Ok... Fess Up! Who Stole The Manners From The Kids? :)
By Darkwing
@Darkwing (21583)
September 29, 2007 10:05am CST
I can't help but notice that despite being brought up to be polite, teenagers especially, don't use their manners! This grieves me some, especially when it's close to home and I know the kids have been taught good manners in their upbringing.
I mean... what happened to Mr. Please? Did he emigrate, or did somebody kidnap him from the mouths of teenagers, and come to think of it, Mr. Thank You isn't around much either!
One very prime, close to home example of this is my teenage granddaughter... she's fifteen, sixteen in January, and seems to have forgotten what she's been taught mannerwise. She has a boyfriend, and last Sunday evening, she went to his house for the evening. He's a nice boy, but sometimes a little bit gloomy with seemingly, a bit of a grudge on the world. Well, we sat down to evening dinner, and after finishing her dessert, whilst others were still eating, my granddaughter asked her Mum if she could leave the table to go upstairs and change and fix her make-up. I couldn't help but notice the lack of the little word on the end, as did her Dad, presumably, but I didn't say a word. Mum said yes, but she still had to get past Dad to leave the table. She uttered these words, precisely..."Excuse me Dad, I need to get out to go get ready." Dad sat tight. lol. So, she repeated. Dad looked at me, then looked at her and said, "I'll move when I hear that other little word that's missing." Well, my granddaughter is stubborn, like me, and made out she didn't know what little word, so I told her a "please" goes a long way to getting what you want, as a matter of politeness. Do you know what she said... little madam!? She said, I said "excuse me" so I don't need to say please as well. Hmmmmmmmmmf! That started me off, and her Dad too. She had to stand waiting for twenty minutes whilst others finished and left the table, then crawl under the table and exit the other side. ha ha ha. All that, because she wouldn't say one little word!
That's just one example, but I notice it quite a lot, especially in town, where people let doors swing shut in your face, or you'll hold the door open for them to get through with a pushchair and they can't even call on Mr. Thank You. Come to think of it, it's not only teenagers... there more mature, supposedly responsible people who have forgotten the manners they were taught.
So why is it so difficult for people to be polite these days? Do they follow the example of friends they spend time with, or what is it? I fail to see the difficulty here, and it irks me!
5 people like this
10 responses
@Ravenladyj (22902)
• United States
29 Sep 07
"So why is it so difficult for people to be polite these days? Do they follow the example of friends they spend time with, or what is it?"
Well thats a tough one to answer..I know that my kids are very well mannered in comparison to many of their peers and even a couple of their relatives (regardless of age) BUT the reason they are like that is because I have ALWAYS DEMANDED it of them...Dont get me wrong, they sometimes forget but all it takes is a look or simple "excuse me?" from me and they clue in...
I think alot of kids/teens etc are like that these days because so many caregivers (I;ve noticed at least) over the past 10-15 yrs AREN'T stepping up and keeping the kids in line AND/OR are too afraid to because of the changing laws a few yrs back...I personally know a few parents who just WON'T put their kids in their place for fear that the kids will either call the police and make up lies (its happened) OR will make up lies to a teacher or someone and get Childrens Services involved not realizing the hell they've just stirred up becuase they were put back in line....
I also think that alot of MY peers had kids too young, were too busy with other things like partying, bingo, hangin out with their friends etc etc and just WERENT READY to be parents..I knwo MANY ppl in my age group who had their first kid when they were still teens themselves...I also know a few ppl who should NEVER have been parents becuase they are so messed up themselves....There are also the parents who dont have manners themselves and wouldnt know common courticy *sp* if it walked up and bit them in the face :-/
There are lots of reasons really...not that any of them are any excuse of course...having manners and raising your children to have manners and show respect REALLY ISN'T that hard to do if you actually want it....I guess for some its just too much of a bother...
3 people like this
@Darkwing (21583)
•
29 Sep 07
Thank you Ravenladyj... you've raised some very good and thoughtful points here.
I think most parents demand respect and manners from their children, and as you say, caregivers used to have control but they've had it taken from them with more recent law-setting, which I really don't think is necessarily a good thing for the children. Ok, we demand the manners at home but it's a different situation completely when the kids grow and go out without us. They do tend to follow trends of the people around them. I guess like everything else, manners are one of the lessons in life and the dependency is on the teachers once the kids have grown. We give them the best start we can in life, but it doesn't always carry through in later life, sadly.
I'm sorry, but I'm renown for saying as I see it, and if I think somebody is not using manners, I will mention it... whether I know them or not. lol.
Brightest Blessings.
2 people like this
@pumpkinjam (8763)
• United Kingdom
3 Oct 07
Raven, while I agree with most of what you said, I wanted to add that age should have nothing to do with it. I had my first son when I was 19, my sister had her child when she was 18. My kids and my nephew are three of the most polite people you could ever meet. I'm sure there are people who couldn't cope so young but there are also plenty of people who couldn't cope having kids in their 20s and 30s or later.
The way I see it is, if you are going to be a good parent, you will be whenever it happens. Teaching children manners is one of the simplest things anyone can do, regardless of age. I know plenty of impolite children from parents of all ages and I am really proud of my own kids for the way I have brought them up.
1 person likes this
@Darkwing (21583)
•
8 Feb 08
I agree with that, Pumpkin, as I had my first when I was just eighteen and a half. There's nothing wrong with the way mine were brought up, and their children are the most polite and loving children I know, despite there only being twenty months between my own boys. I coped, because I love them. You're right in saying that some older parents are irresponsible to, you only have to look at the case of Madeline McCann to know that.
Thank you for your input and Brightest Blessings.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
2 Oct 07
I do find that most kids are influenced by their friends and the way they talk (and I am talking about younger kids too). My son is just 7 now and till he started full time school, he was very well-mannered. The more time he started spending more time with buddies, I could see the change in him. I spoke to a couple of my friends (whose kids he played with) and they weren't really concerned. They said kids will be kids and that's how they talk. You can't insist on manners and if you do, you are just going to get stubborness from them.
But I insisted that he does the right thing. And what I noticed is that he had his manners in place when I was around (daddy isn't very firm about manners as long as he obeys). So, that gets me wondering...do they really stop being polite because we are not consistent?
lol..I would have done the same thing your granddaughter's father did. I'm sure your granddaughter has been taught manners but I find that lacking in today's parents. They don't practise it themselves and don't think it's important for their kids to learn manners.
2 people like this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
2 Oct 07
I forgot to mention the teachers (considering that I'm always at school harping on the same point). I also find some of the teachers are lax in that aspect(manners) in the name of freedom. I believe in kids having the freedom to express their views but not at the cost of being well-mannered and respectful to their elders.
2 people like this
@Darkwing (21583)
•
2 Oct 07
Yes, I agree there are some parents who don't know any better, but in the main, I believe young parents pass on to their kids, the manners they were brought up with.
As for starting school and mixing with other kids, I think this is a character forming time, when the kids choose friends that they get along with best, and they form their own character whilst incorporating some of their friends' traits into it. Hence, they change some, but although sometimes this means they drop their manners whilst away from the home, they seem to remember how they should behave at home. I think also that teachers have a big influence on the politeness of kids. If the teacher has manners, her pupils will... if not, you've lost the battle, I'm afraid.
Thank you for an excellent response, and Brightest Blessings.
1 person likes this
@balasri (26537)
• India
2 Oct 07
The good manners always start at home.The young ones always emulate their parents.Whatever they learn in school can be destroyed by the the behavior of the crude parents at home.
'Like father like son' they say.So it all starts at home and from the upbringing.The good habits and manners you learn when you are young cannot be shrugged off that easily.
1 person likes this
@Darkwing (21583)
•
3 Oct 07
Yes, true, but I don't necessarily agree that whey they learn at school can be destroyed by the behaviour of the crude parents at home. Sometimes the good work started at home, is torn apart by attending school. I've noticed a change in many a kid when they start school, or at least by the age of seven.
Brightest Blessings.
@Lakota12 (42600)
• United States
29 Sep 07
I really dont see what is wrong with saying PLease and Thanks you or Thanks.
WE are teaching CHey to say these thing snd now she is throwing them in where they belong just hope she keeps it up when she get s older the one thing we are having is her calling her elders miss and mister. when talking to them. Like hello Miss Jill Or jeloo Mister Mike before talking to them she runs to the fence and holler just high!
2 people like this
@Lakota12 (42600)
• United States
29 Sep 07
oh yes when away from home is going to be a different story Am hoping when that happens I get reports back as to her manners
The one manner that I have a hard time with son when he visits is putting the toilet seat down so I dont have such a long way to fall loololol
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@Darkwing (21583)
•
29 Sep 07
Lol... what are you like, but I know what you mean. There have been one or two instances in the past when I've gotten out of a warm bed, and not bothering to turn on the bathroom light, sat on COLD porcelain! I was NOT amused in the slightest!!! ha ha ha. Still, it stops you sleepwalking cos after that experience you're WIDE awake!!! :)
1 person likes this
@Darkwing (21583)
•
29 Sep 07
Lol... she's going to be a right little cutie as she grows. I think we all teach our kids manners in the early years, Lakota, but once they reach secondary school, or high school, whatever you call it, they seem to develop their own ways, according to the actions and words of those around them. This is where it's lost. Don't get me wrong... they're always polite at home because they know they have to be but what when they're out, with friends?
Brightest Blessings. xxx
1 person likes this
@mummymo (23706)
•
30 Sep 07
I agree with you one hundred per cent sweetheart - I hate to see bad manners and although my 2 need a reminder sometimes they usually have good manners! With my mobility problems and having to walk (very slowly) with a walking stick I don't get out much but we were at the opticians on Wednesday and when I had my first test done I was sent to the waiting area again where 2 elderly gentlemen were sitting and BOTH of them immediately jumped up and offered me their seats - I was totally gobsmacked and delighted although I did reassure them that it was easier fir me to stand than get up and down on the seats - it took some convincing mind you, I think they thought I was just being nice! In comparison I have seen the opposite end of the spectrum when people see me struggling around the supermarket and deliberately queue jump in front of me!
Your grandaughters capers made me laugh - I can see Niamh being just like her! I remember we were away for the weekend when she was three and she rifted - I asked her what do you say Niamh, expecting a 'pardon me' and instead getting ' ahh I feel better now!' Like you I couldn't help but laugh! xxxx
2 people like this
@pumpkinjam (8763)
• United Kingdom
3 Oct 07
It is a difficult situation with teenagers because that's the time when they really test you so they will sometimes not show respect because they think it's cool or something. However, what her dad did was good. Kids should be taught manners by example so they can learn as early as possible but sometimes manners slip and they need to be reinforced otherwise kids will become the adults without manners and respect.
I have noticed how infrequently words like please and thank you are used. When I have my toddler in a pushchair, I really appreciate it if someone opens a door for me or helps me on the bus or whetever. I think some people just expect. These things work both ways of course. I mean, if I was struggling and someone just walked past without helping then I would find that rude but at the same time, if they did come to help, they are taking time out to come and help and a thank you doesn't cost anything.
Someone who is quite a bit older than me mentioned how good my two year old son's manners are. Now, someone younger noticing, I could understand but this is a person who I would of thought was of a generation where manners were expected. I think please and thank you have gone out of fashion or something. I have to remind my 31 year old partner to say please and thank you. I was angry with him because the little one had stopped saying please- now he's only two so he doesn't even understand why he has to say please - now I was angry with my partner, not for reminding the little one, but for the fact that my partner is an adult with little respect and who has no manners. I can teach my kids by example but if his dad gets his own way by not bothering, it's even harder to teach kids.
There are so few people with good manners now that if they aren't constantly reinforced with kids, they will just learn from other people.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
4 Oct 07
I have the same problem with my husband not being able to appreciate help (especially from other people). He has his own standards and principles. But fortunately for me, my older son is more like me and his dad wasn't a hands-on dad when he was growing...so, my son's got his manners right and it helped that my friends and his teachers noticed his manners and made it a point to appreciate him for it. That made him proud and he continued being the well-mannered child he is (he does slip up sometimes...but that is to be expected). But my younger one who is just 10 months old now is a "daddy's boy". And my husband is more of a hand-on father with him. He makes it a point to spend time with the kids now. He doesn't influence my older one (who usually reminds his dad to be polite and use the 'P' word) but the younger one I'm sure will be influenced more by my husband than me:(
I just hope he considers his brother's example and not his father's!
2 people like this
@Darkwing (21583)
•
8 Feb 08
Good points by you two, but sometimes, as in he case of my sister, who has only one child... grown now, and a very nice lad too. But, my sister spoiled him rotten when he was young, at the sound of his paddy and yelling.. no please, or thank you.. just "I want my own way or I'll scream the place down" attitude. However, his father balanced things. He was perhaps a little too strict, but strict nonetheless and I feel if it hadn't been for his teachings, my nephew would have been a brat!!! lol. As it is, he's a very pleasant and doting father himself now. :)
1 person likes this
@deeeky (3667)
• Edinburgh, Scotland
30 Sep 07
Sarah is another stubborn blond I see mmm. Maybe its mixing with her peers of today that think they dont have to be polite to get what they want , who knows. what goes around comes around and in future years there will come a time when the same situation which will enlighten her into the fact that manners will go along way to getting what you want.
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@Darkwing (21583)
•
30 Sep 07
Emmmmmmmm, nooooooooo, she's not blonde at all. lol. That must be the sun shining on her RED hair! I think her peers and her parents are polite, but I don't feel the same about the friends she hangs around with. Some of them are very polite, but others are not so, and once they get to that age, they tend to follow kids of their own age, rather than their peers, I feel.
I'm sure that when she has children of her own, my son and daughter in law will have some influence and hopefully, she will take heed and instill manners into her children. I'm pretty certain that it's just a stage in their life, between childhood and adulthood when they're very influenced by friends that they admire and I'm ever hopeful that she'll pass through this stage with the manners she was brought up to use.
Thank you for your input, and Brightest Blessings, my friend. Have a great day!!!
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
1 Oct 07
I see this all the time. Knowing people will barge past me I often step aside to let people go first...no "thanks" are proffered. I also let people pass me when driving, I slow down and move left or pull over completely but do I get a wave in acknowledgrment? NO. Tractors and such always move aside and I always wave my thanks and get a grin and a wave back.
It's about courtesy, respect, friendship and being thoughtful towards others.
I'm afraid manners and courtesy are fast becoming a thing of the past. Can you imagine how our grandchildren will be raising their children????
@Darkwing (21583)
•
2 Oct 07
You're quite right and I agree with you on everything, except I do feel deep down that once a teenager has passed through her/his stage of life, and becomes a little older and more wise, then they instinctively teach their children about manners. However, the same scenario comes around when their kids reach puberty or become teenagers, and so it goes on. It's like the wheel, keeps on turning until that part of it comes around.
Brightest Blessings.
@3lilangels (4639)
• United States
30 Sep 07
i agree with you so much on this my friend.in todays world i think that alot of the young kids just hang around with the wrong crowds and their please and thank you's just go out the door.my babies are small but i can say everytime i give them something or whatever it is,they always say thank you mommy and please mommy.and sometimes they might say it a thousand times and it sometimes get to me because i have to keep repeating myself yourwelcome.but i will always say that because they are learning the right way to be polite.and if i stop saying your welcome then they wont say please and thank you.alot really has to do with the parents end.if the parents arent polite then their children are gonna be the same way.you have to be consistant and just keep doing it until it gets stuck in their heads for good.but alot really has to do with the people they associate with and the way they are brought up,i strongly believe that.i feel guilty if i dont say thank you or please or whatever the case is,it makes me look rude and im not that way and i hope my children wont be either.so thank you for writing this great topic.and thanks for the other discussion too about our friend,it meant alot to me.pattie
@Darkwing (21583)
•
30 Sep 07
Yes, I agree totally with what you say, that when they're young, the parents have to train them. But I don't think the problem is there, or at school... I think it's when they reach their teenage years and puberty and they're lost between childhood and adulthood that they become a little bolshy, and tend to go with trends in an attempt to find their way into adulthood. Again, the testing returns at home... you know, they try you out to see how far they can go?
I'm sure most of them will come through this with the manners instilled in them by their parents, but there ARE some older and wiser people who can be terribly bad-mannered, and that REALLY irks me. How unhappy they must be with their lives!
Brightest Blessings. x
