Why did my friend do this and do you think its okay or understandable?
By wendyyuwie74
@wendyyuwie74 (68)
United States
September 20, 2007 2:16pm CST
I was married for 13 yrs and my husband I had both had affairs and our marriage began to crumble, well my friend my very best friend is now married to my ex. I begged her not to do it. I begged him not to do it. Neither one of them are my friends anymore but they both say she didnt do anything wrong, I think uh duh she did, 3 days after my ex left she told him she was in love with him and when I called her for comfort nah she doesnt feel comfortable doing that cause she is in love with him and she cant help her feelings and blah blah blah. I dont get it we are all christians I have known this girl since high school. We would get together at least once a week for dinner. Our daughters were bf too but now its even better for them cause their sisters. He didnt have his affair with her and I never thought she would do such a thing. I still have to see them and deal with them on a weekly basis b/c we had three children together. Now my child support checks are signed by her. I have called her and tried to be as friendly as possible, but she's cold like ice , as if I am in the wrong, how am I suppose to deal with this for the rest of my life?
2 people like this
10 responses
@lilybug (21107)
• United States
20 Sep 07
OMG! That is horrible. She was obviously not a very good friend if she went after his so soon after you split. I would feel very hurt and betrayed.
I don't really have any advice for you just bug hugs. You will get over it someday, but until then I hope it is quick and as painless as possible for you.
1 person likes this
@rouwel23 (1353)
• Philippines
21 Sep 07
this is a very complex and complicated situation. but you have to accept this fact and move on with it. good luck. befriend her again. she was your best friend since high school, so the friendship would still remain.
do not be discouraged with your situation. continue befriending her and your ex husband.
are your children old enough now to understand all this situation? usually it is the children that does not understand. I have not been in this situation so I would not be the expert in this issue and situation. good luck.
@wendyyuwie74 (68)
• United States
21 Sep 07
hey thanks for the encouragement , i do keep on trying to befriend her, it is still very awkward. my kids are 15,11,9. so they partly get it it has been two yrs so things are getting better
@cutepenguin (6431)
• Canada
21 Sep 07
I have no idea how you're going to handle this. I mean, it's almost like a soap opera.
Is there someone you can talk to about your feelings about this? Your minister/priest? A friend who you can vent to?
It seems like you are stuck in this situation for quite a while, at least until the kids are grown up, but then you can sort of move away from the situation a bit.
@carolscash (9492)
• United States
20 Sep 07
I really don't know how I would feel about this if it happened to me. My sister-in-law had dated my husband before her and my brother got married and people thought that it was weird but I never did. I just looked at her as the unlucky one as he is a much better person than my brother and we have life much nicer than they do.
@wendyyuwie74 (68)
• United States
21 Sep 07
you know carol i see ur point and i have been in this situation with boyfriends and all but i wanted this marriage to work i really did. i also asked her repeatedly to back off and give us both time to think, but she didnt, i appreciate ur point of view just thought i would give u a lil more input.
@fiestyjesica (136)
• United States
21 Sep 07
I honestly can't imagine that they didn't have an affair, if three days after he left she told you she loved him.I can't bellieve your friend would do that to you and honestly think she did nothing wrong!!!! Cut her out of your life as much as possible. Good luck!!
@barehugs (8973)
• Canada
21 Sep 07
You should take time to look at yourself. Sit down and Notice that you were not true to your husband. Yes YOU cheated on him! Then, you should wonder why it was any of your business, when, 3 days after your marriage collapsed, you begged them not to cohabitate. Why do you think it was wrong when they married? Obviously you didn't want your husband. Like a Dog in the Manger, you didn't want him, and you didn't want anyone else to have him either. Have you ever thought, perhaps, they were in Love!
So you're a Christian? Surprise, Surprise! When will you begin to act like one? Sounds to me like you are Just a Poor Looser. You better get your act together, and except life as it really is!
@wendyyuwie74 (68)
• United States
21 Sep 07
well i guess i could see that coming from someone, but it still hurts, the fact is that i did want my husband i begged him not to leave, he also had an affair, i can understand how he wanted to leave sometimes i did as well but i wanted to try and make the marriage work, 13 yrs is a long time and only 1 yr was lost with the affairs, my point is not that i didnt want him to be with anyone else its that i wanted my bf to be my bf and at least have the decency to wait longer than 3 days b4 she made her move, i also would like to reply to the fact that yes i am a christian and so r they and i have forgiven both of them and i have tried to befriend them both. no luck . christians screw up all the time . god has shown me how to forgive them and many others through all of this so i do see good coming from it through my lord but u know what you need to look at urself as well and choose ur words more wisely dont be so harsh. none the less i forgive you as well. peace be with you.
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
21 Sep 07
I will tell you something, which if you can remember at the right time, should give you some comfort. Every time she signs your maintenance cheque, just think of what she is going through in having to pay money to the very woman whom she has wronged (she knows she has wronged you, that’s why the coldness). Just tell yourself that it serves her right to have to pay money every month when she really doesn’t want to and maybe you could feel some compensation inside.
@nmhschic2004 (1238)
• United States
20 Sep 07
Thats a horrible thing for a person to do. And that fact that shes supposed to be your friend makes it even worse. She obviously only cares about herself. You are not at all in the wrong. She should have stood by you when you needed it. What will happen if he decided their marriage isnt working out? She wont be able to turn to you. Unless of course you forgive her. Just try to be patient and dont let her see that shes getting to you. Like you said your going to have to deal with it for the rest of your life. Just dont let either one of them get to you. Try to be strong. I dont really know what else to say. I hope it gets better for you.
@UNPINOY (361)
• Philippines
21 Sep 07
I can understand the hurt you are feeling. It was like your trust towards two of people closest to your heart have crumbled. We are dealing with emotions here. Your emotions and their emotions. But realize this, things just happened, not planned. I am sure your best friend would have chosen not to go with the relationship with your husband but feelings are feelings. The minute we deny ourselves about the emotions, we restrict our human nature. We ALL just have to let go. We may hurt people along the way, but time will heal all wounds. Everything that happens will serve its purpose.
Meantime, deal with your own feelings. Direct your mind towards something else. Things more important. The facts are there, you just have to deal now with this kind of arrangement including the child support. They have made a choice, you would have to make your own choice and for your children.
YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS YOURSELF. Take care...
@oneneaner (76)
• United States
21 Sep 07
Take the high road. Years from now you will be glad you did. It's extremely difficult. Ironically my ex-mother in law gave me my best advise. As silly as it sounds when you feel depressed or upset, take a shower and put your makeup on, even if it is to mop the floor. Down the road you will be surprised by what you gain by not giving in to the bitterness. Not only will you not hold onto the negative garbage but your children will feel better about you too. (I have two Daughters). Then do something for yourself find training, take a class, join a church or get a hobby. Not only does it keep your mind off of it. But dear hubby usually is stunned by the appearance that you are moving on, getting it together and done with him. And you should be. There is always something better around the corner. You just have to make it around the corner. Hope that helps. Been there done that.
