Remembering My Beloved Father

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In two weeks time, it will be the 9th anniversary after my father left us. He passed away on Oct 7, 1998. But till now, I still remember him clearly : his face, his laugh, his jokes, his bad tempered mood when we made a mistake and almost everything about him. I love him so much. He was a good father to me and my siblings. I still miss him a lot. He was fierce, firm but a very responsible husband and father. He took care of us and for him, his life means his wife and children. His big family. He always tried hard to give us a comfortable life. After he retired from the government service, he helped my mother at home ; doing everything that he could to help ease her burden. He was a strong man before he got the first stroke. He fell down in the bathroom and was temporary paralysed for a few months. That time I was just graduated and just got my first job. I quited my job to take care of him for a month. I prepared his meals, helped him to clean himself, wiped his body, clipped his nails and combed his hair. He was so happy to have me and my mother at home. The rest of my siblings live on their own in the city, married and all of them were working that time. When I had to go back to the city, he told my mother," My good nurse is leaving me..." and my mother told me about it right before I left. I cried and how I wished that I could stay longer and take care of him. As he was a strong-willed man, he managed to walk again not long after that. So we had a small feast to celebrate it. All of us went back to my hometown to be with our parents. My father was not really well that time but he tried hard to make us felt relief to see him recovered quite fast. He didn't want us to worry about him. But he acted weirdly that time. We just didn't notice his strange behaviors. He asked my mother to prepare different kind of drinks to serve the guests who came to our house to visit him. Before that, he stood right in front of the door and stared sadly outside. He told my mother no one is going to visit him as he had not been able to join the community due to his sickness. When we wanted to go back to the city a day after, he told us that he was too sick to see us going and couldn't stand too long as his back ache so much. When I kissed him, he whispered to me, " My girl, drive carefully, take care and good bye!" My heart bet faster but I just ignored the uneasy feelings I had that time. I kissed him one more time before I left. A day after, while busy working, my mother kept calling my cell phone ; asking me to go back as my father got sick again. I told her I will try to get a leave and went home as soon as I finished my office hour. My mother is quite an emotional person. Whenever my father gets sick, she will start to call all the children and asks us to come back. Thinking that it might be another 'false alarm' from my mother, we decided to wait for the latest news from her. I just got another job and still under probation that time. I couldn't take leave as often as I wish. But that evening after receiving a call from my mother, I felt something was really bad. I put down the phone, sat on the sofa, unabled to say a word. Suddenly I just cried. I told my eldest sister that we were not going to make it and I didn't think that I would see my father again! It took us three hours to reach our hometown where my parents live. In the middle of the journey, while driving home, it started to rain heavily. A tree fell down and almost hit my brother who was riding a motor bike. We stopped for awhile to help him and lucky that nothing bad happened to all of us. But I was wondering as I didn't receive any phone calls from my mother. When we reached our house at one in the morning, I saw many people at my house. I was shivering and tried not to cry but when I saw my mother crying and hugging my brother, I knew that time that I was late. My father had left us. I saw him lying down, motionless. I looked at his pale face and touched his body. I hugged him and I didn't realize what happened next. It was very hard for me to accept the fact that my beloved father was no longer there for me. After his death, I kept to myself. I became quiet and always locked myself in my room. Whenever people asked about him, I could only cry. Sometimes at night, I wrote a letter to him, telling him of my day, how much I missed him and how sorry I was for not being there when he needed me for the last time. And as always, I will cry till I fall asleep when I didn't know what to do with the letter. One night, I dreamed of him, wearing all white clothes, looking sad at me but he didn't say a word. My heart was telling me that he didn't like the way I behaved after his death. From that day, I tried to start all over again, be my happy self again and try to overcome my sadness. I tried to accept his death and the fact that I won't be able to see him anymore. It took me almost six months to recover... Time passes very fast. I feel like he is still alive though it has been nine years I live my life without him. I miss him so much!