Please help! My baby can't be away from me for more then a few minutes!
By Amy
@artemis432 (7474)
Abernathy, Texas
September 2, 2007 8:34pm CST
I love - adore my baby and consider an honour to have him in my life, just like I feel about the rest of my family and friends.
He's nine months now and that separation anxiety has hit big time. Always a high need baby, but able now to play independently for longer and longer periods of time, he still needs me very close.
Even if the whole day, like today has gone by with him being busy trying out all his new cross crawling (he was crawling this way before but rarely he employed the drag/roll method of the time) and standing up and walking along things skills. Yet, even when he's ignored me except for diaper changing and feeding times, he knows the instant I leave the room.
Today is the end - or the beginning of the week - time for the tough cleaning and finishing up some things I left from last week - namely four loads of laundry to be folded and put away so that I could empty out the dryer and put a few new loads in the washer.
Luckily, I folded while he played and made a game of it as usual, the tricky part was putting it away but luckily he got hungry and fell asleep - not so when I started cleaning. He hung out with my husband and screamed bloody murder almost the whole time I was scrubbing tubs, sinks, floors and toilets of a few bathrooms.
Now he loves "conversing" with my husband normally (exchanging cave man talk - I do the real talking to him - yet he copies my husband ALL the time - not me - but my husband - its where he learned the few words he knows) and playing with him and he loves watching him and laughing - when I'm in the room. He even panics when he sees my friend on base - who has known him since he was a baby - but we both get caught up and I haven't seen her too much lately.
He does the same when I have a migraine and have to sleep three hours in a dark room -he screams and screams until he fall asleep. I get migraines a lot- usually when my husband isn't here though - but about once a week while he is.
My dilemma is this, I want to return to work so we don't have to leave the safety of the base, but I don't want him screaming the whole time - even this one job I can take on the weekend - when my husband is here, I can get 24 hours of work done at once, do a good deed and make some good money at the same time.
My husband is busy all weekend - he attends Emory Riddle Aeronotical University for Space Studies and has a lot of work he does as county director of a volunteer organization so he wouldn't be able to interact the whole time. I could hire someone - but that would negate having the money so we don't have to risk being in a potentially unsafe neighborhood we can better afford, as well as paying off school loans and being able to visit family. Unless we had a live in nanny, who was willing to work for room and board, child care is astronomical - of course they are providing a good service. My friend takes her son to a place thats 250 a week - 1000 a months. Some weeks he has to stay home - they can't afford it - with babies you pay a set price - no matter how many times he comes in.
But I wander. Should I just bite the bullet and take a job?
1 person likes this
7 responses
@HomeCooked (94)
• United States
3 Sep 07
I think you need to do it for the child sake. As harde as it is you wont do it because you dont love him do it because you do.
Tough parenting problems begin from birth, not just when they are 15.
The way I look at it, it is important for him to learn independance now, to be a bit more self soothing and self reliant. You are building a childs self esteem and self worth from day one!
He needs to know I am ok and mommy will come back. He is fed and dry and well cared for, he needs to be able to self sooth. The books I used was
Secrets of the baby wisperer
On becoming baby wise series
Healthy sleep habits happy child
I had a very hard time with sleep training, with out my husband I dont think i could have done it. But it only took 3 days!! She slept straigh through the night.
If your freind is there, you give him a toy and tell him, mommies talking, let him cry, go back in 5 minutes, offer juice, let him crey go back in 5 check diaper, hell learn, and it agony for us as moms, but the pride that you feel when youve been able to tach something new is amazing!!
@artemis432 (7474)
• Abernathy, Texas
3 Sep 07
HomeCooked, wow, this was so informative - I will definitely check out those books from the libray - especially "Secrets of the baby whisperer". What about him being away from me time and time again - even for hours and crying the entire time? He's obviously not learning from longer and longer periods of time. I guess I need to get those books.
@HomeCooked (94)
• United States
3 Sep 07
Yes prob the library. I think you need to start with 5 minutes. Ok mommys leaving go out the door walk around the block, oh mommys back, then the next day go for 10 m inutes, 1/2 hour, the books will outline it better. Its not easy, but what will you do when hes 12 and he crys all day because you wont buy him a new bike!!
@Lindalinda (4111)
• Canada
3 Sep 07
Artemis what gives? your profile says you are 87 years old.
May I suggest that you contact Mylot and have it corrected. From the way the above post is written I don't think you are 87 but you know a lot of people like to offer help and advice to real questions and problems. So if the profile and the post don't make sense it is kind of difficult to judge what is real and what is made up.
1 person likes this
@artemis432 (7474)
• Abernathy, Texas
3 Sep 07
I never give my real age. Its no ones business. And people tend to judge based on age - if you're young (this is my experience of course - not across the board) they think your young and dumb. And if you're old their is a whole new set of prejudices. I have no reason to make up discussions, I live in America so the little I make here wouldn't be worth deceit and compromising my morals - not that any amount would be.
How would my profile tell you anything - for most I don't even put my real location - too many wierd people on the net too many stories of people who give too much info. Its my Posts that should tell you something about me not my age and location. My post shouldn't reveal my age but rather reveal that I'm seeking advice as a first time mom - even though I'm a much older than most. Not really sure if that was an insult about my age - another ageism - saying that "from the way the above post is written I don't think you are 87" or not, but I'm hoping not, I'm hoping more people on mylot are here to help and to engage in interesting discussions rather than judge, put down and be mean. So I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you weren't being mean, maybe just a poor choice of words. Thanks for well if not participating - sharing some opinions and viewpoints.
@Lindalinda (4111)
• Canada
3 Sep 07
No, Artemis I was not trying to be mean. The point I was trying to make was that a lot of people look at a poster's profile. While initially I was really anxious to enter into this discussion because there is a similar situation with one of my young relatives and her baby I hesitated because of the discrepancy in the question asked and the age on the profile and I felt compelled to point this out. That is all, and no malice was intended.
You are right of course it is your privilege not to give your real age or location.
1 person likes this
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
3 Sep 07
Your predicament is similar to the one faced by a colleague of mine. She worked in my office and we had become quite close. She used to tell me that after her son was born, she had no intention of taking up a job, concentrating instead on the joys of motherhood. However, when her toddler was around the same age as yours, she started noticing the first signs of an ‘unnatural bondage’. She couldn’t go to the loo, couldn’t take her lunch in peace, couldn’t go to the terrace to dry out the clothes and so and on and so forth until she was feeling just like a full-time nanny with no time of her own. Forget on the weekdays, even on weekends she could not leave her baby with her husband or in-laws and go to the beautician’s. its not that she did not love her son or did not want to care for him, but as a human being she was being stifled with the responsibility. It was then that she took a conscious decision to go back to work and joined my office. The initial weeks and months were really difficult, physically and mentally for both of them. Her son refused to acknowledge anybody, even his grandparents and throughout the day, this poor girl used to be barraged by phone-calls from home about something or the other her son was not doing or doing. It was nothing short of nightmare. But gradually both of them learnt to cope and it was specially required as he was nearing age for kindergarten otherwise it would have been another big problem.
Personally I have never faced anything like this, coz I rejoined office when my son was 1½ months old. I missed him terribly (don’t know about him) but gradually we both learnt to be self-dependent LOL!
1 person likes this
@artemis432 (7474)
• Abernathy, Texas
4 Sep 07
I'm confused - did this go on for years while she was working until the child was in kindergarten or is her child much older than mine? For you say at the top that the baby was around my baby's age. Then you say it was specially required as he was nearing the age for kindergarten. If that's so that's not encouraging. Sounds like the son had a horrible time for years and years until school. But I'm thinking you may be confused about my son's age because of your sentence, "Personally I have never faced anything like this, coz I rejoined office when my son was 1½ months old" and my baby is younger then this. Unless you think I should wait awhile before going back.
It may be a moot point as instead of the caretaking position for one 24 hour shift, I'm exploring a position that pays well to teach english (I'd just need to get TEFOL certified) and you arrange the times you want to teach as its one on one. Its a large, reputable language organization so I'm considering as it would mean my husband wouldn't have the baby for such a long stretch of time - just an hour or two once or twice on the weekend. I'd make good money for part time work. But we'll see.
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
4 Sep 07
Sorry for my rather confusing sentences. But let me elaborate:
I rejoined office when my son was 1½ months, so there was no problem between us.
Now my colleague stopped working in the advanced stages of her pregnancy and again took up a job when her son was around 1yr (almost the same as your darling). In India, kindergarten starts as early as 18months to 2yrs…so you see she was correct in feeling that she needed to detach herself from her child in order to prepare him for kindergarten.
Teaching is a wonderful job, especially for mothers, as I believe that you don’t have to slog in out till late evening in office. The pay is good yet the holidays are there to spend time with your child. I think you should go for it.
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@artemis432 (7474)
• Abernathy, Texas
4 Sep 07
Thanks for elaborating, I can't talk much now or my sentences won't make sense as I'm exhausted - I saw your name again though and wanted to respond as I loved the lenghy info you gave initially!
@StrawberryKisses (2833)
• Canada
3 Sep 07
Hey there I kow exactly whay your going through my daughter was EXACTLY the same way. What I did was I got someone that my girl trusted and started leaving her with that person for short periods of time. and then made them longer and longer until she was fine and realized I was coming back. It sounds like your son needs the small periods of time. I would try 10-20 min 3 times a week then the next week try 30 min and so on. He will eventually stop its just faze all kids go through. Good Luck hun
@StrawberryKisses (2833)
• Canada
3 Sep 07
well it may be best to try at a daycare then since kids get so caught up with the new stuff they often times forget about mommy LOL My son did that when I put him in daycare and daycare workers are trained to deal with these situations as well so ya never know it may help.
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@artemis432 (7474)
• Abernathy, Texas
3 Sep 07
That's true, I've thought of that, for all the learning but again, as I say in my post, here in NM, any job I take I'll be just paying the day care basically with little left over.. Unless I take the job I was offered a few months ago as Polysomnographer - it would be so interesting and they pay for certification and 16 an hour.
@artemis432 (7474)
• Abernathy, Texas
3 Sep 07
I do that with my husband. I take a shower/break each afternoon before he leaves for work. And on weekends, longer periods of time. He still screams - even though he adores my husband when I'm within sight. Same with my friend, he's gotten used to her again, but I leave the room!
There is no one I know here in NM. I have one friend who is busy with work and such and couldn't do it. I have no family here....
@foxyfire33 (10005)
• United States
3 Sep 07
That's a tough one...I'm not one to let a baby just cry and cry so there is no way I'd want to chance it if it was my own baby...and this is why I've spent the past 9 1/2 months toting my baby everywhere! There are a few issues here so I'll try not to skip anything...
It sounds like paid childcare isn't practical for you. Can you do anything in your home that woul earn the extra money you need and wouldn't require you to get a sitter? Or is the baby too high needs for that?I just mean that I know somedays I can't even put him down to change his diaper without him crying and trying to climb back up on me.
Are there any other expenses that you can cutback on or eliminate for the time being so you can still afford to live some place decent until he is older and/or grows out of this stage? Or more affordable housing on post? I know very little about posts and how everything works on one so forgive me if that's a stupid question lol.
I would say that the baby needs you for a little longer and you should probably stay with him if you can possible afford it.If you do have to go with a sitter, warn her ahead of time so she is prepared for the crying. Start with short amouns of time and build up to the full amount you'll be away. He may get used to it very quickly, he may not...my oldest daughter cried ever work day for a month straight when I tried to work.
Get used to the man talk LOL...It's a dad thing thatI still haven't figured out. My little guy says haha, makes motor noises and grunts at his dad!
@foxyfire33 (10005)
• United States
3 Sep 07
Well you're welcome! Although I'mnot sre I was really much helpother than somemoral support! I really do understand though.The part about my daughter crying every work day for a month...well it only lasted that long because the babysitter suddenly had enough and told me to NEVER bring her back, I had to quit working entirely because she spread it around how "horrible" my daughter was and made it impossible to get a new sitter. And then there were days like today...well actually it started last night when I finally got the baby to sleep at 2am and laid down myself. My s/o's oldest son decided he wanted his playstation hooked up to the internet so he just walked in and flipped on the light...besides being just plain rude, it woke up the baby...so finally around 4am we got to sleep again but I also have a 2 and 4 year old so it was more like a nap. Then it was just a long day of dealing with the two boys who seemed to fight or need something just as I was getting the baby to sleep or trying to feed him in addition to dealing with 3 very rude teenagers, two of which aren't even supposed to live here but have just decided to stay for the past two weeks and take over the house...long story. So anyway, I'm pretty well aggrivated about everything anyway and when I try to go to the bathroom even, the baby starts crying so I try to wait until he's sleeping but there is so much commotion all the time that he doesn't sleep unless I'm holding him...and everybody here wonders why I'm being such a witch....and my s/o works 12 hour shifts so he was gone from 5:30am until 7:30pm and was no help when he got home either. I would love to have somekind of job to get me out of the house forabreak f5romall ofthis but I have the same issues asyou...I really couldn't afford he sitter and I know that the baby really wouldn'ttolorate me being gone. I love my kids but I'd also love to just have one day of no crying, no fighting, no rude teens and 8 hours in a row of sleep would be a huge bonus!
@artemis432 (7474)
• Abernathy, Texas
3 Sep 07
Don't underestimate moral support. I had a live in nanny a student for a short tiime. Claimed to have lotsov patience - until she met Robert. She was afraid that her boyfriend wouldn't want kids after spending time with him and she was actually reconsidering kids. When she first came she was a little condescending - but I don't think meaning to be - she would say how when she had a baby she would never let him go and never give him or her to family or friends to watch ever - never would the baby have a sitter, nanny or daycare. Then she started saying she didn't think she'd have one. Then she said that she'd only want to be with the baby all the time if it was 'good' if not then she would give him to family often. Even though Robert couldn't understand me, if he were quiet for awhile and played on his own - I never said oh you're being so good - because I know he wasn't being bad when he cried!
This girl had only had typical babies never a high needs one. I'm wondering if people are reading my initial discussion because a lot of responses tell me to train the baby by going away for little bits of time - when I've done that - one said that her baby cried for a full fifteen minutes - mine can cry for hours if I'm not there.
@artemis432 (7474)
• Abernathy, Texas
5 Sep 07
I'm hoping it all works out with the residential nursing homes they say I can bring him with me - I'll only be assigned to one person. I likely wouldn't have him with me the entire weekend - just at night and maybe have daniel bring him over at mealtimes and a few other times.
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
3 Sep 07
You're going to have to do something else you will have an eighteen year old clinging to your ankle soon lol! My suggestion is that you start taking short day trips when your husband is at home away from the baby. Of course he will wail like crazy when you leave, but you have to make your baby understand the concept that you will not be able to be there with him 24/7. So you will have to ignore the cries as you leave, or even better if you feel you can't stand it, leave while he is asleep or in the other room occupied. Soon the cries will stop sooner and sooner until the baby realizes that mommy will be back eventually. Then he will be cured of the need to see you every waking minute of the day, and you will be able to take a job without the guilt.
1 person likes this
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
4 Sep 07
I did forget to mention he should be allowed to cry himself to sleep sometimes as well. I mean, don't ignore the baby, but if you know that he has been fed, and isn't wet or dirty, continue to take care of the housework. Turn on a radio (do not get headphones as you do want to hear him midly, and the rest of the house, but do not want to hear him at full blast. Maybe when your husband is gone start your housework and give yourself a time block that you are going to do it. Make sure the baby is taken care of, then take care of your housework. If he cries, let him. He will eventually tire himself out and go to sleep.
@artemis432 (7474)
• Abernathy, Texas
5 Sep 07
I'm wondering if you read what I write, I've said that nightime is no problem. Occasionally he wants to remain awake or he's so overloaded from his day that he has to cry it out. I let him.
And I have most of the housework save the deep cleaning taken care of during the week. Rather then one block of time, I do a little at at time, near the baby. I'll do dishes- empty and fill the dishwasher and wipe the counters - then spend time with the baby. I'll spot clean the floors - maybe wash off appliances - feed the baby. I'll dust...etc. Its actually part of our routine, which I'm hesitant to change as it works for both of us and we're used to it. As you say, routine is important.
Its weekends that are tough. As I said, I did start with the baby first this weekend, we folded four loads of laundry together. Then I had to put it away - I was going to do it with him in his crib but he started crying. Then I had to do deep cleaning to the two full baths upstairs plus the double sink vanity area. Luckily, I was able to close the door and put on white noise with the air filter. If not, I wouldn't have cleaned, I would be getting confused and my milk likely would be leaking all over.
If he cries like he does when I leave him to go upstairs and clean - you know for hours - and can't hear him when I'm downstairs I actually can't clean. Sensory overload. I get confused totally and I already have slight dyspraxia. If he's really upset he'll cry until you go to him. For hours like this weekend.
I do thank you for the time you've spent in this discussion.
@artemis432 (7474)
• Abernathy, Texas
4 Sep 07
He doesn't see me every waking minute or I wouldn't actually know there was a problem. If I was only gone say fifteen or twenty minutes at a time, and he cried, I would try for longer. But if I have a migraine, I could be out all saturday or sunday afternoon(if its during the week, I try to get him to nap at the same time. I put him in his playpen besided the bed. Or if I'm cleaning upstairs, and putting away loads of clothes it could be a few hours as well - two bathrooms - two full bathrooms and a separate double vanity. He cries the entire time. Even on days he is doing his own thing, practicing standing and such, he always knows when I've left.
Maybe I'll try an entire day rather then just an afternoon. The most I've been away is four or five hours. He can scream for that long but I wonder if he will scream for eight or tire himself out and go to sleep?
@agnescav (566)
• United States
3 Sep 07
Do you leave the room when your husband is already there? If you do, maybe you could try practicing putting the baby in his room right before your husband comes home and having him get the baby while you are doing something else. Give that a week or so and see if it helps.
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@artemis432 (7474)
• Abernathy, Texas
4 Sep 07
That's a great idea but my husband gets home from work @ twelve A.M. . Maybe I can do that on the weekend though...Wow, yeah that might work. Although out of sight out of mind is in the past for the baby, he screams louder if he hears my voice from the stairs if my husband is watching him.
