Who is really the homewrecker?
By pilbara
@pilbara (1436)
Australia
August 28, 2007 5:23pm CST
There has been quite a few stories recently about women who are refered to as homewreckers. They are single women who get involved with a married man who subsequently leaves his wife for them.
In some cases they knew the man was married and in some cases not. However, in all stories not much is said about the man, the worst I could find was that man x had been "having an affair" with the other woman. They didn't even go so far as to say that the man was cheating on his wife.
Why is it that all the blame seems to be placed onto the "other woman" and none on the man, since he is absolutely sure he is in a relationship why shouldn't it be said he has done the wrong thing and if he really had to end his relationship with his wife that he could at least end it before moving on?
I don't understand this double standard and it similar to the one of if a man is involved with a number of women he is a stud, but if a woman does the same thing then she is a tart.
7 people like this
8 responses
@brendakaya (2332)
• United States
29 Aug 07
My husband has cheated on me, at least 3 times. All the women, knew he was married, and had small kids. They didn't care. In my book, that makes them homewreckers. On the other hand. My husband also knew that he was married, and had small kids. In my opinion, that makes him, the biggest homewrecker of all. After all, we never meant anything to the women, but we were supposed to mean something to him. I am still with him, after almost 33 years, but that killed my love for him, pretty much. I don't trust him, and I can't honestly say that I ever forave him. How low can you be to cheat on your pregnant wife, and right after the birth of your child? Makes him a bum, in my opinion. Sorry, I needed to vent....again.
2 people like this
@pilbara (1436)
• Australia
29 Aug 07
Thanks for your reply and sorry to hear this has happened to you. I agree that if you know someone is in a relationship you should not get involved with them until they are available and I know this may be difficult, but if you knowingly get involved with someone in a relationship then there is defintely some fault there but as you say I see the main fault belonging to the man or woman in the relationship, not the other person.
1 person likes this
@brendakaya (2332)
• United States
29 Aug 07
Oh, absolutely, the man knows better, and the woman is not forcing him. If he can't control himself, then he needs to be neutered, or stay single, to begin with. If I could stay faithful to my husband, even after he's cheated on me, all those times, he certainly doesn't have any excuse for doing it, to begin with. There is no valid excuse for cheating on a spouse. If you want other partners, then leave and be with them. There's so many diseases, why would they risk, not only getting it themselves, but giving it to their spouse? Selfishness, that's all.
1 person likes this
@gypsylady28 (945)
• United States
29 Aug 07
I agree with you on this, the men usually do not get the blame they deserve. But when I was single, if I thought a man was handsome or the such, if I heard he was married, I was no longer interested. We had a friend of the family recently decide that she wanted my husband, and she started making trouble, sending him emails, etc. After we confronted her, she still continued to chase after him. To me, that is a homewrecker.
2 people like this
@cutepenguin (6431)
• Canada
29 Aug 07
I've never understood this either. I mean, if the man is the one in the relationship, it's his responsibility to be faithful to his wife. The other woman, while she shouldn't allow something like this to happen, isn't married to the wife, and doesn't owe the wife loyalty like the man does.
2 people like this
@pilbara (1436)
• Australia
29 Aug 07
Thank you for your reply. That is exactly what I mean, if you are in a relatinship with someone then you owe them loyalty, trust and consideration.
A third party should not be blamed if you can't do that.
I also appreciate that sometimes that third party does know about the relationship and should then shoulder some of the blame, but the main share belongs with the person who is cheating as they know they are doing the wrong thing.
1 person likes this
@samtaylorskykierajen (7977)
• Canada
29 Aug 07
There is and always has been a double standard when it comes to men and women . You would think after all we have learned over the years that we would have evolved past this but yet we still haven't . This is done by both men and women as you will hear a woman accuse the other woman before she accuses her husband and place blame directly on the other woman . Now I can understand in cases where the woman knows the husband is married but you can't really blame someone who never knew and happened to fall in love with the same person you did yet when one feels pain it is hard to look at it this way and one would rather find someone else to blame then the one they love and care about and I believe this to be part of the reason for the double standard in this case anyway .
2 people like this
@pilbara (1436)
• Australia
31 Aug 07
thank you and that is a very good point. There are lots of examples of 2 women effectively fighting over the same man, they get annoyed with each other and he just stands back smirking. I know it might be unrealistic but I have never been able to understand why both of them put up with it.
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
29 Aug 07
simple.The sexes are not as equal as they should be.we still have these double standards that go back to the time when women who liked s$x were considered as tars and the others do it as a wifey duty.In real life this idea went out in the 50's but it is assumed that the other woman lured the man away. And because she was successful, she is the home wrecker. Like if there weren't the other woman, the husband would have been faithful.In most cases that is false but it is assumed.
2 people like this
@sacmom (14192)
• United States
29 Aug 07
I think if the woman knows the man is married then she is just as at much fault as the man, if not more as she should have avoided being with him in the first place. However if the woman didn't know the man was married than she shouldn't be blamed, because she didn't know and was an innocent party to this ugly mess.
My case is a little different. I believe my dad and sister blamed me when my dad was having an affair on my mom. I was 9 years old and my dad had taken my sister (then 11) and I to a theme park and "accidentally" ran into his mistress and her two kids while we were there. All 6 of us stayed together the rest of the day. I don't remember, but my dad might have told my sister and I not to say anything to our mom (who had been on a trip to Reno) when she got home. Whether or not he said this I "blabbed" to my mom that we ran into my dad's "friend from work".
Okay, I know it's not my fault. I also know that my dad's mistress (now my stepmom) KNEW that my dad was married...they have worked at the same place for years and my mom and us kids visited him at work often. So it was not secret that my dad was married.
2 people like this
@pilbara (1436)
• Australia
31 Aug 07
Thanks for your comment and I completely agree with you. I see it as completely selfish to be involved with someone already in a relationship if you know they are.
I understand you know it isn't your fault but that feeling must have been horrible for a 9yo.
@eachen2002 (889)
• United States
29 Aug 07
I can only say that no matter who started what, that everyone involved is at fault.Takeing responsiblity for your action is the only way to go.
