Mean person you cannot avoid.

Like many others here I think that maybe a bit of a distance between mother and daughter could be beneficial. I know because I went trough that. For many, many years.MY mother in law is just like that and I always took it for one reason or another. Because I didn't want to create problems between my husband and his parents, because we had to live in the same house - although different apartment - because I didn't want to sound or appear rude to someone older than me.... I lost my self confidence, I became depressed and it was in such a way that I - who loves to cook - was even scared of cooking - MY food was never good for my mother in law, and she would even go to have dinner with us and refuse to eat anything. A few years back I couldn't take it any longer. I knew I needed to change. So, even though we still live in the same house, we don't socialize anymore. THere's no more dinners in one apartment or the other, we don't go to the same family gatherings - there's not much too choose: My husband's parents and his sister, who is even worse than her mother, or my husband's aunt and uncle who were always supportive of me, polite and respectful. FOr the last 10 years we do talk if there's anything that needs to be talked about the house. I will help them interpreting if they ask nicely. But that's about it. I never stopped allowing my kids to see them because I felt that as they grow up they will start understanding - and they did. But I don't enter their apartment nor do I invited them to mine. I'm polite but I don't indulge in any kind of social talking or chatting. Ever since I feel much better. That's what I should have done from the beginning. But I always thought that they would be my family since my own family was so far away. I always tried hoping that I would be accepted as part of the family - which I"m told I am not, I just married their son - and live a nice regular life with them. It wasn't to be and I should have decided to stand for myself before. Noboy should have the right to do what she did to me.

For me this would be quite simple. The person would no longer be close to me and if I had children, unless the person behaved properly as an acceptable role model, I would not take them to see her. I realize that there may be other considerations, such as if the mother owns the house they all live in or is buying food for the family, or if the woman needed her mother's help in babysitting or if other family members tried to interfere by taking sides. But I do not think it is right to expose children to such behavior. I'm not sure why you say the mother means well. It sounds a little passive-aggressive to me. Does the mother live with this grown daughter?

My mother has been abusive and mean to me ever since I can remember...Unfortunately due to my misplaced loyalty to her I allowed myself to be tormented for many many yrs...even to the point that during the last two yrs or so I would have extreme anxiety attacks when I knew she was coming to visit and would suffer major bouts of depression after she left.....I put an end to it a yr ago by no longer having contact with her....It wasnt worth her being in my life or more so the lives of my children (whom she is also not the nicest to but in a subtle way...however not subtle enough for my kids to not notice :-/)

This does seem to be a trait of mothers. My mother belittled me and took every opportunity to put me down when I was younger. So much so that I still have issues with self-esteem and self-confidence. I have made every effort possible not to behave this way towards my son and believe that I have made a good job of bringing him up without resorting to these tactics.

That seems to be a favorite among a alot of mother's.Mine love to put me down,especially in front of my kid.I think it somehow makes her feel better to try and make me feel like crap.She does it to my daughter every once in awhile.I'm not exactly sure what she gets out of it except some sort of satisfaction that she has the righted the world in her mind.I've tried real hard to fight back but it never does any good.I think it has to do with the way she was raised and the mean and alwful thing her parents did to her.Maybe it's a right of passage.I don't know but I can only take so much of it before I have to leave the house.Word do hurt and they can come back to haunt you.

My mom is the same way as your friend's mom is. I live across the country from my mother but she still is really ugly to me when I visit home. Here's what I learned to do: When she started making fun of me or saying nasty things to me I would just tell her "I'm a grown woman, there's no need to talk to me like that. Let's sit down and we can discuss how you feel in an appropriate manner." Usually she realizes how dumb she looks and is willing to try again. When she does this in front of my children I tell her: "We prefer that our children are not exposed to harsh words and ridiculing, how would you feel if your grandchild said those words to you?" Especially with children I would put my foot down. You never know what her kids will pick up if she doesn't walk away or make her mother stop. I know it's hard but sometimes the "mean" person just needs a kick in the butt by the other person. I actually had to "let go" of my mother for awhile and ignored her calls until she could call without yelling. I hope you can help her find a way of solving this issue!

These kind of people only made me start this discussion. http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1306783.aspx

To avoid them,,, wake-up and make a point they are not supposed to be mean to you becasue you understand whatever they say and can do more than what they can.. being mean means nothing its just an irritating behaviour that cannot help or do good to oneselfs or to other.

I am dealing with a similar situation myself and the behavior is aimed at me and it is my brother-in-law's girlfriend who is being rude to me and I did nothing to her. I am working on avoiding her and not going around her if I do not have to. At the same time, I am not going to stand for her treatment either. This isn't high school. If I were your friend, I would stand my ground.

No person has a right to be rude to another and saying that the mother means well is only being polite and nothing else. For that matter, every human being in this world is good at heart and any number of justifications can be found. Even if the mother is helping her out she has no right to take such a superior stand-who is she helping?-is it not her own daughter? The daughter should stop pandering to her mother and must stay away from her. Otherwise she will become a nervous wreck. If the circumstances are such that she can't stay away, she should stop putting up with this nonsense and give her a piece of her mind.If she can't voice her thoughts then she will have to engage in a cold war by freezing her with total silence and not sitting in front of her at all. She has to just walk away and avoid her mother's company. There should be no interaction whatsoever. Being rude to her mother in front of others would only get enemies for your friend because the old lady will get sympathy on account of her age and the onlookers will never be aware of undercurrents and can only see what is happening in front of their eyes.,This will happen sooner or later because your friend's patience will snap one day and then her reaction will be terrible. Even when a particular situation does not warrant it, she will protest, and that occasion will prove difficult for your friend.It will all be the result of piled up frustration and will be greater than the situation really calls for. Ask her to be warned!

i personally would try to think about what she said and reword it for her so its not so rash and tell her the way she said it was harsh. And if she gets angry because you reworded it( parents can be that way some times) i would tell her flat out when it starts Mom i dont like it when you say things like that to me so i am going to leave for a while. I still love you but love isnt putting some one down all the time. if you do this each time she starts out then the mother will either stop talking to you or stop talking to you that way.

haha, yup! they do it for our own good, but they didn't know they are not using an appropriate way to express what are they trying to say.