my boyfriend of three years wants to get married, but I'm not sure?
By ranitam22
@ranitam22 (1146)
United States
September 14, 2007 12:53am CST
We've lived together for about 2 years and haven't had any real major relationship problems like cheating, abuse, or anything like that. I know my boyfriend will do anything for me and I don't see him cheating on me and I would never cheat on him. It's just that we are not financially in a place where I wanted to be when I got married. We are still struggling to make ends meet and I always said when I got married I wanted to be stable so I could have fun and do things with my husband instead of fighting over how we are going to pay the bills like we do at times now. My boyfriend is also having problems with his daughter and her mother. (if you look back on my previous discussions, i wrote a little about the situation.) which actually is getting worse by the week. I can't say much because i don't want to shape his mind one way or the other about his daughter, but i refuse to let him get hurt because his daughter's mother has her geared to where the only time she calls him is when she wants money for something. She hates coming to visit and only stays for a night instead of the whole weekend like it was planned. The most recent thing was she needs money for an outfit for a talent show that she is in at school, but she refused to invite my boyfriend or tell him when it is. I don't understand. I love my boyfriend and I could see me being with him forever, but I just want things a little better before we make that move. Am I right to want things to be perfect before marriage or is this just a dream and things are never perfect or mostly perfect? When will I know when the time is right?
4 people like this
18 responses
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
14 Sep 07
If it doesn't feel right to get married, then don't get married.Tell your boyfriend what you told us, that you can see being with him for the rest of your lives but you are not financially and emotionally ready for marriage.You may have to convince him that it isn't a no to marriage just a yes but later.
1 person likes this
@ranitam22 (1146)
• United States
15 Sep 07
I know my boyfriend will understand, I'm just not sure when I will be ready and I was wondering if I would get a feeling or something. Thanks for your response.
1 person likes this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
18 Sep 07
There shouldn't be a big rush to get married. If it meant to be, it will happen when you both feel the timing is right.If your boyfriend really loves you, he will wait. If you are the love of his life, he will wait for you.
@aseretdd (13730)
• Philippines
14 Sep 07
You are entitled to a marriage of your dream but bear in mind that nothing is perfect in this world...i understand about your feelings... i think the best that you can do is to tell your boyfriend to patch things up between him, his daughter, and former wife before the two of you get married...
It might aggrevate them more if they find out that the two of you are planning to get married... your relationship might also be a factor why his daughter is not that close to him...
1 person likes this
@ranitam22 (1146)
• United States
14 Sep 07
In a nutshell, his daughter is 12 and when she was one his baby's mom broke up with him and got married to another man and moved to another state. He saw his daughter again on and off up until she was about 8 then he didn't see or hear from them again until about 3 months ago when she moved back to town and she's divorced and from the beginning said she didn't want anything but for them to have a relationship (him and his daughter), but it's ended up that his daughter doesn't call him dad and just calls asking for bits of money. They communicate through the 12 year old. I've only been in the picture for 3 years, but his daughter's only been back in his life for a few months so I'm not really a factor and I'm doing my best to stay out of it. He does need to patch this situation up though, he's in the process of going to court for visitation so they can't just up and leave again but he's struggling with it because he doesn't want to make his daughter visit if she doesn't want to.
@missybal (4490)
• United States
15 Sep 07
It will never be perfect however I see what you mean. However I think the issues with his ex and his child do need to be dealt with. Honestly if you are living together now then you are already going through the problems that come with marriage... the bills and they personal issues stareing you in the face. Really marraige doesn't change it any, what does is when you have children of your own and actually financially you would probably get more money back in tax season with being married. Not that that should be your reason, but really it's when you feel your ready. You also have to consider however the feelings of your boyfriend and you don't want his desire to marry you and your being unsure to ruin your relationship.
@maiax2k6 (535)
• Philippines
15 Sep 07
There's only one rule that generally applies uncluding this: "When in doubt, don't." Doubts are clouds that puts up our guard against some untoward incident in a situation. They're there because you have questions that remain unanawered. Are you ready to face them inspite of them?, do you have your armor?, would you know your way around them, so that when you get so entangled, you'll find your way with minimal damage to your person?
Oh you say that they're there all the time anyway. But when it comes to major decisions like marriage, you need to be wholehearted, so that even inspite and despite of the foreseen problems, you're still willing to go through it hoping that all the love in your heart will help you through.
@mari_skye (1637)
• Philippines
15 Sep 07
Experts say if you have the slightest doubt about getting married with someone, then don't. I guess this is a valid advise. Marriage is such a serious matter and you really cannot afford to just jump right into it and then think later. Although you really cannot tell on the right time to get married, but I guess that time will be when you will no longer have doubts about it.
@vinzen (1020)
• India
14 Sep 07
Things dont seem too smooth to me from your talks here too, and i think its wisest that you sort yourself and your boyfriends problesm, worries and tensions first, let him deal with things himself and make the choices and decisions, mostly the priorities need to be set out first, preferences will need to be made too, so that hes over and through with things and thn when hes free, maybe then settle downa n get married.
Agreed that there is no problems between you, and touchwood thats very nice too, but, you do need to sort out the other part of his life before taking the plunge, to make something straight before. At least i would do that, to clear things up, hvae nothing left behind, no messes no complications, so that you can start afresh and from scratch too.
@ranitam22 (1146)
• United States
16 Sep 07
Thank you for your response. A clean slate is what I want to start my marriage off with. I would hate to get married and things get worse.
@Stiletto (4579)
•
15 Sep 07
Well my first instinct is to say if you're not sure then don't do it. However, if you're waiting for things to be "perfect" then I hope you realise that you could be waiting a long, long time! Very few things in life are perfect and even fewer people's lives can be described as perfect so I think you need to be realistic about that one. Generally though I would still say if you're not sure about getting married (for whatever reason) then wait a while.
@happythoughts (4109)
• United States
14 Sep 07
It isnt bad to wait for better times but there will never be a perfect time. If you think you will be with him forever and you are going to stick around and deal with all the issues anyway I dont see how being a wife or a girlfriend will make a difference.
@maia0129 (91)
• Philippines
14 Sep 07
If you are in doubt, then don't dive in it yet. It's always best to listen to what your mind says. Anyway, I think your boyfriend will understand if you are going to tell him your reason of not giving a yes answer. If he is really decided on you, then I think he will wait for the time when you are going to say yes. Take your time...and follow what your sound mind tells you...Good luck...
@khazeemee (288)
• Philippines
14 Sep 07
i think you should tell him all your valid reasons and sure that he will understand that you might not ready yet, and it's okay to feel like that, coz marriage is something to think about over and over and a million times, because you just want to be careful with your relationship with him and that's totally good. just take one step at a time and don't pressure yourself, it's normal, just say yes i do, if you're ready and if you really mean it.. god bless..
@ebusaf (329)
• United States
14 Sep 07
Nothing, will ever be perfect in any relationship. However, I think you are right to feel like you may need to wait and work out some issues, especially the daughter, and baby mom issue. I say this because, I feel, financially no couple is where they really want to be, and finances are definitly something that can be worked out during the course of the marriage.
I have been married for 8 years, I got married when I was 19, so I am speaking on experience, not ignorance.
When it comes down to family, and your disagreements that can become a beast of a problem. The best advice I could give you, is to go to counseling (get counseled by someone who is married, and not someone single). I'm not talking counseling for your problems, because everyone has problems and, everyone does not need counseling. But in a relationship if you cannot communicate effectively, and come to a common ground, then your relationship will sooner or late go down the drain.
Communication is the key, and if you guys are arguing now about certain things, then 9 times out of 10 you're not communicating effectively. I am just now learning how to communicate, after years of fighting, years, of counseling.
It's tougher to work out kinks when you're married, then it is when you're just dating. I think mainly because, it's less pressure. I hope and pray everything works out for you guys...always remember, where there is a will (between both parties) there is a way!
@rogue13xmen13 (14402)
• United States
14 Sep 07
When in doubt, but yourself and the relationship to the test. Question everything that you two do together and apart. Can you live with him and all of his problems? Can he live with you and all of your problems? Do you both have the same goals? Question everything.
@wisedragon (2325)
• Philippines
14 Sep 07
Marriage is such a big thing that you should only do it when you're sure. In your case it seems the timing is just not right. Tell that to your boyfriend so that he won't feel too rejected.
@Dan_ul (858)
• Romania
14 Sep 07
your not sure? then don't do it... I think that money shouldn't be an issue... why? because they are always a comfortable excuses to not doing a big step in life whatever that is...
and is en vogue not to get married... the question is how much do you love him;)
@marylouu69 (297)
• United States
14 Sep 07
If your not sure, than don't do it, because down the road you may have your regrets. Follow your heart, but listen to what your are thinking as well most people know the right thing to do at the right time ! Don't rush you have your entire life ahead of you take your time and time will tell what you should do, and he should understand and if he loves you he will be there with you and waiting for you.
