One friend backstabbed me and now I don't like that person OR our mutual friend!
By wotfpatty
@wotfpatty (2065)
United States
September 21, 2007 5:38am CST
Before I start this, I want to say I am 43 and realize this is totally immature. But I can't help it so I am asking for advice.
I had a good friend. We enjoyed talking to one another and basically it was a very fun friendship on the net. Then, I made friends with someone else and enjoyed that friend's conversation as well. No problem there. A bit later, my first friend also made friends with my second friend. Cool. We were all friends!
Then the second friend stabbed me in the back. This person turned out to be NOTHING like I thought and is just ... really not a good person at all. My first friend knew all about the situation and took the high road not taking sides as I would have probably done as well. But now I find that I can barely stomach talking to the first friend because that friend has become even closer to the backstabber friend over the months.
Although that should have NOTHING to do with my friendship for the person who did nothing to me, I just don't feel like talking to that person anymore. I didn't expect the person to come to my aid or fight my battles but I think, deep inside, I am ticked that the first friend at least didn't react in any way and support me a LITTLE. The second person really did me wrong.
If you followed ALL THAT, my question is, should I attempt to try to continue my friendship with the first friend or just stay away as I have? I am not mad and we converse socially now and then. But all that closeness and trust is gone and I don't think I can get it back.
Has this ever happened to you? Have you even been in the middle of something like this? I know it is petty and I say it every day but my brain (or is it my heart) says otherwise.
Maybe you could share some of your experiences with me and it will help me to figure out what to do. Note these were both NET friends and not personal relationships but we all are involved in a project so we do have to speak and communicate but I have been extremely formal even with the friend who was not involved. I am such a kid, I know. HELP!
6 people like this
17 responses
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
21 Sep 07
I'm going to be blunt. I hope I don't get dogged for it but if I do then I'll have to grin and bear it but I have to be honest and the only way to do that is to tell it just as I feel. To hell with the damned high road!! I'm so sick and tired of people being so afraid of getting in the middle of this and that. Right is right and wrong is wrong. There's no way around it. People need to stand up for what's right. The high road is for cowards who can't stand up for the right and wrong. I'm so sick of that. I won't do it. I've had to stand up for what's right in situations that I didn't want to be in but damn it, right is right and wrong is wrong! If people keep hiding from that then it's no wonder this world has gone to hell in a hand basket. I won't back down. I will stand up to what is right whether or not someone likes it or not - sorry but, too damned bad. I say this because of things that have happened to me while growing up and as an adult where people have taken the "high road" and left me behind in the dust and dirt to deal with the mess. Well no more. I'll stand alone if I have to because I won't have it on my conscience in the end.
As for your friend taking the high road, that tells me she's no better than the girl who backstabbed you because she didn't stand up to right and wrong. Then to be closer with that girl tells me even more about her which is she doesn't have a conscience. That's not the kind of friend I'd want in my life but that's me and my opinion. You don't have to agree with it but it is my opinion.
3 people like this
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
21 Sep 07
Thank you so much for sharing your opinion. I am going through a similiar situation and now I know that I was right for feeling the way that I do. It is coward not to stand up for what is right. And that friend does not have a conscience at all. You were right on target.
2 people like this
@wotfpatty (2065)
• United States
23 Sep 07
Loved your opinion and agree with it.
Sometimes you just have to step up. Real friends make it through tough times. They don't hide from them.
Neither was my real friend. I am content to be polite to them and move on.
Thank you for this response!
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
22 Sep 07
I have to say that I'm relieved to know that you didn't take my response the wrong way because some people would take it in that way. I mean no harm but at the same time, I will tell the truth or say nothing at all, depends on what it is. I wish you luck sweetie in what ever you do.
@rachsal4 (391)
• United States
21 Sep 07
I have had this happen to me, and I know it can be hard. I'll say that no matter if you think your being inmature, you can't help how you feel. I wouldn't say to totally cut this friend out of your life but put her where she fits. And if that doesn't put her in the close friends catagory then so be it. While it might be child like, I would like to think that it's just a fact of life. Sometimes you can't just take the high road and stay neutral like your friend did, sometimes it's about deciding who was right, and who was wrong. And with my friend I couldn't get over the feeling that she should have picked a side, my side. I don't know I guess I'm a kid too!! :)
2 people like this
@wotfpatty (2065)
• United States
23 Sep 07
Well, I didn't need to be stuck up for but the defending of the backstabber was what really ticked me off. You can't defend that type of behavior. It was just nasty.
I am content with being polite and making new friends. But I won't trust easily, that's for sure.
Thank you for your insight.
@texasclassygal (5305)
• United States
21 Sep 07
I hate backstabbing friends, why can't everybody just get along with each other without all the evilness behind your back. I would be friends with the first friend, but keep your distance, you have lost your closeness and probably a good thing from what it looks like. Net friends are hard to keep since we don't see them all the time, we only chat with them, perhaps later on you can get that closeness back.
2 people like this
@wotfpatty (2065)
• United States
22 Sep 07
I think the two friends were going to be close no matter what. They are closer in age and perhaps in values. They also have similar situations going on in their lives. But still, I feel like a kid keeping my distance from someone who wasn't involved in the incident. But even that first friend said it was awkward talking to me now because of their friendship with friend 2. I suppose we all kind of agreed to this but didn't say it.
Yeah the net is a tough place. You can't look at a person and sense if they are honest or real. All you have is their typed words. I sure do hate when someone I really like suddenly turns out to be a big jerk. Blah.
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
21 Sep 07
I suppose people want them to support them if they make a decision, but there are some decisions that you either agree whole heartedly with that person or not. For instance, someone here may consider putting their grandparent in a nursing home. The grandparent was Alzheimer's and is too far gone and the grand daughter has no resources and would have to quit her job. The friend thinks she is cruel, and so starts berating her for the decision. That is an example of online friendships going back.
Mind you this makes friends here unable to go to discussions they want to, so in that case, the person saying that they do not agree with you and making nice suggestions that would make you feel good about changing your mind is the way I go, but I have never told the person that she was horrible person. The point I am getting is your friend does not know how to help you in a manner that makes you feel like continuing the friendship even though both of you disagree and your other friend does not know how to keep both friendships without offending either one of you. The best way is to explain to them that the way she disagreed with you hurt your feelings and decide from there.
2 people like this
@wotfpatty (2065)
• United States
22 Sep 07
Oh, I have talked to both and have been very honest and frank about my feelings. I even told the first friend I was having issues trusting them (I don't want to say much about the sexes of these people just to keep it anonymous). It seems the first friend doesn't care too much since they make no attempt to talk to me and just speak to me when needed so I guess we both moved on.
Sad but that is the nature of the net, I think. It is so different than real life where you can see the people and talk to them in person.
Thanks for the response.
@raychill (6525)
• United States
21 Sep 07
I think that if you appreciated this friend and the friendship you had whether it be internet based on not than you should continue your friendship with that person. I could understand if the friend sided with the backstabber. You can't always help who people grow close to and if you appreciate the friendship you had with her and you want to continue that than you should. If you don't trust her and you think it would be worth it to not have the friendship anymore than I would go ahead and cut ties.
2 people like this
@wotfpatty (2065)
• United States
23 Sep 07
My trust issues stem from the fact that the backstabber had info that I only told the first friend. That friend denied sharing what I said but how else would the other have known? It's like high school and I don't need it..
I am content to just be civil at this point and move on.
Thanks for the response.
@jcyap888 (721)
• Philippines
21 Sep 07
i know that sometimes a good friends may turn to be our worst enemy! i have experience this too! my neighbor was my good friend too, when they weere still kid i play with them until they grow up, we go anywhere together, pkay basketball, until they got married, and get rich. they seem dont know who's there friends are! They grow up not in a poor families. now they got rich and even hardly talk to me, who am i to talk to them i not rich, you dont belong to the group. How's that! shame for them i dont lose anything even a friends, but for them they lose so many thing in life.
2 people like this
@wotfpatty (2065)
• United States
23 Sep 07
I am sorry about your experience. Some people simply don't value friendship.
I think I am content just to be polite and move away from any friendship I have with either of these people. They deserve one another. lol.
@Stiletto (4579)
•
22 Sep 07
I've been in a similar situation offline and it didn't turn out well I have to say. Basically I was friends with two other women, one had an affair with my partner (ex partner as he soon became!) and the other adopted the view that she wasn't going to get involved and remained friends with both of us. Now although at the time I made out that I understood the "innocent" friends position I really didn't. In some situations I think "not taking sides" is ok but it depends on what the issue is and to me that was a REALLY big issue. Anyway I ended up not speaking to either one of them so both friendships ended. I have no idea if they're still friends or not now.
Personally I think trust is a big part of friendship and once that's lost it's very hard to get it back. Friendships change through time anyway I guess. At least you are still speaking to your friend and you never know, you may end up on better terms again at some point in the future. Probably the backstabbing friend will do the same to your other friend too - people that behave that way once tend to make a habit of doing it!
1 person likes this
@wotfpatty (2065)
• United States
23 Sep 07
Oh man! That, to me is cut and dry. I could never stay friends with someone who basically looked the other way when a friend screwed around with my partner. That is unacceptable behavior and the "high road" doesn't wash with me when it comes to that stuff.
You did the right thing for sure and I have decided the two of them are happy and content without me and I deserve better. I will be polite because I have to be but won't trust the uninvolved person again. I suspect everything I said was going right back to the backstabber anyway.
Thanks for that enlightening response and I am so sorry for your situation.
@vivasuzi (4127)
• United States
3 Oct 07
I think you are doing the right think by backing off right now. If that first friend is still talking to the second, they may be talking about you! Or even if they are not, you may say something and the first friend may pass it on to the second.
I have had friends that didn't want me to talk to other friends b/c they had a fight or whatever, but I did keep in touch with both of them. However it was never so bad that my friends absolutely hated each other and they usually made up.
It's understandable that you have a hard time talking to friend 1 and if you don't feel the closeness than I see no reason to push for a friendship at this point.
@jbrooks0127 (2324)
• United States
21 Sep 07
You are far from being a kid about this. None of us like to get hurt by someone we trusted no matter what they did. It not only hurts but any trust we had in that person goes away.
A true friend will come to your aid even before you know you need it. So the other friends response is self serving. While she may not want to be down of the one that backstabbed you she should be up front about it all so you know where she stands.
Taking the high road often leaves everyone else wondering where you went.
I can tell from what you say that you not only have lost one friend but fear you may have lost another but just don't know it or are at least afraid of it. That is worse.
Be up front with the so called un-involved person and tell them where you are. Ask them directly what they think of what the other did and how they feel about it.
If your second friend truly is your friend they should be able to tell you. You may not like it but at least you know where you stand.
1 person likes this
@wotfpatty (2065)
• United States
23 Sep 07
I was upfront with the uninvolved friend and was told that there were two sides to every story.
I guess mine was the one that wasn't believed.
I am getting madder as I think about this situation. To heck with them both. I will be friendly but no more trust. I seem to always end up hurt these days.
Thank you for your great response.
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
21 Sep 07
I am going through almost the exact same situation and I am curious to know how others will respond to this discussion. I have a friend who got a roommate and the roommate for some reason can not stand me. So much so that I am not allowed in their apartment.
But, my original friend says that she does not want to get involved because she wants to keep peace in her apartment. But, it is more than that. They are friends and when I am around, they go out of their way to smile at each other.
It makes me sick to my stomach. I believe that it is being two-faced, but maybe I am just acting like a child. When I come anywhere near the apartment, the roommate starts screaming and acting like a lunatic. So, to keep from belting her in the mouth, I stay away.
1 person likes this
@twoey68 (13627)
• United States
22 Sep 07
If you don't feel you can rebuild the friendship with the first friend then No, I wouldn't try to. Although like you said you didn't expect your first friend to back you up or fight your battles she should have been at least supportive of you. Perhaps you are just better off finding new friends. There are millions of ppl on the net to pick from :)
Years ago I had alot of girls that were friends. I also had a cheating b/f that I'd been with for 9 years. Sadly, the two decided to mix. After we split up, I had so called friends coming up to me in the stores saying things like "I'm so sorry...I thought you knew" and "I figured he'd tell you". I was hurt, betrayed and stunned. I dumped all of my so called friends...even now I still won't speak to them when I run into them. I don't make friends much anymore...I prefer to spend time with certain family members and Hubby. I have a very good friend and a couple of semi-friends but that's it. Sometimes it's the best way to go.
**AT PEACE WITHIN**
~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
@eachen2002 (889)
• United States
22 Sep 07
I just went thru the same thing basically and it really hurt but you got too remember that the people you screw on the way up are the proably the same ones you'll see on the way down.
@thefortunes (2367)
• Netherlands
21 Sep 07
Hi Woftpatty, and no, I haven't been in such a situation myself, but what I'll do if I were in your place is to always follow my instinct, and your instinct has told you to not continue the friendship with your 1st friend. Keep it this way, as the instinct hardly ever fails :)
TheFortunes
2 people like this
@wotfpatty (2065)
• United States
22 Sep 07
Instinct is a good thing! You are right about that. I guess I will just see how things play out over the next few months. I pretty much established that I am not really comfortable with my first friend and that friend knows it.
Thanks so much for replying.
@Waves1971 (22)
• United States
21 Sep 07
Are we talking about F and BBB, or one I'm not familiar with?
1 person likes this
@wotfpatty (2065)
• United States
23 Sep 07
Nah, people you don't know but there are quite a few people I know that fit into this type of behavior, isn't there? Sheesh. They either get mad at a friend and then get mad at me or they get mad at me and get mad at someone who has nothing to do with it.
It's the curse of knowing people who others want to know, I guess. Or something.
@raijin (10345)
• Philippines
22 Sep 07
The best solution here is, try to talk to them in any means but it could be good if you talk face to face. It's always not good taking sides, having a hard time dealing with friends, especially when these FRIENDSHIP GAP happens. I really hate the awkward feeling of it, so I am always the first one to look for ways to settle things out.
It's really immature, believe me.. Because me and my friends have been together for a long time now, but we don't encounter problems such as that.
As for your other friend, it would be better if he/she didn't took any side but also look for ways to help both of you figure out what is best in solving your problems..
@seabeauty (1480)
• United States
21 Sep 07
I would say end it. Who needs to be friends with someone that is friends with a backstabbing witch.
She will be sorry in the end that she is even friends with a person that has no conscience.
@asawako48162 (3321)
• United States
21 Sep 07
this happens to my wife all the time..as long as i have known her (23 years) and it just keeps repeating everytime she makes a new friend and she shares them with old friends...someone always starte the backstabbing and little digs..casual remarks build up to full blown insults...as people like to talk and people are jealous of other people...sometimes it goes like "you know she has to be bragging all the time about her jewelery, children, grand children, cars , income..savings,,big fancy cars big home..etc etc..:( ..the more as person has the more they are critizied...i think only small and little people do this...who cares what friends have in thier possession? also who cares how many "rich and famous people:( you know?
but like i said..this is mostly my wife's problem..as when someone tells me stuff like this it goes in one ear and out the other..i only worry about what is in my pocket..usually these people have nothing better to do then talk about other people..
just worry about your own concerns..people are always going to talk...
I
learned this in the military a long time ago.
"if you have your friend and your friend is true..then (#@$%#$z) your friend before your friend ((*&)(*)'s you!"
I don't believe this totally but there is some truth to this...its a cold world
