confusions over woes :(

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Being the eldest daughter in the family is a big responsibility. Though I strive to give everything to my family, there is a certain part of me that would say "Hold on and think for yourself,". It all started one night when my mom called. She was crying. She said that the bank is already demanding for us to pay the full sum of the loan or else our house will be pulled out. Though it may be a small sum for some people, but it is a definitely a huge one for us. I dont have any savings or any bank account. That is because most of the time when I save, there is always a time when my mom will need them or my sister would need it. Based on my calculation, I am supposed to have more than P20,000 pesos ($400 +) by now if I didnt give this sum to them. At my age, it is already an achievement. But I am now zero out because of credit card debts from my father, loans from mom and daily expenses for my sister. I don't know what to do now. Sometimes I think that I would disappear for a whole ten years. I want to save up some money for the future. To know what it means to be selfish for once. To say "NO" for once. But I can't do it. Duty bids me to do it. Sometimes I thought of America. The status of life there is quite different from the movies or even from the books I read. People there are independent. Once you are 18 years old, you can get out and live a life. It is quite nice at one point. But I am not in America. I am in the Philippines and family ties rule every action and decision. In sense, I am poor. Though I reserved something for food and transportation. I am thinking that it is still not enough. My friend mentioned that I should give myself some time, treat myself, love myself. I should experience what it is like to have money and enjoy it. But then this sum would only pass through my hands. I am in a deep hole. Sometimes I think I should kill myself but I did not. Sometimes it is so unfair to be this way. All I wanted is to have a bank account and watch it grow as time pass away then live and enjoy life after the days work. It gives me a sense of achievement ever since I was a child. But I can't do that because most of the time people would steal them or borrow and never pay me back. People may not understand that but it is the way I am. Call me a drama queen. Oh hell!:(