Adopted Children

I think it would be better at a younger age to because teenagers are already predisposed to be going through a lot of emotional and physical changes during this time and I think telling someone they were adopted then would have a detrimental affect on the child. Like you said they would feel a sense of betrayal, confusion, and anger.

I think it's better to tell a child that they are adopted when they are young, at the earliest age that they can understand it. At that age it would be much easier to explain and make them understand why is it so. They would not feel that much hurt and will easily overcome and recover from it. After revealing to them the truth there will be much more closeness because there's no more secrets in the family. :-)

I'm hesitant to answer, for fear of being grossly wrong. That being said, I think it's best to tell them when they're young.

I'd say young. you wouldn't have to go into great detail. but some people are really messed up by finding out that relatives aren't who they thought they were, and it can really send some people off the rails. I don't get why, myself. but it must be so much easier if it's just one of those things about your life that you've always known.

I definitely think it's a better idea to tell them when they're very young. Waiting would only make them feel, as you said, like you have been hiding something and lying to them their whole life. I don't believe in keeping things from children, they are a lot tougher and more understanding than we give them credit for. I know my parents kept a lot of things from me about family members until I was older and I, in some cases felt a bit upset and betrayed. There was no good reason for it. The only thing that kept me from getting very angry was I know they did it to "protect" me in their own way.

You have a good point, teenagers are already going through such turbulence and identity problems - who am I, how do I fit? I've thought about this as I want to adopt one day. I think I would emphasize that I CHOSE them. And, just like the child I carried, whom I love in equal proportions, I love them unconditionally. Great topic as it is a sensitive subject - do you have kids - or do you plan to have some?

I guess I'm going to go against the grain here. I really think it depends on the situation. Two parents adopting a child, is different from one parent being the birth parent while the other is an adoptive parent. Let me see if I can explain. When I got pregnant with my oldest daughter I did not know who the father was. When I found out I found myself alone raising her for two years before my husband re-entered my life. He had been my friend during my pregnancy, was in the labour and delivery room with me. He eventually adopted my daughter. He loves her like she is his own and actually forgets sometimes that she is not. My daughter is 14 years old and we have not told her that he is not her biological father. There are a lot of variables to consider. She had anxiety issues at 11 years of age and adding fuel to the fire was not something we thought was best so we decided to wait. I don't want her to know what a stupid thing I did in finding myself pregnant and not knowing who the father was. And finally, her biological father has three other daughters by three other women. We're talking soap opera here. The guy doesn't see any of his kids. Mine is the only one who doesn't know he is her father. My 14 year old daughter is bright and happy most of the time. She thinks I am a cool mom but has some issues with "Dad" (his priorities are a little screwed up putting his golf game ahead of her basketball tournament, to name one). I do not think telling her he is not her biological father at this point in time is best. At least it is not right for us. I believe there are many clues she can find and may have some suspicions. I have given her every opportunity to ask questions and she has chosen not to. I believe when she wants to know she will ask. I don't have a perfect little family. I don't pretend to either. But I also don't want to turn this reasonably happy family upside down where she might go off on her father, or even her sister, by saying they are NOT her father and her sister. As I said off the top, I think every situation is different and it is up to the parents to make the decision they believe is best. I think that if my husband and I adopted a child from birth, I would still find it hard telling her she was adopted because who knows WHEN the exact RIGHT time is? At what age can they understand without feeling slighted, different, not part of the family? That's my experience and that is what we have chosen to do and we believe it is what is best.

I worked in an adoption registry for years. I found talking to adoptees that the ones that knew from early childhood had a better understanding & realization of both the sacrific their BM made to give them a better life. Many still wanted to meet their BMs, but it wasn't like they were trying to "fix" whatever they thought was wrong about their lives, more to thank them for making the brave choice to have them & give them up.

I agree. For the most part I think the earlier the better, younger children seem to take such things in stride as they are not in the middle of the sort of identity crisis that is part of being a teenager. Telling them when they are young seems like a good way to give them the information without making a huge deal out of it. Then when they get to the age when they are in the midst of figuring out who they are, the information is already there and not a huge surprise accompanied by feelings of betrayal. I'm certainly no expert on the subject though, just remember what being a teenager was like and trying to imagine the outcome of both choices.

Telling your child he is adopted can be a traumatic experience for many children. The very worst time to tell them is in their teen years. This is when your child is at his most vulnerable and trying to deal with many things all at once. Adding this news to the mix is rarely a good idea. Instead it is better to let them know at an early age, when it is easier for him to accept.

A lot of good responses on here. I just wanted to share with you my experience. My father is my real dad, but my birth mother left when I was 18 mos. old. Dad re-married when I was 3 to my mom. I was absolutely blessed with a great dad and a wonderful mom who accepted me as her own from day 1. Her family too. My grandma NEVER made me feel like I was anything but her grandson. I even have suspicions that I was her favorite. :) Maybe because I let her know how much I loved her and appreciated her. I never took her for granted. They didn't HAVE to be my family. They CHOSE to. I always knew about my BM. I always knew that mom wasn't my real mom. I loved her very much more because she chose to be my mom. I still do. Now... the down side... I also always felt different. No one made me feel that way. It was just how I felt inside. I felt like an outsider. I felt like I didn't quite belong. It was so hard growing up and not knowing anything about the other half of me. Despite all of the things I knew and know about my BM, I still wanted her. I wanted her to accept me and love me. Many times, I cried myself to sleep wondering why she didn't love me, why she didn't want me. (I still do sometimes.) It's difficult for me to watch family movies. The ones with the happy endings where the whole family comes together around Mom and Dad. They're sad to me. I had a lot of happiness growing up, but a lot of sadness too. I have an 11 yr old daughter who I adopted. She was 3 mos old when my wife and I married. If I have my say about it, I'll wait until she's an adult to tell her. I'll wait until she's through her childhood and has a firm grasp on who she is and who she wants to be. I don't want her to stumble through her early life wondering who she is. Maybe I'm wrong. I hope not. I can only make my decisions based on my own personal experience. I don't know how it would feel to be told as an adult that your parent is not who you thought, but I CERTAINLY know how it feels to be told as a child. I do NOT want my daughter to feel that pain. Anyhoo, my 2 cents. :)