Can't you just be proud of her?
By nehrlas
@nehrlas (202)
United States
September 14, 2007 6:28am CST
My daughter is 20 years old, just entered her junior year of college. She rented and apartment in May and is sharing that with her BF. He is a great guy, just got out of the Army in June and started school this year. My daughter is going to school, and working full time at Target. Doesn't seem like a great job, but they just offered her a 40k internship next summer, which will come in handy while she is waiting for her BF to graduate the next few years.
Here is the problem:
Her father pays for her college, he groans and moans about it every time tuition is due, but he makes really good money and I didn't grind him to the pavement when she was growing up for child support. He has two other children with his wife and she has a daughter just about a year younger than mine who happens to be VERY irresponsible.
So her father was willing to allow her to live in an apartment with a girlfriend who happened to like to party all the time and was very dramatic, but won't pay for her to share this apartment with her BF. Ok, so I understand he thinks she is "shacking up". But she is more responsible now than she has been the past 4 years of her life, she is learning to pay bills, to balance sleep/work/school/play and I find myself so proud of her. I can't afford to pay for her college, but I am so mad that he won't contribute to her food and room costs and she has to work extra hard when we decided a long time ago she would be able to mostly concentrate on her studies.
I know a lot of rambling, but its heavy on my mind. I am going to call her father and have a talk with him, I just wanted a few other opinions on the subject so I am be sure I am being objective.
8 people like this
9 responses
@lightningMD (5931)
• United States
14 Sep 07
I understand what your saying and it is silly that he wont pay for the apartment now. But you are very lucky that he is paying for college. My ex never helped one cent with our two kids college expenses. He is 29,000 dollars behind in child support. So I guess on one hand I believe you should be happy with what he is doing. i would say you have every right in the world to be proud of your daughter. It sounds like she is heading in the right direction. Good luck to the both of them.
@nehrlas (202)
• United States
14 Sep 07
I understand how lucky I am with having a father in her life that is financially responsible. Here is the deal, we never went to court to fight for custody, we never went to determine what child support should be, I never used her against him and he always stayed a part in her life. But the deal was, I wouldn't rake him over the coals for child support (apparently he paid 1000 a month less than he was supposed to) and he would pay for her college.
3 people like this
@nehrlas (202)
• United States
16 Sep 07
I just wish he would keep his word. I know about the lucky part. But he is lucky that he has a beautiful smart daughter who didn't have a mom that was jerk while raising her. This was just an agreement that we had, and I have to find a way to handle it i guess.
@xfahctor (14118)
• Lancaster, New Hampshire
14 Sep 07
First, congrats on your daughter. Yes, you and her father should both be proud of her, she sounds like a level headed and smart young lady.Now, I'm sure some won't agrea with me on this, but, as her father is paying her college tuition, is it right to ask him to pay for her apartment too? Yes, he makes good money, but he also has 2 other young (I assume) to support. Your daughter is an adult now and it is perfectly ok to expect her to pay her living expenses. There is nothing wron with helping her out ocaisionaly, however, no I dont think he should be paying the rent for EITHER of the 2 adult children. He should, however, at least express his pride to your daughter and commend her on the obviously wise and mature decisions she is making.
4 people like this
@Stiletto (4579)
•
14 Sep 07
Hmm, I'm not sure I agree with you. Of course I absolutely think you should both be proud of her. I'm just not sure that a 20 year old living with her boyfriend should really be having her father pay her living costs. I appreciate she has to work extra hard to pay for things but that's just the way life is isn't it? At least her father pays for college - that's a lot more than a lot of people get. So on balance, although I appreciate you want your daughter to be able to concentrate on her studies, I actually don't think her father should be expected to be contributing to her living costs as well.
2 people like this
@carlaabt (3504)
• United States
15 Sep 07
He should be proud of your daughter, but I don't see the problem with her working to pay for her rent and food and things. A lot of kids put themselves through college without help from their parents. And 20 years old isn't a little girl anymore.
Maybe he thinks that if she is old enough to decide she is mature enough to live with a guy, she should be mature enough to handle all of her own bills.
It can be tough to pay for everything by yourself when you are in school, but it's not impossible. I took out student loans when I was in college, and then paid them off after I had a better job. The loans I took out were for my actual college costs, too, not just living costs. I still have one left, but it will be paid off soon. Knowing I was the one paying for things made me appreciate it more.
1 person likes this
@carlaabt (3504)
• United States
19 Sep 07
I'm not sure what you meant by things change.
I can understand that you are mad if your husband specifically said he would help pay for food and those things no matter what, but he might feel like she's decided on her own that she is a grown up and doesn't need her dad's help for those things. I know she's your little girl, but she's an adult now. It's not unreasonable to expect her to pay for her own food and other bills.
If by things change you meant that it is different now than when I was in college...I was in cosmetology school in 2003. I was there 40 hours a week, and still had to pay bills. I worked part time, and used loans for the rest. My husband is working on getting the last part of that loan paid off right now.
My husband is currently working his way through college. He's in the military, so we aren't paying for his college classes. But he's still the one paying all of our living expenses by himself. I stay home with our toddler and only bring in $200-300 each month.
And my husband isn't a bunch older than your daughter either. He's 22 years old.
I'm not at all trying to take away from anything your daughter is doing. She's doing a great job. And you should both be proud of her.
@psyche49f (2502)
• Philippines
15 Sep 07
Sounds like you're really a proud mom! Yup, you do that...I mean talk to your daughter's father to discuss and come up with compromises...hopefully, it would help ease up tension, and consequently make things better for you and your daughter. Just a general reaction...my realization is that your culture is totally different from ours, which I don't need to elaborate. Suffice it to say that my two children aged 25 and 22 are still with me in the house (my husband works out of town, but would soon join us)...I cannot in my conscience (it's part of our upbringing as a people) allow my daughter to live her life apart from us, until of course the time that she gets married. As I told you, your practice is totally different from ours...I'm not saying which one is wrong...I'm just pointing out a big conttrast due to cultural differences..and neither one is right, and neither one is wrong...well, they call it cultural relativity. Good luck, and congrats for ensuring a bright future for your daughter.
@nehrlas (202)
• United States
16 Sep 07
Ok, so I left something out. Last year she and her father cornered me on the phone and convinced me that it was ok for her to move into an off campus apartment with a girlfriend. I objected, but he convinced me it was ok. The girl she was moving in with, was her current roommate in the dorms and they had a huge blowout, one that I predicted, since they hadn't been getting along.
That relationship and the apartment she was moving into went to the wayside and she decided to move down to her school town for the summer so she could secure a job. Her father wouldn't support that, yet he supported her living with this girl, who in my opinion was a bad influence, liked to party, very much a drama queen.
My daughets boyfriend pays half the expenses of living with her, they both work and they ahve known each other for 6 years (only BF & GF for a year). Had they not been dating, they would still be friends and maybe rooming togehter anyway.
I dont think her father should pay for her expenses completely, she is learning responsiblity. I just want him to contribute a little of the 6,000 he is now saving this year, so she doesn't have to struggle each month.
@sandydg350762 (15)
• United States
15 Sep 07
I don't think the father should help her with living expenses. He's paying for her college, which is great, but she's 20 years old and chose to live with her boyfriend.
As far as I'm concerned, if they are old enough to live with someone, they better be able to take care of themselves too. Life is tough for most people. She needs to learn how to take care of herself. Just my opinion.
1 person likes this
@nmhschic2004 (1238)
• United States
14 Sep 07
Your right he should be proud of her. But sometimes i think kids need to learn that dads dont always show how they feel. I know there was so many times i was disappointed because my dad never told me that he was proud of me. So i have learned to deal with it. The first person that replied to your discussion is right. Your very lucky that hes even paying for her college.
2 people like this
@nehrlas (202)
• United States
16 Sep 07
I hate that i should feel lucky he is paying. Should he feel lucky that I didn't take him to court and get the money I needed to raise her all those years ago? That I had to work two jobs because thats the only way I could afford to support her?
I know that compared to other fathers, he is a gem. But when did we get to the point that we mothers should feel lucky that our childrens father do anything for their kids?
@danishcanadian (28953)
• Canada
16 Sep 07
I know what you are saying. I have heard of so many of these situations where fathers have acted like that. It is a sad sad situation. Also sad are the extremely responsible fathers who do not have custody of their children, or didn't when they were growing up, and mothers who have pulled the same behaviou. It happens in parents of both genders, not just fathers.
@mkirby624 (1598)
• United States
16 Sep 07
I have a friend whose dad (her parents are divorced, as well..mom couldn't afford tuition, too) wouldn't pay rent because she was planning to live with her boyfriend, who she'd been dating for a WHILE. So she ended up having to go to a branch of a university and live at home. She got her degree, anyway. Not that this can fix your situation.
I really do think you need to talk to your ex about this situation and point out how hard she is working to really do well in school and succeed, and living with her bf is the only way she can afford an apartment. If he refuses to help pay the rent, tell him he can pay FULL rent and get her her own apartment if he dislikes it so much. He is still her father, whether ya'll are divorced or not. He still had a hand in creating her, so he should have a hand is raising her.
1 person likes this
@yujiajia22 (30)
• China
15 Sep 07
it is good to hear that your daughter can do her best
1 person likes this
