I asked God for help because there were times the loneliness was too great for me. So, He answered. He let me meet again a friend of mine whom I've lost contact for 6 years. And this man is my husband now for almost 6 years.
Back to what I was talking about earlier.
Thank you for being proud of me. It was a little hard to decide to finally sever any ties with my ex. because it would mean, ending my friendship with his sister. But in this complicated situation, I would rather lose a friend than lose my husband's trust and respect. My husband knows everything about my ex. We had some chitchat about our exes when we sometimes have time to recall some of our past. And he knows about my meeting with the wife. He didn't say much but I know that he was starting to get worried. That's why I chose to not give him any reason to doubt me.
@nutea_anin (281)
• Indonesia
14 Aug 07
wow..i think it's a interesting story you have. i agree with you,what is your ex wife invited you for? just to let you know her son's name? and your ex is also weird. i mean..it's ok if he wanted to give his son a name you guys already planned but no need to tell his wife about it..if i were her,i would be so mad..and yes you did the right thing by rejected his invitation to get involve into his life again.i think it could create a problem someday. just focus on your life now and maybe you can proud of yourself that you ex actually cannot really forget you 100%. it means that you are a very special person and your husband must be lucky to have someone like you
@jcj_111776 (3216)
• Philippines
14 Aug 07
hello nutea.
That was so sweet of you. i really feel sorry for his wife, though. i just can imagine the pain she goes through everytime she looks at their son, thinking that his name connects me to them somehow.
My ex was totally selfish. And i do hope that he finally realize that he's very lucky to have his wife and their son in his life. It means he'll never grow old alone and miserable. That there are people around him who loves him unconditionally and whole heartedly. i do hope he finally sees that.
And thanks again.^_^
@mackaltman (129)
• United States
27 Jul 07
To tell you the truth, who really cares if your ex can't get over you. Now I have to admit, I would always love someone drooling over me, but that doesn't mean that I have to sleep with him/her. I mean seriously. There are plenty of people out there that won't get over one another, and even more truthfully almost everyone's first they never get over. So I say that you should just move on, unless it's a problem that he's not over you because you still feel something for him. And if that's the case then that's your own personal thoughts.
2 people like this
