Listening to that which Palpitates:p

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Honestly, I don't know how to begin this entry. It had been months since the last time I made an entry regarding the matters of the heart. (hehe!) I mean, for the past couple of months, I was caught "unprepared" about the *sudden* changes in my life and had to deal with lots of unplanned things. I had just been going to where the "flow of change" will take me. Plus after some heartaches that I'd experienced, I learned to guard my heart for possible hurts. I'd never been that hard on myself, though. I went out dating but getting into a relationship nor even entertaining a possible love was on the least of my priority. And lately, just when I thought I can already cope up with things and have started rebuilding my dreams, I remembered "him". I never realized that I need him here as much as I needed him back then. ...It was he who, when I felt cheated, backed me up and sweared to punch the face of the guy who hurt me. ...He's the one who is always there when I needed somebody to pour things out. ...It was he who can see through me. He's the one who can look deep within me. (I even feel, at times, that there's nothing I can hide from him!) ...And weird as it may seem, he seems to know what I'm feeling even though we're apart. It seems that there's a certain bond that connects us to each other that he can feel it when I need him. (Is there a scientific explanation for this one? hehe...) I never want to associate it to the famous line: "I love you because I need you, or I need you because I love you." Naaaah! I've so much for that. I don't even know how to acknowledge this feeling nor if I'm capable to stand up for those 3 magic words. Had I guarded my heart too much that it became hard for me to entertain this so-called butterflies-on-my-stomach nor smiling-for-nothing usual signs of a woman in love? Or had I just been matured and experienced enough to realize that I already passed that age of believing that there is really a guy out there who can sweep me off my feet and will be worth all the risks? But then, the little girl in me contradicts and still believes in those happily-ever-afters.... haaaai... =p There are certain things that I need some answers, too. And soon, I'm hoping to find them. Soon, I'll be able to also give him the answer to the pending questions that he asked me. One quick question though: How come it's hard for him to say those words that I've been longing to hear? Yet with this complaints for what he'd been acting, I'm also on denial and catch myself being afraid to take the risk to try it again, either. Haaaai...maybe, it's time to take another risk. I had risked twice before when it comes to loving somebody. Twice in my life, I faced my cowardice and been true enough about what I really feel. No what-ifs, no would-have-beens, no if-only..... Maybe this time, I'll try again. I just hope that I'll get enough courage for this one. _______________________________________________________ Quotes: (1) "Each day your heart beats around 100,000 times. Don't be contented with a beating heart. Let your heart beat... for a reason." - SMS I received during V-day (2)"I will be the one to make a choice, or if not, the choice will make me." - from Johnny Blades (Nicholas Cage), Ghost Rider What I've Learned Recently: *deep breath* "This is it! I'll never know unless I give it a try and there's no point on just assuming and waiting things to fall into places. whew.... _______________________________________________________ Have you also been in a similar situation? Where you feel something but you find it hard to know if what you feel is "right"? How would you know that... "this is already IT!"? :p